Hi
I just found a little siamese kitten last sunday. she was very skinny and had an eye infection. she was the only baby. i took her to the vet and she only weighed 3/4 pound. They did the feline lukemia/aids test on her and they were neg. her stool looked fine. was feeding her well, she was tearing into dry kitten food as well as wet food. drinking tons of water. vet said she was prob about 5 weeks old. she was just fine yesterday, my mom watched her for me while i was out. i got home about 11 and she was very sleepy so she laid with my mom. when me and my bf went to be around 1 am, we put her in bed with us as usual. around 3:30, i woke up cause she lost her bowels on me a lil. i put her in her litter box and she just kind fell over in it. we took her to the e/r vet and they ran another kind of lukemia test on her, was neg. her blood sugar was low and her temp was 3 degrees below normal. they gave her sugar and we waited for 2 hrs. at the e/r vet she only weighed 7 ounces. i couldnt bear to look at her like this and i kept going back in forth, back and forth on what to do. i just a feeling in my heart that she wasnt gonna make it. they said she could stay there and they wld give her drugs and stuff, but they werent optimistic. it would have been $1300. im broke, dont have the money. i had to let my little girl go. my heart is broken. i have only had her for a week, but i fell in love with her, we all did. the other animals were finally getting used to her. now shes gone, and i killed her. i killed this precious little baby who needed me to take care of her. i wanted so much to see her grow and get big and healthy. i hate myself so much. did i give up on her too easy?? my little Cades. before they took her, she looked at me with her blue eyes as if to say please dont. i miss her so much already, she loved to cuddle up on your shoulder and nuzzle your neck. please....im so upset i had to take a painkiller. they couldnt even tell me what was wrong with her. i hope she forgives me and knows how much i loved her, it was killing me to see her. she was so small and helpless. im sorry, i had to get this out. thank you.

I am so sorry for your loss of little Cades.

There could have been any number of things wrong with her. Who knows if even she were actually 5 weeks -- she could've been more than that, but been stunted with malnutrition and such before you found her. the drinking tons of water is not usually a very good sign in a cat.

And I KNOW, believe me, I KNOW, that you feel like you killed her. But it sounds like to me that what you did is save her from a lot of agony. You were a good mom for taking her in and taking care of her.... perhaps that is why she found you. Perhaps she chose you because she knew she didn't have long, and she knew that you were the right one, who would do all the right things in her short time here.

--Jennifer

You didn't kill her. You helped her, and alleviated a lot of her agony. You say that the vets weren't optimistic, and I agree that drinking a lot of water usually means there is something wrong. You gave her love and she had a good life with you, even if it was too short. Please don't beat up on yourself. She was ill before you offered her warmth, love and food. YOU DID NOT KILL HER!

I just wanted to say thank you. Im pretty sure I did the right thing. Its just so hard because I keep seeing her little face and seeing her tiny little self walking around the house. I can hear her little meow. I can smell her still. I couldnt sleep on my side of the bed last night because its where she slept with me. I need to put away the rest of her things. This is so unbeleivably (sp?) hard. I miss that little girl so much. I cant believe she lost weight in 4 days cause she was eating good. I still feel like I didnt do enough to save her. How did it hit her so quickly, so hard? She was being such a big girl, she was trying so hard. I wish she was here right now, sitting in my lap. I have a big siamese cat outside that I imigaine is what she would have looked like when she got big. Her name was actually Caden, which means fighter. Thats why I named her that. Please pray for my little girl, pray that she forgives me and that I did the right thing. I miss her sooooo much. Thank you for letting me get this out.

Sasha

Not only did you NOT kill her, but you gave her short life meaning that was filled with love. Sometimes it's better just to let them go and die with dignity than to put them through painful procedures in a strange place. I'm so sorry for your loss but happy that the little Kitty found a guardian angel to help her in her last days.

As for the guilt, we all feel that way. I watched My Sandy P's disk and arthritis problems slowly get worse and worse to the point that she couldn't walk at all any more. For the last two days, I would carry her outside, and she would fall down and was not able to get up. Her appetite had also decreased over the past two months, and I could tell she just wasn't feeling good anymore. It was a painful decision for us to make to have her put to sleep. It will be three weeks tomorrow, and I've been torturing myself thinking maybe she just had a urinary tract infection that could have been cured with some pills. She was almost 16 years old, and I could feel her bones grinding when I picked her up. Why do we do this to ourselves?

We provide these furries with so much love, make sacrifices for them, make the horrible decision to not let them suffer anymore, become blubbering zombies for weeks, then we beat ourselves up about it and think we're horrible murderers. I suppose all animals feel guilt, including humans (you've seen the look on a furry's face when you come home and there's a wet spot on the carpet), but we humans have it down to a fine art.

The best we can do is come here and share with others. I've visited this site almost every day since June 14 and it has kept me sane. Thanks everyone who takes the time to help a stranger in need.

Love,

Christine

My Dear Sasha ~ You did NOT kill your little Caden ~ you gave her a world filled with love ~ that last look she gave you was not "Please Don't" it was "Thank You for Caring and Loving and Trying So Hard for Me I Love You Forever" Please know that God sends these angels to earth in the form of our animal babies to help us along our way and they are scooped up in the arms of God before they ever feel any fear and are filled with the unconditional love and peace of the infinite ~ You are a wonderful person to love and care for living beings so dearly ~ it is such a gift ~ hold on to that and your little Caden will be smiling from heaven looking down upon you in a golden glow from her heart to yours ~ Bless Your Heart ~ Peace Be With You ~ Your Friend In Hope for All Animals ~ Kathryn

I just wanted to say, again, thank you all so very much for your words. Im so happy that you guys are here to comfort those of us in this horrible time of need. I was reading some other posts and I wanted so much to be able to post something for the others who are in the same pain I am in right now, but I couldnt find the words. Caden was only with me for a very short week, but it doesnt matter how long they are with you, they touch your life so much. Sitting here at this computer, I can remember just on Friday,she was sitting here playing with my fingers as I typed and playing with the mouse. She was frisky to be so small. A whole 7 ounces of beautiful, precoius fur. Geez I miss my baby so much. That precious littl face. Her eyes looked like they had seen so much, but she was such a small tiny little thing. He short life was filled with more pain and struggle than a lot of people's lives are. Im so glad that I found her, but man, I sure wish she was still here with me, so I could watch over her. I always wanted to be a vet, but I could never do it. I cant stand to see them in pain. Everyone always said that I'd be helping them, but it hurts so much to see these little helpless animals in pain. I panic. My heart is still aching so much. I bonded with this beautiful creature. I knew she loved me too, I saw it everythime I looked at her. She was my little fighter, Caden.
Darling, I love you so much. I put some rocks on top of your grave today, rocks that I know you would have loved to climb up. I finally put away your little wicker basket, Cades. Not because I forgot about you, but because eveytime I looked at it I could see you snuggled up sleeping, and it hurts so much cause Mommy misses you so much right now. Shadow and Lexie keep looking for you, to lick you so much you fall over. Gage lays over on your spot by the bed. Paige waits on the kitchen table for you, to growl and hiss at you. You know Paige loved you, Cades. She was finally starting to warm up to you. She was used to being the baby, is all. She was just a little jelous of you. Miss Cades, I dont know what to say except that we all love you and my heart will always be with you. Please remember me, Cades. I have to call your regular vet tomorrow and let them know your gone. Darling girl, I cant say goodbye. I want to hear you meow one more time. I want to hold your paw again while your sleeping.I want to see you fight to get out of your pet taxi, to attack it like you always did. You hated that thing. You wanted to sit in my lap while we were diving, and always ended up letting you, cause I wanted you to finally have some happines. I want you to just be here with us again. Justin and your Grandma miss you too baby girl. See what you did to us beautiful girl!!!! You turned us in to a bunch of mushballs!! You were a little heartbreaker, anyway. Ill see you tonight girlie, in jmy dreams. Mommy will be waiting to hold you and give you kisses. Goodnight darling Caden, Ill see you soon. All my love baby.

You are such a wonderful loving, Mommy. Thank you for the beautiful tribute to Caden. I know she is looking over you now. And some day you will have a happy reuniting at the bridge.

I am sorry for the loss of your precious Caden. What a wonderful, love filled week you gave her...and a peaceful end to a life too brief. I am sure she felt your intense love for her every miute of her short life. She sounds like a little angel. I am so sorry for your loss...

Caroline

To everybody who has responded to my post and to to those who have taken the time to read it:

Thank you so much. I cant say how I feel about you all right now. You all have no idea how much you have helped me. You have been so much better to me than most people I know in person. The girls I work with, well, I have been having issues with them for a while. There are 3 others besides me, and 2 of them are sisters. I guess they dont like me all that much anymore. They hardly speak to me, only when they have to. So today, on my first day back to work after the long weekend, as well as the first day back to work after Caden's passing, it was the last place I wanted to be. It just seemed like the day would never end. Not one of them even mentioned my baby. They know about her because I had to take her in to work with me last Tuesday when I didnt have anyone to watch her. Well, I didnt even feel comfortable enough with them to tell themstraight out what happened to Cades. But I know they know, because this morning, I had to call her vet to inform them of her passing. I know the girls heard me. I also told our boss, which they heard that as well too. Not one of them even said they were sorry or anything. This just made the day even worse. Why are people so heartless and cruel? Just because they dont like me, they cant even feel any emotion for my tiny girl. What a world of people we have. *Sigh*. Thats why I have to say that I have found a new group of friends in you all. You guys are the gems of the world, all of you angels in your own right.
Thank you for caring about me and my little Caden. We appreciate it more than you will ever know.
Love and Thanks,
Sasha

I am late to this thread, but just want to say that I hope you have found some peace with the very loving and caring decision you made. You said that you 'knew she wasn't going to make it' - and I think that your instinct as a 'mum' really kicked in and guided you in your decision. Losing Serge last week has really taught me that instincts are fundemental and strong and really MUST be listened to...and you listened to yours, and did the right thing. Of that I have NO doubt. And also, Cades life may have been short, but it was filled with love...including the ultimate act of love that we can show our beloved pets.
I hope you are feeling a little better now.
Take care, sweetie -
Amanda ***