My rattie named Chloe passed away yesterday. I had to 'put her to sleep". She was suffering from a heart failure, her heart was so large, and I kept upping her Lasix dosage. Her heart was pushing up on her trechia, and her breathing kept getting worse. When we went to the dostor just two days ago he said we can up the dosage of Lasix more, that she has another month or two. But then yesterday her breathing got harder again. I gave her more Lasix but it didn't help. She kept trying to find an open space for air, and just laying there, panting. She wouldn't even eat grapes and they were her favorite. And then blood started oozing out of her left eye, and I though, "ok, this is enough". And so I took her to the vet. I wanted her to feel better, and I hope that she is happier now. Guilt is eating me up inside, I keep thinking I should have taken her back home, given her more Lasix. She was still breathing badly but the blood had stopped. I keep thinking I should have done something more, talked to the doctor instead of a nurse when I brought her in, or anything else. I wasn't with her in her last moments, I didn't even think of that, they just took her away. That's killing me now. I love her so much. I said goodbye and gave her a kiss and they just took her away, and she was looking at me from her cage. And then she was gone. I don't understand how it can be. I keep thinking I did something wrong. That I didn't give her enough of a chance. Someone, please help. This hurts so much.

I am soooo sorry to hear of your loss. I too lost a friend yesterday.
My handsome 'Smokey Tyke', a black smoke long hair 18 yr old cat to CRF. He was diagnosed April of 2004. The past couple of months were precious ones. In the past 2 wks, I actually thought I was going to loose him 3 different times, but yesterday was the one. He was so dehydrated even w/fluid treatment of 150 ml's/day and started vomiting yesterday, too. He was already on potassium replacement, Pepcid A/C, Vit B, syringe feedings twice a day and his Tapazole for Hyperthyroidism. I was with him the whole time and him brought home to bury alongside his colorful (calico) sister Miss C., whom I lost in Dec. 2003, also to CRF.
His Mom and Dad are also both buried here, they have been gone a few yrs, both to cancer. His other sister is still with me. Little T.C. (Tiny Critter), will miss her brother, as they snuggled regularly.
So I most certainly know what you are feeling....just plain SICK.....guilty that you perhaps didn't do everything you should have, or missed something, or did too much, or said the wrong thing, or felt the wrong way, or, or, or, or ,or........ I have had to go through 8 pet deaths since Dec 2003.....6 of those my own pets, the other 2 extended family pets w/us for 12 and 15 yrs respectively. I can't even grieve for 1, when another passes away. I have several elderly pets, due to rescue work I did for many yrs.....my youngest is 3yrs, the rest are 8, 15, 17, 18, 19 ......a combinaton of dogs and cats.....13 cats 3 dogs.
I have so much more grief to "look forward" to. I have yet another CRF patient, at this time, getting fluids daily. Smokey's roommate "Vision". He is 19yrs old and is showing some more symptoms...he will probably soon need to go on a series of epoetin shots for anemia. He has already been dealing w/CRF for about a yr now. Ah well, I have to turn off the pain to take care of everyone....I also have three other hyperthyroid kitties who need their pills 2x/day !!
Take care......again, I am so sorry for you !!
Beka

My prays are with you during your time of sorrow. I share your grief that you are going through at this time. And know that your sweet chloe is in a higher place, she is feeling much better now. I am truely sorry for what you are going through , may her sprit be a great source of comfort to you during your time of sorrow.

Thank you so much everybody, you have no idea how much your replies have helped me. I have felt so utterly alone, like I have commited an unbearable crime. Although I still cannot completely escape all my guilt and pain, I feel as though I can go on and not be eaten alive by it. I am going to go and buy a beautiful kerchief for Chloe, to put into her little casket. I will also put some paper in there, because she loved chewing paper, and some other things, so they may always be with her. I am having a proper burial for her next saturday, and she will be next to other ratties and bunnies who have gone to a more peaceful place. She will have a headstone too with her picture on it, and we can always visit her. I am so glad that in my town there is a proper place to return our loved ones to earth, to let their spirit go free. If anybody here is struggling to find such a place for their loved one, this website has listings for all of the United States: http://www.nepanetwork.com/keepsakes/petcem1.htm

Thank you so much everyone.

Guilt can be a reflexive response to tragedy. I think it may be a kind of "survivor guilt" when we feel guilty just for being alive when our loved one is gone. This guilt can be so cruel, yet we have to tell ourselves that it is generally unwarranted. We all know that our pets would want us to continue to enjoy our lives. Just like if something happened to one of us, we would want our animals and other loved ones to persevere and not be tortured with guilt and grief.

I see nothing specific that you have to feel guilty for. We waited too long to put one of ours to sleep, he lost weight, lost bladder control, etc. But we kept putting off the inevitable. Looking back the writing was on the wall, as it was in your case. I wish we had acted sooner. You should be glad you acted when you did.

Please feel peace about the decision you made for your beloved Chloe. I can't imagine how terrible it would be to struggle for breath. that would be so scary and I know you wouldn't want her to feel that way. I'm sure Chloe thanks you for letting her breathe easy again. She wasn't ever going to be better in the body she was in, so all you would have done by waiting is prolong her pain. No matter how justified our actions are..I say our because I also had to make that heartbreaking decision for my baby....we will always feel guilty for making that decision instead of waiting for them to go on their own. On the other hand, the reality is, in exchange for our guilt, our babies rest easy now,free of all pain and illness. My life is forever changed by that moment, and I will carry this ache in my heart for the rest of my days, but I would do it all again if it were up to me once again to either watch her suffer or set her free. It was the least I could do for her after the sacrifices she made me for me.....that is what true love requires..sacrifice. We sacrificed our hearts so that our babies could have peace. There is no greater love.
Your friend in grief,
Kim

It's been two days now. I still cannot believe it, on some level. I sit in my room and and at every little noise I look up thinking, "oh, it's Chloe running around, what is she doing?" and then I see the empty space where her cage was. I keep thinking, "it's time to give her medicine", I keep thinking "why is the door open, Chloe will run out", I keep thinking, "I should give some of this watermelon (or other food) to Chloe", I keep thinking "how is she, what is she doing?" and I turn around and she is not there. It is driving me mad, I cannot be in this room at some points at all. She looked at me when they took her away, I gave her a kiss and she was warm. Did I betray her? Did I betray her trust in me? Did I not try hard enough? I could have cooked for her more, I could have bought her more, I should have. I should have tried more, but I saw her on the floor, just standing there rocking back and forth with each breath, and I thought "am I just torturing her by keeping her here?" I don't know when it's one's time to go. I don't understand it. I wish wish all my heart that I made the right decision, and that if I haven't then I will be stricken down my self, I am ready to pay. I miss her so much, I did not give all my life to her and now I regret all the time that I spent on other things. I want to pet her again, I want her eyes to close as I rub her back. I want her to lay flat on my bed again, like she did, like she always did, and fall asleep as I rub her back. I read books then but I wouldn't, I would just watch her. I want her to make those cute faces again, I didn't even get the chance to move her into the bigger cage, I needed more bedding and I kept putting it off, so lazy. I know she ran around the room for hours, she wasn't always in her cage, but I was lazy, always excuses, I should have bought that bedding right away. I should have done so many things, and now she's gone. I wanted her to have a happy life, I know I tried but probably not hard enough, most certainly not hard enough. Forgive me Chloe, I am sorry I was not as good of a mommy as you deserved. Please whatever spirit exists in this world open to Chloe the best place there is to be in her next life. THe most wonderful, interesting, exciting and comfy place.

I also had a dream last night. In my dream I rubbed Chloe's back even though she was already put to sleep. As I pet her, Chloe woke up, and in my dream I understood they did not put her to sleep well enough. She woke up from being dead. She woke up and she was fine. She was not having trouble breathing anymore. And I kept thinking in my dream, I have to get out of bed to give her something, but I don't want to, I'm so tired. And I kept thinking, if this was for real I would do anything, but it's not real, she's not really fine. Except in the dream she was, and I wouldn't wake up to give her something because I was too lazy again. I think it's my memory of the one day when I slept in instead of giving her medicine right on time. I never repeated that ever again, but it still haunts me, because that day she also got worse. The rest of the dream is just my futile hope that she will wake up, that she's not really gone, that if I pet her again she will wake up from her sleep. I want her to, I can't believe this. I have to go now.

Dear Chloe's Mom ~ You are experiencing normal grief ~ the considerable self doubt and retribution over what if and what could have been can make us crazy ~ I know ~ I lost my Amber after 20 years ~ I have been so lost and literally estranged from my own life ~ Over the past months I have forced myself to go forward with my life ~ Coming "here " has been a God send and to know you are not alone is such a blessing ~ and we are not alone ~ Also I have experienced the same phenomenon regarding "her" room .. My advice is to not force anything - but rather be with and honor your feelings remembering to comfort yourself with healing things like scented candles, prayer, ceremonies that you can create for yourself that celebrate the eternal spiritual connection that you have through the cleansing power of the greater love that comes from sharing souls with another ~ Please be kind and gentle with yourself and know that God is holding you close to Him ~ You gave your baby a wonderful long life and now she is with you from a new vantage point ~ still lighting up your spirit ~ try to be still and in that stillness ~ you will see that she is only just there behind the veil ~ Sincere Condolences, Kathryn

Dear Chloe's Mom,

I am so very very sorry for your loss and I wish I had words that would take all the pain and heartache away. I don't and I doubt anyone really does. I too had to make that last decision for my little man as did many others on this site. The guilt you are feeling is totally normal ... I think we have all been there at one time or another. It is important though to remember why you made the decision not whether the decision was good or bad. Your baby was in pain and struggling to breathe, you were her protector and her caretaker. She depended on you to do what was best for her and you did not let her down ... not even for a moment. You took on her pain so she wouldn't have to live in pain anymore ... that is most self-less thing we can ever do for our babies. What nature had in store for her was just more time to struggle to breathe and feel the pain ... you have spared her that.

As hard as it is right now, try concentrating on all the years of love you shared ... try remembering those moments that made you laugh instead of those last few moments. Your relationship with her is not definied by what happened in the last few minutes of her life but rather it is defined by the love you shared.

Hugs,
Beth


SO LONG, PAL

We've wandered together
In all sorts of weather,
The sun on our coats and the wind in our hair.
We've traveled the highways,
The streets and the byways,
In country or city, with never a care.
In summer's lush greenness
Or winter's gray leanness
Through fields, over hills, just you and I, Boy.
And stopping or going
Or hasting or slowing
My word was your law, and my will was your joy.
No hills' rocky steepness,
No roaring stream's deepness
Could stop your swift leap or your brave onward stride,
With eyes full of laughter
You'd watch me crawl after,
But always you'd wait till I stood by your side.
But we've come to the lonely
Dark crossroads where only
One may go on, and the other must wait.
Do you watch my feet blunder
With slow steps, and wonder
Why I linger so long, why I'm coming so late?
They'll be long years and hollow
For me, till I follow,
But I think you'll be waiting for me as of yore,
And then at our meeting,
You'll bark a glad greeting,
And we'll start out anew, together once more.

~ Ethel Blumann ~

Hi,
I am new here and still trying to figure out this board, but i hope you find this.
I too lost my Anna Mae Saturday. I am so heart sick I can hardly type this or put words together.

Know you did what you had to. It is the only thing that makes me feel better.... is that she
counted on me to help her.

I have cleaned the house over and over. It is theraputic to me. I know that sounds silly....but I just clean and cry. I swear.. I don't even have dust in the air in my house. This will sound so dumb, that I am embarresed to say this.... but.....I can't bring myself to wash her blanket. I keep it close and bring it to my face to smell her. Then I cry all over again.

She was so beautiful. She was old... but beautiful. Big large beagle eyes and ears that were as soft as silk.
I can't sleep right... don't want to eat... and nothing excites me anymore. I want to pet her.. rub her soft ears... kiss her forhead and lay on the floor with her.

So... I wanted you to know... I understand
love Golden

I truely believe that our dreams do mean something. If I were to interpret the dream you had, I would guess yours was a sign from your Chloe saying she is waiting at the rainbow bridge...and that she if happy and so much healthier. the brief death before she came back to life is probably symbolic of the true journey she had. That she feels better now is her way of trying to ease your grief. She would want you to know that she is better, and since she cant tell you now, she is telling your in your dreams. She is probably thanking you. As now she can be as nothing was ever wrong.

Be confident in your choice. Though it is hard ( I know, I lost my baby on 5/7) right now, it will get easier. In the long run I am sure you will realize that it was the best choice for her and for you.In the mean time, have peace, and know that she will be waiting for you when it is your time to join her. Dont be in a rush, but live a full life, I know she would want it that way. Do not allow others to tell you that you should not be so upset. Many people are not comfortable with death and say such things because they dont know what to say. You are not unusual to feel such guilt and grief. Allow the grief, but know the guilt is unfounded. You will heal.