I said earlier that the tears were less.. I think I was still numb... and now I'm not. It's finally setting in that Freeway won't be coming home.
I feel the need to talk about my baby a bit.. and seeing as how all the friends I thought would stand by me thru this have not, I will do so here.
Freeway was stubborn from the beginning. I remember when I bought him his first bed.. he was a tiny puppy, as small as the palm of your hand... I put him into the bed to see if he liked it.. he did.. he growled when I tried to take him out. When I was too busy to play with him, he'd go into my room and steal socks off my floor (I was a messy teenager) and run around the house with them in his mouth as he knew that would get me up and chasing him. He was a clever little boy. For a short time we have mice in the house... and once we got rid of them all, Freeway would sometimes find dead mice and run around with them in his mouth.. I remember once he found an elastic band somewhere and was running around with it hanging out of his mouth like a mouse's tail... it was so gross and then so hilarious once we found out it was only a rubber band. He looked at us as if he was thinking you stupid humans...
He was way too curious for his own good. He loved car rides and I'd often let him sit up front with me on my lap so he could stick his head out the open window.. one day he decided to jump out of the car window when the car was still moving, fast, on a busy street... That poor dog ran beside the car for about 30 seconds before we could pull over... Had I not had the leash on him he would have surely died. I think he was part cat and had at least 9 lives.
He'd always have to 'show' you his treats before he'd eat it.. growl over it... you'd have to make him think that you tried to take it away and he 'won'. Later in life he began to do this with his food as well. Even a week ago he was still doing that. God how I miss his growl.
He used to be adventerous and would run away any chance he got... He'd run and run and then get tired and we'd find him stopped in the middle of the road somewhere. On walks he'd do the same if you pushed him too hard.. would sit his butt down and refused to move.. it was either carry me, or sit here a while, cuz I'm tired! Of course I would always carry him.. he weighed around 20 pounds but I still loved having him in my arms... My arms feel very empty tonight.
He was tough. That is why he lived so long after being diagnosed. When we got him fixed he was playing 2 hours later.. when he had that huge surgery last year to remove the first tumor, he was down and out for maybe 4 days.. the vet said any human would have been suffering for weeks. He loved life and he wanted to LIVE it.. not sit around and whine in pain. He ignored the pain and went on with life. I have learned a lot from him.
He loved to fetch.. and sometimes he'd even bring the ball back.. lol. Usually he'd just run around with it in his mouth giving you a look that said "nanana I have the ball and you can't have it". He absolutely loved snow, and hated rain. Getting him outside in the rain was a task. If there wasn't a way around a puddle, you'd have to carry him or he wouldn't budge.
At Christmas time he'd guard his present under the tree.. I'd say "Freeway, show me your present!", and he'd run right to it and growl, but he'd NEVER touch it until Christmas morning.
He used to chase your ankles, and he always believed that if your foot had a sock covering it he could bite it as hard as he wanted to and it wouldn't hurt. Not sure who taught him that but I do have a scar from his little teeth... I now cherish that scar.
His tongue was too large for his mouth and he'd always stick it out at you. It became a game to catch his tongue... He usually won by smothering you in kisses so you'd leave his poor tongue alone.. I know it annoyed him but it was worth it for the kisses.
The last time I went swimming at my aunts house we took him with us... each time my head would go under the water he'd come racing to the edge of the pool, terrified I would drown... Eventually he fell in and I had to save him, but I'm sure in his mind he really saved me.
He was the best, stubborn, loud little dog anyone could have asked for. There aren't enough words to describe how much I loved him, and how much I miss him. I hope the bridge is a real place, and that he has found some socks to steal, balls to run around with, and an unlimited supply of pigs ears. I hope he has a warm bed and lots of little friends. Most of all, I hope he waits for me there. And much like in life after long periods of time apart, I hope he pins me to the ground and smothers me in kisses... and then spends forever in my arms.

Freeway, I am missing you so much tonight baby. I know you don't want me to be sad, but living without you is tough. Homer says hello.. he looked for you when he arrived and I think he was sad you are gone as well. Please visit me in my dreams and let me know you are alright. You will never be forgotten. Until I get there, keep a petless human company... the transition is hard on us humans too, and someone under the bridge is needing a furry little friend to help them along.. I can think of no animal better suited for the job. Make me proud Freeway.. As you did everyday in life.
I miss you.

Thank you so much for sharing your Freeway's life with us. He sounds like a real character. You have allowed me, through your beautiful memories, to visit mine. I always find myself torturing myself with all the negative "what if" thoughts and what I didn't do for her or when I yelled at her....It isn't often I can think about the fun and silly things my Sasha did and be able to smile...tonight I did..and for that I thank you. I now have happy thoughts to fall asleep to...goodnight and God bless .
with love and hugs to you Jenn...and Freeway,
Kim

Dear Kim,
I often focus on the bad stuff too... I yelled at him a LOT.. he was so stubborn and so loud.. he barked at everything. When we put him to sleep and I was saying goodbye, I leaned over him, already gone, and kept saying over and over again, I'm so sorry, Freeway.. I'm so sorry.. I don't know what I was sorry for. Everything, I think. I needed to step away from the guilt for a few and focus on the good.. and gosh, there's a lot of good... I could have rambled on for pages and pages. But I found that writing it instead of thinking it made it easier to focus... I cried last night when I wrote it, but this morning when I read it again I only had a few tears and a lot of smiles. It felt good to share the good things... In a safe environment where I know I won't be judged. That is now my advice for everyone still hurting and grieving over the loss.. share some happy stories... let yourself ramble on forever. This way the part of you feeling guilty doesn't have time to get thru as you have to concentrate on what you're writing.
Kim, I am glad you went to bed with happy memories... I hope there comes a day when we can each do that everynight.. when the guilt is gone, the horrible sorrow and longing is less, and we just can focus on all the good. It is what Sasha and Freeway would have wanted. Hopefully they are keeping each other company under the bridge until we arrive.
With many hugs and prayers,
~Jenn

Jenn,
just curious...what breed or (or breeds ) was Freeway....I like to picture these babies faces when I think of them...
Kim

Freeway was a true heinz 57. He was mostly Terrier, ##er spaniel, and poodle. I wish I had a picture on the computer to share, I am working on that. He was black with long fur but I kept it shaved short. He had little tuffs of white on his chest. His ears hung down to his collar. For a mixed breed, he was gorgeous. So many people say that you cannot find a good mixed dog anymore. That you have to pay $500 or more for a pure bred to get what you want. I paid $10 for Freeway. He was all I wanted and so much more.

I totally agree!!! My Sasha was free! She came from the animal shelter, and since I was a volunteer there, I didn't even have to pay the adoption fee ! She was the best dog I ever had....or ever will have for that matter. My Sasha was the smartest dog ever!! The other dog I have, that was a VERY expensive (she has all those fancy bloodlines) gift from my parents, is DUMB AS A BRICK ! Oh well, I still love her, I guess we can't all be einsteins! But, I will never have another dog unless it comes from the shelter!
I hate it when people say that animals are in shelters because they have problems of some sort. I'm sure there are some there(because they had bad owners that didn't take the time to train them and they became behavioral problems of no fault of their own), but even these could be easily trained to reverse their behavior. For the most part, they are just thrown away because the people are moving, or my all time favorite, they are having a baby ( I can't count how many times people would say "what are you gonna do with that big great dane when the baby comes?" while I was pregnant ....the same thing I do now you dumb @#$%&*...love her, why should that change? Do people get rid of their first born when their second child arrives?! UUUGGGGHHHH!!! Some people just drive me nuts!! As a matter of fact, she is great with the baby. She isn't real bright , so we worried about her clumsiness a little, but she is surprisingly careful around her, although we still don't take any chances!) These shelter babies are just victims of cir%%stance and just need an intelligent person to give them a forever home.
Your friend in grief,
Kim
P.S. I'll try to attach a pic of my Zada w/my daughter...

I can't for the life of me figure out how to attach a picture! Sorry!

Dear Jenn,

Thank you so much for telling us about Freeway! What a wonderful dog he must have been. Your loss is recent too. However I see that even a long time does not take away the pain for some of us. If we are here on this forum, this means that our beloved angels were the dearest they could be to us, and us to them.

I will say prayers for all of us today. My broken heart is with all of your broken hearts. Some day maybe I will be able to stop weeping. Freeway was beautiful.

Love,
Linda
P.S to KIm. Lacy was a stray and never a more loving animal could I have ever asked for. She was a precious little white gift to me that I can never stop loving.

(((((((((((hugs to u )))))))))))
Panda passed this week
and one of the things that had come up for me was guilt
She was my child
and I treated her how my mum treated me on some levels
As I kept growing in my heart that changed
I did some things I wasnt proud of
Yelled with rage at times
and towards the end when she was always hungry and at my fight I lost it
more like get out
or picking her up and placing her elsewhere
I didnt realise until the last few weeks
How her wanting this way always sub consciously remined me of her going soon
so i was defensive
I wasnt cruel
Just intolerant
I cried deeply
asked her to forgive me
Was in the last few days that i finally understood compassion at a deeper level
then she left me
I let go the guilt
I didnt know any better
I was getting more healthy and loving
But now
My depth of comapssion is greater
because of her lessons
love to u em xxoox

Ravishingraficki,
Intolerant is a good word for it. I was exactly the same. I won't bore you with the details, I already did that at another post, but I ,too, was intolerant with my precious girl as her time grew near. I hate myself for it, and think that is a huge part of my not being able to truly heal. My husband tells me Sasha knew how much I love her regardless, and that it was human naure...my minds defense against what I didn't want to accept...whatever it was, the guilt eats at me all the time. I don't care what the reason was, I should have never talked to her like that. Out of 16 years worth of memories, all I ever dwell on are those 3 specific situations where I acted ugly toward her. Why do we do that to ourselves? My husband is one of those "rational" people that tell me "do you really think Sasha has given that a moments thought since it happenned?" He is probably right, but if there is even a tiny doubt that she was hurt and confused by my actions, I will make sure I will hurt from it as long as I live.
Kim

I did a study on dogs in high school.. and what I found was that dogs have a very small, selective memory. They can't remember much long term, and what they do remember is mostly food related. Tricks to get food, where food is kept, etc. They don't remember these things like we do as their mental capicity is just too limited. They don't dwell on these things like we as humans do... I know it's hard to really believe that, even having known this all along the past week has been FULL of guilt and regrets... They are hard to kick out. I believe they are part of the grieving cycle. But the truth of the matter is they don't even remember let alone dwell on it, so why should we torture ourselves with it. They remember nothing but love... why else would they have remained so very devoted until the very end...

Thanks for your sharing.

I enjoyed the stories you shared and can relate. I too, had a very stubborn baby, up until her final day.

It's funny to think back now, and hope you can treasure all the memories.

My heart goes out to you for your lose, and wish you many happy days going forward.