Since the day I had to put Cosmo down for his kidney failure, my life has been in turmoil. With each passing day, it seems to be getting harder to go on. I have other beloved furbabies in my home with me, but since Mo has been gone, I have been distant. Distant from them, my boyfriend Aaron, and my friends and family. I feel like they are expecting me to return to the way I was, but that is not possible, not now or ever, because a piece of my heart died with him. I always believed that I love my furbabies equally, but with his loss, I feel that it is no longer true. He was so special, and I know they all are. Someday, when I have to feel the loss of them, I'm sure it will feel just like this. Right now though, I feel the guilt of being so preoccupied with his loss, and the fact that I had to make the choice to end his life, that I feel a distant coldness in my heart. Maybe I am trying to protect myself from feeling this way in the future by putting distance there, but I know it isn't fair to them or to me, because I'll miss sharing the time I have left with them.
I have had pets since the day I was born. There has NEVER been a time when I wasn't sharing my home and life with a furbaby of some type (cats, dogs, mice, gerbils, hamsters, a rat, fish and a hermit crab. I have even hand raised a squirrel, which I released when he was ready, and a wild deer mouse who was without a mom at 5 days old, ( but I kept him because it was fall and I live in NY and it was too cold for him to survive on his own, not to mention he may have ended up as someone's meal).
I am terrified that after going through this, as well as the other deaths I will someday have to face, that I will never want to open up my heart and home to another animal soul. I can't imagine what life would be like without furbabies in it, but with each death, I get weaker. The pain of missing him, seeing him, and touching him catches up with me the moment I open my eyes in the morning. I don't sleep the way I used to, or eat the way I used to, and all people can say is, " You have lost weight, I wish I could lose weight that easy." EASY? I would gain 100 pounds if it meant I could have my Cosmo back here with me. I have so much responsibility to my other babies, as well as the wildlife I care for in our yard, and it is all I can do to bear the "chore" of caring for them. It NEVER used to feel like a chore. It isn't helping that I also have other "everyday" problems, just like anyone else, and other everyday tasks I must complete.
I used to have severe depression, and I conquered it completely in October, 2002. I haven't needed medicine since August of 2002, and I found strength in the salvation of my Lord Jesus Christ, but that strength is dwindling and I feel the same old symptoms returning. I pray that it is just sadness, and not depression, but if you have ever been there, each familiar feeling can make you think that you are heading back into the abyss. That deep, dark hole that it took me 6 years to climb out of, is now around the corner again, and the terror of returning to it scares me. Since Cosmo died, I have wanted to die too. In the past I used to face every day with that feeling and had to find at least 1 reason everyday to stay on this earth, Cosmo was a BIG part of that reason, because he NEEDED me so much, and I could never trust ANYONE else to give him his medicine everyday, and watch him for signs of a seizure or urinary infection.
I have had days that weren't too bad since he passed on, but I put his finished grave marker out on his grave 2 days ago, and since then I truly know he is not coming back. Not here, not now. Oh, how I pray that I can join him as soon as possible, even though I will leave others behind that will grieve over the loss of me. I am being so selfish, and I need strength to move on and join my life again, but with every happiness I experience, I feel guilty. How can I smile when I put Cosmo where he is? Even if it means he is happier, healthier, and stronger. It still means he is not with me here.
I just needed to get this out of my heart to people in here who can relate to exactly what I feel, and I'm sorry for all of you who can, because that means you have loved and lost. It is just easier to say (type) these things to you all, instead of trying to explain it to a "close" friend, who just doesn't understand.
Thank You to all who have stayed long enough to read this long post, my thoughts and prayers are with each of you as well, for I know the grief you feel.
Peace and Love to each of you, (and hopefully to me today as well),
Michelle
the following links are to posts in Memorials etc. and in Cyber Shoulder, respectively, to share my pics.
http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.ph...t=ST&f=7&t=1825

http://lightning-strike.com/forum/index.ph...t=ST&f=9&t=1826

Hi Michelle, It sounds like you are going through the natural stages of grief, and you need to give yourself time. There are many theories about what the stages are, and how you should be acting, but from personal experience, I find them very unhelpful. Dr. Roberta Temes has 3 stages that she describes which are numbness, disorganization, and reorganization. Check out the site below. Her stages are the most realistic in my opinion.



http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%...term/stages.htm


I really don't think there is any way to categorize grief, even with a degree in medicine or psychology. We are human beings, not computers. All I can tell us is that I have been there and am still going through it with Sandy P. About 11 years ago, my mum and brother died within 6 months of each other. I felt the same way you do now--I wanted to be with them. I felt like they were in a peaceful loving place, and I was left here in a world I didn't want to be in anymore. With Sandy P, I feel a great big hole in my heart, even though I know she is now pain free and in a better place. I have no fear of death now. I can't go yet as I have my dad, husband, and other furries (and one feathered friend) to care for. I do believe there is something for us all after death, and it's better than this. Cosmo is very special to you and always will be. You never get over the loss of a loved one--you just learn to accept it and live with it. Don't force yourself to be "normal again" just to please others or your sadness will turn to depression (feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness). If you do start feeling that way, see a counselor right away. It sounds like you have already overcome depression in the past, so don't be afraid to ask for help again from a professional. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are. Don't try and get through this on your own. You can e-mail me privately if you want to. I'm an RN with some experience in this field, and grieving over a pet is no less painful than grieving for a human. It's a shame that society doesn't see it that way.

With love,

Christine

Michelle,

I've read your post multiple times and haven't been able to find the words to respond. I need to reply to you though because I can relate so much to how you feel. I'm not sure if I'll be able to offer much hope because I'm in a bad place myself right now but I can offer you a shoulder and an understanding heart.

I had my dog, Duke, put to sleep on June 1st due to an uncontrollable aggression problem. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make but I knew it had to be done. Although our situations were different, putting our pets to sleep was a necessary action. As much as I know I had to do it, I often feel that I did the wrong thing. That I shouldn't have had the power to choose to end his life. I feel guilty and I keep thinking that I brought this on myself because I am the one that made the decision. I think you may feel similarly. We need to fight those feelings though. Those judgements are unjustified.

I know exactly what you are feeling when you say, "I am being so selfish, and I need strength to move on and join my life again, but with every happiness I experience, I feel guilty. How can I smile when I put Cosmo where he is? Even if it means he is happier, healthier, and stronger. It still means he is not with me here". Getting through this is going to be difficult to say the least. Right now, I think both of us are stuck. We need to move on though. We can't live like this. Cosmo understands that you need to grieve but I know he would want you to try to be happy again. I know Duke feels the same way about me.

I have been battling depression for almost 7 years. Although I am on medication, I share the fears of going back to how I used to be. Since Duke passed, I sleep most of the time and I find it hard to find joy or hope in anything. Today I am going to try to break that cycle though. I am going to take small steps towards getting past this. I encourage you to try to do the same. One thing that seems trivial but that has helped me in the past is making a list of things to accomplish each day... and doing my best to complete the list. Today, my list will include small things such as take a walk, apply for at least one job, and put my laundry away. Eventually, I will move on to bigger things but for now, I need to slowly get back into my life. We owe it to ourselves, our friends and families, and our pet's memory to do that. And we CAN do it although it will be hard.

Our pets' lives are precious. We can easily see that. But our lives are precious as well. Although our pets have passed from this world, we are still here. We have to learn to live again. There are many reasons for us to live, to face the day. When we start to feel better (and we will), it will be easier for us to see those reasons. For now, take things one step at a time. Try to find comfort in your other furbabies... Play with them, do things that you used to enjoy even if you can't enjoy them right now. Eventually, you will begin to heal.

Someday, the tears will start to subside and we'll be able to remember our babies and smile. They will always be with us in our hearts.

Sincerely,
Tracy

Michelle,

We all have our own timetable for grief. It will get better, though it may not feel like it now.

Michelle, I lost my baby on May 2, 2005. I'm not anywhere near to being 'over' IT, but I am somewhat better on some days. My Bailey was also on numerous medicines and I wouldn't trust anyone to give them to her but me. So, she needed me and I needed her. Now the void in our lives is so HUGE that it'll take forever to fill it. If we ever can. You're not alone with your "out of control feelings'. We're all either there right now or we've been there. And I did read every bit of your letter. Lisa

Hi, Michelle-

I know from my own experience with Shiloh's and now Hobbie's passing that many of my friends expected me to grieve over them for a few weeks and then get back to normal. Since there are a lot of people feel that way, I, too, started to distance myself from others because I thought they'd not be sympathetic, but then I decided to allow myself a year to grieve for Shiloh (and now Hobbie) and I made that perfectly clear to my friends. Now that my friends know exactly where I stand as far as grieving for my lost furbabies, if they don't have something supportive to say, they don't say anything. And now that I don't have to worry about people saying insensitive things, I've found my self not putting up those protective walls.

Cosmo was very important to you, try not to feel guilty about grieving for the loss of your dear friend. Allow yourself all the room and time you need to properly grieve for him. Let your friends and family know that you're doing that, and let them know that saying insensitive things to you is unacceptable.

I hope this helps.
Hugs,
Kathleen