Yesterday at 11:00 a.m. our 14-year-old orange tabby, Pumpkin, passed away in the arms of our family. We had 20 minutes before the vet came him to put him to sleep. During that time, he purred and turned to each family member to say goodbye. I gazed into the eyes of each of us and purred. I think he understood we were trying to help him feel better. Even though the vet told us that the liver tumor was extremely large and Pumpkin was very anemic, having him put to sleep makes me feel like a murderer. It was difficult for the vet to found a vein because of the anemia. When the vet put the needle into Pumpkin's arm, he let out the most pitiful, long meow that I have ever heard. My heart broke. He passed away quickly, but I feel like his last moments were not peaceful. I feel so guilty. Thank God we had a very compassionate vet who took care of Pumpkin through the years. Even he had tears in his eyes. Afterwards I didn't want to leave and held Pumpkin's lifeless body, kissing him over and over.

This past week my boy had stopped eating and drinking and couldn't walk without falling over in exhaustion. He had been so large and robust until just 3 weeks ago when I found out about the large liver mass. Watching him fade before my eyes was so painful. I would have sacrificed anything to make him better, but there was nothing that could be done. Any treatments would have just prolonged his suffering.

Right now the pain is so great that it is physical. I feel like there is a large hole in my chest. It hurts so bad that sometimes it is hard to breath. It just aches throughout my entire chest. I break down in tears all the time. Last night when I went to bed, it really hit me. Pumpkin has always slept in my arms all night long. My arms felt so empty without him to hold. I see him all over the house and can't feel any peace here.

I have had many cats since I was a little girl (I am now 33), but the Pumpkin was THE cat you are lucky to meet once in a lifetime. He was compassionate (never leaving our sides when we were sick), grateful (he always loved the special things we bought for him), and kind (he had so much patience with small children.) He went through the good and bad times with us and comforted me at all the low times in my life. He was more than a cat to us. He was a treasured family member. He was the anchor in our lives. I don't know how to go on without him.

I think I'm losing my mind. When I looked out my front window this morning I thought I saw him. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe he isn't dead at all! My heart sank when I realized it was a golden retriever puppy with the same coloring. I want him back and I don't know how life will ever be joyful again without him.

Thank you for listening to me. Only you and my family understands this pain. I am sorry for the loss of all of your beautiful friends and reading your posts helps me to know that I'm not alone. Even in my grief knowing you are out there helps me. You are my hope.

Love,
Helena

Pumpkin,
You are gone from our arms, but you will live in our hearts forever. See you in heaven.
Love,
David, Helena, Michael, and Vanessa

Dear Helena,
Your story is one I can very much relate to. Freeway, my small mixed breed dog, died from a tumor too. He had one last summer, and we did surgery to get rid of it... all tests came back clean, they said it likely hasn't spread, and wasn't cancerous... it had spread, to his chest... we found out about 6 months after the surgery when he began to shake uncontrollably one day.. they found the tumor and he was shaking and feverish due to an infection from the tumor. They said it was unoperable. They gave him a month to live, and my little fighter lived 3 months. On his last night I stayed up all night with him and I knew it was time to end his suffering.. even though I still know it was the right thing to do, the guilt plagues me. Freeway also reacted badly to the needle, yelping until he died... It is a sound and sight I doubt will ever leave me... Even though it wasn't peaceful it was quick... and I know had I let him continue on (and this is true for your furbaby as well) he would have lived a horrible few months before dying on his own. Unfortunately, sometimes we are forced to make this decision and it is us who must now burden the pain and grief, and yes the guilt too. But it is the last act of love we can give to our babies... I know Freeway was miserable and suffering... I miss him every moment of every day... It will be 7 weeks tomorrow and I still say I have ok days, and bad days, and really bad days.. no good days yet. It does get a little easier as time goes on... One of the biggest obsticles, sadly is that other people just don't understand. We are supposed to be 'over it' in a matter of days... You truly have to let yourself grieve as long as it takes... and distance yourself from those who don't understand and just let yourself feel the pain sometimes... This is a great place too, full of caring people who truly do understand and will offer a comforting word or shoulder whenever you need it and they feel up to it.
Take care of yourself and know we are thinking of you, and that you have a safe place to come when you need to.

Dear Helena,

I read your post and want you to know there is someone out there with the same kind of pain. Yesterday my beautiful Nicholas just laid down, cried out and died in my arms. He was a beautiful, almost 2 year old Australian shephard and the love and joy of my life.

Right now I can't stay in one place long enough to write a long letter about him but someday I will. Yes, the pain is so intense that sometimes I can't even cry. I want to talk to someone and I don't. The only comfort I can find is with his lifelong friend and mine, Hawk, a large mixed breed incredibly intuitive dog. I walk around in circles then lay on the floor next to Hawk in so much pain I think I will not be able to live.

The worst part is the guilt. Did I miss siomething? Should I have done something? What? How? Oh, god, I don't think I can take it.

Annemari

Helena,
You are in the right place to get the love, understanding, and compassion that you need. I lost my dog Dixie almost 3 weeks ago to a tragic accident and the pain was unbearable. I wanted to die too because it hurt so much.
If it's any consolation, some of the pain WILL subside, but it takes time. Please know that so many here know exactly what you're going through and what you are feeling. I read the posts here for more than a week...crying my eyes out and just feeling lousy. When I felt that I could handle not breaking down, I told the story of what happened to Dixie. I got so many responses from so many WONDERFUL kind caring people. I felt sooo much better just knowing that there were others who could truly understand my pain. The support on this board is AMAZING.
Please know that you and Pumpkin are in our thoughts. Hang in there...it WILL get better! I'd give sooo much to have Dixie back and I know you feel the same way about your Pumpkin. Just keep remembering the good times you had with Pumpkin....he had an amazing life with you! One very lucky kitty, indeed.
Take care,
Dana

Annemari,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear loved one, Nicholas. Tears are falling on my keyboard as I write this to you. I know you feel guilty right now, but it is NOT your fault that Nicholas died.

If it is any consolation, I am grieving with you. It helps me immensely to know that you are going through this unbearable pain, too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone and I'm sad that you are hurting, though.

I also am restless and can't stay in one place. I think I'm trying to flee the pain, but it follows me. I also feel like I am going to die and that I can't take it. It has helped me to leave the house and walk. I tried to lay down with a book before and read, but Pumpkin always jumped up next to me when I read so I starting weeping again. I see his hair all over the house and it is like a knife in my heart.

I wish I could be more comfort to you. Just know that I am grieving with you. Please keep posting on this site. I found it last week and it has been a lifesaver. There are many caring people like you out there.

Love and hugs,
Helena

Thank you, Jenn. Sharing your experience with putting your beloved Freeway down has helped me tremendously. It was a tough decision, but Pumpkin was worth too much to us to allow him to suffer a horrifying, prolonged death of cancer. We gave him everything he needed and wanted for 14 years. Our last gift to him was a dignifying death before all joy and comfort was robbed from his life.

So sorry for the loss of your precious Freeway. Thank you for responding to my grief.

Love,
Helena

Dear Helena,

I'm so sorry about Pumpkin's passing. He was such a beautiful fellow, and it sounds like he was a beautiful, kind soul too. I sometimes think the immense pain we feel after losing a beloved pet is caused by the fact that they, in the course of their life, are our child, playmate, friend, parent, confidant, and comforter. In essence, they really are an extension of ourselves, and when they're gone, we feel like we've lost a part of ourself.



I kow you're feeling guilty about Pumpkin's last moments, but try to focus on the 14 wonderful years you had together. Also, Pumpkin may have felt some discomfort at that moment, but the comfort he felt having you and your family with him out weighed any pain he may have had from the injection.

Please know that you and Pumpkin are in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Helena,

I'm so sorry about the passing of your sweet Pumpkin!!

Reading your post, I was absolutely struck by what a lucky cat he was---the compassionate treatment and the love were outstanding, and I hope you realize what a great Mom you were to him.

[QUOTE]Last night when I went to bed, it really hit me. .... My arms felt so empty without him to hold.[QUOTE]

I remember feeling exactly that same way. The pain was emotionally, mentally, and physically painful. Even though I knew Little Girl was in a blissful realm the instant she passed on, I MISSED HAVING HER PHYSICAL BODY IN MY PHYSICAL ARMS!

I believe you are seeing your Pumpkin everywhere because he truly IS everywhere. He'll always be close by you, his sweet Mom. To him, there's not quite that sense of separation because he's not in his physical body anymore. To you, the pain is unbearable. You will be fully reunited when it is your time. I know it seems like forever, like you won't be able to live without Pumpkin for that long!! I felt the same way. ..But you will go on, and Pumpkin wants you to. If the roles were reversed, you would want the same for him, to live as full of a life, with as much love, as he could. He is fine. He's in a state of comlete bliss, with no emotional or physical pain.

Some things that helped me:

--I didn't talk with anyone who wouldn't completely understand this kind of grief
--I practically lived on this site. I have a laptop computer, and I kept it right in bed with me!
--I watched a lot of movies
--Last fall I adopted 3 sweet cats and I know Little Girl and Mariah (my kitty who I lost in '98) are proud and happy about that!

Read the post I started the other day called "Signs of great comfort" ..It's about signs Little Girl sent me.

THinking of you. Much love,

Kathy
p.s. My Little Girl's nickname was Pumpkin.

I am so sorry for your loss. I've only just joined this board, but already I feel it's safety and comfort.

Now I'm crying.

Reading your story about Pumpkin makes me cry...and each tear goes for more healing. Some of what you said reminded me of Bear too. Bear was great with kids.
I'm so happy we can connect with eachother on these very hard days...How fantastic is it that you can come here and find others to cry with you, others who WANT to hear your stories of the beings you loved. Others who maybe just came from the vets at the same time you have, empty handed and ready to spill tears. Pet loss is so strange because so many people don't quite take it seriously...I luckily got 3 days off from work that I can't afford, but it's only proper to have a greiving period. Our culture is not very good at recognizing those times.

Thank you so much everyone! You truly comforted me in my time of need. The pain isn't quite so raw now. It hits me at times when I remember something Pumpkin did and he isn't there.

Kathleen, thank you for your practical advice. Thank God my family understands. My dad said something that truly set me free. He said, "Now the evil tumor is dead and Pumpkin is set free." Wow! Pumpkin's cancerous tumor was growing and thriving, stealing the very life and well-being from my boy. Now the tumor is dead and my kitty is set free in heaven, made whole again.

Scotty-slave, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Amphia- I told my husband all about Bear cat's antics and we got a good chuckle. I feel like I knew your Bear cat personally!

Kathy- How neat that Little Girl's nickname was Pumpkin!

Kathleen- You really hit the nail on the head about all the different roles our dear animals play. No wonder our bond with them is so strong.

Love,
Helena

Helena--I can so relate to what you have been going through. I lost my 5 year old Siamese, Devon, on July20. There are times I can barely breathe I hurt so badly. If it wasn't for my family and the wonderful friends on this sight I don't know what I would do.Just know that we are thinking about you and your precious baby.
Julie

I know how it is, losing a kitty to a liver tumor. Middy was very fat and rotund untill recently she stopped eating and they found the mass. She's getting put down tomorrow, and It rips my heart out to see her deteriorate before me. My chest aches when i think about her beautiful eyes and dark midnight fur.

Thankfully we all have this wonderful forum with loving and caring people to help us in our time of greif. I really wish the best for you and your family.

much love and prayers,

Noriko

Hi Helena, I feel terrible about your loss. I can relate.
I was just browsing through some sites on the loss of a pet, and came accross this one. I cried so much reading through all the messages posted in response to this I feel like I need to tell what has happened, though its very, very difficult.
I was in absolute shock when I heard on the phone, just last Saturday (2 days ago), that one of my 2 cats, my beloved 5 year old kitty Angel, (brown w/black stripes) MAY have been run over right next to my mom's apartment building. My mother called me back 10-15 minutes later and confirmed. Yes. It was him. I was walking on a side-walk, and just, collapsed, right then and there, unable to get up, or say anything, I just cried. He wasn't an outdoor cat, he had gotten out of the window and was found in the play-ground area right next to the buliding. I burried him yesterday, (My mother and boyfriend were there too) and was in so much pain I couldn't even stand next to his grave even for 1 minute, I felt like I HAD to go, pain was unbearable.
What made things even worse, was that my mom said that it could have been a predator, fox or something, because of the nature of the wounds, and that he was not right next to the road. I am having absolutely nightmarish images af what COULD have happened. And feeling guilty for not telling my mom to NOT let him out at all (She occasionally had let him out a few times to lie in a bushy area, where he just enjoyed being for a couple of hours.)
I've had cats basically all my life, but NONE, of them, were as dear to me as Angel. He was (Have so much trouble saying "was"), my constant bed companion, he comforted me so much, lightly carressed my face with his claws (ouch), and gazed into my eyes, as if to tell me that he loved me dearly. I often think he was/is an actual angel. I am still in shock. I still can't believe that he won't be coming home to my place with his sister Buffy. (yes, was in a "buffy the vampire phase" when they were born. Actually watched them being born, as the mother cat belongs to my mom)
I also feel very bad for her, Buffy, because she lost her brother and only companion. I 'm also feeling unable to physically go to my place, because everything reminds me of him. Everything.

I want to express my pain for everyone out there that is suffering the loss of a pet, I'm glad I found this place, its so good to talk about this.

Much sympathy to all,
Anna