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Lightning-Strike Pet Loss Support Forum > Pet Loss Support > Death and Dying Pet Support
jenn
I know that many of you struggled with the first few months after you lost your pets... I've never been one to struggle.. I force myself to move on with life right away, pretend I am alright, and eventually, I am. I'm having difficulty doing that now. I don't want to see anyone, go anywhere, or even talk to anyone. I don't answer the phone... I make up excuses for going out... I go to work and come home... because I can't handle much else. It's been a month, shouldn't that start to pass? I am not good with emotion. I can't show it around my family. My friends don't understand and think I should be past it.. even one who JUST put 2 of her dogs to sleep a few months ago.. People are looking at me to be there for them and I just can't do it right now... and I feel guilty about that... I just wish it would pass and I could move on with life.. not that there will ever be a day when he isn't in my thoughts constantly. I guess I am just looking for the days when it's not so mind-numbingly difficult. Does anyone have any advice on how to get to those days?? I thought I had it all figured out but it's not working for me anymore. Friends are getting angry at me that I never answer the phone or return their calls... I'm messing up friendships not to mention just feeling lousy all the time. Really not sure what to do anymore.
Kim R.
Jenn,
Lord knows I can't offer any advice on how to "speed up" the grieving process, if I could, I would apply it to myself wink.gif . What I can offer, though, is my support and understanding. Since your first post I have seen myself in your story, and I much as I hate the fact that we share so much in common, I am comforted that I am not "crazy" for still crying nearly everday. Sometimes the tears are brought on by a happy memory that just makes me feel all sappy about her, and other times, they are tears of pure sadness that I know she is gone forever....and sometimes, just by typing these d@#* posts, like right now sad.gif ! I never foresee the day that I won't think of her, but maybe the tears will become less frequent, and my heart less full of pain. Coming from someone who had thoughts of suicide after losing Sasha, and thinking that there was no way I could ever manage a day without her, I can say that it does get better, and you will learn to cope. It will all happen in your own time, when you are ready. Don't set time limits on yourself. Allow yourself to grieve for as long as necessary, and continue to come here, because positive support is such a huge factor in the healing process.
Love,
Kim
Patti
Jenn,

Perhaps the people who are giving you a hard time (urging you to snap out of it or generally laying a guilt trip on you for not being able to abide by their timetable, etc.) are the ones who aren't your true friends?

You haven't done anything wrong. You've suffered a tremendous loss and you need space and time to absorb it, integrate it and accept it. Only then will you be able to move forward and be, NOT the person you used to be, but a better person for having experienced the depths of sorrow only to bounce back again.

You need to move at your own speed in your own time. Embrace your grief now and don't try to rush the process because others are pressuring you. Unacknowledged grief has a funny way of rising to the surface because things need to be cleansed and born anew.

There is light at the end of the tunnel even if it's only coming through a pinhole, right?

Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself with loving kindness if others are unable or unwilling to give it to you. You deserve the very best and sometimes the very best comes with birthing pains. Just ask any mother.

I'm thinking of you.
Saki & Freyja's Mom
Jenn:

Patti and Kim are right.

As far as i can tell, you HAVE to go through the grieving process. Bucking up is just NOT going to cut it. Patti says "embrace" the grief -- that's amuch better word than "wallow" in it, but either way, it would problaby be best if you dealt with it head on, instead of trying to ignore it. From your post, it seems that the repression is not working well, it's just exhausting you.

I think by not confronting it head on, you are probably actually dragging out the process rather than speding it up.

And you might try to be frank with your friends about needing some time and support right now. It sounds like you are often "the strong one" in your friendships, byt your friends might actually appreciate the chance to comfort you.... But they cannot do that if they do not know what is going on.

Do be very gentle with yourself.

--Jennifer
jenn
Thank you for your responses. I suppose deep down I knew that there was no easy way to get through it.. there is no shut off button, no magic words.. or we'd all have used them by now. I know that I can't be strong and act like it's all ok, because it's just not.. however at a young age, that's what I was taught to do. Anytime I'd show emotion I was being an overdramatic girl with no real basis for my tears. So as I got older I learned to hide them. I know that this is what's hindering me now. I want to be strong for everyone else, and I hate it when I can't be. People do come to me more than anyone else, and that's always been ok with me... however it does get tiring when no one is here for me when I need them. It feels very one sided. I guess in all honestly I really don't know how to grieve... I lost my best friend in grade 10 to suicide and I gave myself a good month or so to be sad and then after that just hid it. It would come rushing back a lot, especially on anniversaries, still does really... I don't want Freeway to be like that... I don't always want to be sad when I remember him.. He gave me so much happiness... so much laughter... I want to remember him for what he was... my light.
I'm sorry, I'm rambling.. not really even sure what I'm trying to say.
mosmommy
Hi Jenn
I feel exactly the same way as you do, and you know from my PM's to you that I encourage you not to hide your grief. I, too, have always been the one that people come to with their problems, and my friends have admitted that they don't know how to handle my grief, so instead of coming to me with their problems, they are just rolling along with their lives and it seems they have forgotten all about me and my pain. I hardly hear from them anymore, and I feel abandoned. It makes me angry because I have always given up so much of my time to them for their problems, no matter how big or small I thought they were. I do not have any human children, as my friends and family do, but that does not EVER stop me from taking the time to listen to them. Even if I personally cannot relate to what they are going through, except for the fact that I WAS a child once myself. I have always just been the stronger one to my friends because of all that I have conquered in my life, but my weakness has returned, and they don't know how to see me this way.
For me, it has been 2 days shy of 6 weeks without my Cosmo, and I'm having a bad day of sadness and grief, that is why I'm here and how I came across your post. I wish that I could say something, ANYTHING, to help you, but I just don't know what that would be. I would like to encourage you to find a place to go where you feel like you CAN cry. I know you can always come here, and that is great because you are reaching out for help, but you need a nice, quiet, and peaceful place where you can talk out loud to Freeway or God (if you have been saved), and just CRY, CRY, CRY.( Even if that means turning on the shower in the bathroom, and just sitting there to talk, cry, and grieve. I hate the tears sometimes, but once they come out I usually feel a little less intense in my grief. I know you are very busy with work, but YOU NEED THIS KIND OF TIME! Especially if your family is waiting for you to "move on". You need privacy. I also think that as much as you would like to help the others in your life, you cannot until you begin to help yourself, and start on the path to healing. I have had some "good" days when it feels like I can handle this pain and heal, but when I'm not looking, it comes to the surface again and I lose it and cry. My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 years, and he is one of the most supportive and gentle people I know, in fact, he is my best friend, but when he sees me cry he will sometimes ask "What's wrong?" (as if he doesn't know), and my response is, " Are you kidding me? Do you REALLY have to ask?" The truth is, YOU are the ONLY one that feels as strong as you do about your loss of Freeway, and NOONE else will ever completely "get it". Just like I was closer to Cosmo than Aaron was ( he is a LITTLE BIT closer to our dogs), and I KNOW he misses him, but it just isn't the same way I feel. I know someday, we will lose our other 18 furbabies who share our home, and when he loses his "best friends", our dogs, unfortunately he will have first hand understanding of how intense I feel right now. ( Of course, I will be just as heartbroken, but he will have a more lingering feeling of grief, as I do with the loss of my Cosmo.
PLEASE do what I suggested Jenn, and find yourself the time and the place where you can begin to deal with your pain. I worry about you trying to hide it, because it takes so much more energy than it does to let it out, ( I've told you that in my PM's). Please PM me if you need to. I will be praying for you and sending loving thoughts and peace your way.
Love,
Michelle
http://www.enformy.com/$cristoc.html This is a good outline of grief and the process of going through it, I hope it will help.
jenn
Michelle,
We sound a lot alike in many ways. I wish that people would realize that I am just human too and sometimes need someone instead of being the one who is needed. I have put so much aside for people, I would drop anything for a friend who needed me... And now I sit at this one important moment in my life where I feel the need to reach out to those who claim to care about me.. and no one's here. The people I was so sure would be, still aren't. They were for the few months that I knew Freeway was dying... and now that he's gone, so are they. I can't help but be hurt and angry.
I do try to allow myself time to cry.. I'll often shut my door and turn on some music and let it out... however not as much as I should. I agree that I can't be there for people and I may just have to tell them so. I have a friend who's in a tough living situation and while I know it's hard for her and her family, I can't help but constantly think that I would trade her in a heart beat. She can move, I cannot bring Freeway back, ever. Why is it so hard to understand that it still hurts so much?
I just feel numb lately... Nearly anything brings me to tears... A song.. My grandma's dog upstairs walking on the floor.. the nails all sound the same... and I always think it's Freeway... having him here has taught me that I am NOT ready for another pet. I would never be able to handle it. It's NOT Freeway, so it would never be good enough.
I'll send a PM soon... I've been trying not to because I don't want to burden you with my pain when you have your own that is just as raw. Again, I'm probably just too centered on helping everyone else and forgetting about myself... But I figure that at least here people can pick and choose whether or not to read and/or respond. I just never want to dump more on you than you can handle. You're a good person with a big heart and I don't want to take advantage of that. You, and everyone else here, do make me feel a little less alone tho... I've always said I hate how we are connected by our pain... but at least we have a group of people who truly get it...
Love and prayers,
Jenn
jenn
I was at work last night, and took a break with 2 other girls outside... I work at the newspaper in town, and so there were drivers there picking up papers... Two of them had brought their dogs last night. One was black, and rather big, but looked a lot like my Freeway.. one was white.. small... but sounded EXACTLY like Freeway... the bark.. the yip as he tried so hard to get over to us to say hello and was scolded... everything.. I felt like my heart was being ripped in 2. I heard the bark and turned around honestly expecting to see Freeway. I really wanted to go to that other dog and hold him, because he had some connection with my boy.. they have the same voice. God how I miss him... 5 weeks feels like an eternity... it would have been his 11th birthday on Friday... I can't believe he won't be here... I used to spoil him so on his birthday... I would do anything to have him here.
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