Today is nearly 10 weeks since I lost my Amber tabby girl ~ t'is the wierdest and strangest thing for me ~ to be left here in this place to find my way to learn and love in a greater more spiritual way but at a price ~ growing up once again at age 55 ~ who would have thought ~ I have lost animals in the past ~ however it was more indirectly ~ aside from Amber's brother ~ and in his case he was so connected to Amber that he remained hovering close to her for the years that followed his passing ~ and she was still here in the physical ~ This day I am the stranger in a strange land ~ a grain of sand blowing across a dune ~ the lost ship at sea ~ these are images I think of when I close my eyes and feel this loss of my Amber ~ and now I am facing more personal crisis vocationally and also within my immediate family ~ I am lost without Amber's steady presence ~ my once clear map now fading and obscure to me ~ I have my faith in that which is greater than I ~ certainly that is explanation of events such as this loss and others I have had and will face in the years ahead ~ but the woman within that space of time is disoriented and stepping ahead with false boldness ~ still waiting for Amber my baby girl ~ the life of my days ~ this little 7 pound ball of spunk and spirit that gave color and innocent joy to my soul ~ I miss her so much ~ and I hold her spirit close ~ yet this new coin shines in the pocket of my spiritual cloak that covers my soul ~ the one side says timeless grief the other says infinite love it is both crystalline and clouded depending on how it transmits the light ~ I am forever changed ~ I feel the paradigm shift ~ the enigma ~ the strange smoke that billows around my footsteps ~ yet cleanses me from this raw pain of loss ~ I am so thankful for everyone here ~ I have stepped into a place I never would have survived ~ there is hope here ~ To All Who Are Suffering and Sadly Missing Faithful Friends I wish you Comfort and Bid you Peace ~ Sincere Thanks and Appreciation for this Gift of Community ~ A Fellow Traveller ~ Kathryn

Hi Kathryn
While I ultimately read a lot of hope and serenity in what you wrote here, I really identified with what you wrote (quoted). Isn't it odd how very often the most stable, centreing, rational force in our lives is our furry ones? My own life is a complete mess, but my little Ryddley was the one constant in an otherwise tumultuous tempest of a life. This is obviously not the only reason I miss her so much, but it certainly is one of the factors. Our little furry ones are never judgemental, never argumentative, never anything but unfailingly affectionate, undemanding and uncomplicated. No wonder they fill such huge voids in our lives (that cannot be filled by humans simply because we humans have all of the failings listed above), and no wonder they leave such a huge void when they cross over.
Without little Ryddley my map, while it was never particularly clear, seems so much murkier than ever it was. I miss her so much. I wonder if she ever knew what a beacon she was for me, and I don't care if that does sound sad or pathetic to non-animal-lovers, and I wonder if she ever knew just how centreing an influence she was on my life? I sure hope so. She did more for me than I ever did for her, I regret to admit.
Hope you are finding your way, even without your lovely Amber's steady presence...
B
x

Dear Kathryn

I know you miss your Amber so very much. Please know that you and your beautiful and precious little girl are in my thoughts and prayers today.

With love
jilly