My best friend of 12 years just simply wasn't there for me when Punky died. I called her in sobs the day after it happened, expecting to find warmth, safety, and spiritual guidance. This woman was my roommate with Punky and I when we were all young and lived in Chicago together. She saw in that time how close I was with my boy. In fact, you'd have to be blind not to see the bond between us. So when I called her for support, she fell far short of expectations. When I told my story -crying so hard I couldn't barely talk- my friend didn't cry with me or offer to come down to see me, like I thought she would. She told me that maybe Punky just needed to leave the Earth with a bang (so you newcomers know, his euthanisia was torturous and beyond comprehension). I hung up with her feeling so cold and alienated, misunderstood, and betrayed.

She tells people she's a witch, and she's wiccan, and she knows spells. And she always claimed to be such an animal-lover, and said she believed in animal totems, etc. I have always suspected that she was a fraud. Now I REALLY think it.

We talk today maybe for the first time since my above call to her. She tells me "Oh by the way, I just want to put this out there. My aunt is breeding teddybear dogs in case you're interested." I already feel sickened but ask her what are "teddybears". She says "They are a cross between Bichon Frises and Lhasa Apsos, and they all have the same personality as Punky, so I thought you might be interested." I told her there will never be any dog invited into my life as closely as Punky was. He was the One. The once in a lifetime. At most, I'll have a pack of barn dogs, but that is it. Thinking back now, I think I was too kind with her. Now I am angry and think I need to write off the friendship. First, what selfish monster deliberately breeds a new flavor-of-the-month type of mutt when there are homeless dogs being killed daily? And for her to advertise, pitch a sale, and plug this practise to ME of all people!! And then to say that they have a personality like my Punky! WTF is that!

I am angry with her for other reasons not involving her disrespect concerning me and Punky. She is also disrespectful of my boyfriend and our relationship. So this is quite enough to call it quits.

I have such a terrible headache and my eyes feel like chalk. Am I over-reacting? Has anyone else felt this strongly and protective over the memory of your pet?

-Punky's Mommy

Dear Punky's mommy-

I agree and think that her behavior is really hurtful and insensitive. On both counts. When a beloved pet dies, you need to hear things like, "I am so sorry..., Is there anything I can do...I know how much you loved each other and how much you must miss him." I am sorry you were not able to find that comfort from her. I think you have a right to be upset and disappointed. "Going out with a bang" to describe the painful and unsettling passing of a loved one is a ridiculous way to summarize what you had gone through.
I guess you can either talk with her and let her know how hurtful her remarks were or just let go. In any event, I think if she were a real friend who knew you inside and out, she would not have said those things, or tried to get you to buy a new dog "with a personality like Punky's." There are never guarantees like that and it makes it seem like Punky was replaceable when he most certainly is not. It is disappointing when a friend lets you down. I am sorry about that. Just know that there are many others who can really sympathize with your pain and know how special and unique your Punky is to you. Maybe you can just write her a letter if it is too hard to speak with her in person. It makes me sad when people see animals as so expendable. Hopefully her aunt will stop breeding those puppies too. It is a shame since there are so many unwanted dogs who are euthanised daily. Good luck with everything and don't feel bad about being angry...I would too!

Caroline

Dear Punky's Mommy

I know exactly how you feel. I guess you can tell who your real friends are at times such as these. When my cat died I sent a text message to my best friend of 20+ years thinking that she'd drop everything and come over to support me. All I got was a text message the following day saying she's sorry about my cat and she'll think of me. I wonder how she will feel if I do that to her when something happens to one of her daughters. I feel so hurt by it. If I were you I'd definitely avoid this friend of yours. For her to say that all those dogs have the same personality as your beloved Punky is just plain cruel. I can't tell you how many people have told me to get myself a new cat in these past 6 weeks since I lost my Poerie. It hurts my heart.

I'll be thinking of you and please know that we are all here to support you. We know what you are going through.

Hugs,
Susan

Dear Punky's mom,

When my 2 babies were so tragically taken from me. I couldn't sleep and sent out an email to everyone letting them know. I knew we would be going to a b-day party soon and didn't need anyone bringing up our babies without knowing. I sent this email out to 15 people. I got 2 responses. One was a sympathy e-card from my grandmother-in-law and the other was from a friend telling me that if I needed to talk to call her. I was so angry with all of our other friends. I told my husband that I didn't understand why they didn't call, didn't write. He said that maybe they just didn't know what to say. Well, on Saturday we went to the party. I was a little bitter with my friends. I kept my distance and just watched my 4yr old play. As the day progressed, all of my friends came up to us. Asked how this could ever happen. Saying they just didn't know what to say. Gave their sympathies. Sometimes it is hard for one to even know what to say. I have barely replied to any posts because I don't know what to say. Even tho I am going thru the same feelings. I did not feel that any of my friends were insensitive that day. Your "friend" was very insensitive to your feelings. 12 years is a long time to have a friend-even one you call a best friend. I would definately write to her and tell her how hurtful she was to you. When you recieve her response, you will then know what to do. Sometimes people just don't think and say stupid things-that might be her case.

You are in my thoughts

Dear Punky's Mom,

I agree with trinity, I think our friends just don't know how to react or what to do, especially if they've never experienced a friendship as strong as the ones we've all had with our babies. You just don't know how devastating it is until you've lived through it.

Your friend does seem especially unsupportive though. I would call her one more time and tell her exactly how you feel about the way she reacted. Then if she responds with love and an apology you will know she is a true friend. If not, then it may be time to move on. I had to end a friendship with someone who was unsupportive of me and my relationship with my then-fiancee (now husband) and although it was hard to realize that she wasn't really worthy of my time anymore, now I know that I am better off without her.

I do hope, for you though, that she is able to understand how she has hurt you and you can continue to be friends. Keep us posted.

Love,
Jenny

I've known many Wiccans, unfortunately loving the Goddess does not automatically confer sensitivity.

I don't make a lot of excuses for people like that. A friend of mine was once devastated when his beloved vintage car was totalled - his grandfather had left it to him - and I gave him the same support that he later gave me when I lost my pets. You don't have to relate to the loss in order to support someone. You only need to SUPPORT them.

Do what you feel is right for you. I think, however, it will be better for YOU if you try to talk to her and explain that you are a bit upset that she didn't seem more supportive when you were in such pain. If she turns away again - then SHE has made the decision for you.

I agree with the above post. I agree she was insensitive. I agree she should not have suggested the new dog, as only you will know if, when you are ready for a new companion. However, in her defense, many people are very uncomfortable with the greiving. I know I can be. I am not a terribly social person to begin with. But I am more uncomfortable because I dont know what I can tell someone that they have not already heard. Other than telling someone I will be available if they need to talk , and I am sorry for thier loss. I dont know what to say. The old... "They are happier now"or "He is in peace now" or other typical things that people say are not comforting. Also, apparently she was not attatched to Punky as you were. I dont think anyone can be. It sounds like you and Punky connected at the soul.

I think you should have a talk with her or write her a letter. I personally would write her a letter. You can let her know how you feel without intteruption. You can also organize your thoughts more than you can in a conversation. Tempers are less likely to go flaring.

I know you are hurting right now, and I know that it feels like it is never going to end. The support you expected from your friend was not exactly what you got. But do you want to throw away such a long friendship over something that could be a misunderstanding? Not only will you be greiving the lost of your Punky, you will grieve the loss of yor friendship.

I lost my best friend of 15 years over Christmas. I think it was more because language and behavior that I would accept from her I wont take from her husband. She told him to tell me something, and I took it wrong. We have not spoken since. I had hoped we would work things out, but when she wanted to I still did not know that it was a misunderstanding. When I was ready, she had decided she didnt want to anymore. I still continued to try to rekindle the friendship. In Feb when I found my cat all bloody from passing a renal blockage, I called her to take me to the emergency vet clinic. I had misplaced my keys when I was looking for my cat after seeing the blood. I called her to help me, thinking she would call and help me or at least call and tell me sorry she couldn't help. I never heard from her. Boots made it, but she doesnt know. I called her to tell her about Kamikazi too. But still no response. Essentially I have lost 2 of my four best friends in the last 5 months.

You have more of a reason to be angry with your friend, but I really wold take some time to calm down and then write the letter. Then, when you are ready, sit down and have a talk about how it made you feel. I do think she needs to know. But it will give her a chance to explain her side. You are very raw right now. Give yourself a lottle more time to heal before you make any permenant choices. Death of a loved one is very high on the stress charts and it is never very good to make big choices when we are very stressed. My heart goes out to you. If you need someone to talk to you are free to write to me, and/or might I suggest the petloss.com chat room. Chat will give you hopefully a more immediate response to feelings, questions or statements you have regarding your loss with people that are going through or have recently gone through the same thing. I know it has helped me a lot.

In closing, I hope you do not take this like I am saying your are wrong. I am not disagreeing with you at all. Just telling you let it heal first.

I believe it is very hard for some to express themselves when it comes to a loss of a pet. To many people they see it as "it is just a pet" Of course to us, it was much more than that, and the loving bond we shared with them simply can't be diminished overnight.

I also sent e-mails to my friends and family. My husband had told some others, including calling my Mother, the day it happened. I really could not even think about talking about it. She called and cried, and knew I was hurting.

What I found was that the people you least expect the best comfort to come by, were the ones that went the extra mile to do it. Some did just have the passing words in response, but I could feel those who truly knew what I was dealing with.

Your friend may be one that just doesn't understand that there can be a deep relationship between you and your furbaby. Another pet does not take the place, and for her to suggest that in such a short time was insensitive, but she may have been thinking that she was actually doing some good.

Time will tell if the friendship was meant to last. You will know in your heart whether it is worthy trying to save. Let some time pass, before make any decisions.

Wish you the best!
Midwest

Thank you everyone who responded. I am glad that many of you were able to express your similar feelings of anger, emptiness, and confusion at how other loved ones in our lives react to the loss of our furry babes. I know this topic is not a new one, but its good to be able to just express the pent up feelings.

As for my friend, I think I will take the advice of many of you, which is to give it time before making a decision. I think what will actually happen is nothing. When I try to talk to her about things she does she never takes ownership or responsibility for her actions. Her response is to disagree with my accusation in a manner which says that it has all been a misunderstanding and she did not mean that at all and she's sobered that I would misunderstand her so. So, that's her tactic to glide through life. I know a confrontation would result in this, so its kinda of pointless. She's no longer my best friend and really hasn't been for several years. You know how you just hang onto a title like that because the past was so much fun.... So I guess I'm in the market for a new best friend! LOL

I know what you mean about getting support from where you least expect it. My mom would not come over to see Punky one more time. I just thought it was because she didn't want to be inconvenienced with a long trip over. Typical. Afterwards, when I spoke with her, she said she couldn't come over because she couldn't bear to see him just one last time. And that she laid in bed and cried for him and for me. (Woah...I better watch it here..dangerously close to spilling tears here at my desk at work!). I accepted that confession as the best support from her I could hope for, and it was even more genuine than her coming over for a visit at my request. My sister did visit, but called me later to tell me how it all had hit her that there would be no more Punky, and she just could not stop crying - trying to go about the evening cooking dinner, doing dishes, helping kids with homework etc. just crying her eyes out. When she told me that, we cried on the phone together heehee. When my sister came over with her boys for that last visit, one of my nephews in particular stayed by Punky's side with us, while the others came and went, playing outside. Not long after, this nephew surprises everyone by telling his mom that "Punky is his conscience" - she explained to me that its like the cricket in Pinocchio Every few days even to right now, he lets his memory of Punky guide his actions in a "what would Punky do" kind of way. When his dad was caught driving under the influence of alcohol, my nephew solomnly whispered to his mom and brothers "Punky would be very disappointed". I think this is so sweet on the verge of being magical. Its things like this that I should remember and hold dear, and not get too worked up over those who are unable to offer such spiritual gifts.

Thanks again all

I am glad that this topic was opened. I am new to this forum as my Chloe has passed away only two days ago. When I called up my ex-fiance, kind of a boyfriend but not quite (we are in a very strange stage in our relationship but he still tells me he loves me), to ask him to go with me because I had to go to put Chloe to rest, his first response was to tell me that it makes no sense for him to go with me at all. I could not understand that in any shape or form. How does it not make sense for him to go and support me through the one last moment? He did however go with me, for my sake, and he gave me a great deal of loving support, and said the right words and gave me hugs and physical comfort. Sometimes I think people just don't understand that it is a big deal, even if in the end they do care. The second time he shocked me was when I was talking to him online the following day. I had picked Chloe up alone and transferred her to the cemetery where she will have a proper burial. I told my significant other while we were arguing about another issue "I saw Chloe dead today, do you know what that means?" and he said "yeah that means Chloe is dead". I thought that was the most insensitive asshole thing to say at that point. He has since apologized, but told me that my question had only one answer. I do think that sometimes people just can be very insensitive because of anger or not understanding what we are going through. But that doesn't mean they don't care at all. I am so glad that all of you have posted here, it has helped me to forgive my significant other a little more for his insensitive words. It also hurt me a lot when he told me today that he went swimming and bowling yesterday, and I was thinking "and at that same time I was at the cemetery with Chloe's remains". It hurt so much to hear that, I can't explain why, but it seemed cruel that he had not a care in the world and was having fun while I was grieving. He has since apologized for everything, but it did hurt me so. I am going to forgive him because I think he simply did not understand. He is a caring person and when he knows that someone needs help he will always give aid. He simply does not understand at times that the person actually needs comfort or support, and that it is right of them to need it.

I think many of us go through some version of what you wrote. When Daddy Cat died, I tried to share this with my fellow teachers. One of them said that he knew of a good restaurant where Daddy Cat would be welcome. This same guy can be very sensitive when it comes to humans but is clueless about the bond between a person and their pet. The only comfort and understanding I got was from my wife and the people on this forum. I think of people like my coworker as being 'less developed' in an emotional sense and let it go at that.

Sounds to me like she is trying to cover up her own pain.

WIth some people if they acknowledge your pain then that means they would have to acknowledge their own, maybe shes not ready to do that yet and hopefully when she is you can show her how to be there for someone else, something she has probably never learned.