I was doing reasonably well for a bit but the last few days, the guilt has been destroying me. It was four weeks ago yesterday that I went through with the decision to get Duke put to sleep. Four weeks since I held my boy in my arms. And now, I'm regretting my decision more than ever. I want him back.

I should have found another way to protect the people around him. I don't know what that way is but I should have found it. But after two and a half years of trying to get him to stop biting, and seeing him go after two toddlers in one week completely unprovoked, I couldn't see another option. I made the decision when he went after my one-year-old cousin. I knew that if he had hurt her, I would never have been able to forgive myself. But now, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for sentencing my dog to death.

In my mind, I know that I exhausted all of the options for treating his aggression. I saw vets, went to obedience classes, contacted trainers, read everything I could get my hands on regarding aggression, tried multiple training methods, put him on medication. The professionals I talked with felt that he would never be fully rid of his aggression problem. Some felt that it would only get worse (and it did). Through it all, I kept hope. It made me angry that everyone had pretty much given up on Duke. I love him so much. I was sure we would get through it. And yet, I'm sitting here without him and his ashes are in my room. I feel like I failed him.

I feel so guilty for having felt inconvenienced at times by the things I had to do for Duke. I regret every time I didn't get up right away in the morning when he wanted to go for a walk. I feel horrible that I sometimes wondered what it would be like to not have to worry about him biting someone whenever I wasn't home. I feel terrible that I wondered how I'd ever be able to leave the city while he was alive since I couldn't trust him enough to leave him in a kennel or with someone other than my parents. (He couldn't come with me because he hated cars and got horrible motion sickness). I'd give up a lifetime of vacations and late mornings just to have him back. Although those things had nothing to do with my decision to get him euthanized, they still haunt me. He was worth all the "inconveniences".

People say to me, "Tracy, you couldn't live like that". I don't know how I can live without him though. He was my world.

I have so many scars from Duke, on my hands, arms, and face. The worst scar is in my heart though and I don't know if it will ever fade. The fact that I'm the one that made the decision destroys me.

I'm sorry if I've repeated things in this from my previous posts. Please know that the replies have helped me a lot. I'm still struggling though but I'm trying.

Tracy

Tracy, Try and see it from's Duke's perspective. Having had severe depression in my life, I know what it's like to lose control of your mind. I think Duke felt that way. There was obviously something in his mind that made him aggressive, and he was probably miserable with it. Just because there were no physical signs doesn't mean he wasn't a very sick boy. You did everything you could for him. We all question ourselves about having our beloved animals put to sleep, no matter what the cir%%stances. I could't go anywhere when Sandy P was still with me because of her bad arthritis. I knew that after she was gone, I would be able to take trips again. Now she's gone, and I feel awful about even thinking about that. I don't want to take trips, I just want her back even if it means carrying her around for the rest of my life. You did what you had to for Duke. You went above and beyond what most would do. He would have ended up being impounded and put to sleep without you, so this was the kindest way for him. I can't tell you to go easy on yourself because I'm feeling guilty too. It will get easier--it has too. I'll be thinking of you today.

Love,

Christine

tracy,

Christine is right. Duke was a very unhappy dog. And he's not anymore. I know he is grateful to you. It's only partly about protecting the people. Doing it for that was a good thing. But it was also the only thing you could really do to help and protect Duke.

The little inconceniences... sweetie-- you did so much for him. All the trainers, vets, pills, reading. And you did take him for walks and you gave him all the love....

I think you are just going to have to FEEL guilty for awhile, even though you are innocent. It is something we all go through. But just keep posting about it. Read others' posts where you can see that they are not guilty, but feel so none-the-less....

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

Dear Tracy,
It's true, we do all blame ourselves. It feels like playing God when we let someone kill our babies. However, sometimes it's a necessary evil, as I think it was with Duke. For as much as it hurts (and believe me, I know it does!) imagine the hurt you'd feel if Duke got hold of your 1 yr old cousin and killed him/her or disfigured them forever. Just like in some humans, sometimes things in the brain just snap and nothing will seem to help. For humans we have homes and strong meds to keep them subdued but we can't do the same for our furry friends. They wouldn't want that anyways, no one would. Where he is now he's no longer sick or agressive. Whatever in his mind went so crazy has now been healed and when you meet him again he'll be a new dog... and he'll be oh so happy!!! In all manners. I can't imagine ever having made the decision you had to make.. it was hard enough to do so with Freeway while he was suffering and sick.. But Duke was suffering and sick too.. just in the mind instead of the body. You made the right decision.. you did all you could for him here on earth.. More than most would have. Never doubt that.
Take care... keep posting, never feel bad about repeating yourself, I do it constantly... It's theraputic.
My prayers are with you.

I can't think of anything to say other than what Christine has so truthfully said. She is so right. We all feel guilt no matter the cir%%stances. I am thinking of you. I hope that soon you can have peace knowing that you did the right thing.

God bless,
Jenny

Christine's comments are excellent, as are the others. The guilt is such a messy emotion - at least grief feels clean, painful but clean. but guilt is like a greasy clog in the sink.

Oswald had diabetes. He cost me a lot of money, and it was hard to take any kind of vacation. I had to either board him at the vet or get the pet sitting service where they would come in twice a day, feed him, wait the half hour and then give him a shot. I wasn't free to stay out late after work because of the disease, and if someone was going to my old home town for the weekend, I couldn't just take off to go and visit my mother. And, yes, there were times that I longed for the good old days before he got his diabetes. There were times when that thought about "wouldn't it be nice to not have to worry about this" would sneak in.

That is where a lot of the guilt resides. I was human, and could be selfish. But there was a huge amount of unselfishness, also, with the trips to the vet, pricking the ear to monitor, and holding my big boy while he got his shot. You did the same thing for your beloved Duke. You went to trainers, vets and obedience classes. You loved little Duke. Your generosity was boundless!

You gave Duke a good life. You loved him. He knew that.

I am thinking of you,

Dee Dee

Thank you all for your replies. It's nice to be able to have a place to let my feelings out. When I see them in print, it's easier to know they are irrational. My brain knows that; it's my heart that refuses to believe it. Reading your posts helps my heart to see things in a different light.

Although I do not know the people on this site, I am better able to believe them than the people who know me when they try to comfort me. I try to remember that the vet said I was making the right decision for Duke but my heart screams, "it's his job to tell you that". The same idea applies to my friends' and family's responses. I'm pretty sure they mean what they say but I can't seem to fully accept that.

I can really relate to what you said about depression, Christine. I have suffered from severe depression and anxiety. Most of the time, my depression is pretty well-managed through medication and sometimes therapy. During the times that it was out of control, however, I thought (very rationally) that if I had to live like that forever, I'd rather be dead. I knew that there were things that would help me and that I would I feel better again and that knowledge kept me going. I thought about that when I was making "the decision" and it helped me. I hadn't thought about it much since, however. Thank you for reminding me of that, and thank you for being open about it.

I know a lot of people feel that dogs don't experience feelings like humans do. I don't completely believe that though. I used to force myself not to immediately comfort Duke when he bit me so that I didn't reinforce his aggression. (The last thing I wanted to do was reward him for it). But the look in his eyes when he came back to his more-relaxed state was one of guilt. He'd often walk over and look up at me as I sat crying over a bite. (The mental pain was worse than the physical no matter how bad the bite). I forgave Duke for every bite because I knew it wasn't his fault. If he could have controlled it, I know he wouldn't have bitten me. Duke loved me. I honestly think it hurt him every time he bit someone.

I'm going to try to focus on that. I do believe that Duke was happy when he was not going through an aggressive phase. He smiled and bounced and wiggled a lot But during his dreaded aggressive times, he was a different dog...and those times started to outnumber his happy times after he hit social maturity. How could he be happy when he was constantly on guard and irritable? There were times near the end when I couldn't even convince him to play. Before that, he was always ready to play whether I was or not . There were plenty of times that I got out of bed and played with him for a bit because he was in a play mood and wouldn't stop barking until I gave in.

I miss him. I love him. I always will. Maybe someday, time will let me be at peace. Thank you all for your support. It means so much to me.

Tracy
Missing my baby, Duke (September 16, 2002 - June 1, 2005)

Tracey,
I don't think there is any question as to what a hard#@* I can be on people for not doing right by their babies. Not that my opinion will mean anything to you, but I completely feel like you did the right thing. Although I feel the same guilt that most do when faced with euthanasia, you carry such a greater load. Those of us who had babies that were old, and visibly suffering on the outside, had the ability to see that we couldn't help them, and had no choice. I can't imagine the way it must feel to make such a decision, but it is one you made out of pure love for your Duke. You truly did all you could, sometimes we just can't fix them. I know your Duke was young, and for that you feel as though you let him go before his time, but it was his time. Duke was sick, his brain wasn't wired like it should have been, and he was obviously unhappy, or he wouldn't have been such a grouchy little boy ! Duke was sent to you for a reason, and I know that he is now as happy as he could ever want to be. His brain is no longer sick, and he now knows the joy he couldn't let himself feel before. When it is your time, you will one day join him, and it will all make so much more sense. Our sadness is for ourselves, because we miss their physical touch, but for them we should rejoice, for their happiness is what has always been important to us, and they feel a happiness we could never imagine. OK, now I have made myself cry, so I will leave it at that. I'm praying that you can feel peace that you truly did Duke the greatest justice in letting him have the joy and happiness he so deserved.
Love,
Kim

Kim,

I feel the need to respond to you directly. I want you to know that your opinion does mean a lot to me. I think one of the (many) reasons for that is because you ARE a "hard#@*" about "people for not doing right by their babies". Please don't take that the wrong way; I respect you for it. (And I obviously wouldn't have worded it that way if you hadn't ).

(I was going to write something else here that was slightly off topic but I feel it's probably innappropriate to write in this post. I will email or private mesage it to you instead.)

Tracy