Hi everyone...I've been reading the posts here the last week or so and crying my eyes out. I've finally found the courage to talk about what happened to my sweet baby.
July 5th, I was taking the trash out for the morning's pick-up. As usual, Dixie(my 8 year old terrier/##er mix) and Frances (my 9 year old dachsund mix) followed me in and out of the back gate. My two sweeties were ALWAYS by my side. Long story short, my neighbor suddenly appeared, chasing a stray cat she had been trying to catch. Oh, by the way, I unfortunately live on the corner of a busy 4 way intersection. I HATE it (even more now).
My dogs saw the cat running by and started to give chase (something they LOVED to do...birds, cats, squirrels...they LOVED to chase little creatures). I yelled for them to stop and they did, then Frances gave into temptation and Dixie followed. The cat and Frances made it, but Dixie was hit by a large SUV as I watched. It was the most HORRIBLE thing I have ever had to witness. I can still see her and hear her. She was hit so hard in the belly area...she just let out this awful yell. I ran into the street and the woman who hit her rolled her window down and said "I'm sorry..." and just drove away!! I was hysterical...I knew Dixie probably wouldn't make it. I saw her get hit...she was no match for the SUV. I still can't get the picture out of my head. I was hysterical... and Dixie lay bleeding out her mouth and dying. Her paws had also had been run over and were bleeding. I can't even imagine her pain. I wish I could have taken that pain away. I have only lived here 3 weeks and didn't know what to do, where to go. The woman chasing the stray cat offered to drive me in my car while I get in the back with Dixie. It was the longest drive ever...over 15 minutes to go 3 miles. We hit every long red light. Dixie was dying as I held her. She honestly took her last breath and started twitching her head as we pulled into the vet parking lot. They got her heart to beat again (CPR) but she never could breathe on her own. They put a breathing tube but her abdomen was full of blood. Dixie died and I feel so damn guilty. I am crying as I type and I go through stages of guilt (for not leashing her, for not running faster, for not yelling louder), to stages of anger (why didn't that stupid lady see her??? why didn't God answer my prayer to let her please please please LIVE??? why why why???), to disbelief (how can she be gone in an instant? we just moved here, for GOd's sake and she's gone in 3 weeks??? how can it be so?). I am so lost, so devastated. I feel so as fault. DAMNIT!!! This is my fault!! I didn't protect her from the dangers of this stupid busy intersection! What was I thinking, moving into such a dangerous place?? I honestly feel that I will only get past this pain, this guilt, the day that I die. I cut her life short...SHE LOVED LIFE!! The happiest dog I ever saw and my last thoughts of her are her laying crying in the street. I feel dead too. The vet called yesterday to say they have her ashes...I can't deal with it. I haven't picked them up because I can't stand to see my dog in a SMALL BOX in the form of ASHES. It is WRONG. Why does this stuff happen?? Why didn't God let my dog live??? I begged him...and she still died. Please someone help me. I can't deal with this.

I'm so sorry. How horrible that you had to see it all.

Accidents will happen and there is nothing we can do to prevent them all. I promised Qorqui that I would never let anything happen to her, and she was hit and killed while I was at work. I carried the guilt that it was my fault for many weeks before I began to get it under control. It still creeps in now and again, but not so bad and it usually fades fairly quickly.

The pain and guilt you're feeling is normal. I know it doesn't make it feel any better, but it may help to know this is a very common part of the loss and greiving process.

I'll try to write more later, your story has brought me back to the day I lost Qorqui and I can't see through the tears...

Hi Dixie's Mom,

I am very sorry to read about your Dixie. My words may be of little comfort because my pain from loss is still fresh, but I felt I needed to write to you.

On July 2, I too lost my dog, Buddy, in a tragic way leaving me with so much guilt. I miss him daily. I keep reliving the incident in my head thinking of all of the things I could have done to prevent it, but it will never change what happened. I too prayed so hard to God that Buddy would be alive, but we can't blame God. We will never know all of the times our pets may have lost their lives but things we did prevented it from happening or maybe God did protect them. It was just time. For reasons we don't understand right now, it was just time. You didn't do it! The only way you could blame yourself for it was if you made Dixie go out in the street. It was not your fault!

I am very upset at the insensitivity of the lady in the SUV. Whether she saw Dixie or not she still could have stopped.

I pray that in time your guilt will leave and your pain will soften.

Sent with a prayer,
Cassie

Oh, sweetie...
I read your post and got a sick feeling in my stomach thinking of this absolutely HORRENDOUS and NIGHTMARISH experience. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling, to have witnessed something so violent and so shocking to someone you loved so, SO much.
The most important thing here, I think, it to remember that THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Accidents are terrible, terrible things - but the very word, 'accident' - means that this was something UNAVOIDABLE and UNINTENTIONAL. You had NO IDEA of the tragic timing of events (the stray cat being chased, the oncoming SUV) and all these things collided in a horrendous accident....but it was NOT YOUR FAULT.
You asked God 'why, why, why?' Well, I think we've ALL asked Him that. And you know what? There IS an 'answer'....but it's not one we're allowed to know, I guess. Maybe Dixie died this way because God knew that - had she lived - something even worse may have befallen her and He wanted to spare both you and your sweet little dog an even greater pain? Maybe it happened so that the SUV driver would learn to be a little more careful, go a little less quickly, and the accident with Dixie might ultimately lead to the SUV driver NOT running over and killing that child chasing a ball or that lady crossing the road with a baby in a pushchair.
I wish I had an answer for you...but I HAVE to believe that these terrible things happen for reasons beyond our ken.
How are you doing? I can only imagine the grief you are feeling, and wish that there was something I could say that could help. PLEASE try to take care of yourself during these first, dark days...and know that Dixie will ALWAYS be with you, in spirit and in your heart.
This really is so very sad...and you and Dixie are in my thoughts and prayers.
Amanda ***

Dear Dixie'sMom,

These questions that you are asking -the are all so vital, and they are questions that I think we all have found ourselves asking, no matter the cir%%stances of our pets' death. The only conclusion that I've been able to come to is that terrible grief such as this is just another (albeit strange, unexpected, painful) yet powerful way that God is calling us to Him. Calling us to draw near to Him and have faith in a time of sorrow. At times to me, this seems like a simplistic explanation, but yet I feel there is truth to it.

I am so terribly sorry you had to witness that lady in her damn SUV run over your precious Dixie, and then just say "I'm sorry" and drive off when she had just taken the life of one of your very best friends...oh it just makes my blood boil!

It has been two months since I lost my Allie. I know that I will never stop missing her or loving her. But the guilt and anger have begun to subside. It may take longer -everyone grieves differently.

But like the others have said, accidents do happen and I know it's hard, but please don't blame yourself. Dixie would have wanted you to forgive yourself. She loved you unconditionally. I know the pain that she might have felt is torturing you, but remember that dogs are resiliant -they have a very high tolerance for pain, and also the injury to her was very quick and so she was never really aware of what happened, and her pain was quickly taken away when she died. I believe that the spirit of my little Allie is running free and that she is happy. I know your little Dixie is too, and you will see her again one day.

With love,
Jenny

{{{{DixiesMom}}}}

I'm *so* so sorry. How terribly tragic but please dont blame yourself. There was nothing you could do and I believe strongly in fate. Your beautiful Dixie had you by her side in the end, she was comforted by your face and your love.

As for the woman who hit your beautiful fur-baby and drove off...I wish she would have stopped, how horrible to just drive off like that.

There are a lot of wonderful people on this board, please check in from time-to-time to tell us how you're doing.

dawn

Wow- I wish I could respond to each of you. The people here are absolutely warm, caring, and so suportive. It is very comforting to know that people UNDERSTAND the pain. It doesn't change what happened, but it is so important that people can empathize with you. And for that I am very grateful to have this forum and the people who use it.
Sorry if my speech is not eloquent. I have been in a zombie-like state since this happened to my Dixie. The pain is so bad, so intense, that I sometimes feel that I cannot, WILL not go on. Yes, I force myself to exist- I have no choice. But there's that sense of guilt- I'm alive, and she is not. I feel guilty for that.
I have read all of your heartbreaking posts, as well as you have read mine. I cried with each one of them. Not for Dixie, but for you all and your furry companions. Cat or dog, accident or old age and disease; whatever the case may be, losing a beloved pet is so so so very difficult. It sucks, period.
Again, I wish I could respond to each of you, Dawn, Jenny, Amanda, Cassie,and Qorqui's dad. Your posts have broken my heart. I can only imagine the heartbreak you are feeling as well. Thank you thank you thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I've yet to pick up her ashes...I just can't. Not yet. I can't even look at her picture right now and I had my husband hide her leash and collar from me. It is just too painful
God bless you all and I will be posting my angel Dixie's picture as soon as I feel brave enough to look at it myself.
Wishing you all the peace, comfort, and love that you have shown to me and Dixie. You AND your babies are in my thoughts and prayers as well. Thanks again.
Dana

Dear Dana,

I'm so sorry for your tragic loss of Dixie. After we lose a beloved pet...be it to cancer, old age, or a tragic accident, we all deal with feelings of guilt and anger...so what you're feeling is normal. I know reading that doesn't help the pain, but sometimes it makes us feel a little bit better knowing that we're not the only ones feeling that way.

I don't know that I can add anything to the words of advice you've already been given here, but I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry about what happened and that you're in my thoughts.

Hugs,
Kathleen

Dear Dana,
I was really happy to read your post, because when I read your first post, I could only begin to understand the pain and shock you were somehow enduring. I'm so glad you're going to go through these dark days with this wonderful website, because I think everyone here would join me in saying that your story was BEYOND heartbreaking and horrific, and the fact that you're able to even function is a real credit to your strength of character and compassion for others. Your kind words about our losses really touched me, and I also felt a bit humble, because although losing Serge (on July 5th) was the most horrific and upsetting experience EVER....the fact that he ultimately died peacefully with his three 'grown-ups' around him...well. I guess I'm trying to say that your story has made me finally realize how lucky I was to have lost my beloved friend in such 'gentle' cir%%stances. I don't think I could have coped with it any other way, and so I REALLY understand what you mean when you say that you feel you are just 'existing' at the moment....and you have nothing but my total respect and admiration for your strength and your compassion.
Dana, you have to accept that what happened was not only devastating and heartbreaking, it was also very traumatic. Those last seconds are etched in your mind right now, and I'm guessing that it is impossible for you to think about Dixie without visualizing the accident. Impossible though it may sound right now, but there WILL be a time when you can think about Dixie WITHOUT thinking about the accident: you will remember her playing and cuddling and making you laugh. In other words, there will come a time when you'll think of her in the context of the WONDERFUL life you gave her, and I think - when that time comes - you'll be able to go on in peace.
In the meantime...
There is nothing that can make you feel 'better' during these first couple of weeks, but there ARE things you can do to feel 'comforted'. I've said this on some other threads, but what helped ME through the first, awful days was a total indulgence in 'comforting' things: warm baths, good ice-cream, mashed potatoes, snuggling up with a cozy blanket, etc. Sure, they didn't make me feel 'better', but they made me feel physically 'comfortable'. See friends if you want to....but don't be afraid of telling friends you aren't ready to see them. They will understand. What also helped me was sleeping with the T.V on. Lying in a dark and silent room at bed-time was, for me, an invitation to sorrow and nightmares. After two nights of this, I decided to sleep with the T.V on: I'd watch the weather channel or the travel channel (NOTHING emotional or involving animals), and I found that doing that I was able to doze off in relative peace.
These are just some ideas of 'practical' things that helped me during the very darkest times.
My heart just breaks thinking of what you have been through, Dana.
Lots of love,
Amanda ***

Oh Dana, we lost our little lion on July 5th, also to the roads. But for you it must have been even worse, because we didn't see what happened to Shaun, we only found his body afterwards. We were literally crippled with pain, neither Pete nor I could stop crying. This forum has been the main source of comfort for me and continues to help me through this nightmare.

I know what you mean about the ashes. We took Shaun to the pet cemetery and whilst he was in the chapel of rest we had to choose a little casket for him, and I thought it all seemed so very wrong. When we went back for the interrment, they brought this little wooden box out and I just went to pieces. It wasn't right that such a beautiful animal could end up like this. But once we had interred the box in our plot, I started to feel a little stronger. I took comfort in knowing that my ashes and Pete's ashes will go there too. I can understand people who say that they want their ashes mixed with their pets' ashes.

I have gone through so many emotions since that day. At first I rejected my other lovely pets; now, with the support of the people here, I am beginning to love them again. One thing that gives me comfort is having Shaun's photograph in the living room with a candle near to it. Every day I light the candle and talk to him. Next week we will order a beautiful marble headstone for the plot - we are going to have a picture of Shaun laser-engraved onto it. Memorials really do help. These wonderful creatures leave such a gap in our lives, and paying tribute to them is very important. We would love to see a picture of Dixie.

Some truly wonderful creatures went to the Bridge on July 5th.

We will get through this by supporting each other. Our thoughts are with you.

Jules

"Some truly wonderful creatures went to the Bridge on July 5th." (Jules)

The above brought very big tears to my eyes. But it also made me think that - now that we all know each other and have shared our experiences and heartbreak - maybe all of our July 5th babies went to the Bridge together.

I like to think of Sergey travelling starting his new adventure with Dixie and Shaun.

Amanda ***

Amanda and Jules,
Both of your posts brought tears to my eyes. Jules, you are so brave that you can have a picture of Shaun that you talk to everyday. I accidentally came across a picture of Dixie last nite and I almost lost it (emotionally). It is so hard to look at her face knowing that she will never be alive here on earth again. My God, the pain is awful. Awful. I am so sorry to hear how you lost Shaun July 5th. You're right...many wonderful animals went to the bridge that day. I can't believe the timing of that day. Had the 4th not been a holiday, I would have been taking out the trash the previous day. And the neighbor chasing the stray cat, she was on vacation on the 4th and not at home and would have not been chasing that cat! Had the 4th of July not happened, this would not have happened to Dixie! It just seems like everything was working against us that day. The 4th of July is now my least favorite holiday. Sounds ridiculous, I'm sure. Pretty much everything out of mouth these days is incoherent. Everyone on this board is so wonderful, so supportive. I feel like a rambling idiot that can't put a sentence together. All I can say is that I feel for your pain, too Jules. What a horrible way to lose a much-loved pet. To the damn road. It is so unfair. Healthy pets robbed of their life too soon. Why?? I guess we'll all understand someday why we have to endure this, why our babies had to endure it. But it all seems senseless right now. Jules, you are in my thoughts and prayers, as is your sweet baby Shaun. Thank you for responding to my pain, even in the midst of yours.
Amanda, you are such a sweetheart. You have a gift of providing comfort to others, even when you yourself are in pain. I can't find your posts on what happened to Serge. If you can, can you tell me? I didn't know that you lost Serge on July 5th, too. Your pain is still very fresh. Your attitude is awesome...I wish I was so strong. You and Serge are in my thoughts and prayers, too. I wish you all the best in your difficult time. Thank you so much for your wonderful support.
Dana

Dana,

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. How that lady handled the situation is unconscionable! I empathize wholly with you during these dark, nightmarish days.

I know a lot of people believe that God has a reason or ultimate plan behind a tragic event. I don't know if you are one of those people who find peace believing in "everything happens for a reason", but I just wanted to offer to you another philosophy that may in time bring some measure of comfort. Of course I think everyone would agree that what happened was purely an accident..you did nothing wrong or negligent that led up to Dixie being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ironically, comfort comes from realising that there were probably many, many near misses in Dixie's life..and in your life too (with cars, cancers, injuries, you name it). In infinite ways, daily decisions and actions (all of the "woulda, coulda, shouldas" that people refer to) can unleash a chain of events, or put you in the right spot at the right time for some good or bad outcome. To give you a scenario, five years ago had you turned down this street instead of that, you both would have been struck by that random guy driving 65 in a 25 mile-an-hour residential street. See what I mean? What happened was purely random, and I wouldn't think of it as part of a plan in terms of "everything happens for a reason". And as you look at it in hindsight, please don't beat yourself up about the woulda, coulda, shouldas...it's self-torture with no resolve. You and Dixie had eachother for eight precious, wonderful, fleeting years. What many here have said is so true, no matter how long you have with your furkid, it will never be enough. I hope this has helped somehow. You are in my thoughts. ((hugs))

Everyone has already spoken the words much more elequently than i ever could, so i will just add that there is another person (that would be me ) that is thinking of, and cares about you and the pain that you are enduring.

Nyte

Punky's Mom,
I just got done reading your tribute to your baby Punky in the Tributes section and the tears are still rolling down my cheek. Oh my gosh, you loved that baby so much. I know you lost him several months ago, but after reading your tribute, I want to tell you that you are in my thoughts and I feel so bad that you lost your baby that meant SO SO SO much to you. I am so so sorry. He was the world to you. What a lucky dog indeed.
Thanks for your post regarding my Dixie. I do tend to agree with what you said, as far as things happening for a reason and things that are just meant to be. I do believe that. But it still hurts like HELL, as you surely know. Oh my gosh, I miss all of her cute little characteristics and all the silly things about that little girl. The way she chased helicopters, the way she ran around the swimming pool CONTINUOUSLY on the night of the 4th of July, chasing fireworks! The way she "tap-danced" for her food. I could go on and on... wow, this is hard. I want to post her pic but am not brave enough yet. Seeing her beautiful face on a picture makes me fall to pieces, knowing that I can't see her, touch her, rub her belly, save a spot under the blanket for her. I wonder when I will be ok. Right now it seems like never. I bet you felt/feel the same way. We are all in this big crappy boat together. I'm glad I have so many people's support, including yours. You are a sweetheart.
Thanks so much,
Dana

Nyte,
Thank you so much for the kind words of caring and support. For some reason, this is getting harder than easier (I STILL can't pick up her ashes ) and I need all the support I can get.
Thanks again,
Dana

No, certainly you are the sweetheart, trying to offer me comfort of all things so soon after you've lost your own. Thank you so much.

I hope you are hanging in there. What you've experienced is horror beyond my comprehension. You are a brave, strong soul. Please keep coming here to write. Just the act of writing helps soothe the pain. Really, it's like praying if you think about it.


,
Punky's Mommy