Since Shaun died on Tuesday, I've been through such a range of emotions. But at the moment I'm feeling really worried about my feelings.
A friend emailed me the words to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. I took a copy to Shaun's grave today and put it on top of his casket:
Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared,
beneath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
how was I to know that you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know the way it would all end,
the way it would all go.
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance.
When we got back from the cemetery I realised that my feelings towards the other pets have changed. I feel very, very guilty, but I just don't seem to love them as much. Even my little dog - I've only had him for 5 weeks and I adored him. And then there's the other four cats. I still care about them, but things are not the same.
When I thought about "The Dance", I realised that when Shaun was around "all the world was right". Somehow, Shaun brought out the best in me. Because he was so special, I loved everyone so much. Now he's gone, I feel that things will never be right again.
When I look at the other babies, I think they are cute and I want to care for them. But when I see Shaun's picture, I am overwhelmed with love and grief. I'm so sad that I don't seem to love the others as much as I did, I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I could feel the same as I did before Shaun died.
What's the matter with me?
Full Version: Feeling Lousy And Guilty
There's nothing wrong with you. You're grieving. The pain from the loss of Shaun is so new and strong that it is shrouding the love you feel for the rest of your furries. Give it time.
When Qorqui died I felt a responsibility to care for Tink and Shelby, but I didn't feel towards them like I did when she was alive. There were even times when Shelby wanted to play and I didn't want her "pestering" me. Most of that has faded now, and although I still miss my baby puppy horribly, I am able to love the other furries as much as I did before.
Be patient. Grief is very strong and comes in many forms. Let it run its course. Don't rush it, but try not to wallow in it either. If you give your grief the space and tmie it needs, the love you felt for your other furries should return, maybe stronger than before.
Losing Qorqui has helpped me to appreciate my other furries all the more. For me, I'd say I'm closer to them all now than I was before. I know that means it's gonna hurt all the more too when they also pass, but it's a risk I'm willing to take for the unconditional love it returns in the interrim.
Tim
When Qorqui died I felt a responsibility to care for Tink and Shelby, but I didn't feel towards them like I did when she was alive. There were even times when Shelby wanted to play and I didn't want her "pestering" me. Most of that has faded now, and although I still miss my baby puppy horribly, I am able to love the other furries as much as I did before.
Be patient. Grief is very strong and comes in many forms. Let it run its course. Don't rush it, but try not to wallow in it either. If you give your grief the space and tmie it needs, the love you felt for your other furries should return, maybe stronger than before.
Losing Qorqui has helpped me to appreciate my other furries all the more. For me, I'd say I'm closer to them all now than I was before. I know that means it's gonna hurt all the more too when they also pass, but it's a risk I'm willing to take for the unconditional love it returns in the interrim.
Tim
There is nothing wrong with you. As Tim posted, you are grieving and right now your grief is so intense that it is clouding everything else. This is why they say not to make life altering decisions at times like this. Over time, you will find that the grief is not as intense and you will start to feel again the love you have for your furbabies that are still here.
When I lost my Snoops I felt much like you do ... I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone or thing ... I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. I couldn't imagine life continuing without him but now it will be 2 years in September and while I still cry over him and miss him it is not nearly so intense. I have two little ones now who own my heart and soul ... I think I am a better "parent" to them as a result of losing my Snoops. I cherish the time we have together and I'm never to busy (or too dressed up) to hug them and spend time with them.
Hugs,
Beth
When I lost my Snoops I felt much like you do ... I didn't want to have anything to do with anyone or thing ... I just wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there. I couldn't imagine life continuing without him but now it will be 2 years in September and while I still cry over him and miss him it is not nearly so intense. I have two little ones now who own my heart and soul ... I think I am a better "parent" to them as a result of losing my Snoops. I cherish the time we have together and I'm never to busy (or too dressed up) to hug them and spend time with them.
Hugs,
Beth
Nothing is wrong with you. You have described exactly how I feel. I lost my Baby girl on the 4th and I too am feeling the same way towards my other pets. I love them, but I seem to be less interested than I was before. I know it is temporary because my grief over losing Baby is overwhelming. I am trying hard to spend time with my other dogs and cats because I have recently discovered that they are grieving also...I didn't realize it at first. Hang in there. It's hard, I know. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings.
My thoughts are with you,
Char
My thoughts are with you,
Char
After the tragic loss of our very special, highly intelligent, gentle and playful 8-month-old kitten, we only waited a week before getting two more pets from the shelter, a puppy and another kitten. I kept comparing them to the cat we lost, and thought they just didn't measure up. I believed in my mind that while I liked the new pets, I could never love them.
But one night I dreamed I lost them, they died suddenly, or something. I woke up feeling heartbroken, and realized that the new animals had indeed burrowed their way into my heart, I just didn't realize it. Your feelings are obscured by the shock and grief of what happened and you don't have enough emotional energy to devote to the other animals right now. But that will change.
But one night I dreamed I lost them, they died suddenly, or something. I woke up feeling heartbroken, and realized that the new animals had indeed burrowed their way into my heart, I just didn't realize it. Your feelings are obscured by the shock and grief of what happened and you don't have enough emotional energy to devote to the other animals right now. But that will change.
Thank you so much everyone, it is very reassuring to feel that there is nothing seriously wrong with the way I'm feeling.
I think I am trying to rush things, simply because I feel that I can't face many more days like this. Mornings are the worst, because I used to love getting Shaun's breakfast ready and talking to him whilst he ate it. Sometimes he was the reason I got up. This morning the clock radio woke me and the music was Debussy's "Girl with the Flaxen Hair". For the first time, I had the image of Shaun lying on our shed roof looking at us, with his beautiful long fur blowing gently in the breeze. I cracked up again, and haven't stopped crying since.
Cassie, our Turkish Angora, was on the edge of the bed. She is very beautiful, and normally I would be delighted to see hwe. But I just thought "Why not Shaun?" Then Solo, our puppy, was wanting to play with us.. Up until now, I would have been thrilled. But I just shouted that the dog was a nuisance and why wouldn't it leave me alone!
Everything in the world was right, and now it's not. My love for everything, apart from Pete, has been devalued. I am encouraged when you say it may come back. I do hope so, I don't like myself much at the moment at all.
Yesterday, Pete said that one day we may be lucky enough to own another cat as special as Shaun. I doubt it, but it would be fantastic. It's strange that when Ammy died I felt that I could never have another Siamese, but I do feel that I could, in time, have not just another Maine Coon, but a brown tabby. Although I cannot believe that any cat could ever be as stunning. We went to the Supreme Cat Show at Birmingham a few years ago, and we both felt that even the champions were not as lovely as our Shaun.
I really should take Solo out for a walk, but I can't. This is Pete's first day back at work and my first day on my own. On Monday, I need to go back to work and what's worse, I have to go away to another part of the country, so I'm dreading it.
I have two horses out in the field opposite our house. I used to love those horses and now I feel nothing. I have four other cats and they're just something I need to feed. I have a 6 month old puppy who is cute, but he is getting in the way of my grieving for Shaun.
I want things to be like they were, when I loved every one of them so much. Now I love only Shaun, and he's gone.
I think I am trying to rush things, simply because I feel that I can't face many more days like this. Mornings are the worst, because I used to love getting Shaun's breakfast ready and talking to him whilst he ate it. Sometimes he was the reason I got up. This morning the clock radio woke me and the music was Debussy's "Girl with the Flaxen Hair". For the first time, I had the image of Shaun lying on our shed roof looking at us, with his beautiful long fur blowing gently in the breeze. I cracked up again, and haven't stopped crying since.
Cassie, our Turkish Angora, was on the edge of the bed. She is very beautiful, and normally I would be delighted to see hwe. But I just thought "Why not Shaun?" Then Solo, our puppy, was wanting to play with us.. Up until now, I would have been thrilled. But I just shouted that the dog was a nuisance and why wouldn't it leave me alone!
Everything in the world was right, and now it's not. My love for everything, apart from Pete, has been devalued. I am encouraged when you say it may come back. I do hope so, I don't like myself much at the moment at all.
Yesterday, Pete said that one day we may be lucky enough to own another cat as special as Shaun. I doubt it, but it would be fantastic. It's strange that when Ammy died I felt that I could never have another Siamese, but I do feel that I could, in time, have not just another Maine Coon, but a brown tabby. Although I cannot believe that any cat could ever be as stunning. We went to the Supreme Cat Show at Birmingham a few years ago, and we both felt that even the champions were not as lovely as our Shaun.
I really should take Solo out for a walk, but I can't. This is Pete's first day back at work and my first day on my own. On Monday, I need to go back to work and what's worse, I have to go away to another part of the country, so I'm dreading it.
I have two horses out in the field opposite our house. I used to love those horses and now I feel nothing. I have four other cats and they're just something I need to feed. I have a 6 month old puppy who is cute, but he is getting in the way of my grieving for Shaun.
I want things to be like they were, when I loved every one of them so much. Now I love only Shaun, and he's gone.
First off I just want to say I love that song by Garth Brooks, and everytime I hear it, I think of Shiloh and Hobbie, and I boo-hoo cry.
To me it sounds like you're dealing with your grief over losing Shuan. After Shiloh died I found myself overwhelmed with her passing...I spent hours looking at her pictures, writing poems about her, crying...my life became consumed with memories and thoughts of Shiloh. I think that's a pretty normal first stage of grief. It was 3-4 months after Shiloh died that someone here said that they were so distracted with their pet who had passed away that their other animals were being somewhat ignored. That was kind of a wake up call for me. I decided that instead of focusing all my time on my furbaby who was gone, I needed to start spending some quality time with the furbabies I still had. All of that to say, I think in these first weeks and months you'll find that your thoughts are mostly of Shuan, but as time passes and you begin healing, you'll turn to your other furbabies to help you along your journey. I know that's what I've done.
Hugs,
Kathleen
To me it sounds like you're dealing with your grief over losing Shuan. After Shiloh died I found myself overwhelmed with her passing...I spent hours looking at her pictures, writing poems about her, crying...my life became consumed with memories and thoughts of Shiloh. I think that's a pretty normal first stage of grief. It was 3-4 months after Shiloh died that someone here said that they were so distracted with their pet who had passed away that their other animals were being somewhat ignored. That was kind of a wake up call for me. I decided that instead of focusing all my time on my furbaby who was gone, I needed to start spending some quality time with the furbabies I still had. All of that to say, I think in these first weeks and months you'll find that your thoughts are mostly of Shuan, but as time passes and you begin healing, you'll turn to your other furbabies to help you along your journey. I know that's what I've done.
Hugs,
Kathleen
Jules, I have nothing useful to add that the fabulous responses to your post have already yielded...
I have heard that when one pet dies, there are two ways that people respond to their surviving pet(s). The first is the way that I responded: to totally smother and cling to my surviving cat (Lancey), or to feel a real ambivalence and lack of interest towards the surviving pets. But this is a TEMPORARY state. I know that Shaun was special and had qualities that 'brought out the best in you'.
I totally relate to this, because Serge was the same: TOTAL GOODNESS and KINDNESS. His brother, Lancey, is more or less the opposite! He is the naughtiest, greediest, attention-seeking little queen you could ever meet! Yet THESE are wonderful, funny, sweet qualities, too...and so I'm trying to focus on - not just how MUCH I love Lancey - but WHY I love him. For all those things that make him unique. Maybe if you made a list (either mental or even written) of the qualities that make your surviving pets unique...all the reasons why you love them as individuals....it might help redress the balance between your grief over your little Shaun, and the love you feel for your surviving pets.
I imagine you must be feeling guilty for these feelings...but you REALLY MUSTN'T: it is all part of the grieving process.
Shaun sounds FABULOUS, and both of you are in my thoughts.
Amanda ***
I have heard that when one pet dies, there are two ways that people respond to their surviving pet(s). The first is the way that I responded: to totally smother and cling to my surviving cat (Lancey), or to feel a real ambivalence and lack of interest towards the surviving pets. But this is a TEMPORARY state. I know that Shaun was special and had qualities that 'brought out the best in you'.
I totally relate to this, because Serge was the same: TOTAL GOODNESS and KINDNESS. His brother, Lancey, is more or less the opposite! He is the naughtiest, greediest, attention-seeking little queen you could ever meet! Yet THESE are wonderful, funny, sweet qualities, too...and so I'm trying to focus on - not just how MUCH I love Lancey - but WHY I love him. For all those things that make him unique. Maybe if you made a list (either mental or even written) of the qualities that make your surviving pets unique...all the reasons why you love them as individuals....it might help redress the balance between your grief over your little Shaun, and the love you feel for your surviving pets.
I imagine you must be feeling guilty for these feelings...but you REALLY MUSTN'T: it is all part of the grieving process.
Shaun sounds FABULOUS, and both of you are in my thoughts.
Amanda ***
I am feeling the same as you are right now. It is like all of the work involved in taking care of my other babies isn't worth the effort without Cosmo. I also think that I am purposely trying to put distance between me and them, so I won't have to feel THIS BAD when they pass on. I don't have anything helpful to add, except that it is getting a little easier each day to be their "mommy" again.
I really relate to you, because the reason we got our brown tabby, Cosmo, was one of fate. We had rescued a Maine Coon cat named Sam from his irritable owner, but Aaron's parents ended up adopting him from us, or maybe he adopted them. When Aaron's brother was looking for a kitten, specifically a female tortoise shell, long-haired calico, my mom found a litter that contained one. I was sent to pick her up, and when I left Aaron said, "Don't bring home another one for us [at the time, we had 3 cats], unless he looks like Sam." Imagine my surprise when I saw Cosmo. A long-haired brown tabby, yes, but so similiar to Sam, with his long fur, 4 white feet, and beautiful copper eyes.(My avatar does not do him justice). I believe it was fate for Cosmo to live with me, and I had a special bond with him from the start. Even though he was 10 when he passed, I feel that if his body was stronger he could have and should have lived 10 more years. I feel "robbed", though by not as much time as you.
I believe you will come back to your love for your other babies, and they will bring meaning back into your life, because little by little, that is what is happening for me.
My loving thoughts and prayers are with you to bring you "back" for your babies.
Michelle
I really relate to you, because the reason we got our brown tabby, Cosmo, was one of fate. We had rescued a Maine Coon cat named Sam from his irritable owner, but Aaron's parents ended up adopting him from us, or maybe he adopted them. When Aaron's brother was looking for a kitten, specifically a female tortoise shell, long-haired calico, my mom found a litter that contained one. I was sent to pick her up, and when I left Aaron said, "Don't bring home another one for us [at the time, we had 3 cats], unless he looks like Sam." Imagine my surprise when I saw Cosmo. A long-haired brown tabby, yes, but so similiar to Sam, with his long fur, 4 white feet, and beautiful copper eyes.(My avatar does not do him justice). I believe it was fate for Cosmo to live with me, and I had a special bond with him from the start. Even though he was 10 when he passed, I feel that if his body was stronger he could have and should have lived 10 more years. I feel "robbed", though by not as much time as you.
I believe you will come back to your love for your other babies, and they will bring meaning back into your life, because little by little, that is what is happening for me.
My loving thoughts and prayers are with you to bring you "back" for your babies.
Michelle
Thank you so, so much, everyone! I can't say how much you have helped me.
I'm trying so hard with the other pets. Yesterday I took Solo (the little dog) to the hairdressers with me. He behaved absolutely perfectly, sat on my lap for the whole time and was very friendly towards everyone. They all thought he was fantastic, and told me how lucky I was. Then one lady said "he is obviously your pride and joy!"
Then it struck me. My initial thought was to reply "Of course not - I've lost my pride and joy, he died on Tuesday". But I didn't say this, I just said "Oh, yes, he is!", with a lump in my throat. And I really wanted to mean it.
Then some other girls were saying how gorgeous Solo was. Although we live in Lancashire, most of them have never seen a Lancashire Heeler before as they are so rare. I wanted to say "You may think he's gorgeous, but you never met our Shaun". Of course, I didn't say anything, I just smiled. They all said that they wanted to take Solo home.
Later I confessed to my husband that I wanted to say "Take him - you could take all my others if only I could have Shaun back - two horses, four cats and a dog!" I feel so very guilty for even thinking it.
The mornings are always hard for us and this morning was no exception. We were talking about Shaun and ended up sobbing. But when I looked at little Cassie cat sitting on the end of the bed, she was staring at me with such love in her eyes. She walked over and head butted me, and I started to think about how special she is.
I do hope I can start to love them properly again soon.
I'm trying so hard with the other pets. Yesterday I took Solo (the little dog) to the hairdressers with me. He behaved absolutely perfectly, sat on my lap for the whole time and was very friendly towards everyone. They all thought he was fantastic, and told me how lucky I was. Then one lady said "he is obviously your pride and joy!"
Then it struck me. My initial thought was to reply "Of course not - I've lost my pride and joy, he died on Tuesday". But I didn't say this, I just said "Oh, yes, he is!", with a lump in my throat. And I really wanted to mean it.
Then some other girls were saying how gorgeous Solo was. Although we live in Lancashire, most of them have never seen a Lancashire Heeler before as they are so rare. I wanted to say "You may think he's gorgeous, but you never met our Shaun". Of course, I didn't say anything, I just smiled. They all said that they wanted to take Solo home.
Later I confessed to my husband that I wanted to say "Take him - you could take all my others if only I could have Shaun back - two horses, four cats and a dog!" I feel so very guilty for even thinking it.
The mornings are always hard for us and this morning was no exception. We were talking about Shaun and ended up sobbing. But when I looked at little Cassie cat sitting on the end of the bed, she was staring at me with such love in her eyes. She walked over and head butted me, and I started to think about how special she is.
I do hope I can start to love them properly again soon.
Thanks for sharing "The Dance". It is very helpful.
I too am having a hard time loving my other pets the same way after our Buddy died. After one week, though, I feel a little something again. They want to be loved still, and if they could they would tell me how sorry they are that my family is hurting. I am sure your other pets would be telling you the same thing. They are showing you the best way they know how. We just have to hang in there because the pain is taking up just about all the space in our hearts. As the pain softens so will our hearts leaving room to love once again.
Sent with a prayer,
Cassie
I too am having a hard time loving my other pets the same way after our Buddy died. After one week, though, I feel a little something again. They want to be loved still, and if they could they would tell me how sorry they are that my family is hurting. I am sure your other pets would be telling you the same thing. They are showing you the best way they know how. We just have to hang in there because the pain is taking up just about all the space in our hearts. As the pain softens so will our hearts leaving room to love once again.
Sent with a prayer,
Cassie
Hi Jules,
I know you posted several days ago but I am reading it for the first time today. I know exactly what you mean about the world being right only when Shaun was here. I feel the same way with Dixie. I don't even care anymore. We just moved into this house around 3 weeks ago and I was so enthused with fixing it up, fixing the yard, painting, etc. etc. and now I've stopped caring about it all. Who cares what the house looks like? Dixie died and that is all that mattered. I only do the things I have to, but I don't want to. I haven't cooked a meal since she died...microwave food only. I feel incredibly guilty going back to normalcy. It is if I am disrespecting the fact that she died in such an awful way. My moving on means that I forgot about her. That is not true, nor will it ever be, but that's how my mind is working right now. Life will never be the same. I'm sure you can relate.
As for not loving the other pets as much, boy oh boy, can I relate. I had 2 dogs, Dixie and Frances. Dixie was always the follower, and Frances was the leader. When I yelled for them to not chase the cat, they both stopped, then FRANCES darted into the street. Dixie followed. Had Frances not gone, Dixie would not have. A part of me is blaming my other dog Frances for not listening to me. I blame myself, the dumb lady in the SUV, and Frances. I feel so bad for Frances, though. Dixie was her "sister" for the last 8 years. I got them both from the pound a few months apart. They grew up together. Frances was sooo sooo lost the first few days that I went to the pound and adopted 4 year old Jake (a big shaggy blond terrier) on July 8th. Frances resented him at first. After all, Jake is not Dixie! But she is SLOOOWWLY adapting to him. Sometimes I resent the new dog too for not being Dixie. Right now, he is just another dog in the house. I will love him in time, but I am still grieving over my baby of 8 years. Regardless, Frances needed a new friend. She's never been alone and I don't think she could have handled being the only dog. Sorry for being so long-winded. Just wanted to tell you that I can totally understand feeling that you don't love the other babies as much anymore. I am trying my best to give Frances and our new furbaby all the love I can. But on the inside, my heart is so broken. I loved Dixie SOOOO much. Indescribable love. She went from a 9 month old peeing chewing barking PAIN IN THE BUTT to my very best friend who gave me unconditonal love ALWAYS. Life can never be the same. But all we can do is keep living, I guess.
Take care. You are in my thoughts.
Dana
I know you posted several days ago but I am reading it for the first time today. I know exactly what you mean about the world being right only when Shaun was here. I feel the same way with Dixie. I don't even care anymore. We just moved into this house around 3 weeks ago and I was so enthused with fixing it up, fixing the yard, painting, etc. etc. and now I've stopped caring about it all. Who cares what the house looks like? Dixie died and that is all that mattered. I only do the things I have to, but I don't want to. I haven't cooked a meal since she died...microwave food only. I feel incredibly guilty going back to normalcy. It is if I am disrespecting the fact that she died in such an awful way. My moving on means that I forgot about her. That is not true, nor will it ever be, but that's how my mind is working right now. Life will never be the same. I'm sure you can relate.
As for not loving the other pets as much, boy oh boy, can I relate. I had 2 dogs, Dixie and Frances. Dixie was always the follower, and Frances was the leader. When I yelled for them to not chase the cat, they both stopped, then FRANCES darted into the street. Dixie followed. Had Frances not gone, Dixie would not have. A part of me is blaming my other dog Frances for not listening to me. I blame myself, the dumb lady in the SUV, and Frances. I feel so bad for Frances, though. Dixie was her "sister" for the last 8 years. I got them both from the pound a few months apart. They grew up together. Frances was sooo sooo lost the first few days that I went to the pound and adopted 4 year old Jake (a big shaggy blond terrier) on July 8th. Frances resented him at first. After all, Jake is not Dixie! But she is SLOOOWWLY adapting to him. Sometimes I resent the new dog too for not being Dixie. Right now, he is just another dog in the house. I will love him in time, but I am still grieving over my baby of 8 years. Regardless, Frances needed a new friend. She's never been alone and I don't think she could have handled being the only dog. Sorry for being so long-winded. Just wanted to tell you that I can totally understand feeling that you don't love the other babies as much anymore. I am trying my best to give Frances and our new furbaby all the love I can. But on the inside, my heart is so broken. I loved Dixie SOOOO much. Indescribable love. She went from a 9 month old peeing chewing barking PAIN IN THE BUTT to my very best friend who gave me unconditonal love ALWAYS. Life can never be the same. But all we can do is keep living, I guess.
Take care. You are in my thoughts.
Dana
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