I posted this to the wrong forum so I am now reposting it here.

How do I write about my little Lacy through all the weeping. She was the most precious little cat. I loved her so deeply my heart is breaking. I am disabled with a limiting illness very few people understood. I was ridculed and treated badly. And then little Lacy came into my life. A little white cat all riddled with ear mites and worms. I nursed her back to health and she repaid with 13 years worth of loving service and attention. We were inseparable. There was not Linda without Lacy or Lacy without Linda. She needed her times alone but most times she wanted always to be whereever I was, in whatever room. At the end I had to put her to sleep. I took her outside for a few days in a row on her harness in the grass. She loved the grass and the bugs. In the old apartment she could sit in the yard on her harness and I would be out in a lawn chair with her and we just would "be" together. The last day she got to be out in the grass too before I took her to the vet. She was even throwing up water. She weighed only 3.6 lbs when she left me. When they anesthesized her she was lying on the towel on the table and as she went to sleep. I have my head right on the table right next to her head. I kissed her on her head over and over as I petted and stroked her and told her how much I loved her weeping silently all the while. "Mommy loves you so much" I told her "You are the bestest little kitty in the whole wide world. She was so calm. She just layed there. She just looked the Vet when she gave her the shot. As she was falling to sleep from the anesthetic, her little tale would bounce a bit each time I said I loved her and talked to her, just like it always did. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I hope so much she felt loved and safe, especially at the end. Then the vet came in after she was asleep and gave her the injection to let her leave. I stayed for that too. In a flash she was gone. I am beside myself with grief. I loved her so much it is hard for anyone to imagine. She was my constant friend when no one else wanted to be. She left me yesterday and I have not stopped crying since. I know hopefully time will make this easier but right now it is so hard. I never cried this much when my grandmother died. Lacy was like a part of me and that part of me has been ripped away. I feel so guilty somehow. She brought such joy to my life and I want to feel like I did the same for her. She actually saved my life on more than one occasion. Oh God how I loved Lacy. Oh how I still love Lacy. I cannot write anymore. The grief is so bad. I put her in my arms and took some web cam shots of her before we went out in the grass that day. I had no film in my regular camera. This is my little girl before she died.

My heart breaks with you as I feel your sadness.

You remind me so much of the special relationship I had with my dear love, best friend and companion. I know the pain.

Lacy loved you back as you loved her. Wonderful to know how you took the time to give her a beautiful and loving life. Thirteen years is a long time to share a life. How lucky you and Lacy were to have each other. How lucky all of us are to be blessed with these little angels who bring so much happiness and fill the voids that no one would ever know.

Find time in your life for quiet moments, because they will balance the times of turmoil.............and though it may not seem possible right now.............difficult times will not last forever. Lacy and your precious memories and love for her will.

I will keep you in my prayers dear one.

With hugs..........

Litebrez

Linda,

Let me first say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your cat Lacy. I understand how difficult it is to lose a pet (and a friend). I also understand what it is like to be treated differently and badly because of a disability. I have a severe hearing loss and wear two hearing aids. My hearing loss became noticeable when I was about 15 years old and has continually gotten worse since then. I am now 25 and although many people have been wonderful and accomodating when it comes to my disability, some have not. I have been hurt by many people's actions regarding my hearing loss. I lost friends who would just not make the effort required to include me in conversations. I've had people avoid me, treat me like a child, and ridicule me because of my disability. Although I have always loved animals, my hearing loss brought me even closer to them. My pets didn't treat me differently because of my disability. It didn't matter to them that I could not hear all of the sounds they made. They did not judge me. They loved me for who I am and did not focus on my disability.

My last dog, Duke, who passed this week, used to lay on my feet at night and snore. Without my hearing aids, I could not hear him but I could feel the vibrations. It was comforting to me.

I know you also must have found such comfort in Lacy. As I did with Duke, you may have shared your pain with her and felt that she truly listened and understood. I'm sure she offerred a shoulder and helped you through some rough times. She gave you the acceptance you needed and the strength to go on.

I know your loss must be heartbreaking for you. You did what was best for her though and you offerred her so much love and gave her a wonderful life. I know she was grateful. Lacy will live on in your heart and memories. Although not in body, she will forever be here with you and for you. She has given you something that can never be taken away.

I hope this forum will help you through this trying time. Everyone here understands the pain you are going through and will not judge you.

You are in my heart,
Tracy

Dear Tracy and Litebreiz,

Thank you both so much for you posts. I wish I could say they made the pain easier but right now I guess nothing is going to do that except time. This does not mean that I do not appreciate your wonderful posts. I do so need to read them. I cannot describe my grief but I think all of you on here must know because you are here too. I searched the net to find something anything anywhere to help me. Maybe this is just part of the grieving process but even though I know in my head Lacy felt my love for her, I can't get to through to the rest of me right now somehow. I keep having these fears that maybe she did not know. The last few weeks were so rough. She could not sleep in my bed anymore because she was wee weeing everywhere, and I had to lock her in the bathroom at night and sometimes during the day. I had puppy pee pee pads everywhere. She hated not being able to be with me every minute. I did my best to bring her from room to room with me and made a special basket for her with rugs wrapped in plastic trash bags and pee pee pads and she spent a lot of time there when I was in the kitchen. That is why I had to take her out for a few days into the grass before she had to leave me. The first 2 days she purred like crazy knowing she was going out there and hated to come in. That last day she did not purr but I think she appreciated it anyway. She did walk around investigating garbage cans and stuff as much as I could let her.

God I hope she understood. I felt so guilty all the time. I tried to let her on the bed sometimes with pee pee pads all over the bottom of the bed because I knew how much she liked being there when I layed down to rest. God I hope I did not hurt her too much towards the end. Even the vet was enamored of her. She said she seemed like she was such a sweet little cat. All I hope at this point is that at the end she still knew how much I loved her. I was always kissing and hugging her.

I just cannot stop weeping. I read the post about the blind little cat suzy and I wept even more. The relationship suzy had with her ower was like the one Lacy and I had. I knew what Lacy wanted a lot of times even before she would try and tell me. Out on the grass she needed water (she was drinking very excessively right up until the end.) and she tried to come inside to get it and I held her back. I knew why she wanted to come in. She needed water and I had it in a thermos for her. She drank and drank out of the thermos cup and then was ready to go exploring somemore even as she was wobbly and unsteady on her feet sometimes. She was so thin and frail and she never was big cat anyway. I try to tell myself that my vet told me that she had a good life with basicly no problems until up the to very end. I am an herbalist and into natural stuff and I always fed her cat vitamins and herbally treated her for minor eye infections and stuff so when the end was near, knowing "mommy could do no more" was killing me. I did treat an eye infection that day and the day before and by the time she left me the stuff coming out of her eye was gone and I think she felt better about that anyway. Maybe she thought mommy could fix it again when we were in the vet's office. I hope so. I just somehow want to really feel it inside that she knew and felt I loved her. I would give almost anything to have her back. I know everything that lives must also die, but maybe it is hardest on those such angels leave behind. God gave to me when I most needed her and I will always love her for the love and companionship she gave me. Suzy's mom, and Tracy and Litebriez and all of you, thank you for being here. I know I will be back often in the next several weeks, maybe even years. I just feel the need to keep talking about it for awhile. Oh and Kim R. keep rambling. We are reading. I know your PAIN!

Love to you all,
Linda

Thank you Linda, I'm very sorry to hear that your Lacy is gone in body. I can tell how much you miss her and I know I not only speak for myself when I say I would literally give an arm and leg to have my Sasha back.Not to mention giving up all of my material possesions...that paints a nice picture doesn't it? I would be the happiest one-armed, one-legged, homeless person in history!!
I literally wished I could die when I first lost my Sasha just so I could be with her again. I had her for more than half of my life, and didn't know how to function without her. I just couldn't believe I would ever learn how to go on...but I did. I'm getting much better at realizing how lucky we were to have each other, and I'm so blessed for having been able to love her. It is unfortunate that we can't have them for longer than we do, but I know that there is nothing we can do about it. If we are going to have them, we know we are going to one day lose them...if you ask me, it's worth every bit of the heartache, and if I could turn back time, I would still bring home that pitiful ball of fur from pen A in the animal shelter ! I still miss her terribly, and the pain never goes away {i have actually begun to cry just typing this} but it does get easier.
When you said you could do no more for her, and that you felt like she may have thought you could fix it when you brought her to the vet, you have no idea how well you DID fix it . We may not be able to relish in their restored health with them, but that is the magnitude of the love we have for them. We will sacrifice our hearts, and live the rest of our lives hurting and longing for them, just so they can once again be happy, healthy, and free of all pain. They couldn't know a greater love.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

Linda,
click on the rainbow bridge link at the bottom of my post .
love,
Kim

sweetie
I am so sorry honey
I lost Panda puss this week
she spent 19 beautiful years with me..
I so understand
There amazing beautiful beings
I feel blessed I have 2 others here helping me heal
I feel a peace with her gone
I feel her with me always
Sending u love and hugs em xoxo

I hurt as a read your story, that is so horrible. I know sometimes our pets can be closer to us than other people in our lives... their love is pure, they will not betray or hurt us on purpose. I am so sorry you lost your little angel, she really looks like an angel. I know she is with you in her soul, she knows you love her, and she loves you. She will worry for you and want you to be ok, and you will always be with her. Please remember that the bond of love is forever, and that you are always each other's home, even if it is not so physically. Let the tears flow, but don't despair, because you have not really lost Lacy, it is merely a physical separation. She is now peaceful and happy and nto feeling sick anymore.

Linda, I can understand your loss so well. I am confined to the house with a medical condition and my little kitty Ellie was my constant friend and companion. She was the light of my life and the sunshine in my life.

She was struck by a car and died in December. I felt like my world had ended, my little companion who was with me through all the long lonely hours of being confined to home was gone. There was a huge gaping hole in my heart and a huge empty space in my life that she onced filled. The pain was so intense that I didn't think I would survive.

My heart goes out to you and I know that there are few words that I can say to comfort you. Loss of such a beloved furbaby who has been the centre of your world is so incredibly painful and so full of hurt that nothing can help ... I know.

What helped me in the beginning was coming here to this site and being among friends who understood what I was going through because they were going through the same feelings and emotions too. So please know you are among friends here, and know that we care and we feel your pain. Come here and talk about your beautiful and so precious Lacy as often as you can and know that you will be supported in your grief.

Bless dear precious angel Lacy, Linda's very special companion for 13 years.

With love
jilly

Dear Beloved friends on this list.

It is now Sunday and I am still crying. I try to do things and I have to. I had to get some food into the house and stuff. I did not want to come home because Lacy would not be here to great me at the door meowing at me in a high pitch as if to say, "Well it about time you came home, I am hungry and lonely." It is like a tomb in this apartment. I have not the heart yet to empty her litter boxes (I had 2 at the end) because her little foot prints are in them. I did pick up her dishes and wash themout but that is about all I have been able to bring myself to do.

Jilly, Ellie's little angel-face is so precious. Kim, Sasha's eyes tell it all. I cried to my counselor on the phone today. (My condition keeps me limited and mostly homebound too, but I can get out at times if I am careful enough.) I kept saying to him that I needed to know that Lacy knew how much I loved her and how much she gave to me, and he said something pretty profound. He said "She was always with you Linda. She always wanted to be near you. She gave back to you what you gave to her." That helped; knowing that She had to know how much I loved her. He also said all of us only get an alloted time for life (in this world anyway) and it is what we do with it that counts. If that is so, and I believe it is, Lacy's life was well spent.

Kim I went to the rainbow bridge. Thank you so much for that. I will go back many times. And ravishing, I am crying for your loss of Panda too. I am so glad I found this place even as I am so heartbroken for Lacy. It is hard to go to bed at night so alone. I keep thinking I see her little white fur coming around the corner sometimes and suddenly it overtakes me again that Lacy is truly gone.

I keep remembering things like how she would come up in back of me and lie on the back of my pillow and purr and purr and stick her little face in toward the warm lamp bulb I would be using as I fixed my face. Her little face always came over my left shoulder and when it did I would grab her little face and kiss it.

When she wanted me to open the bathroom window so she could sit on the sill she would climb on top of her litter box in the bathroom and look at me with a look on her face that read, "Dummie, open the window, I need the sunshine!"

I have not been eating much but I finally did eat today. But it was hard because Lacy is not here anymore to beg for chicken or pancakes.

Maybe someday I will be able to get another little cat but not now. The grief is too bad. And Lacy came to me by chance anyway. A little sick stray who I think was abused. I remember it took a while for Lacy to let me hold her but eventually she let me and she came to trust me implicidly. She never really did let anyone else hold her. Whenever the vet came I had to hold her to enable the vet to get her shots. I guess that is why when, at the last, it seemed so unusual for her when she just looked so calmly at the vet when the vet gave her the anesthesia shot. I was petting her at the time as she lay on the table. She seemed to know it was time to go somehow. She knew I was crying. Lacy had seen me cry in anguish many times.

Whever my conditon rendered me severely ill and I was so sick I could not leave the bed, Lacy would get on the bed and put her little head on my pillow right next to my head and lay there and not move a muscle until she knew I was out of danger. So I wonder what she thought of my crying this last time. God how I miss her!

My love to all of you,
Linda

Linda,
You keep those "litterbox prints" there as long as you want to. I still haven't gotten up the strength after all this time to remove Sasha's medication bottles out of the medicine cabinet. I still look at them every morning when I take my vitamins, and think of when we used to take our meds together every morning. I am so rediculous about it that when my other dog was prescribed one of the same pain medications (for a minor sprain) that we still had from Sasha's arthritis, I got a new prescription because I wouldn't use Sasha's. We all do what we need to do. I did tell my husband that on Sasha's one year anniversary coming up, that I want him to move the bottles to the back of the cabinet. I know I definately can't throw them away, I can't even move them myself,but I need to start taking some baby steps, so I have enlisted him to help. He is really good with my grief, and I know he misses her,too. She was only 2 when we started ******, so she was a part of his life for 14 of her precious years.
The hardest thing for all of us I think are the "little things" they always did that we still look for today. Sasha followed me everywhere I went, so I still feel lonely alot of the time. I have another dog, but she is so different from Sasha. She just wants to lie in bed all day! Another thing that still makes me cry is if I accidently drop an ice cube from the freezer. She always loved ice cubes, and would come every time someone was getting a drink in hopes that one would fall. Now, when they fall, I just look at them and cry. We try to make an extra effort to not drop any, just for this reason. My husband actually looks at me and says "Sorry " if he drops one. These things just never go away for us.
I hope you find peace.... I hope we all do....eventually, we will.
love,
Kim