I can't really believe I'm doing this, writing about something this is so deeply painful. But, the recent post from Missing Kamikazi brought back so much that I can no longer hold it in. I subscribe to this forum but have only posted once or twice. I sympathize so much with the grieving I have seen here, and yet, I have been too ashamed and guilty to share my own pain. I'm shaking as I type this so please bear with me...the story is kind of long, but I want to get this out. I realize many of you have suffered terrible losses in the recent past. My sorrow has plagued me since 2001---when I made a horrible mistake and the dog I loved more than my next breath paid a terrible price.

Chester was a Walker Treeing Coonhound I had adopted the year before from a local humane society. He only had three legs because he'd been hit by a car as a puppy. The humane society spent about $300 to have the mangled leg amputated, knowing he'd probably never be adopted. Nobody seems to want a less-than-perfect dog. But, I fell in love with him. He had such intelligence shining out of those big, beautiful brown eyes. I took him home and he became my baby, even though I had four other dogs I loved dearly. He was just so special. He was SO full of life and joy! He didn't let ANYTHING stop him from doing exactly what he wanted. Every day was an adventure, and he could make me laugh over the simplest things. In some ways, he was more trouble than all four of my other dogs put together, but I wouldn't have traded it for the world. I honestly think he saved my life. I have suffered from depression on and off all my life, but with Chester around, I simply COULD NOT be unhappy. I had even enlisted a dog trainer to help me get Canine Good Citizenship certification so we could do therapy work. I knew if other people could only see how much this dog loved life and got around, despite his disabilities, they too could find hope.

And then came March 17th. I had recently moved into a new house with a large backyard, but hadn't had the chance to install a fence yet. My dogs had lived in the country before and loved being outside, but this was in the city, beside a busy highway. And yet I didn't want to deny my babies their yard. So I measured around trees and bought tie-outs, thinking it would be for two weeks at most. I thought it would be safe. I thought I had taken extra precautions. And I placed the dogs outside while I did a few indoor chores. It would only be for an hour or so. My worst fears were realized when I went to bring the dogs back in. Somehow, Chester's tie-out had got tangled around one of my other dog's lines. He must have lost his footing and fell. The tie-out had pulled taut and he was literally hanging there. Have you ever had five minutes in your life that you would give anything to do over? I would give anything to go back to that split-second when I attached Chester to that tie-out. I've made many mistakes in my life, but as God is my witness, that is the one regret I will take to my grave.

I fell to my knees, screaming, and somehow managed to yank the tie-out loose. (My neighbors called the cops.) I tried CPR. I begged and pleaded with God. I called the vet. But, Chester -- my baby -- was gone. And it was all my fault. My stupidity led to his death. I felt like I had murdered him just as surely as if I'd put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. Now, you see why I've never recounted my story here? I'm sure people are reading this saying, "You idiot! What kind of parent are you? How could you NOT know that would happen?" I've asked myself those same questions a million times since that day. The depression I sank into after Chester's death was unlike any I had ever faced. I kept that tie-out. I firmly believed I should end my life in just as much pain as Chester had faced. I owed him that.

So, you see, every time I read a post where somebody asks, "Why didn't I realize he was sick sooner?" or "How could I have let him escape the yard into the street?" I feel that old pain. For a long time after Chester died, I had horrible nightmares. I couldn't eat. I lost 20 lbs. If I let myself, I can easily feel that soul-searing pain and the emptiness I felt that day. But, the years since Chester's passing have also brought perspective and, I hope, a little wisdom. On the anniversary of his death each year, I light a blue candle at 6:30 p.m. and spend the next few hours reminiscing about all the beautiful moments we shared and the joy he brought into my life. And, yes, there are tears. His photos grace my kitchen door, alongside photos of my other animals. His ashes rest on my mantle in a simple, yet elegant, box engraved Chester, Love Always.

I made a mistake that day, and my baby paid the ultimate price. But, I wouldn't make that same mistake today. I learned a terrible - yet valuable - lesson. Unforeseen things happen. There are no guarantees so I have to show all the love I have today, this minute. Tomorrow may be too late. I can still conjure images of that horrible day, but instead I have learned to dwell on the powerful love we shared. The change Chester brought to my life, and the joy he taught me to live with. Now, out of the blue, I often find myself thinking of some crazy thing he did -- and I laugh. I can do that now. And I realize I'm living just as Chester taught me. I owe him that.And, I know in my heart, I'll see him again. And then I'll tell him "I'm sorry" in person.

Hey Terri,
I can well imagine how difficult it was to make this post, but in doing so, I know you have helped so many other people here, including myself -- and yourself too, I think. It was very brave and you have honored your beautiful Chester's memory. We KNOW it was an accident, and we know we don't always have control over things like that. Your post may very well save another beloved pet as well. Chester does know you would have done anything to take that second back. He knows how much you loved him.

We all make mistakes and the best we can do is to try to ensure we won't make the same mistakes again. It is so important, as you said, to give all the love we have today, for tomorrow is not certain for any of us. Your post gives me and others hope that we can overcome our guilt and remember all the love and happiness we shared with our babies and to share that love with those still in our lives.
Thank you, Terri. Take care,
Love,
Marcia

Thank you for this heart filled post of love and self forgiveness ~ it is beautiful and I too have been given hope of renewal that can come for me in the days ahead ~ You clearly are so courageous and brave to share these deep and personal feelings of remorse and pain, love and forgiveness of the spirit and a light in the dark for those of us still struggling within our souls to find some kind of sense out of loss ~ Today for me is one of emotional overflow as some images are coming back to me of Amber's last days that are filling me with tears and bittersweet memories ~ I also am touched and empowered from your words ~ someday I hope to be able to write my feelings as eloquently and truthful as you have here ~ May God Hold You in the Hollow of His hand ~ Kathryn

Dear Terry,

I'm at a loss for words. I can tell from your story that you will carry the burden of Chester's "accidental" death to your grave. I'm so very, very sorry.

I cannot fathom your pain.

We had a sweet, precious, bunny once called Hansi. He was always escaping his "owner's" yard and we were terrified he'd cross the street and get hit. We tried several times to make them aware of the situation but they were far too cavalier and made no effort to "rabbit proof" their yard. One day he escaped and came into our small horse pasture. My roommate suffered from serious asthma at the time and nearly killed herself capturing him. When his former owners never inquired about his wearabouts when he disappeared from them, we decided to keep him.

Hansi was incredibly precious. He loved the cats. Cherie would fix him a little dish of goodies every morning--carrots, bits of apple and celery. One day I came onto the back porch where we kept him and found him lifeless in a cat litter pan. I went hysterical. I cried and sobbed and demanded to know why? Why did you take this precious rabbit from us, God? We rescued him and we loved him. I never knew why, other than discovering that we were careless with a yard chemical. It had spilled accidently on the porch floor and neither one of us saw the tiny puddle. We theorized that Hansi had gotton some of the liquid on his paws, licked them and ingested just enough of the poison to cause his organs to shut down. Our precious soft bunny was gone.

I adore rabbits and one day I hope to have two again one day. I miss Hansi terribly but I hold fast to the wonderful memories I have of him enjoying his life with us and being adored. He was with us for barely a year but brought us such tremendous joy in his brief, but full life.

Terry, you must realize that you did not intend for that terrible accident to occur. Sometimes life deals us a terrible blow. Try as we may, we cannot protect against every danger or incident. Our world is a flawed place, just as we are flawed.

Try to think only of the love you shared with Chester. He would want you to remember just the good times and to try to be happy again one day. Do you think for a moment that he blames you? No, never. If he could, he'd reach down and lick the tears from your cheeks and say, "oh, mom, please don't cry and blame yourself. For whatever reason, I guess I just had to go."

We are hear for you. We grieve for your loss and we hope that God will extend to you comfort and solace.

Animals have souls and spirits, Terry--just like we do! You will see Chester again one day. Hold tight to that truth.

with love and deep sympathy,

(((Hugs)))

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

Dear Terri,

Someone here once said that our animals come into our lives to teach us, and when they've taught us what they needed to teach us, they leave. I'm sorry that Chester's leaving was so tragic. From what I read in the last paragraph of your post, part of what you learned came from the tragedy of his death. It was in Shiloh's illness and her death that I learned many lessons from her...I learned to cherish each and every second, and to live life to it's fullest no matter what your cir%%stance is. I don't know that I would have learned that had she not died the way she did.

I admire the courage it took to make your post. And, I think we can all learn from the way Chester lived his life, and also from his tragic passing. I'm so sorry.

Take care,
Kathleen

PS - Susan, I'm so sorry about little Hansi. He sounds like such a little sweetie.

Terri,
Thank you for sharing your story. I really do grieve with you, as I cry typing this. Chester sounds like he was SUCH a wonderful dog. And I agree that you are so very brave and strong, and have chosen to live life with the wisdom you have gained from his love and his passing.
I used to keep my dogs on tie-outs and they would be entangled sometimes, mostly around the legs. After a while, I stopped using them (the yard was fenced but I was paranoid about someone opening the gate or something. I only used the tie-outs for camping after that, in case I ever needed to keep them secure temporarily.
I can't take away the guilt you feel but I do believe what others have said....Chester was put into your life for a reason. And I know that while his passing was so tragic, it has allowed you to come to a place of peace and learning. I have always believed that we learn life lessons through pain...because unfortunately it's the only way that it has meaning. I am in no way saying I'm glad this happened to you...just from your post I felt like I could envision Chester and wish he could have lived longer because he was SO amazing. But I think you have learned a lot and yes, I DO believe your story can save others....either from using tie-outs or from going into a deep depression.
And just so you know, NO ONE on here would EVER read your story and say "what kind of a parent are you?" You are an amazing person and not one of us here on Earth are immune to making mistakes or flawed decisions. It is my wish for you that you truly find peace and stop carrying this tremendous weight of guilt on your shoulders. I know it's easier said than done, but it's still my wish.
Audrey

I just wanted to thank everyone so much for the showing of support and compassion I have received since posting my story about Chester's death. For so long, I held the guilt and pain inside, terrified how others would perceive me. But the love and caring I have since felt have allowed me take those first steps in healing myself and letting go of all that pain. And if even one person can benefit from the ordeal I've been through then some good will have come out of it. Words really can't begin to express how deeply everyone's responses have touched me. Thank you all so much!!

Sincerely,
Terri

Terri, that had to be so hard to hold in for all this time while reading other peoples pain. I am glad you were able to share that with us, and am so sorry for the loss of Chester. He was a remarkable pet.

I just wanted to share this with you. When my Abby was a puppy, my neighbor brought home a puppy a couple of months later. I now refer this to my Lassie story for Abby. At the time I was pregnant, and decorating my soon to be babies room. Abby was outside, as well as the neighbors dog. My sister was over, and I'm not sure how we realized it, but Abby was just acting really strange outside. She was barking her head off, as she would near the back door, and then run to the back of the yard near the fence where the other dog was. It finally caught our attention, after several times of her doing this. I went outside to see what was going on, and my neighbors had chained their dog to the fence. Well, he was really tangled, and had no room to move. I went over and helped him out, and all turned out well. I truly wish this could have been the case with Chester.

My point in telling this story though, is luckily I learned early on when Abby was a puppy to be extremely cautious when I did have to tie her up.

Nothing can take away the pain you are enduring with Chesters loss. But knowing you may have helped someone else to be aware of the cir%%stances may shed some light for you.

Thank You so much for sharing your story.

Midwest