It has been one week since I had to make the most difficult decision in my life. One week to the hour. I had hoped to sleep through 10am. But I woke up at 9:45 and knew getting back to sleep would be impossible.
I will never, ever forget May 30th. Monday's will be hard for a while...
I can't believe it's been a week since I held you.. since I kissed you... since I told you I love you and you were physically here to hear it. My world is so dark without you. You were the only thing on this planet that I could truly count on. I would do anything to come to you, where ever you are... Sometimes the pain runs so deep that it doesn't even matter what I'd have to do to get there. I still think I hear you bark all the time.. I'm finding little tuffs of your fur around the house... I can't bear to vacuum yet as that would wipe it all away...
I'm hoping to get your ashes this week. I can't stand that I had to leave you like that. Walking away from you was the hardest thing I've ever done, with the exception of choosing to end your life.
I hope I made the right decision. One week has been unbearable, how will I ever make it through one month. One year.. The rest of my life... I'm so angry that this had to happen to you, to us. If it weren't for that tumor you were always perfectly healthy and happy. You'd have had years left with us. I'd settle for one more day... But instead, I've been left behind, to not only deal with your death but the fact that I made the decision to let you die. You were so happy at the vet's office because you thought they would help you.. Instead, the killed you. They killed a piece of me too. A piece I will never get back.
Rest in peace darling... I am thinking about you constantly, and missing you so much... Please help me get thru today... Somehow.

Hi Jenn,

Your loss is still so new. I spent my first week in tears about 90% of the time. Not just crying but whenever I was alone or laying in bed at night it was more like gut wrenching wailing.

Try to remember that Freeway is at peace now. Where nothing can ever hurt him again. No tumors, no mean old vets with sharp needles, nothing. He is happy and passing the time playing with all our babies while he waits for you, and they wait for us. He wants you to be happy now just as much as he did when he was still home with you. He's not lonely. Time to him is different than it is to us. What may seem an eternity here is a mere blink of an eye to him. Do not worry that he will feel alone or afraid while he waits for you, to him it will seem as though barely any time has passed at all.

Eventually the good memories will begin to outweigh the awful last memories. You may catch yourself smiling while thinking of him instead of sheading the tears that come so easily now. Be prepared though. As soon as you realize that you were smiling, you're probably gonna feel guilty for it and start crying again. Most of us have gone through that too. It's all part of healing and learning to live without him.

Don't try to keep your feelings bottled up. Even if everyone around you seems like they've moved on, come here and post whatever is on your mind. It really does help to get the feelings out. The healing has to take its own course, or the pain will be back, bigger and badder, in some other form later.

Take care of yourself.

Tim

Thanks for your advice, QorquisDad. I appreciate it, and take comfort in knowing that someone who's been through it ahead of me now see's some light again.
I think that one of the most difficult things for me is NOT shoving it all aside and ignoring the pain. I put on a really good act for everyone.... Mostly because I feel I need to. Had I not found this place I know I'd be even more of a mess then I am, as I would have absolutely no outlet for my emotions... I have never been through the loss of a pet, Freeway was my first... and I wasn't sure what to expect.. still am not completely sure as grief runs different for us all.. I am glad to know I am not alone and that others truly know how I feel.. and allow me to share my thoughts, feelings, and stories.. We are all connected in our sorrow... I wish we could be connected for other reasons, but at least we have each other.
As I get ready to leave for work, I will paint on my happy face and face my night at work with a smile... But I am glad that once I get home I have somewhere I can come to just vent and allow myself to be sad. My heart is broken and my longing runs deep.. To only hold him again, just for a moment.. I would give up everything I have.

awwww Jenn, big hugs ((((((((Jenn))))))))))
I saw your post on Steph's thread and thought I'd reply here.

I felt exactly the same way, it's been 9 1/2 months for me and I still whisper "I miss you so much", I will always miss him and it seems like you are so alone but WE ALL UNDERSTAND.

It will get better, the searing pain will fade slowly but surely, bit by tiny bit. You will always miss him, nothing will take that away. We have another very old dog, and also have gotten an English Setter puppy since my Jake passed, and while the puppy helps bring some joy back into my heart he is NOT my Jake, nothing like his personality, but that's ok. I don't want another dog to be Jake, I just want Jake back. I always will.

Give it time, the pain absolutely will become less, I promise you; in the meantime cry as much as you need to. I'd say it took a good 8 months or so for me to stop crying, now I will cry occassionally but I almost have to make myself cry. it's turned into a "deep inside sadness", my heart will never be the same and I feel I will never be as happy as I was when I had my Jake by my side. But time marches on, like it or not.

Jenn- I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved Freeway. What you are experiencing is so painful, I know. I lost my chocolate lab Lucy February 4th to lymphoma. She was only five years old and the cancer struck her too early in life. She died in my arms (we had her euthanised as she was suffering so badly). Your loss is still so fresh. I remember being in the initial stages. It was hard to get through the day. I guess in a way work was a good thing. A friend of mine (who I met through this site) once said that going to work gives your emotions a much needed rest. I also know the feeling of wanting to give anything just to hold your beloved baby again. I missed Lucy so badly that first weekend that I wanted to see her body again before she was cremated. I just missed her so much. My heart was broken, and there were times when I wanted to die just so I could see her again, but I know that was the intense grief talking, and that Lucy would never want me to suffer that much. I can honestly say that time heals the heart, although it probably doesn't feel that way right now. I put Lucy's ashes up in the dining room on a mantle as sort of a tribute/ altar to her. I have her collar, her pawprint, a picture and a scrapbook up there as well. I still haven't taken it down and don't know when or if I ever will. Just know that there is hope, although you may not feel like there is at times.

Hang in there...I am thinking of you...Caroline