My intentions were to leave Rest in peace in peace but if I don’t talk on here I end up talking to myself and we don’t want the men in white coats coming and taking me away do we?
Well my darlings I have made it through today, although there is still 2 1/2 hours to go.
Yesterday was hard a client took us out for a meal and I could feel the tears welling up and in spite of my efforts a few escaped. But in all it was a nice evening.
Since your 6/3rd anniversary I’ve been trying to be positive and in all I think I’ve done pretty well.
I really was expecting today to be so hard but Fri and Sat were worse, I guess a bit like not looking forward to going to the dentist and after it wasn’t as bad as you expected, I guess that means I’m on the mend though I do still miss you terribly and think of you 100s of times during the day.
Ian and I went to the Barge today and reminisced about some of the antics you got up to during your short lives, we were laughing and not crying which was lovely.
I actually feel at peace, at the moment anyway, and think I’m ready to start doing some sort of exercising, still well see in the morning I always feel so tired and can only just be bothered to get ready for work.
Its funny I've just realised I've felt like this all-day, kind of peaceful and happy to sit back and watch the world go by, it’s a nice feeling.
Love you both and looking forward to the day we can see each other again, but until then I guess life does go on.
Love and kisses
Sue ************************xx

I sit here tonight listening to Ian dance and clap along to a Paul McCartney video and wonder will I ever be like that again?

I will take inspiration from your lives, Sadie’s calm loving acceptance of the world and Jude’s free spirit needing to fly with the wind.

I will learn from my time with you and my loss of you, because i love you so.

Hi girls I'm back.
I said to Olive next door a few weeks ago that I had never seen the changing of the guards at Buckingham Palace and that would be one of the things id like to do to get back into the world of the living.
Well this weekend we had tickets to see Shania Twain in Hyde Park and decided to make a weekend of it.
Today, before coming home, we walked through a park to what we thought would be another road on the other side, but it turned out to be Buckingham Palace and guess what was happening at the exact time we arrived – of course the changing of the guards.
Guess ill take that as a sign from above to move on.
I had a wonderful weekend but didn’t want to home, the house is still empty without you, maybe one day ill be able to walk through the door and sigh its nice to be home again, till then thanks for the sign girls.
Love you
Sue

I've just been re reading my postings on the old forum and the dream I had about cuddling Jude while Sadie watched and had a thought that maybe it is Sadie that comes to help me and she bought Jude for me to cuddle so id know she was ok.

Thank you Sadie I'm sorry I didn’t appreciate it at the time but I've finally figured it out and love you so much for helping me.

They say that we all have the ability to feel, see, touch, smell our departed love ones so if it is in me then I am doing what I can to learn.

Love you both
Sue

I think grief is like an addiction you think your cured and then you need another dose of it.
Tonight I cant sleep and I cant stop crying.
Maybe it’s the talk of birthdays its Ians in a couple of weeks and mine now represents the anniversary of Sadie’s death.
I think I'm trying to become psychic for the wrong reasons, I don’t want to just feel you or even just take a peek through the curtains at you I want you back, I miss you. And I wonder if Jude would still be here if
I wish it was morning and sunny

Please dont reply to that ill be ok in the morning

The nights are always the hardest - believe me I know....

Although sometimes, when Oscar decides to be cuddly, the painful memories of Jesse getting sick well up inside until I can barely keep from sobbing. So I understand.

You ever think you don't WANT to get over it???

Sometimes, I feel like that.

I know that THEY don't want me to be stuck in a state of misery (I'm sure you've read DJ's post about the orange boy on the eulogies...) And I hate to think that they can't move on until I heal (I don't think that...)

But I don't WANT to not miss them. They meant too much to me for me to just -- go on.... That is not making sense --?

Sorry, I've been crying hard and my head is all plugged and not clear.

Sorry bout last night I never meant to make you all start thinking…
I don’t know what to get Ian for his birthday so I suggested that the mobile phones we wanted (you know the ones that take photos) we get for each other for his birthdays cause I wouldn’t appreciate anything he gets me in Dec and that started me crying.
Then Ian kept me awake tossing and turning and the spare bed was covered in rubbish so I tried to sleep in the room we had Jude put to sleep in and my god the turmoil that was going through my brain was unbelievable.
Anyway as I've always said if I post on here I stop thinking and go to sleep and that’s exactly what happened last night, its like once I've said/typed it its out of my brain and I can at last rest – if that makes sense????

When we had Freyja put down and my Mom and Dad's it was merely bc that was her favorite place. When I am there, I can still see on the rug where she was lying. I mean - I literally can see it-- it seems paler than the rest of the rug. I can't make sense of that... It wasn't discolored before she died there, and its not her white fur still clinging there... It's just very weird...

Anyway, I guess a good thing is that I don't have to associate any room in OUR house with it...

And I am sorry you do...

So I don't have any advice on that. Maybe it would help to change the room around?

I dunno. I hate that you have all these negative associations.

Love to you,
Jennifer

These are my remaining pets – my birds.
The green singing finch is missing as he wont sit still for 1 second.
One cream dove is missing as she is sitting on eggs, ill post her separately.
This aviary used to be filled with red factor canaries most born in the aviary, but the last remaining one died shortly after Jude.
Jude on the whole used to leave them alone but would occasionally bark at them if they were on the ground then look at me slyly as if to say “if I had my way id get rid of them”.
The wild birds didn’t stand a chance and were not even aloud to land in the trees, or on the chimneys around us.
The cream doves (ring neck dove as they have a black ring round their necks) are wild round here, I don’t know why these two were in captivity but they came from a man who rescues neglected horses and he was getting rid of his aviary, so my niece bought them to me along with 6 budgies who went to a friends aviary as budgies and canaries don’t mix.
The ring neck doves are very friendly and will let you hold them, the little white one is very nervous and panics every time I go in there, the rose doves will step on my finger with a bit of coaching but I tend to leave them all in peace.

Isnt she lovely
You wouldn’t think that birds could be so affectionate but the ring neck doves look after all the others, the little white one is always with them and will even sit on their backs if she cant get in between them.

They are pretty birds!!!!
Will the cream doves eggs hatch? Will you be getting baby birds?

--Jennifer

I wondered why you guys weren’t having much to say to those poor people on the first page, you know where we all introduced ourselves.

I look at that page sometimes. Actually, Dj's orange boy and ugly made me cry so hard that now I am afraid to go there!!!!! I made Tim read "Ugly" and he can't forget it either.
Tim also asked about your birds, so I made him look at the photos of the birds. He's very impressed (he's not afraid of birds).

Anyway, you made me feel guilty so I did visit the other places, and noticed that you are board moderator! Congratulations! I think you are a great choice!

Where is DJ these days?

Love
Jennifer

Hopefully sunning himself in Costa del Somewhere –
Wish we were there too !

How are the strays doing, have any been rescued yet?

"Amalgm" is what the neighbor's called the stray kitty in the neighborhood. I contacted the no kill shelter in town and they said they did not have room, and to contact them at a later date. By the time the specified later date rolled around, Amalgm was gone. I haven't seen him in awhile. Tim thinks he got adopted. I hope so.

So how long is it acceptable to mourn?
I know were all different and the guilt of being the one to say its time, for me, has made it harder.
I always feel that posting here has been an enormous help but wonder sometimes now if its dragging out the process.
If I had no one to talk to would I have gotten over it by now?

5 months ago seems so long ago, yet in the context of time 5 months ago was only yesterday.
I always was a tearful person and cried very easily for most of my life (very annoying at times).
There was a time when the doctor diagnosed my problems as stress and that evidently I was close to having a breakdown (over a period of 5 years my dad had three amputations along with various other problems) I told him I wasn’t the type and then started crying!!!!
On reflection I realised that it had been some years since I had cried.

So is it a good thing that 8/5 months on I'm still crying?
I don’t cry everyday, sometimes not for a week maybe two, is it that I still miss them and am still mourning or is it guilt?
I realised some time ago that when you didn’t live with the person who had died it was easier to get over it, while at home, work, play nothing was different, that person could still be at home, work or playing. But when you go to their home you think something’s missing, and of course its not something its someone.

I decided to go to bed early so that I wasn’t still up when it turned into the 6th and for some reason I woke up and here I am at 3.30 ‘talking’.
Thursdays were hard for a while because thats the day I had Jude put to sleep and yet one Friday I realised that I hadn’t realised it was Thursday the day before – confused, so am I -.
So ……. How long before I wake up on the 7th or 8th and realise that id missed the 6th?????

Ian doesn’t mention the date as I don’t to him yet last night I kept getting lots of cuddles, like a silent acknowledgment but lets not mention it incase we start crying again!!

One thing I've learnt in life is that crying, for me, is a good thing, screaming is too as long as no one can hear you, even a silent scream seems to work wonders.
So will I cry forever – yes.
Will I cry for my loss of Jude and Sadie forever – yes, but as time has already shown me the crying will not come as often until eventually, maybe it will just be on yearly anniversaries instead of monthly.

Sorry I talk as well as cry and think too much dont I

How long is it acceptable to mourn? Until your heart is healed. There is no such thing as time in matters of the heart.

How long is it acceptable to cry? Until the memories no longer cause you pain.

I've said it before - the tears you shed are a direct reflection of your ability to love. If you didn't cry at all we would question your humanity. There's no question now.

It's over a year. Now and then I think of Jesse and Edgar and I cry. I'm a grown man, crying about his passed away cats over a year later. I make no excuses for it - do you know why?

Because they deserve it. They deserve to stay in my memory. They deserve to have a place in my heart that never gets filled by anything or anyone else. They deserve my tears. And they always will.

And yes sweetie. You think too much. Thank heaven for people who think too much because we need to make up for the ones who don't think at all.

P.S. I WISH I was in Costa Del Sol - lord that sounds nice when I say it out loud.

I've been busy - haven't caught the stray quite yet. He comes at night and there is only one shelter open at night (actually a vet's office) so it will cost me a bundle if I catch him.

I've named him Tom - and he's delightful but losing weight. So I've bought some catfood for him. Problem is, my Oscar - who is now 1 year old - tried desperately to go outside and meet him whenever he's here and almost escaped yesterday... I'll have to do something like spray him when he tries to escape or something.

I wish I could find an all night/inexpensive vet in Montreal somewhere.

Hi, sweet Sue,

I answered "no" on Juniorsmom's poll re ever getting better. It gets -- different. But I wouldn't say, even now, that it's "better..."

I don't think your crazy. I think DJ is right, that Jude and Sadie DESERVE the tears, and that your crying shows how much you loved them.

And yet -- I keep WAITING to get better. Today was hard. And I guess I want it to be this nice linear process, but I think it is more like: someone threw a 1000 pound weight on me, and some days, it's like they'll remove 1 lb each day for several days in a row. Then suddenly they'll throw ten more lbs back on. 5lbs off, 3 lbs on... and I think eventually it'll get lighter, eventually I'll be able to stand again, but it's just going to take a long, ziggy zaggy time to get there....

And it has ONLY been 5/8 months. They were with you for 17 years. Every single day for 17 years, they determined what you did every day (to a more or less degree). When you went out for the evening, you had to make arrangements. When you went on holiday -- you had to arrange for them. Feedings and waterings, and bed times and play times -- and that was when they were in PERFECT health. And you expect to have the loss of 17 years of ROUTINE -- not to mention love and affection and companionship--resolved. THAT is crazy.

I do hope you let go of the guilt. We ALL feel guilty. And I hope also that you stop associating negative things with non negative things (birthdays). But it is ok to feel sad, and ok to feel sad 8 months later. And to scream and cry and talk to them...

So I am thinking of you today (the 6th) and hoping you are doing ok.

Love to you,
Jennifer
Kisses to Jude and Sadie. Send Mom a delightful happy memory that she can't help but laugh at!

So reading the words to the songs in tributes, i know those songs, i know those words and they are not so sad. But I cried anyway.

Love to you,
Jennifer

I just want to point out that as some of us "wait to get better" we are already DOING so. Just the fact that we keep going forward and are able to keep ourselves from sitting, staring at a wall under a veil of grief - THAT proves that we are already getting better. Remember those first few days when all you wanted to do was lay down on the floor and sob until you fell asleep?

Every day I look around and see horrible things - homeless children, mass suffering in Africa, battered spouses, a world that is slowly being poisoned.... My guys never knew those things. They had an amazing and wonderful life with me. They were loved beyond most living beings' wildest dreams and now they are in a place where pain and grief can't touch them. They are at peace.

My grief, when it sometimes overwhelms me, is for the rest of us.

(BOY - that sounded dreary didn't it? I'll blame it on the rainy Montreal weather how's that? I can't wait until vacation at the end of September. Maybe I'll try Costa Del Sol or Puerto Vallarta)

This I'm afraid is rather long but thought id share with you what is hopefully near the end of torturing myself over having Jude put to sleep.
I've been keeping a diary (you all thought id been a bit quiet didn’t you?) not about life after Jude and Sadie but my spiritual search, which was bought about from loosing them.
This all happened last weekend and I apologise for the spelling but decided to leave it just as it was the day I typed it, although I have taken out the names of my friends: -

30.08.09
I still find it hard when I look at their pictures that when I look around they will not be there.
When I thought of having Jude put to sleep I would have a panicky feeling in the gut of my stomach and just knew that if I took her to the vet to have her put to sleep that when they put the needle near her I would punch them, protecting her. Why then when I finally did the deed did I not do this?
I was felt calm, acceptance sssshhhhhhhhtiiiiiiiiiit

31.8.09
We went round friends today and I cried and cried because their dog ws so bad

I had all but decided that I had had no right to decide that it was time for Jude to die. This was not easy because it ment basically that I should not have taken her life when I did.

But today we went round friends and their dog was tethered to the fence so she wouldn’t mess in the house for the guest that were going round today (I would add that it was sunny and she had her bed so not uncomfortable). I cried I tried not to but I couldn’t help myself, I know she is old and fragile but she wass tied up and after some coaching I persuade them to untie her and walked around the garden with her.
At one points I was stroking her head and said ‘Charkas on’ I forgot to later to say ‘Charkas off’ and wonder if this is why I got so drunk
After a while our friend asked how I knew when it was time and I couldn’t explain other then you go into auto mode and just do it. This coming from someone who had decided after six months that she had been wrnong to decide to do it. On the day everyithing had gone against me, resting pets coulding pick her up etc and I felt that if id listeneing to the signs I would not have gone aheaaaad with it, but after seeing their dog today I said to Ian about our friend asked how do you know when its time and he said ‘its time’, and I said but Jude was far worse before we did it and he said was she. Well yes she was she just didn’t look as bad because she had more fur and I didn’t decide until she could stay up, well at least their dog stayued up God hep me I'm so confused what is the write and what is the wrong thing to do??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????I feel like I have been knocked back to square one again or is it that I was supposed to see their dog suffer to confirm that its ok what I did, please please please do not let any animal human or otherwise suffer for me to see what was right or wrong I would rather suffer feeling I did wrong than to see any dog suffer to prove is was right ---------------if I was!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God please help me

1.9.03
This morning I got up and wondered out into the kitchen, had a glass of water and a cigarette. Then I wondered back into the bedroom and sat on the bed thinking of their dog.
I can finally forgive myself, it just popped into my head I can finally forgive myself.

I bought some Angel Cards a few weeks back, you think about the day ahead and then pick a card and the Angel Blessing you pick will help you through the day or days ahead.

This morning after my thoughts in the bedroom I sat down and picked my Angel Card for the day…………….. Stamera Angel of FORGIVENESS ……………..
This is a quote from the book: -
‘Forgive yourself in order for healing to be complete. It is not possible to go back and change the past, but you can change how you feel about it. Forgiveness has a rhythm all its own as you progress through the process of release and healing. If you force forgiveness, you have not yet learned the lesson of acceptance. We have been taught to blame our feelings rather than our experience for unpleasantness. No matter how far away you push feelings, they are yours. At some point, they will come back to you..

We went back to our friends to pick up our bikes and our friend said that their dog was very calm today not wondering in and out like she normally is and I wonder if this has something to do with my Chakras?

2.9.03
My Angel Card of the day was………… Stamera, Angel of Forgiveness – again.
Maybe I've still a little way to go to forgive myself completely.

At night I've been laying and trying to send their dog healing and love and peace, I've no idea if this is working but it is definitely worth trying. Maybe I'm destroying it by adding ‘please god let her go in peace and suffer no more’.

Rest in peace my sweet babies I love you as always.

Poor sweet Sue,

I hate how you agonize over it.

You put Jude down. I don't know if you can ever forgive yourself. I don't intend to ever forgive myself for putting Freyja down. Ever. The very best I can do is tell myself that what I did, I did out of love...

A few weeks later when Saki was getting sick and tim called and said "You need to call the vet...." NO. NO no no no nonono. I told him I was not going to make that call. Period. And he made it. And I begged the gods to take her if they wanted her but not to make me do that again.

And I think the gods whenever I think on her (which is still daily) for answering my prayers. They wanted her so they took her and I didn't have to kill her. After Frey, I think -- well, I would not have punched the vet, but if the gods had not taken her that day, I would've run away with Saki. Gone and hidden.

Now I have Hathor, and Electra... I don't know if I will ever be able to kill them. I do not know...

But I know of an old man who had a dog and the dog was old and I guess ready to go. In a lot of pain and the dog would cry and cry. And the old man would not release the dog. And so finally the kids took the dog, had it put to sleep, then returned the dog to the house so the old man found it and thought it died "naturally..."

If it were easy, I could have no respect for you. That it is still so hard... the only reason you did it was bc of love. PERIOD. PERIOD. You may never forgive yourself and as far as all that goes, I don't know what is right and what is wrong. But it was in love, in pure love that you did it.

My little friend passed away 6 September 2003

Take care of her girls
Love you all

Well it has been 1 year and 3months and 1 year and I am trying desperately my lovely girls to heal completely and move on but these things will not be rushed and although my skin, especially my eyes, have aged 10 years from the tears I will not hold them back.

I thank you for putting the idea in my head to stop smoking and then helping me, I thank you for the days when I feel your presence and love even though I don’t see you. I don’t thank you for the extra weight I have put on – but don’t mind really.
I thank you for the wonderful 17 years and lessons you taught me during and after.
I thank you for all the good I may do while healing, for if I had not lost you I would never have found my way back to this path, obviously some lessons you could only teach me in spirit and that is why you had to go.

Thank you my darlings for everything.

Love and Kisses
Sue

I guess my decision was to not post my yearly anniversary and to leave the site to all you guys with fresh grief helping each other but I guess it helps in some small way to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Some of you may know that I turned to Spiritualism after my losses, at first I just wanted to know that Jude was ok after being put to sleep, then I guess I got selfish and wanted to see them for myself.

And so on Saturday it was one year and obviously I have spent much of the last week in tears and self pity but wonder if my tears are all for them or for myself and the loss of the life I used to lead.

Well my new life now includes an awareness circle, which basically means that if I have any psychic abilities I will learn what they are and how to use them.
I also, somehow ended up learning how to heal spiritually, after visiting the church on Christmas Eve it turned out somehow that I was expected on a Sunday in January to start healing. Well all I have done all this time is sit with a healer to see if I pick up on anything, but today – 1 year after loosing Jude I did my first healing session on my own.
My dream of course is to heal animals – if id only known of Spiritual healing or Reiki when my girls need it.

Maybe there are reasons for our losses maybe there are lessons we are learning I don’t know, some of us turn to the Church some like DJ and Jennifer start a new family, and others like MD start a forum which helps people with their grief. Whatever you are doing now or will do in the future please be assured that the pain does ease and even though there are still tears - life definitely goes on.

Love, and of course healing, to you all
Sue