Wow. Thank-god I found this place (are you helping me bear-cat?). I just need to get it out, it's so painful, so sad, so strange, all of this! Bear-cat was a 16 year old black cat with leukemia, he lived much longer than we ever imagined he would...I have had him for 9 years...When I found him he was a stray without a home, but a total rugged survivor, zen cat, complete with tattered ears and mellow nature. You could tell he'd seen some fights, some hard boe-hoe days (I wish I could look through a crystal ball and see him as a youngster..Who did he live with? What was he like? How did he become homeless?) He was a tom cat too, really big and panther like. But for all his serious looks he was jus a mellow, needy, lover who liked food, avoided fights and had a meow that made many a neighbor into an enemy. . . if they realized that that strange sound could actually come from a cat. Very loud, and very strange sounding meow...totally effective at getting whatever he felt he needed.
Anyway, the day I found him he took my heart, and also fascinated me by his mystery, strength and his dog-like-ness.
I knew when I found him sleeping in my car-port on an car oiled carpet that we were going to have a relationship that would be uncommon.
Last month things started to go down hill, and now here I am today with huge, puffy eyes in the aftermath of his death this morning. I marvel at the moment of his last breath, how I can still feel it on my skin. I held that great big black paw one last time, although today it felt small and frail, and I told him how much I love him, thanked him for his companionship, comedy and love. The vet docter was amazing, and I could not have asked for a better situation...all in all today was strangely beautiful and horrible all at once. I just knew I was making the right decision, I guess, and feel fortunate to have been with Bear in all of that. I was a total mess...and still am.
Here is what I wrote today befor I found this site:
Your paw in my hand
Your pur so special to me, so obviously glad to be loved.
Your cry of exhaustion and pain,
Your lack-luster ways these days
Brings pain to my heart
Knowing deep down a goodbye is approaching
I am torn between wanting to selfishly hold you
or let you go
I think back over our friendship ...how we met
and
How we evolved
How much youv'e taught me about
patience, guilt, anger, faith, god, Love...about life
Have I learned?
So let me write now, that I may never forget:
Your comical entrance into my life . . .
Cioppino soup to feed you and
your garlic breath after
your mysterious otherworldlyness
the way you smacked loudly like an impolite human when you ate wet food
Your fierce claws made for survival
the scars of a stray on your ears
The way you stayed playful till the end of your life
your loud meow
Your love.
And today:
I held your paw as they stopped your heart, felt your last sigh on my hand
It's been so great to know you, my beloved Bear-cat! I'll miss you and think of you often.
And in this great mystery we live, who knows? Maybe we'll meet again.
Thankyou for being my buddy....God help me get through this.