Hello:

Today was probably one of the most hardest days of my life. My dear cat Sammi (my baby) had to be put to sleep. She was diagnosed with cancer just yesterday. She had an infection of the pancreas last week and we thought that was all there was to it. Antibiotics and low fat food for a few days, but Sunday she had major trouble moving her hind legs. We thought perhaps the anesthetic but the vet said everything should have been back to normal by 24 hrs. I know that for the last couple of months she was having trouble jumping up or down and she was not spending as much time outside as usual The vet checked her xrays last night and called us this morning saying that one of her lungs looked quite a bit denser then the other therefore cancer had invaded and moved to her spine cutting off nerve endings. What was the hardest to hear was that it would only get worse and we knew that we would have to make a difficult decision. My son went with me to the clinic today and when we got there the pain in my heart intensified 100 fold. The vet was very gentle and very loving to Sammi and my son and I stood by her side and touched her as the needle was given. I realize that she probably didn''t know what was going to happen to her but we sure did. Now I sit at home looking at my surroundings and wonder how I will cope with the feelings I am having. Guilt for sure. I most vividly remember giving her some of her kitty treats this morning (this is after making the hard choice) and she was gobbling them up like there was no tomorrow. When I think of that image I so feel like I condemned her and she was actually eating her last meal. This hurts so bad. I just want to be able to share these intense emotions to someone who would understand.
Please help.
Heidi Dickens
In Memory of Sammi born Nov 21, 1991 Passed Away June 23, 2005

Dear Heidi,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Sammi. You've come to a wonderful place for healing. Last October I joined LS because I'd lost my dog, Shiloh, in September to lymphoma. I was very much in the same place you are now...feeling immense saddness over the loss of my companion, and feeling a sense of guilt because I was the one that made the decision to have her put to sleep. It was in one of my first posts here that someone said to me..."You gave Shiloh a great gift. You took on her pain, so she could be pain free." Sammi, just like Shiloh, was suffering from cancer. By making the decision to end their suffering, we did give them a gift...we took away their pain and allowed them their dignity.

What Sammi will always remember is that you gave her lots of years of love and you were there with her up until the very end.

I know your pain is very great right now...I can empathasize...I just lost another one of my furbabies (my kitty, Hobbie) 3 weeks ago to fatty liver syndrome. From my experience dealing with Shiloh, I can tell you that in time the pain will ease, and you'll find comfort in all the wonderful memories you have of Sammi.

You're in my thoughts,
Kathleen

I feel for your loss. It really is the hardest decision to make, but it is the kindest thing to do in situations like yours. Sometimes there simply isn't anything else we can do that will relieve their suffering or help them regain good health. Put your guilt aside and realize that the alternative would have been a lingering, horrible death. Euthanasia gave Sammi release from this and a dignified, painless death. I am in favor of fighting with all available means when an animal is ill. There are some illnesses that we just can't do much about and the options are few. May Sammi be at peace and to you and your family.

Heidi, I am so sorry about Sammi, I know how you feel. I had to have my 15 year old dog, Sandy P, put to sleep on June 14. She had disk problems in her back and had trouble getting up, but she managed that way for over a year. I would help her up, and I put rugs all around the house so she could get a better grip and get up by herself. But could she eat!!!! She would eat anything and everything and always stayed slim. I had to sneak her extra treats when the other dogs weren't looking. Then she started to stagger and she'd fall down while she was walking. I still helped her and she was still enjoying life. Then little by little, her appetite decreased. We tried everything the last two days--hot dogs, tuna fish, cat food etc. The last few days, she ate very little and didn't move at all. She would just lay wherever we left her. I slept on the floor with her the last two nights, and she ate a small bowl of food. I had to bring the water bowl in for her to drink, and she didn't drink enough to sustain life. That's when I knew it was time. The vet came out to the van to give her the injection, and we brought her home and buried her under the living room window. I still cry every day, but it's not constant like the first few days. I can only tell you that time will make it better because I have been through this with other dogs. Time is making it a little better, but I stil have a long way to go. This website has really helped me. I'm just sorry that there are so many of us suffering. Keep checking back here and let us know how you are doing. Seventeen years is a long time (more than most marriages last) so I know you're going to miss Sammi. He was a lucky cat to have you as a guardian. The love you shared on earth will last forever. Euthanasia is one of the kindest and bravest things we can do. It is the ultimate act of love because you are thinking only about him and not yourself. I know it's natural to beat ourselves up later, but that's just human nature. I feel guilty because, during the last few days, I hoped that Sandy P would die peacefully in her sleep. I wonder if she knew what I was thinking? But if she knew what I was thinking, she knew that I loved her very, very much and didn't want her to suffer any more.

Love,

Christine

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Sammi. It is so hard to believe that our babies could get so sick that there is no other way than to let them go. I had to put Cosmo down on May 24 for kidney failure. It was the hardest decision, because my selfishness wanted to try anything and everything to make him better, but that would have been wrong for him. I believe that I put him down while he still had dignity. He was really only sick with the kidney symptoms for a couple days, and the night before he died, he was at the vet receiving treatment. When I called the next morning though, they told me that the numbers for kidney function in his blood work were so high, (some of those were off the charts) that the best thing would be to let him go. I had to put one of our cats down last May also, but it was an easier choice because I saw that he was having trouble for awhile, and everything we were doing to conquer it eventually stopped working. I think I may start to dread the month of May now.
I know that it hurts more than words can describe, and I am still quite fresh in my grief, even after a month. You will feel better though, a little each day. All we can hope for is progress each day that will lead us toward healing. We will never forget our loss, but the guilt will subside, and eventually the pain will begin to be replaced by happy memories. I want to commend you for having the courage to be there for Sammi during her final moments, I know how hard it is to make that choice, but she felt the comfort of your presence, I believe.
I am glad you found us all here at this pet loss grief forum. All of us here know that there is no time limit to our grieving and noone here will ever tell you to "move on". When those close to you begin to move on, but you haven't been able to, then reach out for us here, we'll understand.
I hope that soon you will begin to feel a little more peace, and then you can begin to memorialize her with a special plant or flower in your yard, or a framed picture with a poem or special message. I just finished my grave marker for Cosmo last night, and it is helping me find peace. I chose a perrenial called "Jacob's Ladder" to plant next to his grave, because it blooms in May, and that is when he passed.
I will pray for you and your family during this intense time of loss and grief. Please know, you DID do the right thing. Sammi will live on in spirit as well as in your memories and in your heart. Your courage spoke volumes to her when you let her go in peace.
Peace, Love, and Prayers,
Michelle

Heidi,

I know how hard it is to lose a beloved pet like that. We just had to euthenise my Zelly-belly this Monday because of a painful type of cancer in her leg. It got so bad for her that she simply could not touch that paw to the ground and walking on 3 legs was so difficult for her that she didn't even want to stay and play in her favorite creek. What you have to remember is that your Sammi was in pain and you had to put him down or it would have gotten worse. What you did was help your baby, you had too and she knows that. Try not to remember her as she died but how she lived, I keep trying to remember all the good times with Zelda and it helps alot to remember playing with her and how much she loved you rather than that you had to put her down.

Love and Best Wishes.

Heidi, I'm so sorry I referred to Sammi as he instead of she. My brain still is functioning at 100% since Sandy P died.

Love,

Christine