Hi Everyone,

I'm not sure how this site really works, but I really need someone to talk to. Has anyone ever put a pet to sleep? And if so, did you feel as guilty and empty as I do right now? I have a huge battle going on right now.

Putty was diagnosed with kidney failure a little over a year ago. I had to give her Sub-Q IV fluids and she was on A special diet. She was doing really good until I left for 3 weeks due to work training. I've only been home for 12 days, and today I put her to sleep. She was to the point where she was not eating, drinking, and her breathing was very labored. She also could not move around more than a few steps, and could not control her bladder. She would not even let me hold her or touch her, due to her pain. The vet told me today that she diidn't look as bad as he thought she would, And I looked at him in horror, as he quickly tried to say, "oh, but that does not mean anything".I feel as if this vet did not give me enough options, and it was only when I could see clearly that I knew I could have tried other things. That is the hardest part of all this. i knew that at some point I would have to put her to sleep, and if I felt like I did everything possible to try to save her, I think that I would sleep better at night. I'm also filled with guilt because I did not spend enough time with her before she left. i was so overwhelmed, and out of my right state of mind, Plus, I have a new job, and they don't allow people time off unless a "person" dies, so I had to schedule her death due my stupid job. the lady I talked to at work was so mean and insensitive, she didn't even believe my story. So, I made this decision so quickly based on not loosing my job. They would not even give me one day off to grieve. I had to work last night and literally shake the awful thoughts out of head, due to that my job is protecting people's safety. My captain was even rude to me last night, and I wanted to scream, "LEAVE ME ALONE, I JUST LOST MY BEST FRIEND!!!!!!" I'm finding that my grief goes in cycles, like a rollarcoaster. One minute I'm trying to think positive, the next minute I feel like I'm going to stop breathing from my pain. The look that Putty gave me in those last few seconds before she died is still haunting me. She let out a cry before she left and gave me this awful look as if saying"what are you doing to me"? i am traumatized, feeling that I made the wrong decision. Can anyone relate to this story? UPDATE: I want to thank the kind people who have reached out to me on this site, even through your own grief. It is so comforting knowing that there are such wonderful people out there. I just added some new thoughts and feelings to this post, it may be jumbled, but I don't have the energy to modify it better. May we all find solace in our days of intense grief.

angel,
Unfortunately, I can relate.. as can many of us here. I put Freeway to sleep nearly 3 weeks ago. He had a tumor which was compromising his quality of life. I did everything I could, and kept him alive as long as possible... until one day I knew I just couldn't do anymore... The tumor grew so much that he couldn't eat or drink as he'd choke, he couldn't lay down as the pressure was just too great, and he was just one miserable, suffering little boy. I had known for about 3 months that eventually the day would come as the vet said we would not be lucky and have him go in his sleep on his own (seems odd to put the word 'lucky' in that sentence, but I know what he meant) and that eventually to stop his suffering he'd have to be put down.

It is the single most difficult decision anyone could ever make - and at the same time, also the best. I felt very guilty about putting him to sleep. I still do. He was so glad to see the vet (and he hated vets) because he felt the vet would help him... instead I let him kill him. It is something I struggle with to this day and probably will forever. He yelped at the needle and continued yelping until he slumped over and died. That image will never leave me. And it will never not break my heart. But I know that had I left him here, he'd be in a great deal of pain and not at all happy.

I truly believe he is in a better place, happy, healthy, tumor free... young again. It doesn't make the hurt any less, I still consider myself to be in the early stages of grief, and yes having to have made the deicision to put your pet down, I believe, does make the grief longer and harder... The guilt is so much more intense.

Putty, too, was suffering... Think about her condition and think about if you would want to live that way.. of course not... she may not have known what was happening or why, but I can assure you that she doesn't care now... She's young again, healthy, happy... You did the best thing you could possibly have done for her. I know it doesn't feel that way. But you did. Sometimes our greatest acts of love for our pets are in letting them go. I would rather be suffering myself today, as I most definitely am, then to have Freeway here suffering instead. He deserved better than that.

I wish I had more powerful words of encouragment... But know you are not alone.... many of us have been there and are there now... We are all grieving together and truly do understand, when the rest of the world really doesn't seem to.
Thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers are you walk thru the next few days and weeks.

Angel,
I really feel for you right now. Putting a pet to sleep is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. We always question ourselves after. Did we put him/her to sleep too soon. Did i not put him/her to sleep soon enough. Were they afraid. We have a lot of guilt after and a lot of questions.
I had to have my 13 year old Australian Shepherd put to sleep 10 days ago, and it's one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. But i knew it was the thing to do, she was suffering and i couldn't see her go through that. Then the next day i had to have my 12 year old siamese cat put to sleep. She was attacked by a dog and it broke her pelvis. I thought i was living in a nightmare, to lose my two babies was so hard. So i had double the guilt. You said the look she gave you before she died has haunted you all day. We go through everything over and over in our minds, down to the last minute. When we should be remembering all the years we had together, the love we gave each other. Your Putty may be gone in body, but her spirit is with you all the time. And she'll be watching over you and waiting for the day when you can be together again. I'll keep you in my prayers. Just remember if it gets too bad for you, to come to this web site. Everybody here has been through the same thing your going through, and will always be here to listen.
Janet.

I just joined the forum because I just put my friend of 20 years, Mandy (aka MandyCat), to sleep this morning, and can't stop thinking that I should have waited, and can't stop crying. I think now that she would have been fine with some sub q hydration, which worked a few months ago. I knew she needed hydration again for the past week but had a flu bug and put it off, as she was eating and drinking, just getting harder stools. Then she threw up, started urinating outside the litter and this morning pooped in several places and on herself. Her normally loud yowling was soft and weak and she was noticeably weak, although still able to walk, although wobbly. I took her in to the vet's and asked her opinion and, while saying it had to be my choice, she indicated it would be better to put her down, that she was slowing starving, now down to 5.5 pounds, and that there was no way to reverse her condition. I asked if the hydration would improve her weight (meaning that she wouldn't have the discomfort of starving) and she thought I meant from adding the fluids, while I was thinking Mandy's appetite would pick up, as it did a few months ago. (Her renal values had been pretty poor, but not imminently life-threatening then, so they said to try the fluids and see if she picked up. They had asked me to consider euthanasia at that point.) Anyway, she said the extra weight from hydration would be insignificant, and that she hated seeing cats that got down to 3 pounds before their owners realized what was happening to them. I had taken my migraine meds and wasn't at my most logical, having slept on the floor with Mandy last night. If I was more logical I think I would have taken her home to think about it, as another day wouldn't have made so much difference. I was trying so hard to separate whether I wanted to keep her alive out of selfish reasons and that I didn't want her to suffer, that I didn't think clearly that she might only be suffering from dehydration and that the kidney issue might not be causing her that much discomfort if she was better hydrated. Her quality of life hasn't been like that of her youth for the last few years, she slept most of the time, then periodically, especially when I was trying to sleep, would start pacing and yowling, really loudly, but she would jump on my bed part of the time to sleep and seemed to still enjoy being held and petted, although she would lose interest at a point and then wander again. Now I think that maybe all the years she was yowling she was confused from a low-level hydration that might have been fixable and not senility.

When they started the injection, she tried to sit up and butted me hard with her head, rubbing my hand, which was her normal way of being affectionate, and I wanted to scream to "Please stop this!" I now understand why people freeze their pets because every time I walked away from her body I started crying. I took my dog out for the rest of the afternoon and evening as I couldn't bear to be in my apartment without her. Now that I have to be here (it's 2:00 am) I can't stand it and hate myself for not waiting to be sure about the euthanasia. I've known that she was winding down and probably wouldn't have made it past this year, but I think she would have been reasonably comfortable for a few more months, and maybe even improved a little if she had regular sub q fluids.

I've been going through sites on elderly cats and everything I read makes me think that this was premature and that I should have tried harder to help her get past this. I don't think now that she was suffering that much except for a temporary state that could have been helped with fluids. I wanted so much to be fair to her and keep her from suffering and now I feel like I failed her. I want to undo time and bring her back.

I don't know if this is any help for you and your pain with Putty, but it was helpful to me to read the posts here. I don't know if I could if I could bear what Janet's going through.

It is the toughest thing in the world to euthanize a dear friend, but this is the responsibility we take on when we adopt a furkid. Though it breaks your heart at the time, it is the final act of kindness we do to prevent more suffering. When the quality of life is so poor that the good days are past then it is time to say goodbye. You did the compassionate thing and the guilt you feel is a displaced feeling of deep sorrow over your loss. Keep Putty in your heart and know that you provided an
excellent life for your angel kitty and gave Putty much happiness.

Hi Angel it must be so hard having to go on with life without a chance to grieve your Putty privately for a while. I remember once bringing my sick cat Doodles (many years ago) home from a vet visit knowing she was in her final days or weeks. A woman cut me off where the road narrows to two lanes and made a rude gesture. I pulled over as soon as I could and just cried for a while, I was so frustrated and hurt. Part of me wanted her to see me so upset so she would apologize, but looking back I don't think that really would have made me feel any better.

Please don't blame yourself for Putty - I think you did a very brave and noble thing, to help her go and to ease her suffering. I just lost my cat, Cinnamon, to kidney failure too, and it was hard to make that choice. But in the end I decided I would rather let her go while she still felt like a kitty, and still had moments where she could be distracted and show interest in things, rather than to keep her alive beyond that point.

I am not sure what happened with the cry - that has not happened to me yet - but it did occur to me that I once did something like that when I was going under for an endoscopy. Apparently I was awake for most of it, but I don't remember a thing - the last thing I recalled was when they injected the anesthetic, I remember saying "Hey! That stings!" The feeling literally lasted for a second before everything faded.

I bet that if your Putty felt anything, it was more like that - a surprise - and that it lasted just a moment. At least you were there to comfort her and help her through those final moments, I'm sure that meant a lot to her.

Hang in there, and let us know how you are doing. This stuff is tough to get through.

Hi Angel
Everyone else has expressed exactly what I feel about you and your sweet Putty and I know that in your heart of hearts you know you did a kind, if extremely difficult, thing.
The thing that enrages me is how people at your new place of work treated you and the situation. I am completely stunned by the ignorance and insensitivity of some people, (to the point, I might add where since Ryd died I have shamefully told some people that a member of my family passed away, a) because this IS true; she was and is an important member of my family and because I didn't want anyone to trivialise her by dismissing her passing as 'just' the death of 'a cat'.
When you feel stronger and more secure in your new job, perhaps you will think of going to talk quietly and non-combatively with the woman who was so rude to you. In my experience people often either do not know or do not think fully about the consequences of what they say or how they dismiss the feelings of others, and unless you point it out to them they and an unfeeling world will not change. I know that now is not the time, but she sounds like an awful person and maybe she should be aware that she hurt your feelings. Just a thought.
I, too, will be addressing the unfeeling comments of people who are supposed to be my friends. But not now; only when I am feeling much stronger. And perhaps I will re-evaluate the friendship of those who have just vanished in the last two weeks. Has anyone had the experience where you are so traumatised about the loss of your furry ones and your closest human friends seem to evaporate, just when you need them? Thank God for this website, is all I can say.
I am so sorry the people at your workplace were horrid. It's bad enough to lose our furry ones, but to have to endure that must be unbearable. I am so sorry for that. I am sure all of us can relate to your sentiment about being unable to breathe from the pain; I know I can. And as Mandy said, we all want to undo time and bring our furries back. Well, time passes quickly in the grand scheme of things, so just think that every day is a day closer to you seeing Putty and me seeing Ryddley and everyne seeing their furries again.
Love
B
x

I had Oswald put to sleep a year ago, for the same reasons that you did. He had kidney failure and was dying, so I eased his passage into the other realm. I felt guilt, pain, sadness and everything inbetween. Did I try hard enough? Could I have kept him with me if I had taken him to the vet again? He felt no joy, and was sleeping all of the time. His fur was coming out. He was being poisoned from the inside out, so I made that tough decision and took that long drive with him.

You did exactly the right thing. I know it hurts like heck now, but the guilt will eventually go away. You are remembering Putty's last days, the days of frailty and illness. In time, you will remember her in all of the stages of her life - kitten, youngster, teenager, etc. Those are much happier memories. The guilt serves no purpose in your grief, but makes the grieving process so much harder.

I am sorry that you did not get any support at work. My boss let me take the day after off, and it sure helped. I think it helps that he is a pet owner, too.

You promised your Putty a good life, but also a good death. You have kept both parts of that bargain.

Dee Dee

Hi, Angel,

Everyone is right in that you did the right thing. Of course you are second guessing yourself now, but...

Here's what I think: I think that when you did it, you heard that quiet still voice that tells us when it is time. And you listened to that voice. Putty was NOT going to get better with some more sub-q fluids. My Electra had liver failure too, we had to put her to sleep on Dec. 23, 2003. (She weighed 3 lbs when they did it.)

And Putty had stopped eating and drinking to help let you know that it was time. And I know how guilty you feel.... But it was the kind thing to do.

When we put Freyja to sleep on May 28, 2003, she was 14 and sick with a variety of things, but then she had a stroke and could only move her head. Freyja was the most sweet, loving, kind dog ever in the world. but when the vet put the needle in, she bit him. In 14 years, she had never bit or snapped at anyone, not ever, for anything. And i just wanted to die, bc in my mind, I interpreted that as her saying she was not ready to go.

That was 2 years ago, and thinking about it still makes me cry. But rationality does eventually win out. My dog was paralyzed and had Cushings and arthritis and... I know she was ready to go. The guilt does ease up with time... I promise....

Now, my cat Daphne died Saturday, and she was not even two years old, and I do not know why she died and I feel guilty. I MUST HAVE done something wrong. I MUST HAVE. I just know this is my fault because 2 year old cats don't just fall over dead suddenly. That is what I feel and believe in my heart. But having been through this before, having lost 3 pets in one year, only 2 years ago, at least this time, I do have some comfort in that I know that the intense, overwhelming sense of pain and loss and hurt does ease up. It's hard to explain how it does not go away. But it changes. It does become bearable.

Anyway, no matter how we lose our pets, having taken on responsibility for their lives, when they die, we do feel guilty. I think it means you took your responsibility seriously and were a good mom.

I do hope you feel better soon.

Love,
jennifer