I apologize for the long posting, but this site has been enormously helpful
to me, and I wanted to let my boy's story out in this great place.



Finally got a picture of my sweet Sunne up... it's been almost a week now,
the constricting, agonizing pain has softened, but the emptiness is still there.
There isn't a moment in the day that I don't think of him.

I guess, after reading other people's stories here, I consider myself, and Sunne, lucky...
I have 3 small children and a loving wife and Sunne's sister to keep me company...
Our 7 month, 2 and 5 year-olds won't give us a moments peace... which is good...
I'm so thankful to have them. It's confusing for them I think to see us grief-stricken
about this, so we've been forced not to show it, which is both difficult, and helpful I guess.

Our journey in the last week has been, A) to survive the void, the crying spells to try
to function, and B) to figure out what happened and why?

It started a month and a half ago with surgery to repair his torn ACL. He didn't
recover as quickly as expected, prompting the vet to X-ray him again where we
found Sunne's leg was partly shattered, due to a weakening caused by a cancerous
bone tumor over the ACL...

Sunne went on without complaint with very little pain medication (one of the most
powerful sources of guilt for me), getting dragged this way and that to various
doctors appointments. One of his last was the oncologist, where they recommended
amputation, and where we also discovered he had an enlarged heart.

The weekend following the appointment he seemed tired, but okay... We
tried to summon the courage to get him in and remove the leg... Then I woke
up on 5/4... his breathing was ragged and he wouldn't eat or drink...
then he crawled under a bush in our yard with his busted up leg... I rushed
him to the vet where we got him stabilized, and he seemed comfortable.
The vet thought the leg was infected, and we should go forward with the
amputation to save him.

I spent some time with him on the floor there then said a long goodbye,
although I didn't think it'd be that kind of goodbye.

The vet said he'd be under heavy pain medication, as the surgery was
very painful, but he'd be bouncing around at home in a few days... So I left him
there, smiling at me with this kind of knowing look, watching me go.

He survived the surgery, then died an hour later of a cardiac arrest at
midnight.

Cleo, his sister, was laying on the floor in a single spot , without moving, the following morning.
She wouldn't go outside or look at me, she just laid with her head on her paws.
I didn't know what had happened but she definitely did.

I was reeling when I found out - I've never felt pain like that... ever... not with
my grandparents' death or my earlier pets or friends passing... I was so close to him.
He was my best best friend. I took a few days off and I stumbled on this site,
found Steph's 'Journey through Grief' thread, which I clung to like a lifeline.

The conclusion my wife and I came to after trying to pick up the pieces
was that his heart condition was probably very progressed, as the raspy
breath indicated on the day he went in for his last surgery.
If we'd started him on medication, it would've been too late, and he likely
would've died with a painful heart attack, like so many I've read about on
this site... The stories are agonizing to hear.

Sunne was one of the lucky ones - he was loaded with morphine after
making it through his amputation, and left us, I know, without pain. It was
his time to go, and a difficult, but important sequence of events led him
to that end. Although his last month of life was excruciating I know.

Now the pain has shifted... to something bitter sweet... just missing him terribly...
I wished I'd seen it coming, been able to tell him goodbye in the true sense,
hugged him, told him how dearly he was loved, and how thankful I was to
have had the priviledge of knowing him... He was there before the kids,
moving from California to Hawaii and back again with my wife and I.. He was truly
my best friend... a saint... kind, gentle, loyal, protective, intelligent- He always
had love in his eyes, a patience, a calmness with me... dedicated to me,
fully, with everything I asked of him... he was a huge being, an amazing
presence... He wasn't a pet, he was my equal, or rather he was a greater
person than I. Maybe it's simpler for an animal to show continual, unconditional love,
but that doesn't change the fact that they simply do, which is a way they are superior
to us as human beings. Sunne was a fountain, and I'm so grateful for all he taught me.

I LOVE YOU SUNNE!
Could take a while to load, but I made a small website here dedicated to him...
http://www.sunnedog.com/

Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your loss. The website is beautiful and I am sure he is honored by your love and respect for him. He was a brave guy. My prayers for you and your family during this time.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Sunne. He sounds like a kind and gentle soul. I can see that in his picture.
You mentioned this

I can understand about not getting to say a "real" goodbye...but I think the one you got was pretty special. And he definitely knew how much he was loved and that you were thankful to have him. You told him that every day of his life by your actions and affection. However I can understand the feeling of just wanting to say it "one more time".
I didn't get to say goodbye to my Jasmine because she crashed so fast. I live with those thoughts all the time...that I never told her ENOUGH how much I loved her. In my heart I know she knew...dogs sense these things without words. As you said, they are better beings than we are because they give so unconditionally. I think when we want to tell them one more time how we feel, it's more for US rather than THEM. Because they really did know.
We always question what we could have done better, what we put them through (i.e. moving), every time we scolded them for something, did we hug them enough?, did we kiss them enough? It's so hard. But as I've told others, the fact that we are even asking those questions really answers those questions, doesn' t it?
But anyway, I'm glad you found this site and please keep posting.
Take care,
Audrey

Thank you both...
Audrey, you're right. I think when I realized that I did get to say goodbye,
and I knew he knew he was deeply loved, well that was the point the pain
started to ease.... even though those selfish thoughts keep slipping in as
the wounds are fresh, I know they'll fade.
I am so thankful for the time I had with him... and how death came to him.
I'll never forget my last moments with him in the vet, and that tired, but peaceful,
contented look he gave me when I left him... He was okay. He knew.
I'm so lucky to have had that.

Ben

Dear Ben,

The website you created for Sunne is a wonderful tribute. He was such a cute puppy, and such a handsome adult.

I think most of the people who stumble on to this website have one thing in common...an incredible bond with their pet. It sounds like you and Sunne definitely had that. So many of the things you said in your post made me think of my life with Shiloh and our relationship.

Please don't feel bad about not being able to tell Sunne how dearly you loved him...I'm sure he never doubted your love for a single day in his life. And, if we were able to ask Sunne about his life, I'm sure he'd say he was very thankful for having had the priviledge of knowing you.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Sunne.
Kathleen

Hey Ben

Iam sorry for the loss of your friend. I know exactly how you feel, we all do. I got to say goodbye to my girl Shandy. Take Care and I wish you and your wife peace and happiness

Kerry

You're right Ben...but dont' beat yourself up for feeling sad either. You have every right to grieve and it affects us all differently. But if you need to feel it, then FEEL it. What I've learned from this site is that bereavement is a process...a journey...not a destination.
The pictures on the website are great. What breed was Sunne? What a lucky dog! He got to live in Hawaii!

Dear Ben,

I am so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful dog Sunne was. Sunne.com is a beautiful tribute to a special friend. Looking at your pictures brought a smile to my face in the midst of crying and missing my furbaby. You are not alone in your grief and sadness at this time. In time you will be able to smile too remembering your Sunne.
May you find comfort here among friends who understand.

Cheryl

Ben- I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dog Sunne. He was a beautiful (and big) boy who was obviously surrounded by a warm and loving family. My lab Lucy died in February from lymphoma at the age of five. I was devastated. Like you, we have young kids, 3 and 1, and it was so hard to care for them while we were grieving so badly. I guess it was a good thing, becuase they forced me to function when all I wanted to do was curl up into a ball and cry. Lucy was our first baby, along with our cat Charlotte. Losing her was the most painful experience either one of us had ever experienced. It was more powerful than anything I have ever known. Someone on this website once said that we see our pets as our children, and naturally we feel like we should outlive our "children," even though logically a pet's life is shorter than our own. It kind of made sense to me.

I can tell you, three months later, I still think of Lucy a lot, but it is not the intense crushing sadness of the first week. I love your website...I think it is important to have something like that to show your children as they get older. Sunne was a big part of your family, and it will help you heal to know that they have some sort of bond with him too. I made a scrapbook for Lucy, and I wrote a story about her life and put in pictures of her and the kids so that they can look at it later and remember her. I have to admit, I have her scrapbook, collar, ashes and a paw imprint up on a mantle as a memorial for her. I am not ready to take any of it down yet. We also light a candle for Lucy about every week or so and share a thought about her as we light it. You will find your own ways to make Sunne's spirit live on...

Take care, it does get better, I promise...

Caroline

Kerry, Audrey, Kathleen, Cheryl, Caroline, Missing Kamikaze - thank you.

This site, you guys... I really don't know how i would've gone through this
experience without this help... I'm completely codependent on this site, I know that
now... I've accepted it. Every time I have a Sunne moment I gotta scramble to
to the web browser! I'm so thankful I found this place.

Thank you all, in the most sincere way...

Hi, Ben-

I know this site was a life saver for me when I first joined. I'm so glad you've been finding some comfort here.

Ben and Family~
my heart goes out to you! i am in a way lucky because i did get to say goodbye to pretty girl whereas my girls did not get that last chance. i got to her when she was still alive and she was still clinging to life. my girls and i talked about that and feel that she was trying to be strong to stay with us, but i basically forced her to go. what kind of life would she have had? she was healing from her broken leg and it was difficult for her to walk normally with 2 pins in her leg. she was about to get them out this month. i know she was in pain, of course~ but she was in shock the longer she laid in her bed while i rushed her to the hospital. i hope that with that shock she didn't feel much because her condition worsened on our way (about a 7 minute drive) when i got to her she meowed at me twice (barely) but she knew i was there. at the hospital i got no reaction. my precious girl was slipping away.I was there in her last moments of life. i hope that god speed your way through this grief as i hope it does for me. it's the worst feeling i have ever had in my life. i hope it gets lighter as time goes by because this is so so hard.
I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL PRETTY GIRL~ WHEN I LAID YOU TO REST ON WEDNESDAY MAY 11, 2005 AT 10:00 AM , MY HEART WENT WITH YOU. FOREVER WILL I HAVE AN EMPTY SPOT ONLY YOU CAN FILL. ~MOM~

~LORI~ heartbroken1

Dear Ben,

I read your story about Sunne and am so deeply saddened.

What a sweet, special dog. I am so sorry that you lost her so soon.

If you believe as many of us do here at the forum that our pets have souls and spirits just like we do, you will find great comfort in knowing that Sunne's spirit is free. I'm sure she has made countless friends in Dog Heaven and will be watched over and cared for by God himself. I think animals and children are our greatest gifts.

My you find comfort and solace here. We share your grief and know that the pain is beyond description.

My God grant you peace and understanding.

with great love and sympathy,

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

It's been almost two weeks now without him... I really didn't expect the pain to
linger like this, but it does. I have these Sunne moments where I get kind of confused...
some kind of denial I guess, where all the feelings of guilt, loss come rushing back.
Even though rationally I feel I have my head wrapped around it, the stuff keeps
bubbling up- But now I think I can deal with it... accept it, just allow it to come out.

It'd be much worse if it weren't for Lightning Strike-
It's just a huge help to understand the process- the marathon that this
thing is. The thing I've really appreciated about this place is how it's
prepared me and given me understanding about the dynamics of
the process from people who've been there. It's foresight - I'm ready for
the grief when it hits- That's an incredibly valuable thing to have.

I'm sincerely thankful to all of you again. I'm so happy I found this place.

Susan - I know he had a spirit- a full, rich, beautiful spirit... of that there
is no doubt in my mind. And I hope so much you're right about Sunne and where
he is now. I don't know what comes after death, but I hope more than anything I can
be with him again. I think about it every day. What an amazing thing that would be...

It's kind of heals you, to imagine the possibility- picturing that kind of happiness
does the heart good...

Thanks for your kind words... everyone. And I'm so sorry for your painful losses too...
-Ben

To Ben and Family, I feel for your loss and at the same time can understand what you were saying about going and not suffering. Although my Boscoe was killed in an act of violence, and he died in my arms. He took only three little gasp and then he was gone. It seems odd why things happen the way they do and what are we expected to learn from it all. I learned alot from the death of my boy, One thing is I need to have a dog to make my life feel complete. I am not as fornuate as you to have so many others around me. Their is me and Zena(Boscoe's wife), and our male friend Mr. Ware. Your sunne was truely a remarkable, beautiful doggie. To think that he was in a constant pain like that and really did't give you a clue just went on as he always did JUST AMAZING!!!! I guess that's what makes them so special the unconditional love that we feel. Thanks for sharing Tina