Hi Everyone:
On February 7, 2004 at noon, our little Ernie was put to sleep. Though it has been just 12 days since our girl has gone over to Rainbow Bridge, we actually feel okay. (I never thought I'd say that!)

Those who have read & responded to my "early" posts, I just want to say "thanks to all; I would not be where I am now if it wasn't for everyone's help. I'm grateful to everyone, for your loving care, understanding & insight, etc..".
Ernestine was going to be 20 in April; yes, she was "old" and I am grateful that I was chosen to have been her mom for that long - I fell in love with her when I saw her as a 6 week old baby!!

Yes, I had her for just about 20 years - that is a long time - But, I would've missed her, (if I had lost her), at any age of her life, no matter how long we were together. I have a lot of beautiful memories of my girl as we "shared a lot of history". When Ben came into my life 3 years ago, he happily became Ernestine's dad - They loved one another very much, and had there own special relationship. I am smiling a lot lately because I know she is in a better place and she is not suffering anymore. The tears, when they come, are of very short duration. Ben & I always talk about the funny things that our girl did, and we talk about how sick our little one got.

Ben & I were looking into shelters to adopt a couple of new kitties; not necessarily young babies - if there are a couple of older furbabies that need a home, that's certainly fine. The morning after I had looked into different shelters, as I was waking up, I said to myself, "what were you thinking??? You must be a heartless SOB, poor Ernie hasn't been gone for 6 days, etc..., and many expletives..."
We have SO MUCH LOVE in our hearts, and, my heart has tripled because of my girl. I look at it more as a "tribute to our girl, if you will".... Someone in LS who had written to me said, "it's probably like an "affirmation of your love for Ernie".. And, I BELIEVE ALL OF THAT IS TRUE..
The fact that I am smiling more and not crying as much; and also, looking into adopting a couple of new family members DOES NOT mean we are disrespecting our Ernestine AT ALL - in any way, shape or form!!! We loved her with all our heart & soul -- & we always will!!! There is NO ONE that could ever replace our girl.

We decided to put off adopting a couple of cats for at least a couple of months. We really never trusted anyone to come in and give Ernie her meds. We didn't want someone to come in, quickly feed her & leave.
So, we never went on a vacation. Not that we didn't want to, but Ernie never liked rides in the car. She never enjoyed the 5 minute drive to the vets, so I couldn't imagine how she would've handled at 5+ hour drive..... We have no regrets at all; I just mentioned this b/c it is the reason that we're not adopting right now. We want to be home with our new family, before we take off for 5 days.

For the rest of my life, I will be so very grateful & happy that Ernestine & I were "brought together". You never think the day is going to come when you have to say "goodbye", but, Ben & I "sort of knew something" was going on with Ernie; with her increase in sick days, since end of November.... Perhaps that helped us in preparing.... I don't know.

But, we will always miss her (VERY MUCH), and, we think of her all the time. She was a very silly girl - I'm sure, in some ways, "she was human". I've heard it said many times, "Our "whatever furbaby" thinks he/she is human". I must admit, Ernestine was a better HUMAN BEING than a lot of people that I know.......she was SO instinctive, especially when it came to my feelings...

When we brought home subs the other night, I kept waiting for Ernie to come join us....of course, she always wanted some turkey breast and/or chicken, roast beef.... Same thing with grocery shopping, she'd always be there when we were putting things away.... It was only natural....she wanted some too!!!

There are A LOT OF CHANGES -- Though our Ernestine is not with us in the physical world, she is totally with us in SPIRIT.. I'll tell you, that, in itself, is extremely comforting.... WE KNOW that when our time comes, she'll be waiting for us to cross over & she'll bring along "our whole fur-baby family, that went before her".

We love you baby girl!!!!

God Bless you all!! Love, Denise & Ben

I don't think it is so individual.... I've been on the board 8 or so months now and I constantly see myself and my babies in other people's posts. I guess that is why I keep coming back...

We were the same with Saki's meds. We went on vacation once after she was diabetic, and we had her boarded, so she could get her meds. But she had not been boarded before, and she was old at that point (10) and refused to eat while she was there. So... no vacations between then and when she passed. None now, bc tim refuses to leave our puppy...

The reason we all keep saying "20 years" is because we are jealous. That is the plain and simple truth. We do not begrudge you at all. We all understand. But we are jealous. Well, I guess it could be just ME that it is jealous.... I know the grieving would be just as intense if not more so if I'd had Saki for 8 more years (or lec or freyja for 5), but I still wish ...

it is individual to the point that everyone has their own ways of showing grief and live
on their own timetable when it comes to moving on. we are "spoiled" here somewhat
in our private land of pet-loss grief, because many people who visit here share the same
love and sadness. out there in the world, there are many who would not bat an eyelash
to their "animal" dying...to them, it is all part of the process.

Please do not think that "I do not have feelings", because I do.... This post is in response to my post of 2/19/2004 at 6:10pm.... To the replies that I've received, and to people who have "viewed" my post.

Our little Ernestine "was getting ill" for the last 3 years of her life.... occasionally vomiting, diarrhea, losing & then gaining weight, not eating & then eating...., etc...

Like everyone in this forum, Ben & I (since we've only been together for 3 years), have had our own separate "furbabies" in the past. And whether they had to be put to sleep at a young age, or whether they lived to a ripe old age, our heart broke terribly for each and everyone of them. Good thing our hearts have the capacity to even want to love again...to risk the pain again!!! Life has to go on.
I had a furbaby "Pete" back in 1983 (he was a gorgeous wedding gift). Poor Pete got sick at one year old; had a spinal tumor and lost his sight. (this all came on very suddenly). I brought him to an emergency clinic, as that was the only place open. Pete's temp was about 109 degrees.
I wanted them to put poor Pete to sleep, because he was suffering, and in so much pain. My ex & I left that evening knowing that our poor baby would be put out of his misery. It was the most humane thing we could do!! I think we were asked if we wanted to stay, and damn it, we should have!!! But, we were scared & afraid, and just had to leave..thinking Pete was being left in competent hands..
DO YOU KNOW THAT 3 DAYS LATER, I GET A CALL SAYING, "you're cat just died". Well!!! You can all imagine what my thoughts were, anger, pissed off. They didn't put him out of his pain. Just kept him in a cramped cage for 3 days until he died. I was livid (my heart's racing now b/c I remember that day so well!!!!).
Turns out, the vet's were from India, (I'm not racist, I have a couple of close friends from India), and that "was not something their Religion allowed them to do".... WELL, I AM SORRY......do you think they could've called us? I just can't even talk about poor Pete and those expletives!!! They should have told us that night!!!!!

I HURT and I hurt very much for the loss of my little girl Ernie!!! But, was I supposed to keep her here with me, while she was suffering, starving herself to death, losing weight & "using her "good muscle" as food"??
I really don't think that would've been fair. She was my baby girl for 17 years, and then we "adopted" Ben as her dad.
Because I can think of my girl "this soon" with some smiles & peace that she is in a better place, and not suffering, please allow me that! I miss her horribly and, I knew that I would. But to keep her here "for us" would've been the cruelest thing we (or anyone) could've done.

When I read poor Amy's post, dear God, my heart broke for her b/c I could "feel" her suffering, her pain. I know, as "we all know" what that feels like!!! I cried as I read her painful story, but she is very brave to know that her poor baby is suffering, and will be going to Rainbow Bridge to meet his furbaby family member, who went over in December.

You're right LS, a lot of people would not "bat an eyelash" to their "animal dying" -- I hope that statement wasn't meant for me after you read my post of 2/19. But, that is "not who I am"!!.
I am still not over the death of my beloved hamster "Snoopy" who died in 1975 at the "paws" of my cat Sandy. I can replay the image 1million times over....getting ready for school, snoopy not in is habitrail, my brother & I looked all over the house. On the floor, to the right of Snoopy's habitrail, was my darling Snoopy, with his head & left little hand gone........ heart & lungs sticking out.
I was so devastated, I had a nervous breakdown right there. At 14, I stayed out of school for one week.
I couldn't get over it.
The brain is an amazing thing... such a horrible image, yet it's in my head just as fresh as if this occurred yesterday.
I know "now" that my cat was acting "out of instinct", but I did not know it that day.

God Bless everyone! Denise & Ben

I guess its all a case of how we have been raised by our parents or our experiences in life. I do not remember once having a conversation with my mother about death and what happens after. Ok I'm not stupid I know that she doesn’t know, but I guess that somehow from it not being talked about then that means that there is something wrong with it, otherwise why do we not talk about what happens after death????????

I believe that maybe those of you that had and lost pets as children maybe have or will handle losing your pets now better than I have. You I'm sure will disagree!!!!!!!!

I don’t want to upset you but I think you are trying to punish yourself because you feel you was not upset for long enough, which is rubbish. Maybe you feel that like with Snoopy you should be having a nervous break down, this I understand because I felt that I should be throwing myself off a cliff because I loved them soo much,
Well the truth is that you were probably preparing yourself for Ernestine’s death for a few years now and like I was with my dad after he suffered for 5 years it was a blessing and all I had to deal with was the guilt of being glad that the pain was finally over for him.

Life is complicated enough without wondering why someone else grieves different to us, all we can and should be worried about is how we are handling our own grief and if we know its ok to move on then we do not need anyone else’s blessing we just do it.

Maybe you’re not really over Ernestine’s death as easily as you would like to think, maybe you still have a way to go and that’s ok – its ok if you grieve smiling about the good days or if you feel at peace because you know that Ernestine is at peace too – your still grieving the same as the rest of us, you just are..

Muffins,

I do not think that the comment about not batting an eyelash was meant for you or anyone else on this forum. There are people in the world who do not grieve the loss of their pets as we do. The truth is you were most likely grieving the loss of your little one for the last three years. My Snoops was sick with his tumor for 8 months before that final goodbye and I know now that I spent those 8 months saying goodbye to him ... not consciously but I do know that I did things differently once I knew time was short.

I got my two new little ones only a week or so after I lost my Snoops. Not because I wanted them to replace him because no one will ever replace my Snoops (either in my life or in my heart) but because the quiet in the house was driving me nuts. For some this would have been too soon and I too wondered at the time if it was too soon. But for me it was the best decision. I still grieve for my little guy and I still cry for him ... he was my best friend in the world and meant more to me than most of the humans in my life. The difference for me is that now when I cry for him I am holding a wiggly little puppy. I have friends who kept telling me I was making a mistake that I needed time to grieve. I also had other friends who kept telling me to get another little one. How much time you wait before getting a new pet is intensely personal. The amount of time in no reflects on how much you loved your lost one ... the day I got my current two I didn't set out to get them. I went to a breeder simply to check on the breeder and make sure that there is where I wanted to get my new babies. I had planned to wait a couple months ... but then Rosie and Basil (my newest little ones) came up to me and I was hooked. I believe that Snoops sent them to me because he didn't want me to be sad anymore.

I am really happy that the memories are starting to make you smile ... it is a wonderful thing when you can think of them and remember how fun and sweet they were. Never feel you need to defend yourself and what you are feeling to anyone. You loved your baby ... everyone here knows that. If this were not the case you never would have made it here in the first place ...

Hugs to you and Ben ...
Beth

I apologize if I hurt anyones feelings after my post on 2/22...... I am very sorry.

I think on that ONE DAY, I was incredibly frustrated, mad, etc..... I don't know what my problem was..

All I know is, I'm back to feeling incredibly lost without my Ernie-Bird -- I haven't shed tears for awhile, until today.
I know that my tears are healing, and I certainly am not embarrassed about crying wherever I am, if I feel the need too.

I know, as we all do that our "furbabies" are happy, healthy, not hurting and having a blast, until we all go over to claim them.... or, until they come to us & "claim us".

Thanks for listening....I think I'm back to rambling again, but don't mean too.

Love, Denise