I lost my dear 18-year-old brown tabby, Neko, on Wednesday afternoon, June 22 to inoperable lung cancer. The only time I stop crying is when I'm sleeping. I feel her presence everywhere but mostly when I'm in bed (she's at my side, up by my shoulder or lying next to my head on the pillow).

Two weeks to the day after Neko's regular vet unceremoniously dumped us (after five x-rays and no real diagnosis), she had a CT scan by a specialist who confirmed the collapsed left lung lobe that was diagnosed by ultrasound the week before. Her lung was aspirated during the ultrasound so they could determine if the collapse was caused by infection or cancer. The cytology report suspected cancer but it wasn't definitive, so a CT scan was ordered. The other lung and lymph nodes were clear of any indications of cancer during the CT scan, so I agreed to have a surgeon remove the collapsed lobe. When the surgeon got in, however, he found tumor tentacles wrapped around the artery that supplies blood to both lungs. It was too dangerous to proceed, so I asked that he put her down and close her up. I spent some 25 minutes saying goodbye and arranged to have her cremated.

I feel like someone has torn my heart out of my chest.

I took Neko in for her semi-annual checkup and shots back on March 4. She saw Dr. Gloria. For some reason Neko was very upset on the ride there and even coughed up a humongous hairball in her carrier. Drs. Gloria and Lori always harped on the fact that older kitties tended to have kidney and/or thyroid problems, so they had me come in every six months, but Neko's blood panels always came back normal. (I always got the feeling they were disappointed they were so normal.) The one thing that was elevated on that trip was her blood sugar, so right away Dr. Gloria started harping on the idea that Neko "might" be diabetic and that I should bring her in every three months to get her blood pressure checked. (Dr. Gloria didn't seem to care that the car ride to their office took 30 minutes or that Neko had been overly upset during the ride to that particular visit.)

I also asked Dr. Gloria about the possibility of over-vaccinating animals (especially strictly indoor only ones like all of mine have been). She pooh-poohed the idea and said she personally had never encountered any animal, cat or otherwise, who had a bad reaction to a shot, especially since the shots she gave were individual ones, not all lumped together in one syringe. Well, wouldn't you know it, Neko got her rabies and distemper shots and then laid around for three days afterward, acting very lethargic and not wanting to eat.

In between March 4 and May 11, Neko started having problems with what I thought were hairballs but she never brought anything up. It got so bad that she'd be walking around and would stop and start coughing from deep inside her lungs. She coughed so hard that her sides heaved in and out like bellows as she tried to clear out whatever was in there. She also started losing weight. Between March 4 and May 11, she lost 15 oz but Dr. Gloria didn't seem too concerned when I brought her in. She took the first of five sets of x-rays on May 11 and concluded that Neko "probably" had asthma.

Neko was treated with transdermal steroids and re-x-rayed on May 25. Dr. Gloria couldn't see any difference so she sent the x-rays out to have a radiologist read them. The radiology report came back on May 27, but Dr. Gloria was out of town because it was the Memorial Day weekend. Dr. Lori got back to me after hours and said the radiologist thought it looked like pneumonia and recommended that Neko be put on antibiotics for three days and then re-x-rayed.

I took Neko in on May 28 so I could get the antibiotic and they could give Neko her first dose. (The technician thought she was being cute by forcefully giving Neko a syringeful in her mouth and Neko immediately started gagging and puked it right up.) Dr. Lori came in and gave Neko a shot instead and sent me home with the liquid equivalent which they told me could be mixed in her food. Neko really started not eating then so she got very little medication over the long holiday weekend.

My other cat, five-year-old Lena, had been jumping in and out of the litter box and licking her butt that week. By Sunday, May 29, I grew very concerned because cats can die from crystals in their urine if left untreated for 72 hours. After watching her jump in and out of the box seven times in three hours, I called a nearby 24-hour ER vet and asked them if I should bring her in or wait until after Memorial Day. They said to bring her in but were unable to get a urine sample from her. Erring on the side of caution, the ER vet assumed Lena had feline urologic syndrome and prescribed antibiotic pills, pain shots and special hard and dry food (which she totally refused to eat).

By the time May 31 rolled around, I had to take Neko back to Dr. Lori (Dr. Gloria was still out of town) for different antibiotics since she had essentially stopped eating. I also took in Lena for a urine sample to determine if she really had feline urologic syndrome or something else. Lena got good news. She didn't need the pain shots or the special food as she didn't have crystals in her urine after all. She was "only" blessed with a urinary tract infection, but would still need to be pilled once a day for 10 days (something I couldn't do one-handed). Neko had to have two shots a day of the antibiotics and I couldn't give them to her either because I have only one working hand. I located a vet technician who did house calls to pill Lena and inject Neko.

After Neko had three days of shots on the antibiotics, I took her back in to be re-x-rayed on June 3. These x-rays differed little if any from the ones done on May 25, so Dr. Gloria asked that I finish the antibiotics and then get another x-ray. The final set of x-rays were done on June 8 and that's when Dr. Gloria basically dumped me and Neko by saying that we'd "have to take it to a higher level" (meaning "go see a respiratory specialist because I don't know what's going on here"). Dr. Gloria pointed me to a phone outside the exam room and she left, literally, as I called and made the appointment myself with information I found on the internet. When I went back to the exam room, Neko was in her carrier on the counter. No Dr. Gloria, no technician, no one. I grabbed the carrier and went to the waiting room which was deserted except for Gayle the receptionist who was working on my bill. Neko's first and last x-rays were on the counter along with copies of Dr. Gloria's notes and lab work since May 11. (Nice, huh? I had gone to this clinic with all of my cats for more than 10 years, so I don't understand the royal brush off, but rest assured I won't be going back there again.)

On June 13 Neko and I went to see respiratory specialist Dr. Phil Padrid in Chicago. He couldn't make head or tails out of the x-rays from the clinic, so he asked if he could make his own set as he was looking for something specific. He ruled out asthma and pneumonia and settled on either a ruptured diaphragm, collapsed lung or cancer (in that order). He said the next step would be to get an ultrasound and that I'd have to go to the Vet Specialty Center in Buffalo Grove for that.

On June 15 Neko and I went to see radiologist Dr. Renee Leveille in Buffalo Grove for the ultrasound. Dr. Leveille determined that the lower lobe of Neko's left lung was collapsed and asked for permission to aspirate it (withdraw cells and fluid for biopsy). If the collapse was due to an infection, they'd be able to determine what antibiotics to prescribe. Dr. Leveille explained that many cats survived and recovered beautifully from having lung lobes removed. The pathology results would come back in two and ten days.

On June 17 I received a call from Dr. Padrid who had been sent a fax from Dr. Leveille with the two-day pathology results. Although it wasn't 100% certain because a tissue sample was not taken, the pathology report strongly suspected the Neko had lung cancer. The treatment for both a collapsed lung and lung cancer was the same; removal of the diseased/collapsed lung lobe. A CT scan would be the next thing to do to determine if cancer had affected the other lung or any of the lymph nodes. Dr. Padrid told me to think about what I wanted to do over the weekend (what else would I do?) and let him know of my decision on Monday, June 20.

After thinking long and hard and talking it over with Neko, I decided to proceed with the CT scan and the procedure was scheduled for June 22 at 11 a.m. As I said, the other lung and lymph nodes were clear of any indications of cancer during the CT scan, so I agreed to have a surgeon remove the collapsed lobe. Little did we all know that the insidious cancer was also outside the lung making surgery and recovery hopeless because it was wrapped around the artery that supplied blood to both lungs.

She left this world weighing only 6 lbs 1 oz (having lost 2 lbs 9 oz since May 11 when I began my quest to get her diagnosed). My beautiful girl with the big green eyes and the sweet white muzzle will always be my Big Mac (aka The Striper, Catfish, Fish Face, Nekon, Pecan Pie, Macarena, et al).

I feel her nestled on my lap, not the sick kitty she was at the end, but the joyous youngster who used to sass back at me under her breath when I'd tell her to be a "good girl," while I was gone, with "no fighting and no escaping."

I loved and will always love that girl very much.

Dear Patti,

My heart just hurts for you. You lost your precious kitty and you were abandoned by a vet that you knew and trusted for many years. I'm so sorry.

It sounds like you did everything you possibly could to help Neko, and I'm sure she knows and appreciates everything you did for her. From my own experience I know how heavy your heart must be having gone through all the vet visits and tests and not having your Neko after it's all said and done.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Patti, I wrote a post earlier to you that I accidentally erased and now am very short of time. I had to euthanize my Mandycat of 20 years 8 days ago and I know the pain you're in. Whatever you do, do not try to second-guess your actions, or even those of the vets. I kept replaying every thing I could have done better and was in absolute agony. I called a cousellor who told me he wished he had saved my messages to replay for me, that it almost masochistic how I tore myself apart over this.

This site was a Godsend for me as I could see that persons who clearly really loved and cared for their pets were still suffering horribly over the decision to euthanize. Read through other posts and you'll see that a lot of persons who truly did their best still wonder if they had done something differently that their loved one might have made it. Neko knows how much you loved her and how much you tried.

I've cried myself out right now and have decided not to have one day that I can look back on that I don't give my best to Max, my Mainiac (from Maine) Puliboy. It's helping me to start to function again and to come to terms with all the emptiness.

Be kind to yourself,

Kathy

Dear Patti:

When I came onto LS about 1/2 hour ago, your post is the first post that I went to...... I just finished reading
your story about your beautiful, beloved, precious girl Neko --- "BIG MAC "......
I just couldn't stop shaking my head, as I was reading your story!

I am TERRIBLY SORRY FOR ALL OF THE PAIN AND HEARTACHE THAT YOU ARE FEELING!!!



You lost your precious girl on Wednesday....and, unfortunately, that is exactly how your heart is going to
feel ----- for a good, long while....
As for myself, after our sweet girl Ernie-Bird was put to sleep, I felt as if someone was stabbing my chest with
a serrated blade...........going in and out -- not stopping....

My heart bled for our sweet girl.... Every part of my body hurt!!

Reading your post...........
You did everything imaginable to see that your beautiful girl received THE ABSOLUTE BEST CARE !!!!!!!!

As Kathleen stated, "You were abandoned by a vet that you knew and trusted for many years"..... That bothers
me, and I am sorry about that as well.
Perhaps, in time......you might want to report her to the American Veterinary Society ----

But, please understand that my prayers are with you right now, after having lost your precious girl....

I hope that you will always know that as soon as your sweet Neko left this world, she went to a beautiful
place called "the Rainbow Bridge"......
And, over there, Neko has become a precious Angel, and she is all perfect now ------ there is NO PAIN anymore...... She is not suffering!!



When I first joined Lightning-Strike, in the early morning hours of February 8, 2004, I told my story of having
our precious Ernestine put to sleep on 2/7/2004, at 12noon.

But..........some very wise, loving soul, on LS, wrote to me:

"In having your sweet girl put to sleep ---- you helped her do something that she could not do by herself.... You helped her to die..... There is NO greater gift than that."

I FORGET THE EXACT WORDS THAT THIS WONDERFUL PERSON SAID TO ME.......but, it is "a saying", that has remained at Lightning-Strike to this day......

At a time when nothing in this world made sense to me ---- that saying made so much sense to me!!!

And, I KNOW WITHOUT QUESTION, THAT THAT STATEMENT HELPED ME TO HEAL MUCH FASTER....

I did pray that Ernie would pass away in her sleep - because she was sooooooooooo sick..... And, her violent
retching, and losing weight.....
As painful as it was for me to watch ----- it was, SO MUCH MORE PAINFUL FOR OUR TINY LITTLE
GIRL!

Please, let your tears fall because they are "healing tears" --- they will help your heart to heal...
They really, really will...

And, please, come to this site often....
Read other peoples posts..........

Pick a few names, and "follow that person's journey.........from beginning to end....... OR their beginning to their most recent post" (some are still going through their journeys..)

This is one of the things that helped me to heal...

There is "no set rule/no timetable" for how long people grieve....
Everyone is different.
I've heard it said that,
"For every year that you have owned you sweet animal, it takes approximately one full month/per year."

Your VERY SWEET "PECAN PIE "......
She will ALWAYS & FOREVER BE WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS!!
When you close your eyes Patti.....she'll be right there with you .
Twenty-Four hours/day!

Already, she occupies your heart!!

NOT EVEN DEATH CAN SEPARATE THOSE WHO LOVED SOOOOOO STRONGLY -- IT NEVER WILL!!!

As Mandy's Mom said, "Be kind to yourself"...
That's something important as well!!!

I ALWAYS THOUGHT: "I should have..............", or "Why didn't I..........", or "If only I had done this/that...earlier and/or later".......
My mind did that to me in the first few months...............
And, I know that happened to soooooo many other people here, at LS.......

Please know in your heart that you did everything, everything in the world that you could have done, for your
sweet Neko.......
I hope Patti, that you "feel that you did everything & more".... Because, "you really did".

Your sweet Neko is looking down at you from "Rainbow's Bridge" and, she loves you very, very much!!

Always know that.....

God Bless You & Yours,

Love, Denise, Ben, Ms. Lucy & Mr. Yoster xo

Thank you (Kathleen032, Mandy's Mom and Muffins) for your kind thoughts and words. It's reassuring and comforting to know that I'm not alone. Thank you all for being here to offer support. I do appreciate it and want to share the following with you.

Neko was a young street kitty who adopted me in 1987 when I lived in Los Angeles (I was born and raised in Chicago). I don't remember the exact date or even the month, but seem to recall it was during late spring or early summer. I lived alone in a ground floor apartment in a building that was strictly no-pets near Santa Monica Blvd. and the 405 freeway. On this particular morning, I was late heading out the door to report for for my first day of jury duty in Santa Monica. As soon as I got outside, I noticed a woman walking down the sidewalk with a young cat trailing behind her. How funny, I thought, that cat is acting like a dog. The woman, though, was not amused.

"Do you know who owns this cat?" she asked.

"No," I answered. "None of the tenants in my building are allowed to have pets. That one certainly seems to have taken a liking to you though."

Exasperated, the woman replied that she had to go to work and that she couldn't have a cat following her to the office. She turned and started walking down the sidewalk with the cat again keeping pace with every footstep.

I went to jury duty but couldn't stop thinking about that cat. When I got home, I looked around but didn't see any sign of it. Saying "here, kitty kitty" under my breath as I unlocked my front door, I was shocked when all of a sudden a flash of fur jumped out from behind the bushes and stood rubbing up against me. I pushed open the door and the scrawny cat walked inside That was the start of a beautiful friendship.

Neko and I moved from that no-pets allowed apartment to a pets-welcome refurbished garage apartment owned by a friend a couple of miles away. We lived there for several months before I had to move back to the Chicago area because I needed back surgery. We arrived at O'Hare Airport on Flag Day, June 14, 1988 and moved in with my dad, sister, nephew and five cats. Neko apparently brought along a couple hitchhiking West Coast fleas with her that soon took up residence and multiplied in what must have been flea heaven (a fully carpeted four bedroom split level house). The summer of 1988 was also hotter and more humid than usual with many days of temps in the 100s. We cleaned, we scrubbed, we vacuumed, we bombed, we dipped. We did everything we could to get rid of the fleas and, finally, months later, they were finally gone. The vet had never seen such an infestation and couldn't figure out how or why we got hit so bad until I said Neko and I had just moved here from California and that in LA fleas were taken for granted.

For a while I used to call Neko my little Fleabag

This summer reminds me a lot of the summer of 1988. When I took Neko to Chicago to see the respiratory specialist on June 13, we passed O'Hare Airport and I reminded her that the 17th anniversary of our flight from Los Angeles was the next day. I never thought she'd only be with me nine more days.

Uh oh, I feel sad again, the tears have returned. Thanks for listening.

What a touching story of how you and Neko found each other! It sounds like you two were destined to be in each other's lives.

I lived in the LA area for a while...Boy, oh, boy do I remember the fleas!!

I think it really does help to share your thoughts, feelings, and memories with people who understand what you're going through. Hopefully the LS site will offer you some of the comfort and support you need to help with your grieving.

Hugs,
Kathleen

I am sorry for your loss. Neko had a great life with you - she found you, claiming took place and you both shared a lot of love.

Making the decision to euthanize is one of the hardest. Every emotion is wrapped up with the grief.

You promised her a good life and a good death. You have kept both parts of the bargain, and the tears are proof of how true you were to your little girl.

Dee Dee

Patti,
As strong as the pain is at this time, please find some peace in the fact that you provided a quality of love and care to your precious Neko for 18 long, beautiful years that she would have never known, and for that you should be proud. Think of how her life could have been, and then think of how it was...beacause of you and your love for her. I don't think a person out there could say you didn't do everything you could have done for her.....it was just her time to fly. You didn't have to take her in that day, 18 years ago, and she could have faced a horrible existence. From your story, I think she was sent to you from heaven, and you cherished her as such....
Love,
Kim

Dear Patty,

I could relate to everything you conveyed emotionally in your recount of life and beyond with your darling Neko ~ I also know how deeply our lives and spirits are touched by these angels on earth ~ My Amber was with me for 20 years ~ I would give anything to have one more hour with her ~ my sweetie pie ~ I will never stop missing her or her brother Jade who I lost in 1999 ~ it is a bittersweet experience having them in our lives and gracing our days and nights with their presence... In the last days Amber woke me several times a night to snuggle closer and touch my face with her paw ~ purring contentedly ~ I cannot let the ache and sadness in too often because the pain is raw and there is a little child in me who will never understand this loss ~ To know that there are like spirits "here" and that I am not alone ~ makes such a difference to me and has kept me sane in a world spinning out and away from all that is familiar ~ somehow I continue to go forward ~ I have such gratitude in my heart for being able to find "friends" here to ease my pain and comfort me in the darkened shadows of my soul ~

Blessings and Peace ~ Kathryn

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I know I was very blessed to know Neko for 18 years. She saved my life many times (literally and figuratively) and was with me through all the highs and lows. She was wise beyond her years (like Yoda in a fur coat ) and could be alternately grumpy or sweet. It was my privilege to be in her presence, my girl with the big green eyes.

Little Neko. Such a beautiful, beautiful girl.

Thanks for sharing her picture.
Hugs,
Kathleen

Dear Patty,

Yoda in fur - how totally appropriate - Amber was exactally that as well ~ I am convinced that when she is not hanging around me ~ she has found a brood of yoda like souls to have a more sensible encounter than with human kind ~ although they love us unconditionally it must have been hard to be around the likes of me all of the time since I never completely "got it"

I love the photo ~ I know for sure that Ambie and Neko are related spiritually ~

Blessings to you ~ Kathryn