You see, it was supposed to be a really long time before I had to come out here again.
I guess I never really had left the board. I was still here, like a ghost reading others' posts. But I was supposed to continue in that mode for a long while, then gradually leave the board completely, gradually unmark it as a favorite, stop getting daily notifications in my home email box that somebody had started a new topic.... And then it was supposed to be years in the future when lightning struck me again.

But I guess that's the thing-- lightning strikes whenever....

I joined the board in Spring 2003. Actually, tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of saki's death. The irony just occurred to me. But I joined before that, when Freyja died on May 28, 2003. Then my Grandma died May 29, 2003 and Electra in December 2003. and I was supposed to be SAFE from death for awhile. That was my plan-- have I mentioned that?

Soon after everyone died, we began filling up the house with the pitter patters of feets and woofs and meows. We got Daphne and Velma the cats from a shelter. They are sisters and I guess look a lot a like. But Daphne's features were rounder and softer and she had the clearest, most caramel colored eyes I'd ever seen. And she had one peach foot-- that's what we pointed out to people who couldn't tell the sisters apart. We called that foot "the kung fu foot" because sometimes she'd kick it....

Daphne like to watch out the window and chatter at birds. She really wanted to be a hunter and when she played hunting games she was fierce. More than once when she bit my finger under a blanket, she'd twist it hard, trying to break the pretend mouse's neck. And she liked to climb to the top of the ladder whenever I had it out and sit on top with her fat rolls hanging over and swish her tail. And she liked to eat. And she liked me. And that was about it.

Soon after we got the sisters, she stopped liking Velma. She never liked Tim. Sometimes he and I would both try to downplay that, saying she was just a skittish cat that was afraid of him. But that's not true -- she didn't like him. She didn't like the dogs. She didn't like company.

The only creature in the world she liked was me. She'd sleep next to me in bed (on the outside, not between Tim and I). When I would go up the stairs, she'd always run up two or three steps ahead of me and cry for some petting -- which I always gave her. At the computer, if she were not sitting chattering at the birds, then she would be under the desk right by my feet.

She could be mean to other animals and people, but she never was to me. Sometimes, I have to admit, I was afraid of her. In particular, I was afraid at times to pick her up and put her someplace she didn't want to be. But even when I was nervous, I'd do it anyway, and she never hurt me, or even acted like she ever wanted to hurt me.

She was not a graceful cat and she never got used to having her claws. All of her life, she'd get them caught in things -- blankets, clothes, window screens, but most notably the carpet. It didn't matter if they were trimmed or anything. When she'd walk across the carpet, you'd here this velcro-like sound bc with each step, claws would get caught. Fortunately, she didn't like to claw at furniture....

So she was crabby and fat and clumsy, but she was MY cat and I loved her and I am sad that she is not here. She is not at my feet right now. She's not at the window. She's in some locker at some vet's.

I don't know what happened. She seemed fine earlier today. She's always seemed healthy. I was downstairs and Tim was taking a nap. And a little over an hour into his nap, he started screaming at me to come upstairs. I screamed back bc I could see absolutely no reason to yell at me like that. Then, AFTER I got off the toilet, I came upstairs and snarled "What the heck do you want????" And he pointed at Daphne, laying in front of my closet and said softly "Something's wrong with Daphne." Looking at her, I could tell already. But -- in hope... I went and knealt by her and pet her and felt for breath or heartbeat or something. But none was there.

Her claws, as always were embedded in the carpet......

I kept thinking she'd wake up. How does a less than 2 year old cat just keel over? She was FINE a few hours ago. I kept thinking she'd wake up. Meanwhile, I was calling places. It's saturday and my vet was not in, and I didn't want to keep her here over the weekend. So I was calling places and finally found one that could take her.

Tim brought me a box and a towel and I put her in it. I still kept thinking she'd wake up. Hell, I STILL AM THINKING SHE'S GOING TO WAKE UP!!!! Saki and Freyja and Electra all died of illness and old age and we had time to... prepare. That's a stupid word, you are never prepared, but.... we saw it coming. Daphne would not be two until July 14. How can she just --- die?????????

Could Velma have accidentally killed her?? If you knew Velma, you'd know it's not possible. When Daphne would beat up on her, all Velma ever did was run and hide. And the "beatings" were never serious. Never bites, just a few bloodless smacks.And Velma always submitted to her big sister.

Oh, sweet mean cat, what has happened to you? I am so sorry Miss Daphne-- I am so sorry if something was wrong and I didn't catch it. I am sorry that so many things made you so nervous. I am sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. I am going to miss you looking at me with those big round eyes, looking at me like "Puss in boots" in Shrek 2. I am going to miss you on the stairs, and by my side in the morning. I am going to miss being your one and only.

I've started my reply to your post over and over but I can't seem to find the words to express what I want to say to you. I've been kind of numb the last few days and your post hit a spot in my heart that made my emotions come back full-force. I needed it, I need to cry but it's overwhelming me right now. I want to reply to you now though because I know what you're going through although Duke's death wasn't sudden. Hopefully, this post will make sense despite my mental state at the moment.

I had to make the heart-breaking decision to get Duke put to sleep at 2 and a half years old because his aggression was getting worse despite my efforts to help him. No one could do anything with Duke; you always had to be careful around him. I was his favourite person but I was also the person whom he bit most often. At times, I was afraid of him but I'd always risk getting bitten to be close to him. He loved to be pet and get his belly rubbed but would sometimes bite without warning for no apparent reason. A lot of people avoided him because of his temperment but I loved him too much to do that. Some people didn't understand how I could love him. I didn't understand how anyone couldn't.

Your unconditional love for Daphne reminds me of mine for Duke. It's the strongest, best love you can give. Daphne and you were meant to be. She picked you as her person. I know Daphne must have sensed how much you love her. She was a lucky cat to have you as a mom.

Daphne is in a peaceful place now where things don't make her nervous and her nails don't get caught in the carpet. She'll wait patiently for you, "her one and only". One day you'll meet again.

Tracy

I am truly sorry that you lost Daphne. She sounds a lot like my Miss Kitty except Kitty does accept my wife. She dislikes all of the furkids, though. That spunkiness can be part of their charm. May Daphne have a safe trip to the Bridge.

It sounds like possibly a stroke or heart attack. Just like humans, cats occassionally have these suddenly and there is nothing that anyone can do to foresee it happening. I'm sure that Daphne passed away knowing that she was loved and wanted. That makes her a very fortunate cat and in her own way she appreciated that.

Thank you so much for your replies.

Tracy, I added a post on your topic. But you're right, she did choose me. And even tho she did not like Tim, sometimes I was baffled by the fact that Tim could not see how adorable she was.

Ken, your tribute to daddy cat is so loving. He sounds like the most wonderful cat, and I know how much you hurt in missing him. You gave him such a wonderful life, after his early life was so hard. Thank you.

I figure Daphne had a heart attack It's the best I can figure. I guess i coudl've had her autopsied to find out, but.... It was like she just fell over. Like she was just walking along and fell over....

Velma does not seem to be grieving. I've seen animals grieve. She's wandering around, more active than ever. But not in the grieving sense. It's more like "Look-- I am walking around in the middle of the room, and no one is kicking my ass!!!" Right now, she's looking out Daphne's window. daphne never let her look out the window...

Maybe life will be easier for Velma now.

But I still miss my Daphne.

Oh Jen you are so right, this should not be happening you should not be going through this again so soon.

I saw you name on the board and PMd you hey nice to see you around, then I found your post and it broke my heart.

I don’t know what to say to you, I wish I could reach across the Atlantic and give you a big cuddle and wrap you in a blanket of love and never let you out.

You know Daphne will be well received at Rainbow Bridge and ill be thinking of you and sending you healing and love.

She was obviously very special spiritually, she needed no one but you to help her learn her lesson and you were such a good teacher to have helped her learn whatever it was she needed to learn in just two short years.

I love you guys and give the other fur babies a hug from me.

Love Sue

Thank you, Sue, for the kind words. You've always known how to comfort me.

I keep looking at that picture of her.... In 2004, I made my own calendar, filled with photos of Saki and Electra and Freyja. So this year, I made my own calendar again, but this time with photos of Hathor and Chata (the dogs) and Daphne and Velma. And the picture for this month is the same one I posted. She was just a kitten then, hadn't gotten so fat. Her eyes really were that color, too. And she had the cutest little nose I've ever seen. I love that picture.

In that picture she looks to me how she was inside. Beyond her crabby exterior. She looks like a cute sweet cuddly innocent kitty.

We named them Daphne & Velma bc we already had hathor and Hathor reminds us so much of Scooby Doo. But "Daphne" soon eroded into "Daffy" bc she was nuts!!! Once she jumped from the top of the stair case to the floor bc Tim walked past her (he was like 6 feet away).

The shelter we got her fromhas a good foster program. Daphne and Velma were born in the home of this one foster-mom, and I've kept in touch with her. She loved Daphne. More than Velma. I could tell it was hard for her to give Daphne up. And I haven't told her yet. I know I need to, but.... I just don't know how to tell her.

This is the picture for July:

I just realized something.

The reason I am hesitant to tell Daphne's former foster mom that Daphne has passed on is because I feel guilty.

Somwhere inside of me I am "certain" that my sweet mean cat died because I did something wrong. She must've been sick or eaten something or SOMETHING that is MY FAULT.... And if I'd been a better Mom she would not have died at such a tender age.

And when I tell Sherrie, she's going to know that Daphne died bc I am a terrible evil stupid mom.

I know sorta that these feelings are irrational, but I feel them none the less.

No, no, no, no, no! You really must not believe that nor must you do that to yourself. Just reading your postings it is absolutely clear that you loved and love Daphne. It is nothing you did or did not do, you really must believe that. Sometimes, confusingly, there are just no clear answers. Sometimes those we love pass over long before is reasonable or expected and often there are just no clear answers. Poor little Daphne may have suffered from a malady that she hid very well. My vet told me when Ryd crossed over (I was horrified because her deterioration and death were so incredibly rapid) that cats are very, very good at hiding their illnesses and maybe she didn't let you know. That MAY be the case or maybe something happened very suddenly.
Have you asked your vet for their opinion? Perhaps they can offer some medical insight. Could Daphne have swallowed something that caused an obstruction? Could she have had any access to any poison? Sometimes people who don't have animals use insecticides or pesticides that are harmful to cats without knowing that this is so. Could she have been rooting around in somebody's garden that might have had pesticides in it? I certainly don't have the answers you seek, sorry, but what I am saying is that there are so many reasons why our furries can cross over prematurely, however rotten and cruel it is that it happens. What I DO know, is that it ISN'T you. From everything you have written you love all your animals with a generosity of spirit that is big and all-ecompassing. Your pictures display -fantastically, I might add- animals who are extremely content and happy and so very happy all together.
I am not certain of much in this life, this is true, but I am CERTAIN you gave Daphne love and a superb, stable, happy home and her passing, through tragic, was not due to anything you did or did not do. Believe this because it is true.
Love
B
x

You have these feelings and thoughts because you are a loving person, look at them guys talk about comfortable I hope you are content with the floor, maybe they let you have the spot just in front of the fire.

It took guts for you to take on more pets after those awful months two years ago and you took them on because you have a good heart and are a very good mother, look how Chata just came to be in your life you didn’t have to go looking they come find you.

I know today is especially hard leave it till your ready to tell the foster mum, shell understand and she will tell you the same as we are, there was nothing you could do, you are only human.

Lots of love and hugs
Sue

I've racked my brain trying to figure it out.

We don't have any live plants -- they're all fake bc 1) I have black thumbs, and 2) I don't want the animals eating them.

No poisons that I know of. We have not had any bugs, so I have not used any bug chemicals in the house.

Daphne never went outside, so nothing there. Actually, for the past month she's been living in one half of the house while Banshee (the siamese we rescued in April) lives in the other half. They didn't get along so we were working on that. But I know Banshee didn't get in here. Nor did the dogs, although the dogs are both VERY respectful of cats.

Anyway, in this side of the house, there are no medications or.... anything.

Also with poisons it seems she would've vomited or had diarrhea or something....

The vet was stumped. We've had the same vet for 16 years or something like that (he's great). He did say that something similar happened to him once, he had a young and seemingly health cat that just died....

I did ask him if he thought Velma could've gotten one lucky smack in. He didn't think that was possible. The only injury I could see her suffering is if she fell down the stairs. But based on where her body was, I don't think that is possible. It was like she was looking into my closet and just fell over face first.

She wasn't acting diabetic-- Saki was diabetic so I know what that looks like. It didn't look like kidney failure-- Electra had kidney failure in her old age; I know what that looks like. Electra was born FIV and she lived to be nearly 16.

I know the guilt is "irrational". But... somehow this is still my fault....

I did find an urn for her yesterday. I looked for hours, knowing the right one was out there and i finally found it.

In this picture, Daphne is sniffing Hathor's toe while Velma watches....

Please don't beat yourself up over Daphne's passing, it's hard enough just dealing with them being gone without trying to find a reason to blame ourselves for it. We are all so good at that, ya know? Sometimes, just like with people, terrible things happen to our precious babies that cannot be explained. They, too, can have an aneurysm (which sounds like a strong possibility in her case), stroke, heart attack, etc., without warning and no fault of your own. It sounds like little Daphne could be quite a character, and I'm just glad she was loved by such a wonderful mommy during her stay here in our physical world. Your other babies look so happy and that is a testiment as to the love and care you give them. I have no doubts that Daphne's passing was nothing you could have prevented. Her job here was done, and once they earn those angel wings, nothing we can do will keep them here.
Love,
Kim

Well, I finally told Sherrie and she did not tell me how stupid and evil I was. She reminded me that Daphne was the runt in a litter of 8 from a small mom. She reminded me of how small Daphne was as a kitten. So maybe her organs weren't strong....

I feel like an old veteran onthis site. How many times have I posted to others' about their guilt, telling them it's not their fault???? So I **KNOW** the guilt is irrational, but....

I suppose it could be a control issue. I stillhave 4 wonderful fur babies and if if I have control over their deaths then I can make it so none of them ever dies. How's that for irrational????

I am so over protective of them. We got them so soon after the others died. And I feel like I had just gotten to the point where I didn't freak out over every little thing. And now I feel all paranoid again.

I think we have to go through the guilt thing, time and again I read of people who have absolutely no reason to feel guilty beating themselves up.

We as humans look to control everything so when we can’t control the death of someone we love then surely it must be our fault.

Then inevitably comes the anger.

Its all part of the grieving process and has to be worked through one step at a time, there’s no shortcuts if you find one you only have to go back later on and do it anyway.

I've been watching on here for two years now and there are those that SEEM to get over it quicker, but are they just burying the pain till a later date, I think so and then one day you stub your toe and your world falls apart because you have all these unfinished issues.

Don’t beat yourself up thinking you should know how to handle this, this time its different, no warnings just bamb out of the blue.

Look in the mirror and say to yourself ‘I love you, its ok to grieve’.

Anyways I love you

Keep well, I'm going away for a few days but you will not be out of my thoughts.

Love Sue

Hi Jennifer,

When Qorqui was killed, I took the road through blaming myself too.

For weeks I kept thinking that if I had only gone home at lunch time (45 miles round trip), or hadn't gone to work at all that day, she'd still be alive. It HAD to be MY fault because I promised her that I'd never let anything happen to her, and now she's gone. My mind knew full well that I can't control everything that could ever possibly happen, especially when I'm not even there, but my heart kept tellimg me that I broke my promise to her. A hundred times I must have sat by her grave and told her how sorry I was that I didn't protect her, and begged her to please forgive me. All the while a sobbing mess.

My point is, things will happen, and quite often, as much as we'd like, there's nothing any of us can do about it. It's not anyones fault, it's nothing that could or should have been done different or better or anything. It just is. And knowing this isn't always enough either. I knew that I had to go to work in order to be able to provide a good home for my furries, but my heart had completely different ideas. It takes time, and it doesn't happen all at once, but eventually your heart and mind will come to terms they both can live with. In the mean time, try not to beat yourself up.

Tim

DJ posted this in the tribute page a couple of years ago. I've never been able to read it without sobbing.

When Saki & Freyja and Electra died, and then we got new pets, I always thought of this story "I am choosing tears... I am choosing tears.... I am choosing tears...." I knew some day they would die. (As odd as it may seem, when I got Saki and Freyja and Electra, it NEVER occurred to me that they might die some day....).

Early on, I thought about their deaths constantly-- the new ones. So morbid.
I feel like I only just got comfortable when Daphne passed on.

I think of this story and at least I know WHY I do this to myself. I CHOOSE TEARS.


The Story of Little Orange Boy

The little orange boy woke up on the edge of a pond. Behind him, kitties and puppies were playing, chasing each other and wrestling in the warm sunshine. It looked like so much fun, but in front of him, through the clear stillness of the pond's water, he could see his Mommy.

His Mommy was crying.

He pawed at the water, trying to get at her, and when that didn't work, he jumped into the shallow water. All that got him was wet and Mommy's image danced away in the ripples. "Mommy!" he cried.

"Is something wrong?"

The little orange boy turned around. A beautiful lady was standing at the edge of the pond, her eyes sad but filled with love. The little orange boy whined and walked out of the water.

"There's been a mistake," he said. "I'm not supposed to be here." He looked back at the water. It was starting to still again and his mommy's image was coming back. "I'm just a baby. Mommy said it had to be a mistake. She said I wasn't supposed to come here yet."

The kind lady sighed and sat down on the grass. The little orange boy climbed into her lap. It wasn't Mommy's lap, but it was almost as good. When she started to pet him and skritch under his chin where he liked, he started to purr. He hadn't wanted to, but he couldn't help it.

"I'm afraid there is no mistake. You are supposed to be here and your Mommy knows it deep down in her heart," the lady said.

The little orange boy sighed and laid his head on the lady's leg. "But she's so sad. It hurts me to see her cry. And Daddy too."

"But they knew right from the beginning this would happen."

"That I was sick?" That surprised the little orange boy. No one had ever said anything and he had listened when they thought he was sleeping. All he had heard them talk about was how cute he was or how fast he was or how big he was getting.

"No, not that you were sick," the lady said. "But you see, they chose tears."

"No they didn't," the little orange boy argued. Who would choose to cry?

The lady gently brushed the top of his head with a kiss. It made him feel safe and loved and warm - but he still worried about his Mommy

"Let me tell you a story," the lady said.

The little orange boy looked up and saw other animals gathering around. Cats - Big Boy and Snowball and Shamus and Abby and little Cleo and Robin. Merlin and Toby and Iggy and Zachary. Sweetie and Kamatte and OBie. Dogs too - Sally and Baby and Morgan and Rocky and Belle. Even a lizard named Clyde and some rats named Saffron and Becky, a rabbit named Dot and a hamster named Odo. They all lay down near the kind lady and looked up at her, waiting.

She smiled at them and began:

A long long time ago, the Loving Ones went to the Angel in Charge. They were lonesome and asked the angel to help them.

The angel took them to a wall of windows and let them look out the first window at all sorts of things - dolls and stuffed animals and cars and toys and sporting events.

"Here are things you can love," the angel said. "They will keep you from being lonesome."

"Oh, thank you," the Loving Ones said. "These are just what we need."

"You have chosen Pleasure," the angel told them.

But after a time the Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge. "Things are okay to love," they said. "But they don't care that we love them."

The Angel in Charge led them over to the second window. It looked out at all sorts of wild animals. "Here are animals to love," he said. "They will know you love them."

So the Loving Ones hurried out to care for the wild animals. "You have chosen Satisfaction," the angel said.

Some of the Loving Ones worked at zoos and wild animal preserves, some just had bird feeders in their yards, but after a time they all came back to the Angel in Charge. "They know we love them," they told the angel. "But they don't love us back. We want to be loved in return."

So the angel took them to the third window and showed them lots of people walking around, hurrying places. "Here are other people for you to love," the angel told them.

So the Loving Ones hurried off to find other people to love. "You have chosen Commitment," the angel said.

But after a time a lot of Loving Ones came back to the Angel in Charge. "People were okay to love," they said. "But sometimes they stopped loving us and left. They broke our hearts."

The angel just shook his head. "I cannot help you," he said. "You will have to be satisfied with the choices I gave you."

As the Loving Ones were leaving, one saw a window off to one side and hurried to look out. Through it, they could see puppies and kittens and dogs and cats and lizards and hamsters and ferrets. The other Loving Ones hurried over. "What about these?" they asked.

But the angel just tried to shoo them away. "Those are Personal Empathy Trainers," he said. "But there's a problem with their system operations."

"Would they know that we love them?" someone asked.

"Yes," the angel said.

"Will they stop lovng us?" someone else asked.

"No," the angel admitted. "They will love you forever."

"Then these are what we want," the Loving Ones said.

But the angel was very upset. "You don't understand," he told them. "you will have to feed these animals."

"That's all right," the Loving Ones said.

"You will have to clean up after them and take care of them forever."

"We don't care."

The Loving Ones did not listen. They went down to where the PETS were and picked them up, seeing the love in their own hearts reflected in the animals' eyes.

"They were not programmed right," the angel said. "We can't offer a warranty. We don't know how durable they are. Some of their systems malfunction very quickly, others last a long time."

But the Loving Ones did not care. They were holding the warm little bodies and finding their hearts so filled with love that they thought they would burst. "We will take our chances," they said.

"You do not understand." The angel tried one more time. "They are so dependent on you that even the most well-made of them is not designed to outlive you. You are destined to suffer their loss."

The Loving Ones looked at the sweetness in their arms and nodded. "That is how it should be. It is a fair trade for the love they offer."

The angel just watched them all go, shaking his head. "You have chosen Tears," he whispered.
___________________________________________

"So it is," the kind lady told the little ones. "And so each Mommy and Daddy knows. When they take a baby into their heart, they know that one day it will leave them and they will cry."

The little orange boy sat up. "So why do they take us in?" he asked.

"Because even a moment of your love is worth years of pain."

"Oh." The little orange boy got off the lady's lap and went back to the edge of the pond. His Mommy was still there, and still crying. "Will she ever stop crying?" he asked the kind lady.

She nodded. "You see, the Angel felt sorry for the Loving Ones, knowing how much they would suffer. He couldn't take the tears away but he made them special."

She dipped her hand into the pond and let the water trickle off her fingers. "He made them healing tears, formed from the special water here. Each tear holds bits of all the happy times of purring and petting and shared love. And the promise of love once again. As your Mommy cries, she is healing."

"It may take a long while, but the tears will help her feel better. In time she will be less sad and she will smile when she thinks of you. And then she will open her heart again to another little baby."

"But then she will cry again one day," the little orange boy said.

The lady just smiled at him as she got to her feet. "No, she will love again. That is all she will think about. That is all that truly matters." She picked up Big Boy and Snowball and gave them hugs, then scratched Morgan's ear just how she liked.

"Look," she said. "The butterflies have come. Shall we go over to play?"

The other animals all ran ahead, but the little orange boy wasn't ready to leave his Mommy. "Will I ever get to be with her again?"

The kind lady nodded. "You'll be in the eyes of every kitty she looks at. You'll be in the purr of every cat she pets. And late at night, when she's fast asleep, your spirit will snuggle up close to her and you both will feel at peace. One day soon, you can even send her a rainbow to tell her you're safe and waiting here for when it's her turn to come. And a long, long time from now - you'll find her standing at the side of the pond waiting for you when you finish playing."

"I would like that," the little orange boy said and took one long look at his Mommy. He saw her smile slightly through her tears and he knew she had remembered the time he almost fell into the bathtub.

"I love you Mommy, he whispered. "It's okay if you cry." He glanced over at the others running and playing and laughing with the butterflies. "Uh, Mommy? I gotta go play now, okay? But I'll be around, I promise."

Then Jesse turned and raced after the others.

Well, daphne's urn arrived today.

For some reason, I was shocked. Didn't she just pass on yesterday????? I guess it will be a week tomorrow.

So I was sitting in the living room, holding Banshee in one hand and the urn in the other and trying not to cry. And I remembered something I figured out last time....

It took me a LONG time to get that point -- where I could figure ANYTHING out. There are no words for the devastating pain of their losses. But at some point it occurred to me that while their deaths were heartwrenching, they were also "right" in some sense.

Freyja, even tho she was only 14, was an old 14 and had a variety of ailments in her last years. And as she aged I began to realize that at some point I would have to help her on her way. I can't explain that, except I guess I knew my Frey would never leave us willingly.... And I remember I would pray that the powers that be would somehow let me know when it was time, bc I would never be willing to guess at such a thing. Every morning she still did her little (now arthritic) breakfast dance, and I knew that as long as she could do that dance, I would never be able to do it. And so my prayer was answered (sorta) when she had that paralyzing stroke. Then there was no question about the fact that I had to help her.... even tho doing so about killed me.

Right after that... I was already on this board by that time. anyway, we found out that Saki, who was 12 and had been diabetic for a couple of years (with 2x a day injections) had liver cancer. Saki and I had the deepest bond.... She was extraoridnarily special to me. So... she was doing "ok" sorta -- still eating and drinking and litter stuff. She'd still cry for me to hold her. But she was getting pretty bad off. And on June 19, 2003, in the morning, Tim said, "you need to call the vet." And I said "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." I refused to do it. I said he could if he felt it was right. But I had called for Frey. So that afternoon amongst many tears I had the longest talk with Saki and gave her permission to go. Sobbing throughout. And I brushed her which she always loved and saved some of her hair to keep. And I took a nap and she died in my arms.

Electra missed them desperately for the next 6 months. She deteriorated without her friends who she'd grown up with. She lost weight, first slowly then more rapidly. And in the last week of her life, she'd cry at me, and it was like she was asking me to let her go. So I did. We took her to the vet and he injected her and she went so peacefully. It was so gentle, like she was relieved.

And then there is Daphne, and right now that does not make sense to me. It hasn't even been a week, of course it makes no sense. Velma seems relieved. Maybe daphne just was not meant to be here for very long.

I don't know.

First off I want to say I'm so sorry about Daphne's passing. She was such a cute little girl and it sounds like you two had a very special relationship. I thought I had responded to you when you first posted, but recently I've been caught up in my own grief which has caused me to miss some posts. I lost my dog, Shiloh, in September and now I'm dealing with the loss of my kitty, Hobbie. I know how devastated I feel having lost 2 furbabies in less than a year, I can only imagine how you must've felt losing 3 in the span of 6 months...and now Daphne. I'm very sorry.

I read the story of the Orange boy in the tributes section several months ago...what a touching and tear jerking story. Thank you for posting it here.

Hugs,
Kathleen

My heart goes out to you for your loss. Losing a pet so young has to be so heart-breaking, especially without knowing why. From your posts, I'm sure you would have done everything to prevent this if you could. It was just out of your control. You sound like a very loving and supportive person.

She was beautiful, and I love all the pictures you have posted. You and Tim must have huge hearts to give love to all of them.

I loved the "Little Orange Boy" post also. I have not read that. As much as I would like to spend more time on this board, I just don't always have the time. Actually that hit me reading the story when Abby was mentioned. Abby was my dog, even though they refer to her as a cat in the story. It was kind of ironic, because my kitten who has been "in hiding" most of the day, appeared and actually kind of startled me while I was reading that. Since then, he now has disappeared again.

Your Daphne reminds me of my Abby. Abby loved me, and only tolerated others. Many that came over were frightened of her, and she definetely could tell who those were. She never harmed anyone, and I miss her barking at my husband when he comes home (which was not the friendliest bark), just as how Daphne sounded like she acted with your husband. She also was at my side constantly.

It is so hard to lose your pet at any age, but for her being so young, it makes it all that much harder, especially since there were no signs.

I will be thinking of you and Daphne.

Midwest

Kathleen:
First let me say that I am so sorry about your loss of Hobbie and Shiloh. It hurts so much to lose more than one.... Second: I love your avatar! What darling babies.
Third: you don't have to wear yourself out replying to every post! It's ok to just feel your own grief....Both sadly and fortuantely there are a lot of people out here, and we do a pretty good job (I think) of taking care of each other. So don't you take on all the responsibility.

Midwest: I am sorry about Abby. I've actually gotten a lot of comfort from hearing from people who loved their crabby creatures. Somehow, loving somone who is not always lovable is-- different....

Here's a not-so-funny Daphne story. As soon as she started sleeping with us, many nights I'd awake to her trying to claw my eyes out! She never actually drew blood on my eyelids (although sometimes I'd get up in the morning to find other scratches on my face). But she would pop me in the eye with her claws extended. At first I thought she was trying to catch the "mouse" under my eyelid during rem sleep. But later she'd do it when I was awake and just lying in bed with her. I'd scold her and she'd just look at me like "Yeah? Screw you-- I'll claw your eyes out while you sleep..."

Ok, so the story is not so funny, but it still makes me laugh.

I saw Jimmy Stewart recite this poem he wrote for his dog Beau years ago on the Tonight Show. I sobbed when he recited it, and never forgot it. Clearly, Jimmy understood....

"Beau"
by Jimmy Stewart
He never came to me when I would call
Unless I had a tennis ball,
Or he felt like it,
But mostly he didn't come at all.
When he was young
He never learned to heel
Or sit or stay,
He did things his way.
Discipline was not his bag
But when you were with him things sure didn't drag.
He'd dig up a rosebush just to spite me,
And when I'd grab him, he'd turn and bite me.
He bit lots of folks from day to day,
The delivery boy was his favorite prey.
The gas man wouldn't read our meter,
He said we owned a real man-eater.
He set the house on fire
But the story's long to tell.
Suffice it to say that he survived
And the house survived as well.
On the evening walks, and Gloria took him,
He was always first out the door.
The Old One and I brought up the rear
Because our bones were sore.
He would charge up the street with Mom hanging on,
What a beautiful pair they were!
And if it was still light and the tourists were out,
They created a bit of a stir.
But every once in a while, he would stop in his tracks
And with a frown on his face look around.
It was just to make sure that the Old One was there
And would follow him where he was bound.
We are early-to-bedders at our house--
I guess I'm the first to retire.
And as I'd leave the room he'd look at me
And get up from his place by the fire.
He knew where the tennis balls were upstairs,
And I'd give him one for a while.
He would push it under the bed with his nose
And I'd fish it out with a smile.
And before very long
He'd tire of the ball
And be asleep in his corner
In no time at all.
And there were nights when I'd feel him
Climb upon our bed
And lie between us,
And I'd pat his head.
And there were nights when I'd feel this stare
And I'd wake up and he'd be sitting there
And I reach out my hand and stroke his hair.
And sometimes I'd feel him sigh
and I think I know the reason why.
He would wake up at night
And he would have this fear
Of the dark, of life, of lots of things,
And he'd be glad to have me near.
And now he's dead.
And there are nights when I think I feel him
Climb upon our bed and lie between us,
And I pat his head.
And there are nights when I think
I feel that stare
And I reach out my hand to stroke his hair,
But he's not there.
Oh, how I wish that wasn't so,
I'll always love a dog named Beau.

This poem was taken from Jimmy Stewart and His Poems by Jimmy Stewart, a short collection of poems published by Crown Publishers, Inc. in 1989. To order this book, call the Full Circle Book Store at 1-800-683-READ. Refer to ISBN number 0-517-57382-2. It's a little illustrated hardback that costs about $12. You can also order the book on audio cassette tape (Random House (Audio), October 1990; ISBN: 0394587723) read by Jimmy himself.

So I have become completely and totally paranoid.

yesterday, Banshee was smacking her lips. So I was sure she needed to go to the vet.

hathor was being a bit more clingy than usual, so i wanted to take her to the vet too. I actually spent about an hour, repeatedly measuring hathor's respiration rate. Then I would compare it to Chata's. Then to mine.

Velma of course needs to go to the vet just by virtue of being Daphne's sister (actually, as I am typing this, I am watching her respiration rate....)

Chata seems fine. Too fine. She must be hiding something from me. She needs to go to the vet.

It was all I could do yesterday to keep from loading the whole gang in the car and taking them all to the vet.

I just got done reading the "I choose tears" story and It has made me cry so hard I have woke up my baby from her nap. I just wanted to say although it really brought on the tears, it has brought me comfort on this 11 month bridge day for my Sasha....thank you for sharing. I would like to say more, but I need to go tend to my daughter now...
Kim

I feel like sharing Chata's story.

In the photo on this thread, chata is the Australian Shepherd looking dog.

Soon after we got Hathor in July 2003, we met one of our neighbors, who I will call "b." We didn't have a fenced yard at first, so we'd go outside with Hathor. we are avid porch sitters, and discovered quickly that Hathor also appreciated this past time. We kept her on a tie out. We lived on a busy street-- half commercial half residential.

So B had a puppy, too, just a few months older than hathor, so at first B took to bringing Chata (the puppy) by for play dates. Chata and Hathor became best friends.

But B let Chata roam free. Even though we lived on a busy street and Chata lived across theat busy street. My body clenched every time I saw Chata out, crossing the road. I was certain she would get hit by one of the many speeding cars on the road.

Chata soon became a frequent visitor at our house-- without B-- as she was allowed to roam freely. It was so funny -- she would come over and literally knock on the door. We had had a fence put up, so I would lead her through the house, and let her and Hathor out in the backyard to play.

Oftentimes, while going through the house, Chata would stop in the kitchen and eat Hathor's food. We always let her eat her fill. B was somewhat of a "free spirit" and didn't have much money and we worried that she didn't always feed Chata....

Then one day, a mutual friend (of B's and mine) told me that B had up and left town. Gone to another state thousands of miles away. And left Chata behind. I wanted to kill that B! I cried bc no one seemed to know for certain where Chata was.

So I put up fliers. I distributed them around the neighborhood and to our mutual acquaintances. And within a day or two, someone called and delivered Chata to us.

Chata gained probably 20 pounds quickly after we got her. I really don't think that B was feeding her well. And I learned from our mutual acquaintances that Chata had been frequently picked up by the pound -- we have leash laws here, dogs are not allowed to roam free.

We got her microchipped. And we moved to a different house.

Right after we moved we ran into to that B. She wanted to see Chata. But we didn't let her.

Chata now romps and plays in a big back yard. She and Hathor on inseparable (they really hate it when we separate them). Chata is much more mature and serious than Hathor. Chata is so happy to be home. She digs like mad, but never at the fence's edge, like Hathor. Chata knows that out in the world is not nearly a good a place to be as home. She loves air conditioning and heating. She hates going anywhere -- even fun places like parks (although she does like riding in the car). She always looks at us like "yeah, nice-- can we go home now????"

I love chata. I feel so lucky to have her.

I call all of my animals "rescues" even tho Chata didn't come from a humane society like the others.

And I hope B, wherever she is now, has not gotten ahold of any new animals.