Today was especially difficult. It's been 6 weeks since my Rico went to the Rainbow Bridge and i am missing him more today than ever. Have been weepy on and off all day.

I just came in from planting some "bleeding heart" on his resting place that i took from my old house when i moved. It was the first chance i have had. I was missing him really bad and feeling really guilty too. I was not there when my soon to be ex-husband buried him. It was by choice but now i am feeling really bad that i was not there.

He had already passed on when i woke that morning. His last 2 days were hard on him and me. He was 17 and getting old and frail. I had a feeling he was in the early stages of kidney failure. He was not happy about our recent move. He lived up until then, his whole life in the country as "King of the Hill", going outside as he pleased, hunting mice, and enjoying naps in the sun. Now we live in a neighborhood with houses all around. He missed "his home".

He would be up all night....going from window to window....wanting to go out....meowing and yowling something terrible. The last week or 2 he was going on all day and night that way in spite of the fact that i let him out often, checking on him frequently and paying lots of attention to him. He managed to get lost twice but was found by a friend and also a new neighbor. The last time he was lost i had a feeling he left because he was unhappy and ready to move on. But my daughter posted lovingly made signs around the neighborhhod and he was found. Unfortunately he had tangled with something and had a few deep scratches and a bite or 2. One abscessed and his leg became swollen twice it's size. He had trouble walking and was not eating as well. I thought it was time to let him go but my kids were out of town with their dad and i just couldn't put him down while they were gone. So.... i took him to the vet and the vet gave him fluids as he was dehydrated and gave me some medication for the abscess. She thought he might be ok and live a few more months before the kidney failure got worse. I had high hopes. Took him home and put hot compresses on his leg...gave him water with a dropper and tried to feed him his favorite tuna but he pushed my hand away. He could hardly walk or hold his head up. I stayed up well into the night with him but had to get a few hours of sleep for work in the morning. When i woke........he was gone. My oldest said goodbye to him and went off to school. My husband came over. My youngest couldn't face the day. She stayed with my husband and they buried Rico together and i went off to work. I just couldn't stay there and see him be put in the ground. I regret it now that i was not there. When i was planting the bleeding heart tonight i just wanted to dig and dig and hold my baby once more. I should have stayed up with him that night and held him and loved him until he took his last breath. Oh Rico.....i miss you baby. Mommy loves you and i hope you are happy and well now and waiting for me at the Rainbow Bridge.

Dear Ricos' Mom,

Our grief is so full of "what if's" that we think we might have had control over. I thought Lacy had at least several months left and in the end she went completely downhill in a matter of a couple of weeks or less. I was devistated. Sometimes life just ends when it ends and you cannot stop it. I have to keep telling myself this as much as you. It should help to know that self recrimination is part of the grieving process but it doesn't always help me very much. It has been 3 days since I lost my precious Lacy and I am still sobbing on and off. I did something crazy today and put a payment down to a shelter to adopt another homeless cat. It is probably way too soon after Lacy's death to be doing this, and I said I would not, and could not, but after reading the shelter video post, I feel it was the right thing for me in my case to do right now. Give to another little creature that might not have a life or a home for the time of life alloted it, if I don't adopt it.

I have to be extremely careful that I do not try to make this little cat a replacement for Lacy, nor let her coming into my life interfere in the necessary grieving process that will be long and drawn out for Lacy (as I still cry daily). But for better or worse I am offering my home to another homeless kitty from a shelter.

Know that you did the best you could. That you could not be there for Rico's burial is ok. You were there for Rico's Life. I miss Lacy so much it is agonizing. I guess I never really prepared myself for her dying. She was so much a part of me. Hold on to the love you gave Rico while he was alive. I am trying to do the same for my Lacy.

I send you my love,
Linda

Thank you Linda for your support which i really needed tonight. I too am sorry to hear about your Lacy but i am also happy to hear that you are giving another kitty a chance at having a nice home with a wonderful mom. I also watched that video and know that i will do the same in time. I have already been to the shelter with my children to look at kitty's and found a couple that were sweet but it was just too soon for me. I know that i will go back in time and find one or maybe 2 that i will adopt.

Best wishes to you and your new little one. Please tell me all about it.

Cheryl

Linda,
I'm so glad to hear that you will be honoring Lacy's memory by saving another kitty. I know this kitty will be extremely lucky to have you , it is evident what a good and loving mommy you are from your posts. I know that Lacy is glowing with pride at this decision. Your right that this kitty can not be a replacement for Lacy, but I don't think that will be a problem....once this kitty's personality shines through, you will see how much this kitty is very much her own soul, and you will love her as such. Allow yourself to love that kitty, guilt free, and she will return that love two-fold.


To Rico's mommy,
I'm so sorry for your loss of Rico. It sounds like you really had a lot of turmoil there towards the end. I hope it can give you peace to know that Rico is now back to the lifestyle he so loved, with the sun on his back, and all the open land he could dream to play and roam. God Bless
Kim

Dear Rico's Mom ~

It is so true ~ whether 6 weeks or as in my case nearly 10 ~ it just doesn't go away ~ I completely empathize with everything you have said ~ My heart is empty in a place that will never be filled again ~ Other animals are in my life as well ~ however I can never light the space where Amber and shared this earthly plane together ~

Thank you for sharing these feelings for it is in this way that we can hold each other spiritually "here" and gather strength to face our days and nights without our dear babes ~ I am so sorry for your loss ~

Sincerely,
Kathryn