For the last 3 days my dog Cory, an American Eskimo, had not been himself. He seemed very lethargic and didn't want to eat, drink or move around much. Cory has a lifelong thyroid condition for which I had given him daily medication and occassionally he would have spells like this. I had Cory since he was a puppy and he turned 13 in April. But this time his lethargy seemed different and more intense. When my caretaker ( I am disabled) took him out to relieve himself, he staggered and collapsed. We took him to the emergency hospital and they ran tests and suspected that he had autoimmune anemia as his red blood cell count was extremely low. They kept him overnight and confirmed the diagnosis the next morning. It was then that I learned that the prognosis was very poor. My heart sank as I suddenly realized that I could lose my beloved Cory. I called the doctor several times during the day only to learn that his condition had become worse. They were recommending that Cory be put to sleep. I cried all day yesterday without being able to make that decision. It was too heartbreaking to comprehend. I asked if I could come and visit him and they agreed. I walked up to his cage where he was lying on a thick comforter which the hospital had kindly provided. To me he looked as beautiful as he always had but he couldn't respond much except to look at me with those big beautiful brown eyes. Those same eyes had told me through the years when he was happy or when he was sad or disappointed. I could always see the disappointment in his face when I had to leave him at home because the weather was too hot to leave him in the car while I completed an errand. Yet when I returned, he would always be at the door, wagging his tail as those big brown eyes showed his delight at my return.

I stayed with Cory about 20 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably as they asked me if I had made the decision. I just couldn't . I asked if he was in pain and they said "no" - but he was very, very weak. I told them I had to go home and think about it and I spent the rest of the afternoon contemplating between sobs. After talking with two friends who had lost their dogs and were aware of what I was going through, I made the heartbraking decision to let him go. I was to be at the hospital at 9:30pm. They sat me in a room with a table so that I could hold Cory from my wheelchair. Soon they brought him in with his comforter and set him on the table in front of me. Again, he looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes, now a little discolored from the illness. They allowed me to spend about 30 minutes with him and although sobbing, I was able to tell him how much I loved him, how I knew he had loved me and how I would never forget him as he would always be with me. I held on to him close, petted him and kissed him over and over again.

Just as I thought my heart could break no more, they walked in and asked if I was ready. Barely able to speak, I nodded yes. I held on to him tightly, never wanting to let go and sobbing uncontrollably. I looked into his eyes as they administered the medicine through his IV and within a matter of seconds, he passed away without ever closing those beautiful eyes. I held onto him not wanting to let go and kissed him one more time. I sat there barely able to catch my breath between sobs crying out his name. As I was about to leave the room, I looked back one more time knowing I would never see him again. When I got home, I sobbed until there were no more tears, just an overwhelming sadness. I knew my life could never be the same without my beloved Cory.

Today is the first day after. My pain is worse than ever. Everything reminds me of him but he is not there. His bowl, his pillow, pictures of him, his favorite spots to lie at my feet. I feel like life can never be the same and I am overcome with grief that I cannot escape. I miss Cory more than I can say and feel like a part of me is gone forever and can never be replaced. I cannot stop crying. I know that time will ease the pain but at the moment, it seems like time has stood stil.

As a 62 year old man, it is not easy to display such uncontrolled emotion. It is not part of our culture. But this has been the most emotionally painful two days I've ever experienced. I have no family here - they are thousands of miles away so I have very little support except some kind words froma few friends. If anyone has any advice for me, I would be most appreciative. I know Cory is looking down on me and does not want me to suffer this much.

Thank you for listening.

Jack

Even though i might not know you or had the pleasure of meeting your wonderful Corey, I want to offer my friendship and support through what must be a horrible time for you. There are no words i can use that can take away the pain of your loss. All i can advise is let your grief flow out from you. Do not hesitate to cry, my friend. Let it out. For i can promise you that someday, perhaps soon, those tears will turn to smiles about all the happy memories you have of your life with Corey.

What a wonderful life Corey must have had...a loving human to care for him, a home that kept him safe plus the knowledge that he is loved. The way you described his passing seemed very peaceful and serene, quite the blessing.


Please, feel free to email or message me if you need a shoulder to cry on. I'm not always the best with advice but i sure know how to listen

Nyte

I feel so much for you losing your friend Corey. Everyone on this web site has been where you are right now. The pain is unbearable, you don't think you have any more tears to cry. But crying does help. It sounds like Corey had a wonderful life with you. Just remember that you took care of him for years, you loved him and were with him till the end. It's so hard to make the descision to let them go, but you did it for him, because you loved him and didn't want him to suffer.
Come to this web site often, i have and it has helped so much. I lost my dog Brandy a week ago and 24 hours later i lost my kitty Furball. So i am grieving for them both. Don't ever be afraid to show your grief, it is a testiment to how much you loved Corey. You will be in my thoughts as you go through this hard time, butremember some day we will be with our babies again at Rainbow Bridge.
Janet.

Jack, I am so very sorry for your loss. Cory sounds like the most wonderful companion and I can really feel your loss through your words. Janet is right, everyone here is a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on; unfortunately we are all going through what you are going through, whether the pain is brand new, like yours, relatively new , like for Janet and I (we both lost our furbabies on the same day) or some folks here have been coming back here for months and even years to try and ease the pain.
It is a heartbreaking decision but you know you just wouldn't want your lovely friend to suffer or to suffer from a reduced quality of life. You did a kind, gentle, noble and selfless thing. And I know only too well just how crushing it is to see reminders of your furry friend everywhere,a dn yet at the same time none of us (well, I speak for myself here) can bring ourselves to take those precious reminders away. I think the only advice I can offer, (and really I should tell you that I am just finding this out myself, one day at a time) is to take each minute, minute by minute. Make a memorial to Cory, compile a photo album with pictures of him and keepsakes, write what you feel about him. There are wonderful sites where you can post tributes and poems and even light candles for your friend. Try http://www.in-memory-of-pets.com/ and http://www.greenapple.com/~jorp/amzanim/petcem.htm These are just two, although there are others. I have posted tributes to my little Ryddley just about everywhere I can (and I will do so on LS as well). It is somehow cathartic to do so and it makes me good to tell others how much she meant to me. One thing about LS and the sites at which you can post tributes and pictures etc. is that no-one here is judgemental and everyone has nothing but empathy for what you are going through. You have come to a place where you are among friends. And I echo what Nyte wrote and please feel free to email or message me. So very sorry for your loss. But you will be with Cory again, this is sure, in a place where we all are well and healthy and full of vitality and vigour.
As always, my thoughts are with everyone at LS and their furry ones.
Brigid
x

Jack, I am so sad to hear your story about Cory and I know how hard it is - I lost my Cinnamon on Friday and my vet experience was much like yours. It sounds like you had a wonderful, caring vet and even though it was painful for you I think I meant a lot to Cory that you were there to spend time with him, right up until the end. Just remember he died feeling comforted that you were with him and that he loved you and still loves you even though he is not present any more to show it.

Like you, I don't have family or close friends nearby, and I feel awkward getting emotional in front of most people I know. This website has been very helpful for me to share all the feelings and fears I have - even the ones that seem irrational or silly. I've written things here that I have not shared with anyone I know, and it was comforting to see that other people were having the same thoughts or fears.

I have found that it helps to talk to Cinnamon - I was able to bury her on my property, so I can visit her and talk about all the concerns and fears and sadness I have. I find it soothing to say hello to her in the morning when I go out in the yard, and to pat her grave goodnight before I settle down for the evening inside. Perhaps you can choose something special of Cory's that you can put in a quiet place - or maybe go to his favorite place in your home - and make it a shrine of sorts, and spend time there to talk to him about how you feel now and why he was so special to you.

I know it hurts a lot to say many of these things out loud, but sometimes it is cathartic.

Let us know how you are doing, and don't feel ashamed to feel grief. Cory meant a lot to you, and it's only natural to feel so badly - particularly if it's difficult to share such intense emotions with the people you know. It's so easy to be so close to a pet - they give unconditional love and that's a hard thing to lose. We understand.

Jack,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of Cory. I feel for you deeply and was upset by your story.

I know it feels so lonely not being able to share your feelings with others as they don't understand how you feel. The world, as we know it, doesn't allow us to grieve for our pets as we would like. There also seems less tolerance if you are a man.

Thankfully due to websites like this we can air our feelings and share our grief with people who care and know how you feel. I lost my best friend of 18 years over two months ago and still struggle through each day. Life has no meaning for me at the moment but I guess it's just taking one day at a time that gets me through.

That is what I hope you can do..take each day as it comes and hang in there. Things do get easier and the pain less intense. Come back and check this site out whenever you need. I read the posts, many of which are very upsetting but also full of hope and encouragement. Normally I have trouble finding the words to reply to peoples posts but felt I had to send a note of sympathy and encouragement to you. Maybe I am getting a bit better myself.

Unfortunately I don't have any magic words to fix your pain or replace the huge hole in your heart, except to always believe that you will see Cory again in the future. I know when my time comes to leave this earth, I know I have my reunion with my best friend to look forward to. I know it helps me through each day.

Steve

Jack
I am so sorry for your loss. It has been 3 weeks today since I had to be there when my beloved Cosmo passed. It is such a hard choice to make and even harder to be there with them as they pass, that was a truly selfless act on your part. As hard as it was for you to let him go and to be there while he passed, I believe Cory knew you were there and you were willing to take the pain of watching him go as your own, so that he could have the comfort of your presence as he passed. It has been 3 weeks for me, like I said, and I am still grieving hard. I have other pets that need me, but my baby (10 years old), had needed me to give him daily medication for the last several years, just like your Cory. These mornings when I first get up, I still look for him to give him his pills. My pain is still fresh, but much better now than it was the first 2 weeks. I am so happy that you chose to reach out to the caring souls in this forum, where you have the freedom to express all the sadness and grief inside of you, to others who understand. I wish I could give you the "magic date" when you'll be O.K. again, but we all have our own grieving time and for some of us, it is much longer than others. The cliche' "one day at a time" is a true one, but when you feel like you have to let it out, go right ahead. In private or on here, someone will listen. When you are ready to move on, you will know and you are the ONLY ONE who will. Please accept my condolences, and my prayers. When you are ready, share some of your wonderful memories of Cory here on this forum with us, especially if you cannot find someone close who will listen and understand-WE WILL. The next few days or (weeks), will be tough, but let it out when you feel it and remember to take care of yourself. I believe that ALL LOVE transcends species, gender, and time.
Bless You in your sorrow,
Michelle (Mos Mommy)

To each of you who has taken the time to tell your stories and extend your condolences, I am eternally grateful. It is indeed comforting to know that I am not alone during this painful time. It has been just over 36 hours since Cory passed away and not an hour goes by that I don't miss his loving presence. I could never understand why God chose to give our beloved companionss such a short life span.

The grief and pain has not lessened and I know it's too soon to expect that it will,. Just when I think I have no more tears left, they start to flow all over again. But each of you has given me words that are comforting and have meant so much to me. If Cory's passing has a silver lining, it has been knowing that there are understanding, caring and kind people like yourselves that can truly understand what I'm going through because you are either going through it yourselves or have been there. I look forward to the day that, as my pain has eased a bit, I can do the same for others. I know that Cory is in the same place as your beloved companions and they are joyfully enjoying each other's company while they await our reunion with them for all time. Bless you all and bless our animal friends who are the only ones in our lives who have given us unending love unconditonally.

Jack

Jack, how are you doing? I've been wondering how you are since I read your post and hope that all is well with you, (well, as well as can be, understandably). I hope you are managing OK. Please let us know how you are. You mentioned not having a support network closeby and I hope you know you have one right here! Please let us know how you are.

Michell, your little Cosmo is just a beautiful boy! No wonder you miss him so much but I love what you wrote that all love 'transcends species, gender, and time'. I can't wait to see my girls again, as I know we all do.

Love to you both and to all at LS and their furries still with us and those who have crossed over.
B
x

I don't have too many words of wisdom except to tell you to give yourself permission to weep. Forget the Charles Bronson image. I'm 50 and married. It's been a month since Daddy Cat died and I still bawl like a baby sometimes when I think of him. Cory was a very special dog and I would be worried if you didn't have grief over his passing. It will get better but for some it's a very slow healing process. Take care of yourself and treat yourself well. You've done everything you needed to do to be kind to Cory. Now make sure you are kind to yourself as well. Please keep us posted on how things are going.