I truly believe that guilt is one of the strongest emotions that we as humans can and will ever feel. I always told myself that when Freeway passes I will not have any guilt as I know I did everything I could for him. But instead, I feel guilty for everything.
I feel so so guilty for putting him thru the darn surgery last summer. Months of recovery, and so much pain.. only to find out we were too late anyways. I regret not taking more pictures... not walking him more... not playing with him each and every time he asked.
Even though I know I made the right decision, I feel guilty about the way he died. We should have asked for a seditive first, so that he didn't have to yelp at the needle, and didn't have to see me so hysterical. I should have been stronger for him. I should have just stood there quietly and pet his sweet face until he died instead of crying. I should have saved my grief for afterwards.
I even feel guilty for smiling again. I was at work yesterday and was able to talk about Freeway a lot which felt nice... no tears.. not once... and I even laughed a lot.. not about him either... I felt "normal"... but nothing is normal anymore! I feel guilty for laughing, guilty for pushing this aside and having a "good" time. I know that Freeway doesn't want me to grieve forever and wants me to be happy. But I still feel guilty.. I thought to myself.. how can I laugh when he's gone... The guilt is overwhelming. The tears are less... but the ache in my heart isn't. The longing for him has begun.
I went for my weekly allergy shot yesterday... and the smell of alcohol brought it all back... That's what Freeway smelled like after he died.. alcohol from the needle... It made me sick... I have a feeling getting these shots will now be very hard for a while.
I am hoping to head over to the pound today to see what kind of animals they have. Unfortunately, I still live with my parents to aid in the care of my grandmother and while my mom is all for another dog (as long as it's completely mine and I pay for everything) dad is completely against it. He was against getting Freeway as well tho.. and we all know who won that battle... I'm hoping he will see that I just HAVE to do this.. in Freeway's memory.. and for me... I cannot continue to come home to an empty house.
Forever grieving.. but hoping to kick out the guilt before it eats me alive...
~Jenn

Jenn,
I hope everthing you have mentioned is normal, because it mirrors me. You couldn't have known you were too late unless the surgery was done, and you would have beat yourself up if you hadn't had it done, so don't torture yourself with that one. We all have the regrets about not spending more time, going for more walks, etc., but we all know that they know just how much we loved them regardless. As far as the sedative when you had him euthanized, they all burn. They have to put them in the muscle, to save the veins for the euthanasia in the off chance that one vein may not work, and all the sedatives, when given in the muscle, burn, so you probably made the best choice there,too. I chose to give my Sasha a sedative evn though I knew it would burn because I thought it would still be better, but she cried out pretty loud, so I know it must have burned pretty badly, and I regret that terribly. You should never feel guilty about your tears. I made myself stand stoic for that same reason, I didn't want her to be scared, but now I just feel guilty for that because I'm afraid she thinks I didn't care. In other words, Jenn, we are going to find a way to beat ourselves up regardless of what we do or don't do. It is all part of the grieving process I guess. Feel peace in knowing you did what was best for your freeway, and he feels warmth when you smile. None of our babies liked to see us sad, so we should smile when we think of them and just relish in their memories...we are blessed to have known them and should honor that blessing with joyous thoughts when we can.
You will find that there are many things that will bring you back to that day, like the alchohol, I still do all the time from things that you would never suspect, but it will get easier. I hope you are able to welcome a new homeless baby into your home. I know Freeway would want you to honor his memory with such a caring gesture.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

Dear Jenn,

I totally understand your feelings of guilt because I too experienced this.

The wonderful thing about pets is that they loved us unconditionally even though we may not have been perfect. I'm not saying you did anything wrong...no, no, no! But we all feel as though we could have done more for them -more walks, more play time, etc. But the truth of the matter is, it's just humanly impossible to have catered to their every need or wish. It is obvious that Freeway was incredibly loved and therefore I know that you were a wonderful Mommy to him. He will always love you and he will always be in your heart.

I think visiting the pound sounds like a wonderful idea! Although I felt guilty for getting a new baby so soon after Allie died, it was the best thing I could have done, and I know that Allie would have wanted it that way. I took one look at Lucy's sweet little face, and I knew I had to have her. And she has just been a joy to get to know. I realize more and more each day that she isn't Allie, and never could be. But yet she is wonderful in her own ways and I am learning to love all over again. Now I tend to think of Allie's death as just a way that God opened a window of opportunity for Lucy to have a good home with us.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision. If you do find a new baby I will be very happy for you. Be forewarned, it will not take the pain of losing Freeway away, but it will bring new joy into your heart which will begin to heal your wounds.

With love,
Jenny