I put my 13 year old cat, Bacchus, to sleep two weeks ago, and this forum has been so helpful through the last two weeks of grieving, anger, and depression. Bacchus was an amazing feline. I once thought he might have been an alien with everything he had been through in his life: fighting with a chicken, riding on top of a car for several miles, surviving an attack by two coyotes. He had been getting sick every couple of months with dehydration and vomiting and would always get better after some fluids and antibiotics. Being a student, I couldn't afford to do a lot of tests financially.

Over the last month, he started to get thinner but would still play and cuddle and sleep with me every night. I had a feeling about a week before I made "the decision" that his time may be coming. I came home from school one day, and he had become jaundiced. The vet said that I could have done a feeding tube, ultrasound, bloodwork, etc., but I just could not afford that type of care. I feel horribly guilty for not being able to even see if this was something that could have been helped with treatment, but I would not have been able to pay the rent. Nor would I have wanted to put him through feeding tubes, injections and overall pain when I had a feeling that this was something very serious. I was in there with him when he passed. He cuddled with me in my arms before I let him go, and I feel that he knew what decision I had made and he was telling me it was okay.

I have moments of feeling like I did the right thing, but I never imagined the pain would be this great. This was the first pet that was truly mine and unfortunately, that brought the decision that I had to make. I just hope that he knows how much I love him and that I did this because I thought it was best for his well being.

Thank you all for posting your memories and emotions for others to see and relate to. Knowing that other people had the same feelings that I had has been so comforting.

I'm so sorry about Bacchus. He was such a handsome fellow. It sounds like you gave him 13 wonderful years and he gave you the same in return. I think you did all that you could possibly do to help Bacchus, and in the end you gave him a great gift by taking away his pain. Veterinary medicine has become so expensive, and we can all only do what we can afford financially. The most important thing you gave him was your love. I'm sure he never doubted that for a single second...that's the most important thing.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

PS - He sounds like such an amazing kitty...riding on a chicken, surviving a car ride, and a coyote attack! Wow!!

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend Bacchus. He was a beautiful cat. I know how hard this must be for you. I am glad you are finding some comfort from this site as everyone here understands your pain. I lost my dog Lucy in February at the age of 5 to cancer. When you wrote that Bacchus was jaundiced, I wanted to let you know that was one of Lucy's symptoms too, along with weight loss and loss of appetite. Many tests later (and a lot of money too), we found out she had lymphoma, and the cancer had caused her liver to almost shut down, hence the jaundice. She passed a month after her diagnosis, and there was really nothing we could do for her except provide her with a warm and loving environment and allow her to be euthanised before the suffering became too great. I think you made the right decision for your baby Bacchus. Don't question tests that weren't done or couldn't be afforded. You gave him the best gift of all, a wonderful life well lived (with lots of great stories by the sounds of things) and you were with him until the end. I am sure he is eternally grateful to have shared his years with you. Hang in there, the pain will lessen over time and the good memories will remain...

Thinking of you, Caroline

Thank you both for your kind words and support. It took me a little time to post my story of Bacchus, but I'm so glad that I did.

Special thanks to Caroline for sharing your story with me. I think what I've been needing is someone to tell me that I did make the right decision who truly understands the situation and pain. Bacchus' appetite was definitely suffering which sounds similar to your baby.

Something that has helped me is that pets don't fully understand 'quantity of life' but 'quality of life', and I know that everyone on this board provided their animals with the best quality of life. Yes, Bacchus had quite the life, worried me constantly, but that's what I get for naming him after a Roman god!

Kind thoughts to Caroline and Kathleen and everyone on this board.

Bacchus was a beautiful cat. I love the black spot next to his nose. It certainly does sound like he lived an amazing life! A chicken fight? Wow! I am so sorry for your loss of him. You were a wonderful caregiver and friend for him. It makes me happy to know that I've met so many people through this board who love and care for their pets as much as I did my Allie.

God bless you and sweet Bacchus...
Jenny

There are some quotes from your post that I can truly relate to ~ I have added some of my feelings below ~

Over the last month, he started to get thinner but would still play and cuddle and sleep with me every night. I had a feeling about a week before I made "the decision" that his time may be coming.

The feeling you had was communication from Bacchus ~ this is how it was for Amber and me she spent 2 days with me in this form of exchange ~ sending me truth and knowledge of what was to come

I was in there with him when he passed. He cuddled with me in my arms before I let him go, and I feel that he knew what decision I had made and he was telling me it was okay.

The exact same thing happened with Amber and I ~ our last moments together were filled with love and we were surrounded by a cloud of golden love

I have moments of feeling like I did the right thing, but I never imagined the pain would be this great. This was the first pet that was truly mine and unfortunately, that brought the decision that I had to make. I just hope that he knows how much I love him and that I did this because I thought it was best for his well being.

I too have only moments when I feel as though it was right because my physical self cannot believe she is gone ~ the human part of me never can understand why we have to be separated from those we love and it always feels wrong ~ Over the past months here I have learned with the help of others that there is a deeper more complex side to existence that resides in the spirit and takes embodiment in the soul ~ as time goes by I am learning to understand this part more and as a result the guilt and despair is not so great and the moments of knowing that we decided this together and that she actually was the one to tell ME that it was her time are more frequent than before ~

I wish you peace and comfort in the days ahead - I am so sorry for your loss

Sincerely,
Kathryn

I just logged on to this site and I can't tell you how helpful it is to know that there are others like me. It has been two weeks and a day since I had to make a decision, (by phone) to put my cat to sleep. I set my alarm to get up early to go see him, he had been at the vets for 5 days. My phone rang and I just knew it. Like anything that early in the morning, it is hard to make a decision, let alone about your best friend. The funny thing is that and it really is the weirdest thing, right before my phone rang a circle of light like a reflection of something in a mirror shined on my closet door and then went away. There are no windows in the area where the light went and it was the weirdest thing. My other cat and I both saw it and we were like what the??? That was when the phone rang.
I recently got laid off from my job of 10 years and know the difficulties in thinking if I wanted to eat and pay bills or use my money to do anything I could to save Simon. Fortunately I had gotten a little extra when I got laid off and was able to use it to help him. I would have turned "tricks" to pay for his care. I live day to day w/ the guilt feelings of didn't I know something was wrong. It turns out that what the vet thought was a simple case of pneumonia was Lympatic Cancer of the lungs. I was so happy the day she called and said "oh he just has pneumonia". "it is treatable". Then 5 days later, the worst day of my life... I still miss all the things he did. He hit the bells on the front door to go out. (he went to the bathroom outside like a dog!) He spooned with me at night, He growled when someone came to the door. He was my best friend. I moved out when I was 19 and got him w/ in a month. His previous owners had moved out of their house and didn't want to take him so they left him in an empty house hoping he would just starve to death. They lived in the country and knew no one would find him till it was too late. Thankfully someone heard his cries and broke a window and took him home. My friend called me and said you have to see this cat and told me his story. I never wanted an adult cat, but when I saw his little mustache I knew he was my man. He slept with me from that day on.
I cry myself to sleep everynight missing his warm furry body next to me. I found comfort in knowing that no matter what way we were sleeping he would be touching me in some way. No man could ever love me like Simon did. He loved me when I was sick, when I was dancing naked after my shower, he loved me even when I yelled at him for something.
I drove to my camp with him like a zombie to bury him. I was waiting to be pulled over for something and when the cop asked me where I was going I would just break down and tell him that my dead best friend was in the box next to me. I cried the whole way. I drove a normal 2 hr drive in 1 hr. Total tunnel vision. The Star Trek Enterprise could have been driving next to me and I would have never seen it. My dad and I buried him at our camp and I haven't stopped crying.
My family tells me that only time will heal my pain, but no one wants to hear that. My sister told me that God is going to take all of the love from Simon and put it into a man to love me. Ya good luck God. I feel so weird all the time. This is the hardest thing ever. I am a police officer myself and imagine the things I have seen. Nothing has ever made me feel this way. I guess that is part of being a woman. or human?.. Well I could write for the rest of my life about my Simon. I have 2 other cats left, Lucy Lu` and Salem honey. I love them the same, but like a first born child, Simon was different.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this. I am sorry for the length. I am surprised I could write being that my eyes are clouded w/ tears. I am just glad to know that I am not alone in my sadness...

I am greatful that you had 13 yrs with your beautiful kitty. he sounded very loving. i had pretty girl for actually almost 2 yrs. i did the calculations and she was going to be 2 not 3. i wished i would have had 13 yrs with my baby. i am sorry for your loss. it will be 7 days tomorrow so i am being quite strong right now. my sympathys friend

~lori~