I got Freeway's ashes today. I feel glad that he is home, where he belongs, but it feels even more real now then it ever has. It's like the grief of the day he passed only a little less magnified. 3 weeks ago I held him in my arms... and now I only hold a small, blue ceramic pot with his remains inside. It seems so surreal. This was my baby and now he's been reduced to nearly nothing. I thought it would give me peace and leave me a place to go to talk with him and feel close to him... Instead I can barely even look at it... I just want him HERE, not in the damn urn... I miss so much about him... I miss everything... it feels so lonely without him. You'd think that after 3 weeks I wouldn't be so upset, that the worst would have passed.. and throughout the day, that's true... but to come home and not find him here, to see the empty spot where his dish used to lay, no bones strewn about, no puppy kisses waiting for me... I often wonder why I bother coming home anymore. He was all I had here. He was my reason for getting through each day and getting up each morning. Now my reason is gone. My precious boy is gone.. and even though I know he's all around me and I truly feel him here at times, I still just need him WITH me... I just want him back.
There's moments when I don't know how to breathe anymore, and during the other moments I just don't want to.

A few hours later I feel better about it. I sat down and forced myself to face it.. I talked with Freeway, even though I know that is only his body and his spirit is elsewhere I still felt rather close to him. I adorned his 'spot' with all his favorite things.. his collar, tags still on it.. I think I'll leave them there... his favorite toy that I have been sleeping with since he died.. his chewy squeaky bone that someone gave him as a gift just for being so darn sweet and cute. Soon I will have a framed picture of him there as well. That's my biggest regret.. I didn't take enough pictures.
The hurt still runs deep but the shock has worn off. I can't believe that my 22 pound beauty has been reduced to something smaller than most drinking glasses.
I knew it would be hard, and I was ready for it... I think it was magnified because I was at work when he came home, and didn't know.. I came home to find his urn sitting on the table.. and after a long difficult day.. it was too much to handle.