I know I've written a lot of posts about Duke and I'm sorry if I'm over-doing it. I just don't know how else to let it out. I think a lot of the people around me are sick of my crying. My mother thinks it's unhealthy for me to keep "doing this" to myself. She yells at me to go to sleep. It's so hard being in my bed alone though. I want Duke to be there on my feet or under the covers with me. I can't stand it.

It'll be three weeks this Wednesday since Duke passed. That's so short a time but it feels like an eternity. I miss him so much. I just want to hold him again. I try to picture him in my mind but I can't. My mind doesn't work that way. It's not that I've forgotten what he looks like; I just can't seem to get the image to form. I'm so scared I'm going to forget things about him though.

Despite the challenges of Duke's life and the pain that I feel now that he's gone, I don't regret bringing him into my life. My only regret is that I didn't get to have more time with him, that I couldn't help him. It breaks my heart that he's not here to cuddle, love, and play with anymore. I miss my baby. I want him back.

Tracy
In memory of Duke, my baby and my best friend (September 16, 2002 to June 1, 2005)

Dear Tracy,

We all grieve in different ways. This website is designed to meet the needs of all of us. If you need to come here and write and cry, it's perfectly okay. That's what we're here for...to help each other out.

I'm so sorry about Duke. He was such a cute little fellow. I know you must miss him terribly.

As far as forgetting about Duke...what you're feeling is really normal. I've found that as time passes, happy memories and images return. Hopefully, that will happen for you with Duke.

Hugs,
Kathleen

Tracy:
That's what this place is for!!!! Come here and let it all out, in a place that is safe!!!!

And you HAVE to get it all out. It is the only way to begin to heal. If you keep it in, it rots inside of you.

Besides writing, there are other things you can do. A lot of peope have planted memorial gardens or plants or trees or such. I can't do that bc plants and I are a bad match. But when Saki and Freyja and Electra died, I made memorial photo collages for each of them. And I also bought engraved bricks for them at a vet hospital. And I made a calendar with photos of them. And I got a box where I put their stuff-- tags and sympathy cards and fur... I turned Electra's collar into a bracelet and wore that a lot (a lot of people where the tags as a necklace). Saki and Electra's urns are in the kitchen (as is Freyja's grave marker). Daphne's urn, which I picked out yesterday, will join them. Web site memorials help a lot of people.

As for "what you are doing to yourself..." Well, hmph to that. You had a dear best friend who was a part of your daily existence. And now, Duke is not there. You are not doing anything to yourself -- you can't help missing your little rascal.

And you feel like you failed your dear friend. You didn't. But in reading your posts, I can tell how you feel (I also feel like I failed Daphne. And as irrational as I tell myself that is, I just can't help-- right now-- how I feel.)

I am sorry your mother does not understand. Some people don't. I am sure your mom just wants to see you smile again. But, I know how hard that is to do right now. Right now you need to grieve and be sad.

Duke was so so so lucky to have you!!!!! I hope you know that! You gave him unconditional love even when he was a little spit fire. And he loved you back, even though he couldn't always show it. You always did right by him. ALWAYS.

Just hang in there and post as much as y9ou need.

I am thinking of you,
Jennifer

Thank you both for replying and for giving me "permission" to grieve. It's good to have people who are separated yet connected to me. I'm lucky to be surrounded by people who care about me but it's hard for them to see me like this. They mean well but sometimes their reactions hurt.

I've wanted to make a memorial to Duke as you suggested, Jennifer. The day after his death, I gathered up all of his pictures and put them in an album. I have some to be developed that my boyfriend saved onto a cd for me. I have his urn in my bedroom on a shelf and I want to dedicate that area to him. I think it will be helpful to do that. This month has been crazy though and I haven't had a chance. I started a new job the week after Duke died. I've since left it because it aggravated a recurring wrist injury that I have. My sister had major surgery (she's fine), my father was having pain in his legs and was diagnosed with two blood clots (he will be ok), and I've come down with a horrible flu. I'm hoping to get started on the memorial as soon as I start feeling well. I thought about planting something in memory of him but plants and I shouldn't mix either .

I've been spending a lot of time at my boyfriend's house. It's easier to be there and his two siamese cats have helped me a lot. I think they can sense that I'm sad. They've been very cuddly .

Please know that both of you are in my thoughts. I wish you didn't have to go through this but I'm glad to have people who understand. I hope that time makes this easier for all of us.

I'm posting a picture of Duke and me below that I'd like to get blown up (minus the red eyes) and put on the wall above his urn.

Tracy
Duke, fondly remembered and sadly missed (September 16, 2002 - June 1, 2005)

Tracy,

That's a beautiful picture of you and Duke! By looking at that picture, you can definitely see the special bond that existed between the two of you.

I think the memory/scrapbook is a great idea...I've thought about doing that for Shiloh and Hobbie, but I'm just not so very creative. Oh well.

Hugs to you.
Kathleen

Tracy:

What a fanatstic picture of you and your baby!!!!!!!!

It sounds like you have so much going on right now. I am so sorry. I am glad the Siameses are giving you some comfort.

Anyway, I just wanted to say "hi" and I'm thinking of you, and I am hoping you are having a good day today.

Love,
jennifer

I echo every one else's reply to you.

That is a wonderful picture of Duke and you! I too can see the bond between you in the picture.

Grieve however you must, Tracy, and we are here for you. Today I was crying about my Lacy yet again. A friend sent a condolence card with a photo of myself and Lacy in it and it started me all over again.

We love you.
Linda

Thank you all for your replies and words of comfort. I had that picture taken the week before I got Duke put to sleep. I had tons of pictures of him but very few with both of us because I took most of the pics of him. I like the smile on his face in that one .

He always used to get that smile on his face when I came home. I always looked forward to his greeting when I walked in the door. His eyes would light up and his whole body would wag. I'd sit on the floor with him before I even took my jacket off. He'd press himself against me and fold into a C shape while I scratched above his tail. It was like he couldn't get close enough to me . I miss that.

Today was rough but I also found some peace in some of the things that happened. I know that he's up there looking down and wishing he could lick the tears off my face. I know that someday I'll once again be greeted in the typical Duke way in a place where we can spend forever together.

Thank you all once again,
Tracy

Funny i thought from your avatar that Duke was a lot smaller and your replies to others that you would be a lot older .

You are a loving sensertive person and it will take you a long time to get over the loss of Duke but you will get there just be kind to yourself and ask your mum to be patient, it must have been 8 months before i started functioning properly and until that first anniversary is over, forget pretty eyes.

I used LS like a diary , one day maybe ill go back and collect all the pieces of my heart but theyre probably better off where they are.

Love Sue

Your response made me laugh, Sue. Thanks for putting a smile on my face . I'm only 25 but I've been told I look younger and act older. Duke was definitely not a big guy but he grew bigger than we expected him to get. That being said, he weighed 18 pounds but probably looks a little bigger in my arms because I'm pretty tiny. He was a strange-shaped dog. He had short, little bow-legs in the front, big feet, and a wide body. He looked like he was trying to be a bulldog but couldn't quite make it .

Tracy