Yesterday, 6/5/05, my little white dog Tigi died. He was 13 yrs and 1 month old.

I guess I've wondered what it was going to feel like when this happened, 13 is getting old for a dog and I've tried to at least acknowledge that it would happen. I can't begin to explain the sadness I am feeling. He was always at my feet, following me everywhere. He was always waiting at the door for me to get home from work or whatever. I look for him every minute. I listened for the pitter patter of his paws this morning as he usually wanders into the bedroom and lies at the foot of the bed until we get up. His kennel is empty, his water dish still full. HIs collar that they handed me yesterday sits here on the table.

I can't stop the tears. I want to believe that he is in a better place now, that he will be there waiting for me when my time comes.

I feel so bad. He'd had his days when he didn't feel like eating for years, he had some gastrointestinal trouble. So the last week he'd been off his normal feeding and acting tired. Thursday I took him out in the yard to walk and it seemed like he tripped. I had to help him up. He was breathing heavy and not wanting much attention. Friday I made an appointment with our vet and took him in late in the afternoon. They found a rather significant heart murmur and referred me to a cardiologist that couldn't see him until this coming Tuesday. Yesterday he was worse. Ignoring his food, didn't even want chicken or chicken broth. I called our local emergency animal hospital in the early afternoon and they said to bring him in. My son and I loaded him into our minivan and headed out. It was awful, he started coughing and trying to bark. At one point he just layed down and wouldn't move, he got back up again for a minute then he was down. After too many minutes of red lights and traffic, both of us crying and calling to him, we finally got him there. They took him into the other room, where we couldn't follow. A few minutes later we were told that he had a heart attack and they had performed CPR to revive him. They allowed me to go in and see him for a minute. He was laying on the table on his stomach with a little oxygen mask on and trying to bark or cough. His lungs were full of fluid too. He didn't know I was there but I petted his head and told him it would be ok and I'd be back. They were doing everything to help and told us not to wait around but go home and they would call us. A few hours later we get the call that he had gone into cardiac arrest again and did they want us to perform CPR again? I said yes and they got his heartbeat back. A minute later it was gone.I didn't know what to do at that point. The vet is asking me to make a split second decision on whether to try again but not giving me enough info to make it. Finally a technician got on the phone in another room and told me it was unlikely he would recover from this, and although the decision was mine, they were fairly sure he wouldn't recover.

They said they would give him anesthsia, I agreed and my wife and I got in the car and went to the clinic. He was dead when we got there, layed out in a little examining room. I feel so bad that I wasn't there with him when he passed. My poor little white dog. I guess I don't understand why they didn't tell me to wait around after we'd brought him in. I got the sense that he had stabilized.

They kept his body there as I really didn't want to bring him home. I couldn't bear that. I'm not sure our town allows us to bury pets in our yard. A local pet cemetary is picking him up Monday and he'll be cremated and his ashes returned to us. We're not sure what we will do at that point.

I'm so terribly sad.

Sorry for the long ramble and thanks for reading.

Gary M

Gary,
I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet dog.. I know how hard it is, it's a pain that few understand.
I do believe he's in a much better place now and that you will most certainly be reunited. I hold onto that belief as it's the only thing that has gotten me through the last 6 days. He isn't suffering anymore, and is happy.
My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Jenn,
Thank you for your kind words. There surely is comfort in knowing others understand what you are feeling. I'm so sorry for the loss of your best friend, Freeway. I'm sure you will meet again when the time comes.

Gary

Hi Gary,

When Qorqui died it took me over a week before I could control the tears enough to make it through a day at work. Then it was almost two more weeks before I made it through an entire 24 hours. Being a guy I felt kinda silly weeping at work but fortunately I have a private work area.

Try not to beat yourself up for not staying with Tigi. Had you known that he wouldn't be going home with you I know you would have stayed. You made the best decision you could based on the information you had.

Your grief is still new, it will get easier with time. It's just over three months for me and I still shed several tears a week. It's not all consuming and never interferes with my responsibilities anymore, but it's still happening.

This is a good place to come and let your feelings out. Post how you're feeling, or tell stories of your life with Tigi. It all seems to help in the healing process.

Tim

I am so sorry for your loss ~ I had a beautiful white dog named Tasha years ago - she was an American Eskimo and the light of my life ~ it is so hard to comprehend what is happening when they leave us ~ Most recently I lost my Amber tabby girl after nearly 20 years of companionship and unconditional acceptance/love~ she has been "behind the veil" now for 2 months and 9 days ~ yesterday I wailed for her still ~ I will never be the same ~ yet I go on ~ I have taken in an older unadoptable cat to live in Ambers old room ~ she is 8 years old, very sweet and polite and simple in her needs and demands ~ she has provided a pathway back to life for me ~ I brought her home on May 20th. I feel so empty still ~ my other remaining long term kitty is nearly 13 ~ he is a joy ~ it is hard to live in the day ~ I have forced myself to move ahead ~ yet I am disillusioned and charting an unfamiliar course ~ I was 34 and lost when I had my Ambie come into my life - now I am 55 and lost again ~ yet I move ahead to the light ~ made easier with folks such as yourself ~ openly sharing your own grief so that I feel not so alone ~ not so deserted ~ not so alienated and without hope ~ for we hold up each other ~ and look to the new days ahead - remembering the love from our dear sweet animals who have gone on ~ and meeting them in that place where the souls sing and the spirits dance ~ My heart goes out to you ~ Sincerely, Kathryn

Gary-

I am so sorry for the loss of your boy Tigi. I know how hard this must be for you and how heartboken you must be. It is never easy, no matter what the age of the pet. You always wish you had just a little more time. I lost Lucy my chocolate lab in February after a brave fight against lymphoma. She was 5 when she died, so young to suc%%b to cancer. I still miss her so much, but the intense biting grief has subsided. Now it is more of me thinking of her from time to time with sadness, but also with good memories. I wasn't sure if I would ever make it here, and "here" still isn't the best place, but rather a place without my Lucy. It is just more tolerable thatn it was a few months ago.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there, it will get better, I promise...

Caroline

Dear Gary,

All of us here know how you feel. I lost my Lacy the day before you lost Tigi. I am still weeping and sobbing but it is getting a tiny tiny bit better. I am not sobbing uncontrollably all day every day at least now. It is the little things that set me off. Going to the refrigerator. Coming into the door and she is not there. Going into the bathroom to see her litter box. She was the light of my life and I am crushed without her!
I still cannot imagine life without Lacy. I miss her almost more than anything. And I still am riddled with guilt that maybe I could have fed her better food or whatever, and given her a few more years. But in the end she went downhill so very very fast that I was not prepared for it. I was able to be with Lacy when she was put to sleep and I am glad for that but it didn't make it any easier in the long run. I just hope that my being there for her at the end was comforting to her.

You did all you coulf for Tigi. Life has a way of throwing us curves. We are never in control. I found this site just a few days ago myself, when I had to put Lacy down because it was a matter of days or hours and she was suffering. Know that we all know how you feel and we weep with you in your grief. Tears roll down my cheeks as I type this for you and for me and for all of us on this forum who are grieving intensely the loss of those animal angels that we were fortunate enough to have had come into our lives.

Linda

I want to thank you all for your kindness. This isn't getting any easier yet. In fact today was a real rough day, for some reason. I keep wondering if there was something I could have done different, that would have kept him with me longer. I knew it would hurt when he died, but i had no idea how deeply.

We decided we want to have him home with us, so he is being cremated and we will keep his ashes in a special place here in our/his home. I really miss the little guy. Everywhere I go I see his little face and his wagging tail. I'm glad I found this place where people understand just how much we love our little friends. Even though I am in pain and grieving, I thank God everyday for the blessed gift he gave me. Thirteen years with my Tigi.

Gary