I never thought I would be one of these people that felt the world stand still when their pet died. I knew I loved Freeway, he was my best friend, my baby... but it wasn't until he was diagnosed with a tumor that I realized just how much he meant.

We did surgery for the tumor, as all tests indicated it hadn't spread and was completely operable.. the operation was a success, and the tumor was not cancerous... we rejoiced for 6 months in the news... and then Freeway started to get sick again.. he would violently shake, wouldn't sleep or eat... we knew something was wrong.

The vet confimed our fears.. the tumor had spread.. it was just too small or hard to see. He now had a large mass in his chest, and was given 1 month to live. My heart broke. He lived 3 months. He fought hard through 2 infections from the tumor, and was constantly tired and weak. But he was happy. One month ago we were told he'd have 5 days max when he began to throw up blood. He got through that one too, bounced back, and was once again my very sick, but very happy little dog. He wasn't in pain.

Then, yesterday, my mom woke me up to tell me that Freeway wasn't doing well... He had had a hard night, couldn't lay down, having a hard time breathing.. I went upstairs with a lead weight in my heart, praying for the strength to know if it was time and to do what was best for my friend, not for my heart. Freeway was scared, tired, and suffering. He took a drink and choked... the tumor had grown and was pressing on his heart, lungs, and throat, making any movement difficult. I knew in my heart it was time and called the vet.

Putting him to sleep was one of the most horrific things I have ever done. He hated needles and he yelped until his final breath.. His eyes remained open, they wouldn't close.. and in them I only saw a reflection of myself, instead of my Freeway. The grief I now feel is intense, and overwhelming. At times I am numb, but usually I am in tears, wishing I could turn back time, be selfish, keep him here. He was my first pet, given to me at 12 years old, and he was my faithful friend each and every day that he lived.

He took a piece of me with him yesterday. I can't imagine the tears ever stopping, the pain ever ceasing... I am heart broken, and would do anything for just one more sloppy kiss, one more time I have to yell at him for barking, one last bath that I know he hated. No one understands my grief. While my family is sad we are sad behind closed doors. My friends are telling me to get another dog and that will cure everything. I don't want another dog. I want Freeway. I am due back to work tomorrow and cannot take any time off, and I am not sure how I will ever get through the next few days at work with him on my mind. How does life just continue on when such a huge part of you is now missing.. How do I get the vision of my baby dying out of my head. How can I pretend everything is ok when nothing is. I miss him so much, and it's barely been 24 hours. How does life keep moving when my world is standing still.

Iam so sorry. Making the decision to help your friend along is the hardest thing anyone can do, but at the same time, it is because of how much they mean to us, that we do it. For myself, it was harder to watch my girl get so sick she couldn't even get up. Be gentle with yourself.

Kerry

Jenn,
I know the pain you feel for your Freeway, and it sounds like we have a lot in common in our stories. I lost my Sasha just over 10 months ago. She was 16 years old when I had to have her euthanized due to untreatable crippling arthritis. I got her when I had just turned 14 years old. I lived more than half of my life with her, and I am just learning to cope with her absence. As a matter of fact, I just had a really crappy moment when I was in the restroom (Sasha used to always follow me to the restroom and wait on me, so I would leave the door open so she could see me,......I still leave it open). My other dog, whom never wastes the energy to bother getting up, happenned to come to the bathroom door and smacked her lips like my Sasha used to do. I felt this huge rush and swung around only to find my other dog standing there, and the pain was so fresh once again. I almost found myself angry at Zada ( my other dog) for being so cruel, as though she had a clue! Everytime I think I'm finally getting somewhere in my healing, something happens to completely crush it, so I just start all over. That is all I can do. One moment at a time.
I do believe that we will be with them again. I have a very strong belief in God, and know that he would never seperate us from ones we love so dearly for eternity. I count the days to when I can hold her once again. Meanwhile.....one moment at a time.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

Jenn

I am so sorry. I admire your courage in doing the right thing for Freeway. It is such a hard decision but one that you make out of love for your dear faithful friend. I am sure that she was comforted by you being with her at the end.

Our kitty Ninja disappeared about 4 weeks ago and I feel like a piece of my heart is missing. I couldn't bear to come home to our home without him so we adopted two kittens. I love them and am grateful that they keep me busy caring for them and laughing at their antics, but I miss Ninja every day...more like every minute. I cry just about every day, sometimes several times a day. And yet, it would be so much worse without the kittens.

Today I imagined that Ninja was curled up in my heart, replacing the piece that was missingand in pain. It helped.

Praying for your comfort
Jane

Thank you for your kind words and prayers.. it helps a bit to know I am not alone in my grief.

Exactly 48 hours ago, as I sit and type this, he took his last breathe... I am just as distraught now as I was then. I keep thinking I hear him.. his collar tags smashing together as he runs, or barks, or shakes...

I had a mother's instinct with him... all he had to do to wake me up was come the stairs... even with my door closed, I would always hear his tags and wake up. The realization that it's not him and will never be again hits me like a ton of bricks each time.

Coming home is the worst.. Even on his worst days, he would get himself to the top of the stairs to greet me. If I had groceries he would come all the way down, to sniff out the bags and see if there was anything for him in there.. and there usually was.

I feel lost without him... I keep thinking it's time to feed him, or give him his pills, or take him for a short walk... Then the image of him dying comes back into my head and I am forced to relive it, over and over again, all day long. I think having had him for nearly half my life does make it harder.. I barely remember life before Freeway... He grew up with me during some of the most difficult years... Life without him right now seems unbearable.

I don't know how I will get through work the next 2 days... Even when we first found out that he had a tumor and would die, I couldn't focus at work at all, I had to redo my paperwork 3 times before I finally got it right... I had someone to help me then, now I don't.. How do I push this aside for 10 hours and pretend like everything is ok... All I want to do is curl up in bed with his collar and his favorite toy. I hate being this way and yet I just can't be any other way right now. I can't pretend I'm alright and I won't, not for anyone. I guess all I can do is take it one minute at a time... each minute that passes I am one minute closer to being reunited with him. I long for that day.. and I will for the rest of my life.

Jenn I am so sorry for your loss and I know from my own experience that there is nothing I can say right now to help you with your grief. Without comparing my own story, I will just tell you that I understand how much loss you feel. Our babies can impact our lives so much, and we adjust to so many accomadations that we allow for them as they spend their years with us. I will pray for you to have a lighter heart and will someday soon find the peace in all of the good memories you have had with your baby. This forum is for us to reach out for understanding, because sometimes the people closest to us in our lives cannot or do not understand. I have been angry at the people around me for seeming that they don't care, but I know they just don't understand the powerful loss I feel, and they can't comprehend the various lengths of time that it can take some of us to deal with our grief. Some will try to tell you when you have spent enough time grieving, but when your ready, then it will be your time. In the midst of my anger towards those close to me in my life, I found loving souls here in this forum that understand and give me my time and freedom to express myself, and they answer when I reach out for help. I found this place last week, and it has helped me so much. I hope it will help you as well. Whenever you are having a hard time, now or 6 months from now, some of us will be here when maybe it will seem to you that noone close to you is there.
Love and Peace to you and your baby,
With many tears- Mos Mom

To Mo's mommy,
I think you SHOULD compare your own story, if you feel up to it. I think our stories are what set us apart from what we can't get from friends or family that haven't experienced it or truly know our pain. I know that when people can respond to me with the same feelings or situation, I don't feel so alone. Every time someone validates my feelings with a similiar experience of their own, I can breathe a little easier that I'm normal, and it comforts me to know I'm not alone in this.
{P.S.-I have also found that when I'm the "share-er" I get just as much healing as I do from being the "share-ee"! So it is a positive situation either way.}
Your friend in grief,
Kim

I have had an incredibly hard time as well since my companion of 11 years passed away Saturday night. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is mind numbing and unbearable, I know. As for work, I cried off and on all day the first day back. It was hard to hide the tears, I didn't want people asking if I was OK. Bathroom stalls are very useful for private tears.

I adopted another dog from the pound yesterday. It just killed me to have my remaining dog, Amanda, not have someone to play with. Though I love the thought of rescuing our new dog, Bella Notte, it has been hard to let myself love her. For one, she looks a little like my old friend Lady. Sometimes I look down and think it is her for a second, just to realize it isn't, and start crying. I'm also always checking that they are OK. When they are sleeping soundly, for a second I think they are dead and run up to check that they are breathing. Yet, Bella Notte has been a very good distraction and I even find myself smiling once and a while.

Unfortunately, life goes on after your loved one dies. I hope you are able to find some sort of peace to get you through this experience in one semi-whole piece. I know Lady has taken part of my heart with her (hopefully there is a heavan) and I am not sure I will ever be able to love fully again.

But since we are going to be miserable anyway, the least we can do is help another dog that has to sleep on the cold cement floor of the pound.

GOD BLESS LADY'S MOMMY!!!!!
I am thrilled to pieces that you have invited a homeless baby into your home. In time you will love that baby in a special way, for it has its own character and personality that will shine. I, too, could never love another the way I loved my Sasha, but when you rescue a baby from the pound, a warm bed, food, and fresh water is living the high life to them. Even if you only gave them a small part of your heart, they would be greatful forever. I just wish I could hug you ! My Sasha came from the animal shelter, so each time I hear of a shelter baby going to a loving home, in my eyes, it honors my Sasha's life. What wonderful companions they make, for they never stop trying to repay you for your kindness.
My heart is full of love and pride for you, Lady's Mom, and I wish you, and your babies, a long, happy, healthy future together!!!
Kim

Im so sorry honey
I just lots my panda bear 3 days ago
it is hard
I feel a peace at the moment
her photo sits near for me to see
she is always in my heart
hugs and love to u em xoxo

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had to put my Chloe to sleep too, she couldn't breathe well anymore, she was trying to find open space to breathe, and then blood came out of her eye... You shouldn't feel like you need to be fine at work. If you need to break down, the break down. It is only this society's fault that if a person dies everyone understands your suffering, but if your beloved pet dies, you're just supposed to move on. Just because this society is full of people who don't understand love doesn't mean you should feel pressured by them. I have to fight against that every day, I dont' feel like msot people understand my suffering. So just let your self cry, even at work, you have that right, and you have that need. And remember that we are here for you, and that Freeway isn't suffering now, and that you did the right thing and the only thing you could do out of love. He knows you love him, and you are always together in your souls.

Thanks again for everyone's support. It means a lot to me and is helping me get through these difficult days.
I am so sorry for everyone's pain. I hate that we are all united in grief, but I am glad we all have each other. I hope that as my grief starts to lessen I too can be a big part of this website... helping other's thru their grief as so many are helping me thru mine.
Work yesterday was hard, but I only had 2 breakdowns, which is good for me. It does seem like people just want me to 'get over it'. It's only been a few days, and not only that, I can't see myself ever truly getting over it. A part of me is missing. One girl kept saying she's going to draw a happy face on my face because she can't stand seeing me so sad (a joke she makes often), and I had to tell her that I need her to allow me to be sad and to get used to it! I don't understand why society is the way it is... pets are family members and the heartache we feel when we lose one is much the same as when we lose a human loved one.
I am considering getting another dog. One of the hardest things for me has been coming home to an empty house, no furball there to greet me. I NEED something to nurture. And I know it's what Freeway would want. We rescued him at 3 weeks old.. his mom died and the owners were having a hard time keeping up with all the puppies care... so we took him in, and bottle fed him, then switched to formula, and watched our teeny tiny baby grow into a strong and happy boy. Freeway would WANT me to rescue another pet... Without us he probably would not have had a chance to live. My grandma is staying with me for a few days (she has Alzheimers and I share in her care giving) and she has to bring her dog.. I am going to see how I feel with having another dog here and make my decision.. Maybe I'll head over to the shelter tomorrow and see if a dog there captures my heart. Nothing will ever replace Freeway. Another pet will not ease the ache in my heart... and I know then I'll have to go through this all over again... which I dread already. But just the thought of getting another dog (a puppy, as I cannot fathom getting an older dog and going through this again in the near future) has healed my heart a bit... I've written this without one tear! Even a smile or 2...
My grandma and her dog just arrived and I have to admit its already hard.. I haven't been upstairs to see them yet, but I can hear her dog walking on the hardwood floor and his collar... and my heart jumped thinking Freeway was home... will that feeling ever go away? I know he isn't coming home so why do I keep thinking he has.. it's torture. Her dog is now searching the house for Freeway... I do that too, sometimes... Hoping I'll turn a corner and there he will be, laying against a wall like he always did.. And the cycle of grief continues...

Jenn

Some people just can't deal with others' grief, and think you need to be cheered up. Sometimes it's because the power of your grief scares them. Even my husband, who says losing our kitten is the worse thing that's ever happened to him, was alarmed at my grief. I had to keep telling him that I need to let it out before I can move past it. If you haven't already read it, "tomorrow is my 3 week anniversary" by "Missing Kamikazi" in this forum has some really good advice on how to deal with the grief.

I also read somewhere that you should choose a pet that's different to your last pet, i.e. different breed, sex or colour, so that you do not compare them. For us, the new kittens helped by giving me something to fuss over and make them feel at home, although in between falling in love with them I'd be sobbing because I missed Ninja! Don't expect too much too soon, but I really think it helps to build new bonds with a new pet. It won't replace your Freeway, but it will offer company and will show you eventually that you can fall in love again.

Jane

Hi Jenn,

Most folks realy don't understand what it's like to lose a pet that you share a special bond with. Not everyone has that ability. To many, unfortunately, a pet seems to be merely another belonging. An item, nothing more. When a pet has a person that truly cares for them, they seem to repay that love and kindness a thousand fold. It is this group to which you belong. Only others that have felt the love and devotion of a soul-pet can ever come close to understanding how you feel. It's too bad for the rest of them, they may never know what true devotion and unconditional love feels like. At least we have had that opportunity. Personally, even with the pain of loss, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world.

Getting another doggie might be just what you need. It also may just prolong your grief if you do it too soon. Only you can know the answer to this. You're wise to "test the water" before taking the leap. In some ways I think I may have been a bit hasty in getting Kali. In others I don't know how I'd have made it without her. Overall, I'm sure I made the right decision for me. She has some of Qorqui's traits, but so many of her own little ways that there's no mistake that she's her own puppy.

Stick with your plan. When the time is right, you'll know. Or, as in my case, the puppy will.

Tim