I realized after posting this that if people didn't know my "story", they might not understand what I was talking about. Duke had a severe aggression problem throughout his life and despite various efforts, his aggression worsened over time. In the end, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to get him put to sleep because he was simply too dangerous to the people around him, including young children. Despite his problems, I loved him (and still love him) with all my heart and I'll miss him forever.

My original post:

I wasn't going to make any more posts but I noticed something today and I need to get it out of my system so I can stop obsessing over it. A few days ago, I got my digital pictures of Duke developed into "real" pictures. There were about 50 pictures and in all of them in which Duke was facing straight ahead, his right pupil showed up smaller than his left. (You could tell because of the effect of the flash on his eyes). I looked at his older pictures and except for his really early puppy pictures, they all showed the same thing. The more recent the picture, the more noticeable the difference.

I guess it might just be the flash but it's in pictures that were taken at different angles and with different cameras (digital and film). I can't help but wonder if it might have been connected to his aggression problem. I think that in humans, uneven pupil dilation is often caused by problems, such as pressure, in the brain. Problems such as brain tumors can also cause behavioral changes. Pressure in the brain can also cause vomiting, something that Duke did more and more frequently as he got older. (I talked to the vet about the vomiting while Duke was alive. Since it was mostly bile that he vomited, the vet thought it was because he wasn't eating enough. Although there was always dog food available to him, he'd sometimes go days without eating. Now I'm wondering if his lack of appetite might have been related as well .)

I'm probably just over-reacting to the discovery. I'm still unable to think rationally when it comes to Duke. I just wish I had noticed it before when it could have been checked out. Duke's diagnosis of Dominance Aggression caused by bad breeding was probably right. It's just hard to accept something that you can't prove physically.

I'm not even sure I should post this, although I'm going to anyway. I just needed to get it out.

Tracy

Duke (Pekingese-cross)
September 16, 2002 - June 1, 2005

Hi, Tracy

Gosh. I don't know anything about our canine friends....but I think that just a quick call to the vet about Duke's pupils will really put your mind at rest.

I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, but just a word of reassurance from a vet can make the world of difference.

Take care,
Amanda ***

Hi Tracy,

I think your just looking for another way to punish yourself, its a natural thing to do.

If and i mean IF there was pressure on the brain, you could not have operated on Duke's brain.

Try to let things rest, and not wonder if you should have done this or that, i know its easy for me to say two years on and youve probably 'heard' me say before that i had to fogive myself in order to move on.

There will come a time when you reach a peak and start to find a way down again until then be kind to yourself and realise that you did all you could.

Love Sue

I've gotten pretty good at punishing myself since making the decision to get Duke put to sleep so you're probably right Sue. It's hard to forgive myself although I guess I didn't really do anything wrong. It's hard not to obsess over things regarding Duke. I've been looking at his pictures a lot. Most of them are nice pictures but he looks mad in some of them.

The eye thing really bothered me when I noticed it. Writing about it helped get it off my mind a bit though. The vet checked Duke many times at various appointments for physical abnormalities that might have been causing his aggression. I know he checked his eyes too. Sometimes writing things down helps me to see that my worries and thoughts are irrational. Duke had the classic symptoms of Dominance Aggression. I just keep thinking that I should have tried more solutions....different medications, more trainers, more vets... I honestly don't think it would have changed things much though. It's just hard not to think those things.

I've been hating myself a lot lately. I feel guilty and angry at myself. I feel that I failed Duke. I've been having nightmares about the decision. Thankfully, none of them involve Duke being mad at me. I guess that's because I know that he loves me and understands. In my dreams, I often yell at myself; they're strange dreams. They reflect my waking thoughts pretty accurately though. Even in my sleep, I can't get away from the pain.

Tracy
Missing Duke (September 16, 2002 - June 1, 2005)

I know, i also know that no matter how much i tell you what you did was the right thing to do or how many times YOU tell someone else it was the right thing to do, the pain just has to run its course.

All you can do is try to hold on to your sanity as much as possible.

Try saying before you go to sleep ' i ask my higher self for peaceful dreams tonight please'

It may not work straight away but eventually it will, all you are doing is telling your brain what you want it to do.

Its a long and very hard journey this week i finally feel at peace (at the moment) and it is 2 years 7 months and 2 years 4 months, you have a lot of detoxing to do so be kind to yourself and once in a while tell yourelf your a good person because you are.

Love Sue

Sue...I love what you said here. That whispering to our inner self is training our brain what to do. I truly believe that this is what prayer is. It's a self-help pep talk. The death of our loved ones is a nasty toxin to our spirits and psyches. Time and self-forgiveness are two ingredients for the antidote.

Tracy, I've followed your posts since the beginning. From what you have said, I do believe that his traits were unchangeable and hard-wired. Please be gentle with yourself. You are definitely not in the same camp as other people who put dogs to sleep for perhaps one infraction- for example..my Aunt who owned 5 Bouviers (French for "huge hairy black dogs" ), one of whom knocked down a little boy. The lawsuit that followed inspired her to put all five dogs to sleep. Nope, you're not in that camp at all. You have a heart, and you did what you had to do.

Love,
Punk's Mom

Thank you for the words of comfort/reassurance and suggestions. I'll try to suggest positive dreams to myself. Telling yourself to do or believe something is a great suggestion. The mind is powerful and often underestimated tool. I've been "telling" myself a lot of negative things lately. I guess what I really need to do is start telling myself positive things. Things like, "I did the best I could do for Duke" and "I did not cause his aggression problem". I know that I am (and was) a good "owner" and someday, I'll get another dog or maybe a cat.

Thanks,
Tracy