Hi Jenn
I feel exactly the same way as you do, and you know from my PM's to you that I encourage you not to hide your grief. I, too, have always been the one that people come to with their problems, and my friends have admitted that they don't know how to handle my grief, so instead of coming to me with their problems, they are just rolling along with their lives and it seems they have forgotten all about me and my pain. I hardly hear from them anymore, and I feel abandoned. It makes me angry because I have always given up so much of my time to them for their problems, no matter how big or small I thought they were. I do not have any human children, as my friends and family do, but that does not EVER stop me from taking the time to listen to them. Even if I personally cannot relate to what they are going through, except for the fact that I WAS a child once myself. I have always just been the stronger one to my friends because of all that I have conquered in my life, but my weakness has returned, and they don't know how to see me this way.
For me, it has been 2 days shy of 6 weeks without my Cosmo, and I'm having a bad day of sadness and grief, that is why I'm here and how I came across your post. I wish that I could say something, ANYTHING, to help you, but I just don't know what that would be. I would like to encourage you to find a place to go where you feel like you CAN cry. I know you can always come here, and that is great because you are reaching out for help, but you need a nice, quiet, and peaceful place where you can talk out loud to Freeway or God (if you have been saved), and just CRY, CRY, CRY.( Even if that means turning on the shower in the bathroom, and just sitting there to talk, cry, and grieve. I hate the tears sometimes, but once they come out I usually feel a little less intense in my grief. I know you are very busy with work, but YOU NEED THIS KIND OF TIME! Especially if your family is waiting for you to "move on". You need privacy. I also think that as much as you would like to help the others in your life, you cannot until you begin to help yourself, and start on the path to healing. I have had some "good" days when it feels like I can handle this pain and heal, but when I'm not looking, it comes to the surface again and I lose it and cry. My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 years, and he is one of the most supportive and gentle people I know, in fact, he is my best friend, but when he sees me cry he will sometimes ask "What's wrong?" (as if he doesn't know), and my response is, " Are you kidding me? Do you REALLY have to ask?" The truth is, YOU are the ONLY one that feels as strong as you do about your loss of Freeway, and NOONE else will ever completely "get it". Just like I was closer to Cosmo than Aaron was ( he is a LITTLE BIT closer to our dogs), and I KNOW he misses him, but it just isn't the same way I feel. I know someday, we will lose our other 18 furbabies who share our home, and when he loses his "best friends", our dogs, unfortunately he will have first hand understanding of how intense I feel right now. ( Of course, I will be just as heartbroken, but he will have a more lingering feeling of grief, as I do with the loss of my Cosmo.
PLEASE do what I suggested Jenn, and find yourself the time and the place where you can begin to deal with your pain. I worry about you trying to hide it, because it takes so much more energy than it does to let it out, ( I've told you that in my PM's). Please PM me if you need to. I will be praying for you and sending loving thoughts and peace your way.
Love,
Michelle
http://www.enformy.com/$cristoc.html This is a good outline of grief and the process of going through it, I hope it will help.