I just found this site and I'm grateful. My cat of 16 years is dieing and my heart is breaking. He is at the vets all weekend and I'm filled with so much fear. I visited him today, but can't see him until monday. He went in because he stopped eating and after tests he was diagnosed with Anemia caused by FIV related kidney problems. He had a blood transfusion yesterday and has improved very slightly. I know that even if he improves more, that the time is coming. The vet said he has at most a couple more months. I know I will have to make the decision to have him put to sleep or let him pass at home and I'm scared. I'm afraid if he passes at home that coming home to him dead will break me, but having him put to sleep in my arms makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry in the corner. Having him put to sleep without me isn't a choice. The pain and fear is sooo overwhelming. I have no other pets and am not married, so he has been it for me over the last 16 years. I have suffered this loss before. I had to put a pet to sleep when I was 14 and it killed me. Thinking of experiencing that pain again......is like a knife through my spine. I will try to bring him home monday and I hope I won't be selfish in my choices. I just feel like I'm dieing inside. This is so hard.

Hi, sweetie
I am so, so sorry to hear about your cat. What a long, long friendship you had with him; 16 years is a long time...and it's a wonderfully long life for a cat. What a grand old man he is! But of course, no years are ever long enough...and you must be heartbroken to know that he'll soon be moving on.
I think that, if you have the opportunity to have a little more time with him at home, you should definitely go for it if he isn't suffering....and because you're his 'mum', you'll know when the time is right to take him back to the vet and to say 'au revoir' to him. We really CAN trust our instincts, and your instincts and your love for you cat will lead you to make the ABSOLUTELY RIGHT decision.
He'll let you know when he's ready to go.
I am so glad you found this website. It has been my life-line since my cat Serge passed over on July 5th.
I know how much pain you are in right now. I am so sorry you have to go through this...but I guess that all of us who have fur-babies have to go through this. It's the day we know 'intellectually' will happen, but one that 'emotionally' we never really accept can happen. And as the years roll by (Serge was 13) the thought of losing them seems more and more bizarre, because they become such an integral part of our very identity.
Anyway, try to take care of YOURSELF during this period as well as your cat (is he called 'Kaluja'?), and trust your instincts: they will lead you to doing the right thing at the right time.
Love and hugs,
Amanda ***x

Oh, I'm so sorry about your heartbreak as you go through this ordeal !

Amanda made some really good points, to trust your instincts.

As you face these last days/weeks/months with your precious baby, keep in mind that when he does pass on, he'll be in a realm where he won't have to "miss" you like you miss him, because he'll be in a timeless, spaceless joy and bliss. And when it is your time to join him, you'll be fully reunited.

I know this doesn't take away the reality of the loss you're facing. When the time comes that he does pass, we will be here for you. We all understand so well this knife-like heart-wrenching pain, and we can listen to you and share how we coped/are coping.

I'm excited for you that you'll be seeing him tomorrow.

God bless, and keep in close touch!

Love,
Kathy

How did you get on.

Is your baby home with you now?

Love Sue

They wouldn't let me bring him home today. He needs one more day of fluids to try to kick start his kidney. I'm bringing him home tomorrow no matter what. He was so pissed off at me today for leaving him there. Either way, once a kidney starts failing there's not much we can do. I'm just going to try to help with diet and hope that we can have a few more months with each other. It's hard for me to do anything else but just sit and stare at my wall. Everytime I try to move the pain just stabs me in the gut. I'm just grateful I got to see him today.
This is so hard. Thank you for all your responses, they help.

So happy for you that you will bring him home tomorrow. If you have not already visited this site, please check out-
www.felinecrf.org/ Best of luck to both of you.
Take Care, Nicole

I'm so sorry for you and for your special kitty. I hope he get's to come home with you today and that you have a little more time together.

You're in my thoughts. Please keep us posted about his well being and yours.
Hugs,
Kathleen

I go to bring him home today. His back legs aren't working all that well. He ate a little, but I think our time together is running out. This hurts. The vet said to not let him outside anymore, but I know it makes him happy. I'm going to try to take him out with me and not leave him alone out there, but he tends to like to sleep outside. I just want his last days to be happy. I'm overwhelmed.

I have read about your furbaby of 16 years. I know how hard it is to go through this and when to let go. I had to let go of my girl Dec. 9, 2004. The worst day of my life. I wish I would have helped her on her way sooner than I did. She begged me to. A long story. But.. if I would have helped her sooner, then I would have questioned if it was the right time. It is something that I and all of us animal lovers have to live with. We are not God but we have been given this gift to help our animals when they are dying to pass without pain and suffering. We as humans keep them with us as long as we can because we can't stand the pain it brings us. It will never get easier. I have 3 kitties who are my world as Ayla was. There will come a time unless I go first. I have considered never to have another animal...but what would life be without an angel in our life.

My tears are flowing again.
Be strong dear one. It is so hard I know. We will be with them again.

Hugs, Kimi

Kaluja: I know exactly how the thought of your favorite pet dying can rip you apart. I just went through the same thing 10 days ago with my dog. Like you, I was unmarried and Beau was my life. He heard every cry, every complaint. He was my best friend. I still cry every day.

This is a great site to visit as people are soooo understanding. It has been very hard for me to function in my daily life, as few people I associate/work with understand the love I feel for this dog.

I had him put to sleep and am proud to read that you refuse to let this happen without you - your kittie would want your face to be the last he sees. It was difficult for me to watch my baby Beau die, but I wouldn't have done it any other way. I know now that he is no longer in pain - I am.

Marci

I am so happy for both of you that you got to bring him home. You know your kitty best, if he enjoys sleeping outdoors it would be fantastic if you could accomodate him. The day before Miss Mew passed at the age of 21, she spent the entire day outside. This was not a planned outing as the day before we had been to the vets because of an abcessed tooth. I remember asking the vet if an abcess could be fatal and she told me no but the side effects could prove overwhelming for a cat of her age. I'm sure that her kidneys were not in top shape because for the last year of her life she would wake us at least once every night- she wanted a drink but not out of a bowl- it had to be fresh from the tap in the bathtub. I am an extremely sound sleeper but my husband is not so he would get up and attend to her needs. Roger never complained even though some nights he was seriouly sleep deprived. Anyway that last day she managed even in her weakened state to get outside. We were frantic, Roger who works from home spent the entire day looking for her, I was convinced that she had gone off her own to die in solitude. She returned, on her own around 4pm and I was so relieved until I got home and saw that she was even weaker and more lethargic.
The next morning when I woke up and could not find her I was frantic once more. Our house is not large, all the doors were shut. To this day I still don't know what led me to the basement, but there I found her. She had managed even in her very weak condition to climb into a big planter and was curled asleep in the bottom. I ever so gently picked her up and cradled her in my arms, she felt cold and emitted a faint mew. The thought of letting her pass naturally at home crossed my mind but I could not be sure that she was not in pain. I called the vet's office immediately and was in my car soon after. During the 40 minute drive to the clinic I watched for any sign of rallying on her part. Looking back on it now I think I was witnessing the failure of her kidneys and a general shutdown of her vital functions.
She was put to sleep gently, delicately with no distress on her part, and afterwards all I could think about was her last day outdoors, a beautiful fall day, not too warm, not too cold with a gentle breeze. She probably returned to the house for my sake, to reassure me, to calm me, because if she had not I would have been consumed by guilt that she had gone off to die on her own. She basically denied her instincts to accomodate me.
Listen to your purr-paw, give him time outdoors if he wants, he will let you know when it is time.
My thoughts are with both of you tonight and I am praying for a few miracles for you and your beloved.
Nicole

The vet said his kidney levels are high enough to try giving him injections of Enogen. The day before we both thought it was all over, but his blood work showed us differently. I'm trying to hold on to some hope.
They taught me yesterday how to give him the shot. This is so hard. I feel sick all the time and I'm trying to work and talk to my friends even though all I want to do is crawl into bed and hide under the covers.
Everything is costing so much money..that I don't have, but I can't not do it. I'd rather be in debt then look back on this and know I didn't try everything I could.

I'm sorry to hear about your kitty's illness. I know how you feel. My beloved cat was just found out to have a large liver mass that is probably cancer. We've had him for 14 years. He is definitely a treasured member of our family. My husband, kids, and I are broken up about it. He stopped eating 5 days ago and is going "downhill". It is so hard to say goodbye and to know if we should consider euthanasia.

It helps to know that we are not alone in our grief. Just love and spoil your baby as long as you can. That's what we are doing with our precious Pumpkin.

I've given Kaluja the injection 3 times and he doesn't seem to be worse, but he also doesn't seem to be better. He's still dragging himself to the kitty litter box, but other then that he's just in the bathroom. I'm syringing him liquid diet, which he's not happy about and it get's all over, but I have to keep trying. He's skin and bones..literally. His body is just waisting away before me, but his mind is still there. I'm just to keep giving him the medicine and pray. I feel like everytime I leave the house I'm walking around in a coma afraid I may come home and find him worse or dead. It's like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time, so how can I think about aything else? I feel like I can't breathe.

I'm so sorry for your pain. I'm glad that your baby is home with you. Just love him and cuddle him and spent lots of time with him. If he enjoys going outside, let him. If he wants to nap for hours in an out-of-the-way spot, let him. Just let him lead you in what is best for him. Every cat should have such a loving, compassionate friend like you. I am sure that he feels secure in your love and appreciates all that you are doing for him.

Please keep us updated in how you and your kitty are doing.

All my love,
Helena

Helena gave some very good advice...just keep loving him and cuddling him. It's those special moments that will bring you comfort later on.

Please keep us posted.
Hugs,
Kathleen

I took Kaluja to the vet today to see if the Epogen is doing anything and it doesn't seem to be working. My doctor told me to give him some prednizone and hope that maybe it will renew some of his appetite and relieve some of his discomfort. I'm freaking out. He's been meowing tonight in a weird way and then I realized his butt was leaking. I tried to clean him up, but I don't know why after not going for days, now he's leaking. I don't know if it's the prednizone or just his body getting that much closer to death. I have been so convinced that he wants to die at home on his own with me, but what if I'm wrong.
This is so hard.

Prednizone is a powerful drug. Some animals respond very well to it, but for others, it seems to have a lot of bad side effects. When Shiloh was going through chemo, she tolerated the chemo very well...it was the prednizone that gave her the most problems. One of the side effects she suffered was loss of bladder control. It wasn't like she'd try to make it outside, but couldn't...she'd be laying on the floor and all of a sudden she'd start leaking urine. She had no idea she was leaking...in a matter of a few seconds she'd be laying in a pool of urine. So, I opted not to give her the prednizone. Not giving Kaluja his prednizone might not be an option for you, but it sounds like his leakage might be related to the prednizone.

You and Kaluja are in my thoughts.
Hugs,
Kathleen

Hon I know how you feel.

I don't want to take my Middy to the vet to be put to sleep since it terrifies her going to the vet, but I don't want her to die painfully

My oppinion is to put your baby down peacefully. At least he'll be with you, and he won't be afraid since youre there.

My prayers are with you both

I'm laying in bed with kaluja watching him. He seems to be getting weaker and weaker. I know it could be any minute or in another couple of days. This is so hard. I've been crying non stop. I had two clients today and all I could think about was how afraid I was he would have passed away before I got home. I'm trying to embrace every minute, but I feel like this is going to kill me. I don't know how to let him go. I feel like the pain is going to swollow me up.
When we stare at eachother he is still my little boy. When I go to touch his stomach he still tries to kick it away. When I scratch his head, he still lift it up to tell me to scratch his neck. I can't wrap my brain around this. THIS IS REALLY HAPPENING. HOW CAN THIS BE HAPPENING! MY BABY IS DIEING!!

May the Good Lord Bless you and Keep You ~ May the Lord make His face to shine upon you and give you peace ~

My Dear Fellow Traveller ~ Please know you are not alone ~this final time together is so bitter sweet and filled with trancendental and spiritually powerful moments that you will not understand until after it is over ~ however your love and incredible bonding of the spirits with your dear faithful friend is the bridge with which you will remain forever together and how your relationship continues after the earthly life transitions to the spiritual ~ Just as sure as the tides of the Oceans or the orbit of the planets ~ so is the connection that you have with your precious Kaluja ~ You have a timeless link with one another because there are parts of you both that were destined to always be together at the level of the soul ~ how difficult it is to see this clearly now in the immediate days of grief and loss ~ I know ~ my Amber left me after 20 years ~ it has been 4 months ~ I will never get "over" it but have only come to understand at a deeper and spiritual level how multi faceted life is and how it is a constant dispersement of energy and integration of the souls ~ moment to moment ~ we sparkle and glitter and intermingle despite the intrusion of the secular world of the daily routine and mundane man made aspects of life that we come to believe is such a priority ~ yet when I lost those I have loved in my life including most recently my dear sweet Ambie ~ I am once again reminded of the greater purposes and spiritual realities that too often are neglected and even forgotten ~ and most importantly the LOVE because it is the most powerful force that we have ~ a beacon from God that is God and through that LOVE we connect forever and heal the wounds of the soul through the consolation of the spirit as we are comforted with the truth of the eternal ~ Our animals live in that realm all the time and know so much more than we ~ it is what we learn from them ~ so many cultures before us knew this and integrated the connection with their animals into the daily lives they led on such a deeper level - so the lesson for me is to reintegrate spiritually with this part of life ~ and to also envison each day the glittering essence of the soul and spiritual emanation ~ that is expressed by what we have chosen to call LOVE but what is in reality so much MORE ~ I journey closer to understanding this everyday ~ It is this LOVE that brings you to your dear Kaluja and connects your spirits forever ~ as the days pass you will find ways to begin to find each other in this new way ~ and over time it will become stronger and you will understand that they are never far away ~ only waiting and gazing lovingly from just behind the veil ~

May you find comfort this day ~ May the road rise with you and the wind be always at your back and may the Lord hold you in the hollow of His hand ~

In Love and Spiritual Healing ~ A Friend ~ Kathryn

Kaluja...my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope if it is your kitties time to go...that he passes peacefully in your arms as my TJ did. My kitty had the same health problem as yours. I know the agony and grief you are going through. I wish to God there was something I could do for you. I will pray for both of you.

(((HUGS)))
Lisa...NOAH'S ARK