I wonder if there will ever come a day when I will not longer count Mondays. It's been 3 Mondays since I put him to sleep... 3 whole weeks...
I have to say the pain is less. It has become a deep intense throb instead of the horrible mind numbing screaming pain it was. It's still bad and I still find myself in tears a lot - usually when I least expect it and shouldn't be crying. Every Monday I still find myself reliving the 30th of May, over and over again in my head. We feel his absence so much. We were watching a movie the other night and I gave everyone a drumstick (ice cream cone)... As we all opened the wrappers it's hit me like a ton of bricks... Freeway should be under foot... hoping something drops.. That boy could hear a wrapper from clear across the house and he would come running. It broke my heart.

I'm still searching to adopt another pet. The fees here are slightly high ($199 for a dog) and I just don't have the money right now. Not to mention that they really don't have what I am looking for there at the moment. Unfortunately it's mostly cats, (which leads me to wonder why the heck people don't fix their feline friends... there were literally pages and pages of the sweetest most adorable kitty's.. so sad!) and as much as I'd love a cat my family wouldn't. Something will come along when the time is right I suppose.

Freeway hasn't come to visit me anymore. I told him it was ok to go and I'd be ok. Part of me wishes he would visit once in a while though, just to feel him near me. Having his ashes here helps somewhat, I say goodmorning and goodnight and feel like his spot truly pays tribute to him.

I guess I'm moving on with my life, but there truly isn't a time when 3 minutes goes by when he isn't in my thoughts at least once or twice. I'd rather not move on, I almost feel guilty for smiling and laughing again... it doesn't feel right to smile without him here.. but I know he'd want me to.

I sometimes have a hard time replying to everyone here... sometimes the pain is just too raw and deep and reading about everyone else's pain brings back my own. It seems selfish but I am most definitely in self preservation mode. I do what I can when I can, but I do read all the posts and pray for everyone. I know what everyone's going through, and for those of you who's little ones just recently made the trip... It does get a little easier as time goes by... Be easy on yourselves and let yourselves grieve...

My little Freeway... I know I don't talk to you much anymore.. maybe it's just been too painful... Thank you for visiting me and letting me know you're ok... I miss you, my sweet boy... I think about you constantly. It feels so wrong being here without you, but I know that I must go on without you until we can be reunited. I hope you know I did what I thought was best for you. You were suffering and I love you too much to let that continue. I would have done anything to keep you here with me, but I know I could not. The tumor won. But you, my boy... won my heart. And it is yours forever. Please stay near me, our love connects each other. Eat a pig ear darling, and soon enough I will be there to hold it for you as you chew... I know you always loved that. I miss you... I love you.

Jenn, just a quick message from me as I have to continue with this hateful, hateful packing.
I know what you mean about Mondays; today is two weeks to the day since my Ryddley crossed over. Two whole weeks: an instant and a lifetime. I never liked Mondays, but now I hate them. It's unbearable and Mondays are unbearable. I don't know if the counting stops with out furry ones. I do know that when my Dad crossed over I counted incessently until one day I noticed that I had stopped counting. I don't stop thinking about him but aside from birthdays, Christmas and yesterday (Father's Day) I don't count anymore.
One thing I would say is to pace yourself. I think it's healthy and really admirable that you are moving on with your life and that you have given Freeway the freedom to go and enjoy his new life (I, selfishly, have not done the same thing; I keep begging Ryd to stay with me and visit me. I am not ready to let go, even though I know that's selfish of me and Ryd, if you are watching me type this, I am so sorry my lovely girlie, I just miss you far too much and I'm not dealing with this at all well).
However, don't put pressure on yourself; feel what you feel and give yourself time. Three weeks is very early so it's not surprising you feel all the things you expressed in your post. I know we all deal with these things in our own unique ways and in our own time, but if you feel raw and tearful and all of the things one feels, just know it's natural and allow yourself to feel it as part of the evolution of your grief and healing.
I do hope you got the PM I sent you yesterday and I am glad to see that you are deriving some comfort from having Freeway near you.
Wishing you peace. And Freeway, I hope you are having a grand old time, boy. From your mom's description of you, you are quite a chap and I am sure you are loving being healthy and lively again.
B
x

PS. My Ryddley could hear a tin being opened from behind closed doors and even on a different floor of the house. I know what you mean; when I open tins now I still expect to hear a familiar thud (as torty-pusscat jumps down off comfy couch) and see a little kitty-head poke around the door followed by an indignant miaouw, as though the contents of ALL tins everywhere should naturally be for her ladyship. Well, sweet girlie, if you were here now I would give you the contents of every tin I could find, I really would. And Jenn, it too breaks my heart....

Tuesday morning will be one week since I had Sandy P put to sleep. She was almost 16 years old, and she was my baby. Although she had a long, healthy, and happy life, and a peaceful death, I am still crying all the time. We brought her home and buried her under the living room window so I can look out and see her. I can't talk about this with people at work as most wouldn't understand. A friend of mine lost her 18 year-old son in a car accident Tuesday morning, and the funeral home guilted her into buying a very expensive casket. She had to hand over $10,000 for the funeral. I know that all my friends would think my loss trivial compared to that, but it still hurts so bad. I fell selfish and guilty, but I can't help my feelings. I have four other dogs, 2 geriatric ladies and 2 young men. When they are gone, I don't think I will have any more animals. It hurts too much to say good-bye (until later) to them. When I look at my other dogs now, I think how bad it's going to hurt when they go. I have seven dogs buried in my back yard now (thirty years worth!). I miss Sandy P so much. I know it will get better as I have been through this before, but I don't feel like it's getting better just yet. I think the trouble is we're not allowed to grieve properly. Life and work must go on. Work is especially hard because I haven't told anyone and I try to act normally, saving up my tears for when I get in the car to come home. Tomorrow morning at 8 oclock will be one week.........

Christine

Mondays are tough! And it is tough to go on with "normal" life when one of your dearest friends is no longer there. I had to put Opie to sleep Sunday June 12. I think I was in shock the first few days, I don't remember much. I trudged through the workday Monday. I misplaced $50. I mailed my electric bill payment to my mortgage company. So, last Monday was hard. Today is hard because it is the first day I came home alone. Until today I had someone with me, either my mother or a friend, come in the house with me and spend the evening. The thought of walking in the door without both of my "boys" to greet me was too much. The house was just too quiet without the tip-tap of his paws on the wood floor. I have Barney still, and I am afraid I am spoiling him with all the affection I lavish on him and now he doesn't have to share it. The house was just as quiet this evening as it has been all week. At least I don't panic at the thought of going to bed without my buddies at the foot. Barney is especially clingy and has now taken to sleeping under the covers and as high up as I will let him get. I know I am a bit of a mess, but it is taking a while to get over. It helped when I burried Opie at the lake this Saturday. Under some trees that he used to like to run through when we visited my dad. My sister had to put 17 year old Victor to sleep last Thanksgiving. She has decided to scatter his ashes where Opie is buried. They were buddies and I am glad they will be under the trees together. My stepmom made a little cross with Opie's name on it. We dug on that hole for 3 hours. It was worth it. He is worth it. It helps to read other stories and know that I am not overreacting. It helps to talk about it to people who understand and don't think I am looney. I could honestly go on and on with the feelings I have had over the last week (has it only been a week?!). I will say a prayer for the rest of you. I hope that I have shared something that has helped someone else with their pain. Take care and thank you all for sharing.

I can understand how you feel. It has been 2 weeks ago today that i had to have Brandy put to sleep. 2 weeks! It feels like a lifetime. I would give anything to have her back for just one more day. But from now on Monday's will be a hard day to get through. Tuesdays are also hard for me cause it is the day i had to have Furball put to sleep, just 24 hours later. Some day we will remember our furbabies and smile and we won't cry, we'll just have happy memories. But for now the pain is still new. I know what you mean when you said you feel almost guilty for smiling and laughing again. I too feel like that. Like how can i even think about getting on with my life, when my furbabies aren't here with me. But i know yours and mine wouldn't want us to be sad. There playing in green fields, eating all the treats they want and waiting for the day when we will be with them again, forever. You loved Freeway too much to let him suffer and he knows that. He will forever be in your heart, and his spirit is around you always.
Sleep well Freeway, Brandy and Furball.
Janet.

Brigid - I did get your PM and will answer it tomorrow. It often takes me a day or 2 to collect my thoughts.

He sure was a chap... a sweet old boy with more love than most humans feel in a lifetime... more wit then most humans have... And a stubborn mind of his own!!! And I know he is loving being healthy again... He used to love to run.. I can imagine he is running wildly again... refusing to stop... little ears flapping.. barking... oh my... How I miss him..
Tonight was hard. I had to excuse myself at work more than once to go to the bathroom just to calm down. The tears were flowing, and I knew I couldn't stop them. I too find it so hard to be in this house. Everytime I walk in I still expect to hear his nails on the hardwood floor as he runs to say hello... My heart sinks each time I realize my home is now petless. He used to pin me to the floor and smother my face in kisses.. then he'd calm down, walk around for a bit.. and run right back and do it again. Now I come home to silence.... Somehow, the silence is deafening.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, I hate how we are all connected in sorrow. But thankful to be understood, to not be all alone, and to know that one day, maybe my heart will feel a little more whole again.
Hugs to you all...
~Jenn

Jenn, I, too, had my baby put to sleep on Monday 8 weeks ago at 3:30 pm. For a long time I was always aware at 3:30. But now I don't always remember the time but always the day. Lisa