I haven't been able to visit here as much as I normally do.. tendinitis in my wrists has kept me offline pretty much... They are feeling better today so I thought I'd come and read new posts and maybe send a few encouraging words... Instead I find myself in utter despair... I woke up this morning in tears so I guess I should have expected it. I just really miss my boy. I still think I see him, smell him, hear him... It's such a painful blow to realize that it's all in my head. July 30th will be 2 months. It's also my grandmothers birthday, and we are throwing her a big party here at my house. It's important that we do this, as she has Alzheimer's disease and it's progressing very quickly. But omg, how do I handle a house full of family when it will be 2 months since I let my baby go??? Just the thought of this has sent me into a complete spiral. I opened his treat drawer the other day.. I emptied it the day he died and sent all his treats home with my brother for his dogs.. I was SURE I got them all, but there was a bone sitting on the bottom of the drawer.. I cannot bear to throw it out.
I'm so sorry that I don't have encouraging words for you all right now. I really wanted to as I see we have some new people who have lost their babies. I am so sorry I cannot be strong for everyone, as everyone has been for me. I am so sorry for everyone's pain.. and I pray for us all daily.

Jenn, you have been SO strong for ALL of us! You have helped SO MANY of us through our very worst days. Take some time FOR YOURSELF. It's still 'early days': 2 months is nothing when you think of all the years you had with your boy. And as to the doggy treat you found. Well, I'm sure I won't be the only one to say it, but I think that maybe that was a little sign, as if he was saying: 'It's okay, Mum. I'm doin' fine....and I'm still with you!'

I am so, so sorry you are feeling so sad today, Jenn...and of course, the pain in your wrist isn't helping things.

Know that we are all here and thinking of you.
Sending loads of love,
Amanda ***

Amanda,
Thanks for you support... I agree that the bone was a sign and it's not the only one he's sent... He was a very loving little boy and he's making good and sure that I know he loves me and is ok... Even in knowing this and feeling him here with me my heart still remains broken. If I am told to "get over it" once more I will completely snap. I will never get over this.. not ever.. he was my first pet, my first furbaby, and he spent 10 glorious years by my side. He was not a 'dog', he was Freeway, my family. I can't seem to stop crying today, I haven't had a day like this in a while... My beautiful baby boy.... Man how I just want to hold him.... One more hug, one more kiss... one more shake of his sweet little paw... They say time heals but each new day without him seems to be getting harder than the last. A 'petless' home just doesn't feel right. A Freeway free home is unbearable.

Dear Jenn,

You're still very young in your grieving over Freeway and what you're going through is perfectly normal. When Shiloh died I decided to give myself a year to grieve for her. I can remember back to her 6 month anniversary...I layed in her favorite spot on the floor and just sobbed. I don't think that I will ever stop missing her and wishing she was still with me, but I try and find comfort in knowing that by celebrating her life and keeping her memories safe in my heart, I will always carry a part of her with me.

As for not being able to be strong for everyone...not to worry, Jenn. This website is a give and take kind of place. Right now you're in a spot where you need to be comforted...in a week you may be feeling better and be in a place to offer comfort to someone in deep despair.

I have to agree with Amanda about the bone. I'd consider it a little message from Freeway also.

Hugs to you Jenn. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now.
Kathleen

Thank you for your reply Kathleen. In my heart I know you're right, that it is still very early... 6 weeks this Monday. I wish the rest of the world, my family and friends included, would realize this as well. The fact that I cannot openly grieve is exactly WHY I have days like today. And why I feel so completely alone, a feeling I'd be feeling without Freeway here anyways - but it's so much more intensified. I'm completely sabotaging relationships, I refuse to talk to anyone or go anywhere other than work and shopping for necessary items. I'd love to just close off the world for a week and be completely alone with lots of ice cream and chocolate... but unfortuantely I can't do that, as most of us can't. If it weren't for this place and all of you I'd be absolutely insane by now, at least I know someone out there TRULY understands, and cares, which is WAY more than I can say for those in my life right now. I have to admit I am feeling a lot of anger and hurt about that as time goes on.... I know if it was reversed (and in some case, it HAS been) I would and have been there for those I love when they've lost pets/family members... So why am I so different.
Sorry, I'm rambling, and not even about what I really need to be.. I just want to thank you guys for being here, understanding, and caring. My thoughts and prayers are, as always, with you all.