It's thunderstorming outside right now.. Big loud booms of thunder. Freeway hated storms. They scared him. I heard the first boom and ran upstairs to comfort him and be with him... but he's not here... I KNOW that he's gone, how could I not... I doubt there's a minute that goes by each day when he's not on my mind. So why do I still keep wanting to run to him... to comfort him and console him.. why does it still shock me so much to walk in the door and be greeted by nothing.

My best friends dad died exactly one year ago, and I'm trying so hard to be here for him as he's slipped into a deep depression about it. I feel so silly crying about a dog when he's lost his dad... How can I be strong for him when my own heart is still so very broken.

Does this ever end?? When will my heart believe what my head already so painfully knows, that he's gone and isn't coming back. When will I stop thinking I see or hear him... It's just so painful and brings back a million emotions all over again. I want to go on with my life but I feel like I can't yet. I still just want him back... he belongs here with me.

Yes it will end. The pain will never completely go away, but it will fade to a dull ache that will make your present pain seem to be nothing...

It does improve Jenn. But it takes quite a long time I'm afraid. Very slowly little by little the pain does start to diminish. For me it began to get a little better around the 3 month mark. I still thought of my little Ellie all the time but I could begin to function better and there were short spells during the day when I found myself not constantly thinking of her.

At about 4 months things got considerably better for a lot of the time. There would still be overwhelming times when all I could do was sob, but they were becoming less frequent.

5 months, much improved. The searing agonising pain had turned into a low key aching in my heart, the crying became less.

6 months ... well I'm at that stage now. I still miss her desperately and have moments when I cry and can't believe she's gone. I still miss her every day but it is now more of a heavy ache in my heart rather than a sharp stabbing pain.

I think all we can do, is to try take one day at a time and for you to try to be gentle with yourself. The depth of your pain is equivalent to the depth of the love that you had for your Freeway. Human or furbaby the pain is the same, it is dependent on how much we loved them, and how much they meant to us in the first place.

You have every right to feel the way you do about your beloved Freeway ... clearly he meant the world to you.

My thoughts are with you
with love
jilly

Thanks Jilly and DJ for your support.. That storm was hard... Not only was it massive and it caused a lot of property damage but it also set me back a lot in my healing process. I just couldn't stop thinking that Freeway should be there, sitting on my lap, scared but alive and receiving all the comfort his little body needed. I guess I should be grateful he missed it as I never want him to be afraid... Especially as sick as he was... It just all feels so wrong... He was with me for half my life and now he's gone.. I barely remember life before Freeway, he was always always there.
One day at a time I suppose.. One minute at a time.. Each minute that passes I am one minute closer to seeing him again... I guess I'll hold onto that thought and go to bed.

Jenn, have you read Steph's Journey Through Grief postings? I'm afraid I cannot answer your question because I have just started this painful journey without my Ryd and it feels like I will never heal and the tears are just never going to stop, but reading Steph's journey and her updates is helping me enormously because it gives me a glimmer of hope. I am also so very thankful for this forum because I really NEED to know that I am not alone in this. The pain may never lessen for me, I cannot possibly know at this point, but at least in sharing our grief we find solidarity amongst kindred souls. I also want Ryd with me just like you want Freeway with you. We just have to know that that day will come. Doesn't it just suck that our very best friends don't live as long as we do? My thoughts and prayers are with you and you are not alone. The knowledge that I am not totally alone in all the gutwrenching, raw ache and torment that I am going through seems to help me as I am sure it will, you. Of course I know that what would really help is a familiar wet nose or tickley whiskers and paddy-paws, but in the absence of our lovely furry friends, there are friends who understand.
B

It has to get better with time but it's a slow process. I'm at about the same stage you are and am battling those feelings heavily myself. Rely on the support of the other guys here, knowing that they actually do know how you are feeling. It is a wonderful place because by reading these posts you can gain insight into your own situation. Be good to yourself and give yourself time for healing. The good memories of Freeway will always be there.

Jenn,

It's special how we map our lives based on our pets...

There was Before him...silly, empty, pointless.
During him....enriched, satisfied, giddy
After him.....aged, sobered, internalized

Jenn.. I wish I knew the answer. I do know that you should not feel silly, your friend was every bit as important to you, as your friends dad was to him. I miss my girl everybit as much today as I did last week and the week before. Jenn be gentle with yourself and your feelings. Peace

Kerry

Jenn,
I can relate to so many of your posts. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know how heart-wrenching it is. Sometimes I feel like my brain is torturing me. It hurts every time I "see" Duke (the blanket, the magazine, the pillow, etc.) out of the corner of my eye. I still look for him in the window when I walk up the driveway, I leave room for him at the foot of my bed, and I immediately pick my underwear up off the floor when I change so that Duke won't chew them up . And through all this, his passing is always at the front of my mind. It's painful but at the same time, it reminds me of all the little things that I did for him. I know those things will make me smile someday but for now, they make me cry.

It does get easier though. When my Sheltie, Princess, died a few years ago at age 14, I thought the pain and the reminders would never go away. I still think of her and sometimes shed a few tears but more often I find myself smiling and saying "Remember how Princess used to.....". I don't dwell on her death anymore but instead focus on her life.

And, Jenn, never feel "silly" about grieving for Freeway. Your friend is entitled to his grief and you're entitled to yours. You both lost a family member. You don't have to be strong to help him, just understanding and caring. Also, it's ok to focus on yourself. If you feel you can't handle your friend's grief right now because of your own, that's not selfish. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.

You will get through this, Jenn, and we'll be here to help you along the way.

Sincerely,
Tracy

Duke (September 16, 2002 to June 1, 2005)
Sadly missed but dearly remembered

Thanks for everyone's support... I don't know how I'd be getting through this without it...
I feel like I'm being tugged in a million different directions. I've been promoted at work to supervisor, and while it's meant a raise and more hours, it's also brought a lot of stress. I don't deal well with stress right now.

I am trying so hard to also be there for my friend, tomorrow is exactly one year since his dad died and he is hurting so much. I know everyone is right when they say sometimes you need to put yourself first, but this man has put ME first for nearly 7 years no matter what was going on in his life and now he needs me... I feel like I owe it to him to be strong for him as he's been for me. It's really hard, because he is the one I really figured would get me through losing Freeway, but he can't and I completely understand and WANT him to take care of himself. I guess it just leaves me feeling pretty darn alone.

All my other friends expect that I should be fine by now and while I act as though I am, I am NOT.. far from it.
A girl at work asked me yesterday why I look so darn tired lately.. I thought about lying but decided to be honest and told her that my dog died and I am so used to having him laying beside me as I sleep that I just can't sleep without him. Her response was to get a teddy bear. Why are people so insensitve. How could a stuffed animal possibly take the place of my beloved dog. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do more - choke her, or run away in tears. I said nothing and continued on with my job.

My grandmother leaves tomorrow and takes her dog back home with her. It will be the first time other than the first 2 days after Freeway died that my house will be dog-free. I thought having her dog here would be harder on me, and it was at times... but at least I still had an animal around who was happy to see me and something I could take care of. He could never replace Freeway but he did occupy my time and thoughts sometimes. The house will seem so quiet again tomorrow...

I guess maybe one day it will get better.. but certainly not today. Not sure how much more I can take. No more one minute at a time.. I've moved back to one second...

Hugs to all of you.. I'm sorry for rambling... and I'm even more sorry that you all understand.. however it's comforting to know...

Jenn, you shame me with your honesty. I have told at least three people that 'a member of my family died; because I truly couldn't take it if another heartless person told me that it 'was just a cat' or 'you can get another' or 'never mind, you'll get over it'. I think I said this in another posting, but I didn't mean to deny Ryd's existence as the beautiful, dignified, special pusscat that she was, but the world is so unfeeling that I didn't (and don't) want anyone to trivialise her existence and importance to me by dismissing her as being 'just a cat'. I salute your honesty and I wish your co-worker, however well-meaning (and I think she was trying to be well-meaning) had just thought things through a lot more. Regrettably, the world is full of people who don't have an understanding or empathy and I always divide the world into people who love animals and people who don't. Fortunately for you (and me and all of us), you will find a group of kindred spirits here who understand and, sadly, share what you are going through and you can say exactly what is on your mind and never be judged for it here. I hope your first night in a doggie-free house was bearable. Last night was my first night alone in my house with no Ryddley and it was so awful I took sleeping tablets just to get the dark hours out of the way. Sad, but true.
Thinking of you and Freeway
B
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Bridgid,
Don't feel guilty for telling people you have lost a family member.. as you HAVE lost just that. It's not about what Ryd was, it's about what Ryd was to you. You are in no way denying her exsistance, you are merely telling it how it is... Our pets are family..
My first dogless night and day were very hard. Everytime we'd come home knowing we would have to go right back out again we'd worry that we'd disturb Freeway (he loved car rides and go upset when he couldn't come)... Then we'd remember he's not here anymore. It all seems so unreal, in so many ways the past 2 weeks have whipped by and felt like no time at all, but in other ways it's been the longest most painful 2 weeks of my life. I wonder if I haven't put him to sleep would he still be here. Would he have any quality of life at all, would he be happy to be here. I question that I made the right decision. Even though I would never want him to suffer.... maybe we could have tried another pill, something... anything... It will just never feel ok without him...

Jenn, you know even though I have felt sometimes in the last week that I really am going mad I do believe this: that all things happen at their right time. We hate it (often), and rebel (frequently), and storm the gates of heaven with our protests and wonder if only we had done x, y and z would the outcome have been different. But somewhere in me I believe that the outcomes are written and they are played out exactly as the Creator wishes. I also wonder if I had just done x, y and a million other things differently would I not be sitting here crying my eyes out as I post my replies on this site. Would I instead have Ryddley next to me on the couch now, trying to eat my breakfast. But I think, sadly, that this would not be the case because God wanted her with him and he wanted her with him on the 6th of June at 18h40, exactly when he called her, just as He wanted Freeway up there with him, too. And all of the furry ones who are mourned so much by everyone else here. It IS sad, and it DOES hurt like no other hurt on earth, but I know that you would not have wanted Freeway to merely exist. He sounds like such a vital, boundy, happy pooch and I am sure that his quality of life means the world to you, too. You gotta believe, even though it's so hard and we are forced to really, really examine the point of life and all of those great questions that philosophers have been pondering since the dawn of time, that with a love as big as you and Freeway shared, you must, must, surely and absolutely be together again. As I have said before, if Heaven doesn't have Ryddley, Whiskey and all the other furries I have had in my life, then I simply ain't going!
If I could email peace and serenity and hugs I would zap all those good things through cyberspace to you and everyone on this site. But hey, if I could do that I would do nothing less than have you be with your furry friends and me with mine.
Love and peace to you
B
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