I am feeling so sad right now, and i don't think i have any tears left. Yesterday i had to have my beloved Australian Shepherd Brandy put to sleep. She had pneumonia and an infection, we took her to the vets and she started to get better. So we brought her home, but the next day she got worse. We took her back to the vets and he told us her heart was failing. So we made the awful descision to have her put to sleep. I cried so much, i thought my heart would break. I miss her so much. Then as if things could not get any worse we had to have our Siamese cat Furball put to sleep today. I went in the garage where she sometimes sleeps and found her bleeding and unable to move her back legs. We rushed her to the vets and he said that it looked like she had been attacked by a dog. Her pelvis was broke and she was in pain. I was in the house and didn't hear anything. So we made the descision again to do the right thing for her. But i miss her and Brandy so much. To lose two of our pets in two days is unbearable. I go through all the questions, what if i'd done this, or what if i'd done that. But it won't bring them back. I want to hold them and tell them again that i love them. We were with both of them when they took there last breath. And i know some day i will be with them again, until then i will think of them every day and try and get through the pain of losing them.

Dear Janet,

I am so sorry about the loss of both your babies. It sounds like you did the right thing in both cases but I know how hard it must have been making the decision. May you find comfort knowing that they are no longer in any pain and that they are together at the Rainbow Bridge.

(((((Hugs)))))....You and Brandy and Furball are in my thoughts and prayers this evening.

Cheryl

Thank you for your message. It's so hard to believe i did the right thing, when they should be here, and there not. But i just couldn't see them in pain any more. If i thought of myself they would still be here, but i had to think of them and what was best for them. I loved them so much and will miss them every day. But i will be with them again some day at Rainbow Bridge.

Oh Janet,

I just had to have my Lacy put to sleep and you had to lose 2 beloved pets in a matter of 24 hours. It must be so incredibly heart-breaking for you! We can be here for you in your time of need, it won't be enough but we will be here for you. May God bless you and the little angels you lost.

My love goes out to you.

Linda

Linda,
thank you for your message. I hurt so much right now, i can't believe i lost two of my babies in 24 hours. We had Brandy for 13 years and she was such a sweetheart,
Furball we had for 12 years. It was so unexpected with both of them. I don't think where ever ready, but they were both still so young. I thought i had many years left with them. How did you lose your Lacy? i know how much you must be hurting, i know you loved her just as i loved my babies. But we gave them years of love and we'll be with them again some day.
Janet

I am so sorry for your loss of Brandy and Furbaby. How tragic to have them have to leave so close. I can't even imagine, and I am so heartbroken for you.

Possibly knowing that both of them are together and sharing in a happier place for them may help.

It is so hard to say goodbye to our babies. I also was with mine throughout the procedure. She always was so quirky there was no way I could let her go without my being there. My only regret that it would not have been so tough, because it took 3 legs to find a vein, and even then they barely found a good one. Needless to say, things took a little longer, but she was brave as we said goodbye.

I hope somehow you can find comfort at this time. I know it will be difficult, and will take time. I truly do feel for you! Please share their lives with us. We would love to hear them.

Midwest

I would love to tell you about my babies. We got Brandy an Australian Shepherd 13 years ago. A year before that i lost my dog Shoo Shoo who was 18 years old. 5 years before that i lost her mother Liz who was 14. And the pain of losing them was so bad that i swore i wouldn't get another dog. But i love animals so much that i opened my heart again and Brandy came into it. She was such an inteligent dog, she learned things so quickly, and was so sweet. She loved to go for walks with my husband. He would take her up in the hills, and she knew when he got his shoes on that he was going to take her. She would get so excited. And she had so much energy, she could run forever. She was so gentle, and when my grandchildren came over would be so patient with them. If somehow she got outside when we were gone she wouldn't take off she would lay by the front door until we got home. She knew she couldn't find a better home. But 9 days ago we took her to the vet because she was just laying about and was having a hard time breathing. He said it was pneumonia and she had a temperature of 105. I feel so guilty for not taking her to the vets the day before. But a year ago she had a lump removed and they said it was cancer but they got it all. They said it may come back though and thats what i thought it was when she got sick. I wanted that extra day with her so waited to take her to the vets. Now i think if i had taken her the day before maybe she wouldn't have got so sick. The vet wanted us to put her down the day we took her in, but i asked him if there was anything he could do for her. So he put an IV in her and gave her fluids and anti biotics and she started to get better. 3 days later she was walking around and eating, so we brough her home, but a day later she was sick again. I didn't take her to the vet that day cause it was a Sunday and our vet wasn't open, and i wanted her to go to him. Once again i have the guilt of thinking if i had taken her she may still be here. The vet said that her heart was beating abnormally, he did an EKG and said her heart was failing. I couldn't believe it after coming so far. But she couldn't stand, could barely lift her head and hadn't eaten in 2 days. Me and my husband were with her when she passed, and i still can't believe she's gone. I miss her so much You think there going to be around forever. I feel like i'm in a bad dream and i just want to wake up from it. 24 hours later i lost my cat Furball, but as this is such a long letter i won't go into details about her, i'll write about her later.

Dear Janet,

I've been feeling so sorry for myself because I lost 2 furbabies within 9 months of each other. I can't even imagine the pain you must be feeling having lost 2 in a 24 hour period. I'm at such a loss for words...I'm so very, very sorry.

Hugs,
Kathleen

Yes, it is painful to lose my two babies within 24 hour hours. I thought the pain of losing Brandy was bad enough, but then the next day to lose Furball, i felt like i was having a nightmare and i just wanted to wake up. If i think of one without thinking of the other i feel guilty, but to think of them both at once is so overwhelming. I have to grieve for one for a while, then grieve for the other. I'm at such a loss on how i can get through this without going insane. I feel like my heart is breaking. But i have 2 more dogs and another cat, so i have to continue on for them.

Janet, thanks for sharing. It sounds like you did everything to help Brandy, even though it never seems like we do enough. One more day earlier, I don't believe would have made a difference in the overend outcome. At least you can treasure that one more day. It is so hard, and yet we still have to go on.

It sounds like you have a very welcoming home with the other dogs and the cat. What a warm heart you must have. They are fortunate to have you. Love them to pieces as I'm sure they sense the loss of both of your babies, and just may not understand.

I hope each new day makes it a little easier for you.

Midwest

Thanks to everyone who has helped me through the last few days. Without all your letters i wouldn't have got through it. I'm so glad i found this web site. When i first lost an animal 18 years ago, there wasn't anything like this then. And i thought i would go insane. People just didn't understand and i couldn't talk about it cause people would think i was crazy. I know i will always feel guilty about not taking her to the vets a day earlier. Even though i know the outcome would have been the same. I was reading a letter from someone else who had lost her pet and she said that she slept with her furbaby in the living room that night. I did the same with Brandy. I put some blankets on the floor and slept beside her, just wanting to be as close to her as i could for one more day. I'm glad i did that, so she knew i was there for her if she needed anything. I will miss her so much and my Furball, tomorrow i will write about her.

I told you i would tell you about my Furball today, so here goes. We got her at 6 weeks old. I've always loved Siamese cats and have always had one. Even thought there very tempamental. When she was younger she used to love to go under the area rug i had in the family room. You'de see this bump moving under it, then she'd come out of the other side. As she got older she got arthritis so couldn't run any more. But she still got aeound pretty good. We had to keep her cat food up on the counter so the dogs wouldn't get to it. But she couldn't jump up on the counter so we had to lift her up. Until we did that she used to cry, and i would tell her to be quiet. Not in a bad way more just like be patient. Then after she ate she'd go lay by the phone until you lifted her back down.
About a year ago she was laid in the garage in her cat bed when 2 dogs from next door came into the garage and attacked her. My son heard the noise and went out there and scared the dogs away. We rushed her to the vets and thankfully she wasn't hurt, just shook up. But ever since then her back has always been sensitive and she didn't like to be touched there. On Tuesday i went into the garage to do some laundry and she was laid there crying. I looked over and there was blood everywhere and she was trying to move her back legs and couldn't. We took her to the vets and he found a puncture wound on her stomach and another on her back, and said a dog must have attacked her and her pelvis was broke. So we made the heart wrenchingdescision to put her to sleep. I was in the house just yards away from where she was and i didn't hear anything. It could have been the dogs next door again, but i have no proof. It just happened so fast. My husband had gone through the garage just 20 minutes before, and everything was allright. Now i feel guilty for her being out there, even though she loved to sleep out there. I should have kept her inside. My daughter has offered to clean the house for me cause i've really neglected it. But i don't want to vacuum her and Brandy's hair up. I found a clump of her hair on a bar stool near the counter. She used to shed everywhere. I should clean out her litter box cause it's not very healthy. But i can't make myself do it. There's amark on the wall from where Brandy used to lay next to the couch. I want to clean it cause every time i look at it i picture her laying there. But it's one of the only things left i have of her. I hear people say they dream about there pets, but why don't i. I would love to.
Tomorrow will be a hard day cause we get Brandy's ashes back. What do you do to take your mind off it, so you don't go crazy. I wondered why God took Furball so close to taking Brandy. And all i can think of is, Brandy needed a friend with her so she wouldn't get lonely, so God sent her Furball.

Janet--
I wanted to tell you how sorry I am to hear of your loss of Furball and Brandy within a 24 hour period. I can't imagine going through the loss of two furbabies so close together. My heart just bleeds for you. Please know we're here for you. Tell us more about your babies and share the joy that they brought to your life. You're obviously a very special person and those stories will go a long way toward helping you with the healing process. Take care. You're in my thoughts. Terri

Right now i'm in the middle of reading a book called When Your Pet Dies by Jamie Quackenbush. I bought it 18 years ago when my first dog died. I was so overwhelmed with grief, and it really explains a lot.
Brandy was the most beautiful Australian Shepherd. My other dogs years ago had been ##erpoos, but i had seen Australian Shepherds and thought how beautiful they were. When i descided to get another dog i said thats what kind of dog i want. I saw an ad in the paper and called and the owner brought her over to the house and i fell in love with her right away. When my husband got home from work i was on the floor playing with her, and he fell in love with her too. They are very intelligent dogs and we taught her to lay down and roll over, and shake. (I'm sure other dogs do that too, but i'm biased). My husband used to take her for a walk almost every day in the hills near where we live. She knew when he got his boots on that they were going "Walkies". She had so much energy and could run forever. The last year or so she slowed down because of age and she had to be lifted up into the back of the truck, but still loved to go. About a year ago she had a lump removed from her side, the vet said it was cancerous but he got it all. But said it might return. When she got sick last week we thought the cancer had come back. I waited until the next day to take her to the vets cause i wanted to spend one last day with her. I slept on the floor in the family room with her that night. When we took her to the vets he said she had a 105 degree temperature, she had pneumonia and an infection inside her. Then i felt guilty because if i had taken her in the day before she may have got better. But i have to live with that guilt. She always slept between the couch and the end table and would always get dog fur on the couch, it's still there and i can't make myself vacuum it away. I look for her there all the time. In the morning when my husband had his morning bagel, he would save a piece for her and my two other dogs, and she loved that. She loved oranges, apples, bananas, lettuce, just about anything. Even grapefruit. I miss her so much and just can't believe that i won't see her walking through the patio door again. She was so sweet and gentle and was so good around my grandkids. I'm sorry to have gone on so long about her, but she was the love of my life. And i miss her so much. Till i see you again Brandy, Sweet Dreams.

This may seem like a strange question but i need to know if anything like it has ever happened to any body else. When Brandy was alive,my husband used to take her and our other 2 dogs Duchess and Cleo for walks in the hills near our home. She loved to go there, it was the highlight of her day. Today he went there with our other 2 dogs and when they got out of the truck Duchess (who was brought up with Brandy) walked a couple of steps then sat down and wouldn't move. She started crying and whimpering, she's never done this before and all i can think of is Brandy was there and Duchess sensed her. Is this possible? I like to think that she's still going on walks with her 'Pa' and Duchess and Cleo.

Janet, I know we are all telling you this at the moment, but it's true: you truly you are a strong, brave, incredible woman and I cannot imagine how bereft you must be right now. Brandy and Furball sound like the loveliest animals and I am hoping so strongly that with such beautiful characters they have now met my lovely Ryddley as they start their journey together. I am glad she will have such lovely companions to share her new life with until we cross over, too. You DID do the right thing, and we ALL have regrets. I had them when my father passed (and have them still) and I am going through the agonies of the damned right now with little Ryd's passing and her last awful, tormented hour on earth. I want to address two things you have mentioned: 1) other people have dreams about their pets, so why don't you, you ask. I have been asking myself the same thing. My housemate, who owned Ryd with me (I hate the phrase 'owned' because if anything, she owned us, but I am so tired and traumatised right now that I can't really think of the correct nomenclature), swears he SAW her two days ago. He's not given to flights of fancy, we live in a very rural area and she was a very unusually marked cat, so it seems far too coincidental. I was devastated; why didn't I see her, I wanted to know. I was so sad becasue I feel that I loved her more (not kind of me and not necessarily true). But I think maybe we cannot choose these things, no matter how much we wish for them, and we must just take comfort in knowing that their spirit is around us at all times, whether or not we see a physical manifestation of this in dreams or seemingly in the physical world.
2) You mentioned about Duchess 'sensing' Brandy. I swear this is so. Bertie (my neighbour's cat who hangs around here a lot and was fond of Ryd as much as cats are of other cats) has been howling his head off since she died and lies on her grave (in the garden) most of the day. He actually seems depressed; truly he does. Sometimes he sits up and stares at a spot just above her grave as thought he is looking at somethings and other times he lies right across her grave. I believe that animals are much more attuned to things than we are. Whenever I was sad or tearful Ryd would howl and lick my face; she absolutely knew that I was in distress. So I think it is not such a leap to believe that animals can sense and see the spirit world in ways that we cannot. When the Tsunami happened NO aniamls died, because they all had an innate sense of what was coming. So yes, I do believe Duchess saw something that you could not. What a marvellous, comforting thought! It should bring you solace; it sure does me!

Brigid,
What a beautiful tribute to your kitty Ryd. June 6th is when i lost Brandy. So i like to think that they travelled to Rainbow Bridge together. I too was racked with guilt thinking did i do everything i could for Brandy and Furball. Did i have them put to sleep too soon. Maybe they would have got better. But i know in my heart i did what i thought was right. It was nice to read that you believed that our babies come back and visit. After Furball died my other cat who used to climb up on the counter a dozen times a day to eat, didn't go up there for 2 days. She went into my spare bedroom and laid on the bed all day, and she's never slept on that bed before. So i think she was missing her. Today i went to visit my daughter and grandkids, everybody had been telling me i needed to get out, instead of staying in the house all day. But i only stayed a few hours, it was just too hard. I cried all the way home and when i walked in the house it was the first time i've been somewhere and Brandy and Furball weren't there to welcome me. That just about killed me. If our pets die from old age or peacefully in there sleep we would miss them, but the guilt isn't there. Because we know it was Gods will. But when they have a violent or sick ending thats what we remember. I've been thinking what if i had managed to get some antibiotics down Brandy would it have helped her with her pneumonia. But i tried, i made scrambled eggs to put them in, pieces of meat, even cat food which she used to love, but she just wouldn't take them. My husband even crushed them up and mixed them with water and put it in a syringe and gave it to her that way. But she threw it back up again. maybe i didn't try hard enough. The vet said he didn't detect a heart problem the first time we took her in, but i can't believe it came on that quick. My husband will be home soon with Brandy's ashes, and thats going to be so hard. I thank everyone for all there thoughts and prayers, i couldn't have made it this far without them. Sleep well Brandy and Furball.

Janet, I feel such a kinship with you regarding those last days. Just this time last week I was trying to make a nutritious 'soup' that Ryd would be able to lick, even if she wasn't up to chewing. We did everything we could, even liquidising steak pie sauce, which she always liked. She would lick a few mouthfuls and then stop. She even licked a bit of custard, but then stopped. On Monday, her last afternoon, she bravely licked crushed prawns off a sideplate which I had to hold at an angle at her poor little face, so lethargic was she. I feel bad that I picked her up and put her outside; I thought that if she got a bit of sunshine and fresh air that would somehow make her feel better. Instead she just slumped down. I, too, am going through unspeakable guilt: why did I let Bertie sleep on Ryd's place on the couch on the Sunday, why?? All she wanted was a quiet snooze in her favourite spot and I denied her that. Why did I squirt the medicine into her throat (with a syringe) with such a violent action? Did she hate me for it? I was only trying so desperately to make her well. And then, when we took her into the vet's that fateful Monday evening and the vet said to wait forty minutes while they took blood and x-rays, why oh why did I leave the vet's surgery to drive around for those forty minutes? When we came back we raced up to the hospital but she either had already or was fast slipping away. I told her I loved her, but I think she was no longer compus mentus enough to hear my words which meant that when we left the vet's she must have thought we were abandoning her. I guess that we just have to know that we were trying our best to help them in the hope that they would or could get well. And I hope and pray that they knew we were trying to help them. Because that's exactly what each of us was trying to do.
Like you I was aghast that the end came so quickly. I did have a creeping fear that we would have to make 'the decision', possibly even that very evening, but when we left her at five to six I had NO idea, nor did the vet, that she would go into respiratory failure and pass so quickly. I had wanted to bring her home and have the vet come to put her to sleep in a familiar place with me stroking her and telling her how much I loved her. But that's wasn't to be.
I know it will be difficult when Brandy's ashes come home, but you must remember that even though Brandy's physical form on earth was a beautiful one, all the things that made Brandy, Brandy, are STILL in existence and around you and you WILL see him again. I am ever more convinced of it. I am devastated becasue in less than two weeks I leave this house and move to a different continent. My lovely Ryddley is buried in the garden here in her favourite spot under a flowering bush. I have been so distressed about the fact that I won't be 'around' her, but I must take comfort in the knowledge that she is around me! Wherever I am. Wishing you peace and love to you, your husband (and it must be very difficult for him, too) and Brandy and Furball.
B

PS. Sorry I meant to say 'her', not him (ref Brandy). Am not thinking very clearly right now. My apologies. )

Brigid,
It was painful last night when my husband brought Brandy's ashes home. After so many years of having her around, thats all that was left of her. My husband has tried to be strong for me, but i know he misses her too. They used to go hiking almost every day.
I too felt bad trying to force her medicine down her throat, but i just wanted her to get better. But the only thing she wanted was water. I would put some in a bowl and hold her head up so she could drink. I know your Ryd did not hate you for trying to get her medicine down her, she knew you would never do anything to hurt her. And letting Bertie sleep in Ryd's place on the couch, you weren't to know what the outcome was going to be later on. At the vets when you said she was slipping away and you told her you loved her, but you didn't think she heard. I know she did, she could feel the love as well as hear it.
When Brandy got sick and we took her to the vets, i didn't think she was going to make it then. The vet wanted to put her to sleep then, but i asked him if there was anything he could do, and he put her on an IV, gave her antibiotics and she started getting better. By the 3rd day she was going outside for walks and eating. I couldn't believe i had my baby back. When we took her home i was just so grateful to have her there. But the next day she got sick again. Now i wonder if we didn't do enough to try and make her well again. She got better once, so why not again. But i made a promise to my husband that i wouldn't let her suffer. 14 years ago i had a ##erpoo named Shoo Shoo. As she got older she started going deaf and she lost most of her sight. She was 18 and though she wasn't in any pain she was just existing. I would have to pick her up and carry her outside to go to the bathroom, she would go and i would carry her back in the house again. I knew i should have let her go before i did, but i just couldn't do it. My husband reminded me of this when Brandy got sick and made me promise i wouldn't do that to her. Now i wonder if i rushed into it too fast because of Shoo Shoo.
When Furball died we brought her home from the vets and i just held her and stroked her and told her i loved her. She looked so peaceful. My husband buried her in the back yard along with another cat we lost a few years ago and my sons two cats. I too think about what i would do if i ever moved from here. You want to be around your babies, but like you said they will always be around us. maybe you can take a cutting from the bush that covers her grave. Where are you moving to? Will you still be able to visit this web site? I too feel a kinship with you because of our babies.
When i told my husband what i thought about Duchess on her walk yesterday, that she sensed Brandy was there with her i thought he'd think i was crazy. But he agreed with me. He knows Duchess really misses her. We got Duchess when Brandy was a year old, so they grew up together. I think Brandy thought she was her baby. Last night she laid by the front door looking out of the screen door, which is where Brandy would lay a lot at night, feeling the night breeze coming through. It was as though she was looking for her.
I know the guilt we both feel will go in time, we just have to remember that we would have done anything for them, and did. And they knew it. I was telling my son last night why did i worry so much about giving Brandy certain things. When i was eating something i knew she would like some of i wouldn't give it to her cause i thought it wasn't good for her. But look where it got me. Now i wish she was here so i could spoil her and give her things she wasn't supposed to have, like human food.
Anyway i've ramble on too long, i appologise but it feels good to get everything out. I wish you so much peace, and just know that Ryd is watching over you and loving you.
Janet

Janet, please don't apologise for 'rambling'; if not here, then where? And I LOVE reading everyone's accounts of their furry friends; it makes me feel connected and it also reassures me that I am not so alone in this dreadful pain, guilt, anguish, loss and times of what other people perceive to be morbid craziness. I have had a good read of the site today, including everyone's tributes and will post my own in the next day or so. Everyone seems to lovely that I can't help thinking that if evryone in the world was like the people on this forum, then the world would be a better place.
As regards Brandy and her reprieve, I honestly don't believe you could have done anything more to help her. You and I are in the same boat as regards that particular fear, but the truth is both Brandy and Ryddley were poorly. You were lucky to have her with you and that she enjoyed walks and her food. Ryd, too, on the Sunday, ate better than she had done for a while and even licked custard off my fingers, but the truth is they were poorly and though it tears us apart, it was their time to go. I don't believe you made any rash judgement call on account of Shoo Shoo; I truly don't. I also had to put bowls of water all over the place (it was also the only thing Ryd would really seek out), and I, too, held her head as she drank. She even drank from a bowl on my bedside table and I had her lying on the pillow next to me. (The bowl is still there and I am letting the water evaporate; I just cannot bring myself to pour it away). But really, Janet, would we have wanted either of our beloved girlies to continue in this way? I know that although selfishly I want Ryd with me so badly, this was not a good life for her. Wherever they are now, they are in full health and the picture of that gives me comfort as it should you.
I am glad you held Furball and stroked her. I did the same thing with Ryd on Monday night. When we brought her lifeless little body back from the vets, I lay with her all night and stroked her and spoke to her. It was a dreadful evening, but I would have felt so much worse if I had not done so. Jim wanted to bury her that evening, but I absolutely would not hear of it. and now I am glad that I went through all the rituals I did, even if in the ultimate &%^ysis they were only for me. Gee, I hope they are all together; wouldn't that be nice. With a mommy as nice as you they must be lovely furries.
Yes, I am gutted about moving away from this spot, but I really have no choice. And I am moving FAR away, to Africa. I would take a cutting with me but it is illegal to transport plant matter so I might try, but I must also be prepared for the cutting being confiscated at Customs. I will indeed still be able to visit this site and will do so very, very often. It is the only thing getting me through this, and I am certain that once the hysteria about being away from her physical resting place really kicks in, I will need everyone here even more.
It has just past the twenty-to seven time marker (I mark it every day now) since she left and I hate the time. It is threatening to rain tonight (it's evening here) and I am already getting panicky about her little body getting wet. I believe cognitively adn deep in the recesses of all I hold true that she is in the spirit realm and cannot be wet, hungry, thirsty or poorly anymore, although my faith is taking one huge testing right now, but even though I know that she is in a safe, happy place where she can't get wet (she hated getting wet) I am still so panicky that I have been trying to cover her grave with things to prevent this happening. I know it's daft; I am sure people reading this will think I am losing my fe w remaining marbles, but that's how it goes during these times, isn't it?
What will you do with Brandy's ashes? I am somewhat envious that you have her ashes to be near you.
Wishing you peace and serenity and all the things we all need right now. And don't ever feel bad about 'rambling'; I love reading all this stuff. And feel free to email, too, if you so wish.
B
x

Brigid,
I want to send a picture of Brandy and Furball but don't know how to do it. Could you please tell me how you put in a picture of Ryd. I don't know a lot about computers so my husband will have to do it for me.
Janet

Hi Janet
I have emailed you the instructions for avatars and inserting pictures into your replies. I know we are all looking forward to seeing piccies of your Brandy and Furball, and if, for one, am very keen to see what Ryd's new buddies look like!
B
x

Brigid,
Did you get the e. mail i sent you with a picture of Brandy & Furball? My husband and i have been trying all day to add there picture to my file. I would love to add it because there such beautiful babies.
Tomorrow will be a hard day for me because it will be one week since i lost Brandy. I feel like she's been gone forever. Since i got to hold her and tell her i love her. It's been the longest week of my life. I'm trying not to think about her last few days here, but all the years before that when she was healthy and had so much energy. Today i went to the grocery store and i felt so guilty. Like how could i even think about going anywhere at a time like this. Most of the time i just sit on the couch. I don't want to read or watch TV. It seems like too much of an effort to do anything. I forgot half of the things i needed to get at the store, my mind just wasn't on it.
I was doing some laundry today and came across the t. shirt i was wearing when i took Furball to the vets. It still had her blood on it, and brought everything back.
I can imagine how hard it is going to be for you moving to Africa, but just remember Ryd will be with you no matter where you live. He'll always be around you. Are you going to Africa for work? How long will you be gone?
I need to find out what other people have done with the ashes of there furbabies. I still have the ashes from Liz and Shoo Shoo who died 14 and 18 years ago. I have them in a cupboard drawer and will put Brandy's in there too. But i would love to have a memorial or something.
I have been spoiling Duchess and Cleo today, giving them treats and such. I used to hesitate giving them too many or giving them things that weren't that healthy for them. But it didn't get me anywhere with Brandy, so i am going to spoil them as much as i can.
I've been meaning to ask you where you got the name Ryddley from? It's an unusual name. How are you coping?
I have received several cards in the mail for Brandy & Furball. My family has been really supportive through all this. I got a card from my vets, they were all so nice during everything that was going on. When Liz died years ago the vet i had then sent me some flowers and a really beautiful card. I took a picture of them and still have it.
PLease think of me tomorrow at 12:30pm, which is the time Brandy went to the Rainbow Bridge a week ago.
Janet.

Hi Janet
I have indeed got your email and aren't your babies beautiful! I sent you back the images as your requested, although it's difficult becasue of size and shape of the pics.
Yes, today is going to be very, very hard for us. Of course I shall think of you, but as I don't know what time 12h30 your time is in UK terms, I shall think of you and include you in my prayers all day, just to be sure.
Ryd was not our cat originally. She used to belong to our neighbour, but he had two dogs and another cat, and RyddleyPid was not fond of sharing her space with other furry ones, so when I started showering her with attention she started to visit more and more and then one day just decided she was never leaving our house again. That was seven years ago and she was a very happy girlie here. Being a torty-cat, Ryd was by all accounts a little fireball as a kitten. (I never knew her to be anything other than a complete honey, except when other furries -excelt Bertie- encroached on her territory). When my neighbour got her as a kitten he likened her temperament to Sigourney Weaver's character in Alien, the movie, but he got the name wrong. Instead of calling her Ripley, he called her Ryddley, hence Ryd and that's how she got her name. The night she died I calculated that we also called her by no fewer than 46 other pet names; it's a wonder the poor girl wasn't confused! ;o)
I have also been unable to do much of anything at all this past week and today is going to be awful, awful, awful. I also refuse to wash anything that has her fur on it and the last thing I want to do, as you can imagine, is pack anything at all, much less move to a different continent. The whole thing is awful.
Anyway, Janet, my thoughts are with you and Brandy and Furball today. Please God, our little furries are watching us as they sit all together.
Love
B
x

In 2 hours 45 minutes it will be 1 week since i lost Brandy. I am hurting so much now, knowing i'll never get to hug her and kiss her and tell her i love her. She was such a sweet gentle dog. I'm trying to remember all the joy she brought me in the 13 years i had her. But i keep thinking of her last few hours here, being in the vets (though in the last hour i stayed with her at the vets) she looked so scared, not knowing what was going on. I just want her back!!!!!!! I love you Brandy.

You'll be able to tell her you love her today and every day until you are able to hug her and kiss her again! It isn't the same, I know, but it's true nonetheless.
B
x

Here is a poem that they gave me at the Pet Cemetery where i had Brandy cremated. In 15 minutes it will be 1 week since i lost her. Sweet dreams Brandy, i love you.
Ma

"My Dog"

I wonder if Christ had a little old dog
All shiny and silky like mine?
And a nose round and wet
With two cute little ears
And two eyes brown and tender that shine.

I'm sure if he had, that that little dog
Knew right from the start he was God,
That he needed no proof that Christ was divine,
And just worshipped the ground where he trod.

I'm afraid that he hadn't, because i have read,
How he prayed in the garden alone,
For all of his friends and disciples had fled
Even Peter the one they called stone.

And oh! I am sure, that that little dog,
With a heart so tender and warm
Would never have left him to suffer alone
But creeping right under his arm
Would have licked the dear fingers,
In agony clasped, and counting all favors but loss,
When they took him away would have trotted behind,
And followed him right to the cross!!!

Hi Janet, I feel so bad for you. I don't want to leave the house either but I have to. I missed 16 hours of work last week visiting Cinnamon at the vet, and then taking her home and, of course, grieving after she died.

You asked about ashes...for a previous kitty, Doodles, who also liked the garden, I scattered her ashes under her favorite tree. She loved to lie there and watch whatever was happening in the back yard and I felt that, since that place gave her peace, she would want to leave her physical body there. Her spirit would have an anchor in a familiar place while it grew used to being a spirit...and she could stay or roam as much as she chose.

It's funny, both Cinnamon and Oscar liked to spend time in the same place when I got them after Doodles. Maybe they had a sense that it was a good place for kitties because of her.

Thank you for your letter. It's been a really hard day. I felt as bad today as i did a week ago when i lost her. I haven't stopped crying all day. I am so lucky that i don't have to go out to work, i don't think i could have done it. Just going to the grocery store yesterday was hard. Tomorrow will be another hard day as it will be 1 week since i lost my kitty Furball. This week site has been a Godsend to me, i couldn't have made it this far without all the kind words and letters. Knowing that somebody else is going through what i am going through makes it a little bit easier. Thank you for the suggestion about the ashes. I think what i'm going to do with some of them is have my husband take them to the place he used to take her hiking to nearly every day. She used to love to go there, and i like to think that part of her is in a place she could run and be free in, just like she is now.
Janet.

Well i just got through the 1 week anniversary of Furball being gone. I went out to her grave and said a prayer for her. I told God to look after her until i got there, and i told her i loved and missed her. Yesterday was the 1 week for Brandy, so it's been a hard two days. I like to think that Brandy and Furball are still around me. Last night just after i went to bed my dog Cleo who sleeps at the side of the bed let out a howl and just kept howling. There were no sirens going by or other dogs barking, so i couldn't understand why she was doing it. I thought maybe Brandy and Furball were visiting, both my dogs have been acting strange. At night they lay in the spot where Brandy used to lay and look out of the screen door. I like to think that there looking for her. It would have been so hard this past week if i didn't have my other pets here to love and talk to. I would like to know how to get back into doing things. I don't want to go anwhere or do anything, but things are getting neglected. My neice is geting married on the 26th of June, and the thought of being around a lot of people and trying to act happy is getting to me.
It's so hard knowing i have to get back to normal (whatever normal is).
Janet.

I thought of you today, Janet, and dear little Furball. I honestly admire how brave you are being, even though you might not think it, because as you know yesterday was one week since my RyddleyPid crossed over and today is a week since I buried her; I could not imagine having to go through it twice in one 24-hour period! And I agree with you, the last thing I want to do right now is be sociable around people. Someone today told me "well you must just get another cat quickly". I was speechless. It's almost as though people think you can just buy them at a supermarket. Aaaargh! I almost asked him if one of his children died would he just 'get another one quickly' but I wouldn't be that cruel or insensitive.
Hope today wasn't unbearable for you, although I know that it is as close to unbearable as anything can be. You are lucky to have other furries around to give you some comfort, though, and I really do believe they have a keen sense of loss and an intuitive sense of the spirit world.
Wishing you peace in this difficult day.
B
x

Hi Janet, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Leaving the house has been good and bad for me. Good in that I am fortunate I have a job that I love and on good days I'm so busy I get distracted and forgot the pain for a while. And most of the people I work with have pets and understand and have been good about letting me take some time to heal.

It's bad in that I worry about leaving Oscar home all by himself for the first time in six years, and I feel like I'm betraying Cinnamon. Also, I still have trouble talking about her death and a few times today at the office I nearly lost it - once while reading a very nice and sympathetic email from a colleague who lost a cat last year.

Poor Cleo, I'm sure she misses her buddies. My Oscar still is waiting for Cinnamon to appear but he's a bit less disoriented today. I think he's still mopey though and looking for new routines to replace old routines that she had a big part in (morning wakeups, eating, me coming home from work, etc). It makes me sad to see him looking for her. That's the hardest thing right now I think. I wish I could tell him what is going on so he could understand.

Today i am venturing out for the first time, except for going to the grocery store. I don't really want to go anywhere but my neice is getting married in 11 days and i don't have a gift for her and i need to get something to wear. It's going to be a hard day but i know it must be done. It's good that you have a job that you love, and that the people at work have pets, so they know what there going through. A lot of people don't understand. I can understand you feeling bad leaving Oscar at home alone, i'll feel bad today when i have to leave Duchess and Cleo. But i'm so thankful that they have each other. I think Duchess misses Brandy more because we got her when Brandy was just a year old, so they have been raised together. We only got Cleo about 6 months ago. She had lived with a family for several years but when there children grew up they didn't want the responsibility of keeping her. So my sister in law got her, she had her for a few months and every time my husband would visit them he would say how much he liked the dog. I had never seen her but one time he went to visit he descided to bring her home with him. I was surprised because we already had two dogs, but now she's part of the family.
You said that Cinnamon was sick and at the vets for 5 days about a year ago, but then she got better. It was the same with Brandy, she was really sick and we didn't think she'd make it, she was at the vets for 3 days, then she got better. But she was only home 1 days when she got sick again. And i think it's because she wanted to be home with us for her last few days and not at the vets. It seems like when it's our pets time to go it happens so quickly. I don't know if thats a good or a bad thing. You said you wish you could have given her a longer life than her 8 years. But just remember she had more love in those 8 years than a lot of animals have in there lifetime. I think no matter what age they die at it's never long enough for us.
I thought we would loose Brandy to cancer as about a year ago we had a lump removed from her side. The vet said it was cancer, but he got it all. But he said it could come back. Thats why when she got sick we thought it was the cancer returning. In a way i'm glad it wasn't that as i would have hated for her to go through that kind of pain. The first dog i ever owned i lost 18 years ago to cancer, and it was so hard to see her go through that.
Anyway i wish you peace, until we can be with our furbabies again.
Janet.

Yesterday was a hard day, i didn't feel like i was ready to go shopping! But i had to buy a wedding present for my neice. I was feeling guilty all day, that by going shopping i must be getting over the grief. But thats not so. I still thought about Brandy & Furball the whole time i was gone. But i couldn't wait to get home, it's where i feel closest to them.
Today i once again didn't have a choice about leaving the house. My grandson was graduating from Kindergarden, so i had to be there. When they started the ceremony they sang a song and i almost broke down right then and there. They were singing about Rainbows! I didn't hear any of the other words in the song, and i was trying so hard not to cry. But i felt like it was Brandy & Furballs way of telling me that they were there watching over me. I miss them so much.
The last few days when i've been sitting on the couch i think i see something out of the corner of my eye, but when i look nobodys there. Could it be Brandy's spirit letting me know she's still here with me?
Janet.

Hi Janet, I think your little angels are probably telling you they're ok. I keep doing that, thinking I see Cinnamon out of the corner of my eye. That must have been difficult hearing that song at the kindergarten graduation, but I think you're right...it's another way for them to tell you they are ok and are happy together.

And I'm glad your Cleo has Duchess to be with her - I'm sure that helps both of them.

I began looking for a new buddy for Oscar online. Once I got back into a routine I think that helped him a lot - at least he has gotten over the soft stools and seems a bit more confident about what he wants to do at any given moment. He even played for the first time in a few weeks last night. I still catch him looking for her, but not as much as that first week.

Anyway, even though I feel horrible about bringing in a new cat so soon (Cinnamon would never forgive me! The only other animal she ever liked was Oscar), I did see one on the internet who looks like a good companion for him. So I'm going to ask about her and see if I can learn more about her.

I'm still bringing flowers to Cinnamon's grave in the meantime, and talking to her about Oscar and how he misses her. I'm hoping she will understand - and I'm asking her to be Oscar's guardian kitty. I hope she can agree to that...even if she's mad about another kitty coming into the house. I sure still do miss her - nobody will ever replace that little cat.

Amy

Today was another hard day for me. It was 2 weeks ago today that i lost Brandy, Mondays are always going to be hard for me. Then tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since i lost Furball. The pain is still there but it isn't as blinding. It just feels like an ache all over my body. I have pictures all over and it helps to see there faces. I try and remember all the things they used to do, and not think about Brandy's last day here and Furballs last hours. With Furball it happened so quick. At 10:00 she was sleeping in the garage, and an hour and a half later i was having her put to sleep. I still think maybe i acted too quickly. Even though she had a broken pelvis she still had feeling in one leg. But when the vet suggested she be put down i went ahead and did it. But maybe her pelvis could have been fixed, why didn't i ask if there were other options. I feel like i let her down, i gave up too quick. Why didn't i fight for her, to keep her here. I'll keep asking myself those questions and have to live with it for the rest of my life.
I'm sure Cinnamon will be glad your thinking about getting a new cat. She will remember how much love you gave to her, and will want another lucky kitty to have some of that love. You will never forget Cinnamon and the love you had was special, but you can love another cat in a different way. There's plenty of room in your heart.
Sweet dreams Cinnamon, Brandy & Furball. Till we see you again.
Janet.