My beloved little border collie passed away on the 17th of May. She was 10.

She had tumours on the liver and spleen, which only reared their ugly heads about 10 days before she died. I can't believe, in the time before the symptoms showed, she had cancer and I was completely oblivious. Maybe I could have done something to prevent this if only I had known.

We tried so hard. No one could confirm whether the masses shown on the ultrasound were cancerous. She was so full of life, and deserved a fighting chance- which we didn't think twice about giving her. Our vet was going to do explorative surgery on her- he said some tumours could be removed.

Sadly, my collie didn't hold out. She had ten happy days with her "pack" at home, before suffering another bleed on the last day. I hugged her tight at the vet, and promised to come back. She initially perked up after being on the IV, but then collapsed. Our vet tried to revive her, but the cancer had won. I feel horrible for leaving her alone. But at the same time, I couldn't sit idley by at home when I knew she needed urgent medical help. So now I feel sad, guilty, and angry all at the same time.

I am thankful, though, that she didn't suffer any prolonged illness. In between the first day (where she suffered her first bleed), and the last day, she was her bouncy, happy self.

It's not fair. Cancer stole her from me, when she was still so full of life. It's like her body turned on itself.

It makes me sad that cancer affects so many.

I just want her back, with me.

And If I've done this correctly, I have attached a photo of my little beastie Jackie. Her fur was so soft, just like a kitty.

She's beautiful... And you are right - it's not fair. I am sorry you lost your beautiful friend and hope that you can find some solace in the fact that it wasn't a long, drawn-out illness from cancer.

I know that won't help much - losing such a beautiful being is just too devastating. But we are here for you when you need to talk.

HUGS

What a beautiful little baby! It seems we never have enough time with them....you are so right, it
just doesn't seem fair at all....take care of yourself and know that you did all you could have done
for her. It would be impossible for us to know these kinds of things, especially when there are
no symptoms at first. I went through this same kind of thing with Buster and I know how you
feel you need to blame yourself for not knowing sooner but don't - you gave her so much love and she knows that......

God Bless,

Karen

What a gorgeous girl -so precious! I can almost feel her silky fur. What a darling she was, and such a special part of your family. I know the pain you are feeling right now and I am so sorry. You're right, it's just not fair. I only had two short years with my Allie (who by the way, I think may have had some border collie mixed in -I love the breed), but I know that 100 years wouldn't have been enough with her. Please rest assured that you did everything you possibly could have for your baby. Dogs are amazingly stoic in the face of illness. There was nothing you could have done differently to prevent this from happening.

I'm so sorry for your loss. May God hold your sweet baby safely in His hands until you see her again one day.

With love,
Jenny

You are all very kind, thank you so much for your nice messages. It truly means a lot to me.

She was my first dog (I got her when I was a teenager). I tried to forget, that their lives are never as long as ours. But eventually it all catches up.

For me, I guess, the guilt goes round and round. I think, why did I leave her alone at the surgery? But then I think, how could I leave her at home with me, with no medical treatment? And back around we go. Our vet told me it wasn't my fault; I guess maybe it just takes a while to accept this...

She was such a funny little character. She had strange obessessions with moving wheels, shadows, torchlights, shopping bags, and her favourite game was spinning around underneath the clothesline (as the clothesline spun around). I actually think I miss her incessent barking at the possum that lives in the trees near us at night! (I live in Australia)

I truly hope for the day giving our pets a cancer vaccine is as routine as all the other shots they get.

Your Jackie was a gorgeous baby, thank you for sharing her with us. I also had my Sasha,(she went to the bridge a little over 10 months ago) since I was a teenager. She was 16 years old when I lost her. As much as people say " 16 years is such a long time for a Ger. Shep. to live!" it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I had her for more than half of my life, and it is hard to adjust without her.
Please know that you did what was best for your Jackie. If you would have found out sooner, you may have decided to do chemo, but that may not have necessarily been best for her. Chemo is great for dogs who are stricken with cancer at very young ages. They usually recover well, and live many more years. However, as a vet tech of over 6 years, I have never seen anything but suffering come from older dogs by chemo, and it usually only buys them a few months, that are lived in misery. The vets usually try to talk the owners out of it in this situation, but it is ultimately the owner's decision. I think the owners do it more for themselves than for the dog, so they can sleep at night knowing they did "everything" they could, but I don't think that this is always an admirable decision. We should never let our babies suffer uneccesarily, it's just selfish.Your Jackie doesn't seem like the kind of dog that would have wanted such an end.
I am very sorry that you weren't able to be by her side when she passed, but she may have wanted it that way. She may have thought it would be too painful for you....we never know what they are capable of thinking. She knows you did what was best for her, and for that she will be forever thankful. She will forever stand beside you, even when you can't feel her, she is there.

P.S.-that picture of her....it's as though she is really looking right into my soul....almost like I know her...it's a beautiful feeling.

Your friend in grief,
Kim

Absolutely Beautiful ..................

I am so sorry but, happy that you had your sweet love and those years. I know that is so special to you.

God be with you and yours during this most difficult time.

With Love.........

~Litebrez~

I can't help it, but I dream about her so much.

I usually don't dream at all.

The last dream I had, she was by my side, and I reached down and gave her a hug. Then someone said "stop that, you know she's gone". My response was "you're crazy, can't you see she's right here?". And so I walked off with her trotting at my side.

At least I've stopped dreaming about the her lying in intensive care.

I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to write all those nice replies. It really does help.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I couldn't help crying when I looked at your little baby. Dreaming should help you heal, it is a way to heal things that we may not even allow ourselves to think or feel at a conscious level. I'm so sorry for you, and I want you to know that you shouldn't feel guilty, you did the best you could, and you gave Jackie hope to the very end. Her suffering ended swiftly and now she is at peace, and she knows that you love her, I am sure. You are with her in your soul and that's why you dream of her, and she is with you in her soul too. So don't feel like you're lost her completely, she is somewhere, her happy self, running around with joy of knowing that the person she loves loves her too, and that she is not alone. I am here to talk any time if you need someone.

OMG! Jackie is so gorgeous!! As the caretaker of two Borders, I certainly can understand what a big space she must have occupied in your life and heart. I'm sending you lots of love and support during your time of grief. Know that Jackie is looking down on you now, and thanking you for the wonderful life you gave her. Terri

Dear God, this brings me to tears. I was just popping by LS to see what I'm going to write for my one year anniversary of my border collie's death.

Beastie - I'm pmsing you.

I'm so sorry.

Jackie was so beautiful...I am so sorry for your loss. No words can make the pain lessen. I know the grief is so intense. I lost my lab Lucy to cancer in February. She was only five years old. I agree...I hate the cancer and was angry for a long time that it stole my Lucy away from me (she had lymphoma). It isn't fair, I know the feeling. Hang in there...I know the pain is bad right now but it will get better, I promise. I am holding you and Jackie in my thoughts and heart right now...

Caroline

Beastie,

I'm so sorry about Jackie. Please know that she was lucky to have a person who loved her so obviously as much as you do. I'm sure she had a wonderful life because of the love she was given. You can tell from her smile that she knows she's appreciated.

Please do not blame yourself for being "oblivious" to her cancer. You had no way of knowing. Even people with cancer often do not know that they have it. It's a horrible disease for which I pray a cure will someday be found.

I know that you will always cherish the years that you had with your Jackie. Remember that she is still with you in your heart and in your memories. Right now, the memories of your girl may make you cry but later, you will think of her and smile. You will remember her crazy little antics and wonderful little quirks and all the joy that you shared with her.

You are in my thoughts,
Tracy

Jackie, is just so so beautiful and you must miss her desperately. I am so sad for your loss and all that it means to you. My heart goes out to you in the pain you must be experiencing. I too had a border collie who died of lymphosarcoma linked to leukemia. She too, had tumours on the liver.

She was well and healthy and I had no idea ANYTHING at all was wrong with her. The first sign was a convulsion ... I took her to the vet and he said she had cancer and it was everywhere and was now in her brain too, which caused the convulsion.

I couldn't believe it ... she seemed so well and so healthy and I found it hard to believe that she could have been so very healthy and yet been so incredibly ill.

Until her last day I would not have known there was anything wrong with her from her appearance or manner. I was told by my vet that border collie's are very tough dogs because of being working dogs, and rarely show the signs of any sort of condition until it is extremely advanced and near the end.

My heart goes out to you ... I know what you are going through. Be gentle with yourself in these such early days of your grief.

with love
jilly