I got Herbie's purple monkey man today.It still smells like him, and I can see where he drug it through the dirt in the backyard. It has been nearly 3 days since Herbie went to the Bridge, I believe it was around 8:30 am, I say this for two reasons... Out of the blue at 8:30 Am on monday, I randomly burst into tears, about Herbie, and the fact that my grandmother left at 8:00 to take him up there, and she probably had to wait plus they had to sedate him twice before they Euthanized him.
I knew from day one that when I got his toy I would cry, This was the last toy he played with before passing.It layed in his bed with him, the night he was in terrible pain, It was the only thing I wanted aside from his blanket. I heard a dog whimpering on TV today, and it scared me... because it sounded just as Herbie did when he was in pain just after breaking his leg, the one with the cancer, that was un reparable.I have been thinking of him all day, next week will be so hard for me...mondays will be harder than usual, and I will no longer look forward to June when I am free from school.Even my Sister's b-day will most likely be a hard day for me, one month with him gone. I am still waiting for a visit from him to let me know everything was okay, and he was okay and happy.I am so tired of crying all the time, it really does make you exaughsted...Visiting New Ark where he is burried will be hard too. I just want him back,even though I know it is selfish, I am still angry he had to go. I am angry that they let him in the front yard knowing he could hurt himself going down the porch step, I knew it would have been inevitable anyhow... he would eventually have been put to sleep anyways, and I would have found a new person to direct my anger at. I just wish the end wasn't so quick... I mean we were told he had cancer 2 days before he hurt himself, although the vet said he probably had it for months...and that bone cancer is usually undetectable unless tested for...and Who tests thier dogs for somthing they probably don't have.
I partly blame myself, I should have taken him out through the garage with me, but no... I jsut smiled and walked past him. I feel awful for that. So selfish and angry too. Why did god have to take such a sweet dog, and then my other dog is old too, and I have had her since I was 3... sometimes Life is just so unfair. I was blessed with a gift of love for animals, aparently that gift is a curse as well.
This is the way I vent...
--------------------------------------------
I've been so selfish
my dear old friend
Wishing You had held on,
and you did til the end
I was so selfish
to want you to stay
My dear friend
I feel that I betrayed
The love you gave me
Till the end
One more day
and my heart shall mend
I wish it was so
Will this pain ever end
I want to be happy
as you would want me to be
but it is just too hard
when you I can't see
I miss my angel
My best friend
I miss you more
than the rainbows in the sky
With this my friend
I would say goodbye
but why say that when in heaven
you wait, just outside
the golden gates,
instead I shall say
so long my friend
Until we meet again
Have fun at the bridge....