On Tuesday I got the worst news I have ever had to endure. My beloved horse MayLady had been put down. While I had been expecting it, it was still so hard to bear. I need to tell my story, but since I can't without sobbing, its easier to type.

I have been riding since I was 6. I'm 17 now, and getting ready for college. Through those years, I have never owned a horse. I lesson and exercise, and have leased several. My first was Bogie, who taught me quite a bit. But when he grew so old he couldn't be ridden, he was retired to the farm of someome who rode at my barn. They had kept him over several winters, so everyone thought that it would be fine. It wasn't. They starved him to death, and no one even knew. They brought him back to the barn one day because he was dying, he was so weak he couldn't stand up. He had fallen in the trailer on the way over and couldn't get out. He weighted only 400 pounds (his normal weight was about 900). He had to be euthanized right in the trailer. I didn't get to say goodbye ( I was out of the country and no one contacted me). I have felt guilty ever since, thinking there was more I could have done. Shortly after this happening I started leasing MayLady. She was 19 at the time. She had helped so many before me, but even still everyone thought I had a special connection to her. We could do anything together. In case you didn't know, 20 is usually the age when horses become semi-retired, but not her. We were still doing 2'9-3' jumps together. This was 5 years ago. She and i had 3 wonderful years of health together, her never being off a single day. She did have arthritis, but it never slowed her down. but one day 2 years ago she hurt herself while in her field. When I went to the barn after school, she was lame and couldn't be ridden. My intructor called the vet, and he did x-rays. She had torn a whole in her check tendon, in her front right leg. He said she needed 4 months on pasture rest, and after that we could slowly work her back into health, but she would never do the big jumps again. And so began her "vacation". In this time, I started leasing another horse. After her 4 months were up, she was still lame. It seems her arthritis had gotten much worse without working everyday. It basically came down to "we will give her hock injections and if that doesn't work, then nothing will". They didn't work. The day after the injections I got one last ride on her, just walking and trotting around the ring for about 20 minutes. I won't ever forget that ride. When the injections didn't help in the long run, her owner (not the owner of the barn, MayLady was boarded there) decided to put her down. The vet was supposed to come on a Tuesday, but something went wrong and he couldn't come. My instructor "conviently" neglected to reschedule the appointment, or even tell Mrs. Zocco, the owner. Also, no one wanted to tell me. They all knew how upset I would be, and the instructor daughter Yvonne told no one to tell me. She is a bitch. But one of my firends took me aside and told me. And so began my mission of finding her a home. I asked everyone I knew if they had somewhere to keep a very sweet horse who could give the very little kids pony rides around a yard. I finally found a place through my grandmother, it was a 10 acre farm about 10 minutes from my house, with one gelding living there. The man that owned him took care of the farm, but no one lived there. I told my instructor about it, and she called Mrs. Zocco to go look at it. She met us at our house and we took her to see it. It was a beautiful place, my MayLady would have loved it so much. But this woman found some unnamed fault in it, and refused to allow ML to be moved there. It would have been a totally free retirement home. But instead, MayLady just kinda became a ward of the barn. Mrs. Zocco couldn't "afford" to keep her there is she couldn't ride her, even though her husband is one of the top heart surgeons in Richmond and they live in a mansion in the nicest subdivision in Chesterfield. But I digress. So MayLady just lived at the barn, in a field with whoever needed a pasture buddy and lived the good life. I went and talked to her everytime I could, and I still told her all my secrets. She was such a good listener. But latey, I noticed she was getting older faster, and so I told her about 2 months ago that I loved her very much and I would understand if her time came and I wasn't there. So after that i always hugged her goodbye one extra time just in case it was my last goodbye. Two weeks ago I was at the barn riding my new horse, who I will own, and MayLady was hanging around as usual. I rode and i decided I would give her a nice graze since all the firlds are being rested. But when i got back from my ride she was getting ready to be to the ring (where she would spend the night with her best firend Miranda). I will never forgive myself for this as long as I live, but I diecided i was too tired to graze her then take them both out, so I let the girl working turn them out without me grazing her. I only saw her one time after that, she was in a stall next to my horse and I told her hello. But last week i was sick on Monday and Tuesday, and I was supposed to go to the barn because i have my new horse on trial. But I missed school and so i couldn'tgo out. Tuesday night I was online, and i read my friend's away message which basically said R.I.P. MayLady. I asked her is she had been put down and she told me that she was hurting a lot, and couldn't waslk anymor, so they made the decision.Basically, no one called me to tell me was was being put down and I didn;t get to go say my last goodbye. I thanked her for telling me and then I just let out a sob that my mom said sounded like my best friend had just been killed and I was totally responsible, which is exactly how I feel. i have a very difficult time crying but I did my fair share that night. I haven;t been able to since until today, and there is really no one I can talk to. None of my shool friends understand how upset I am, and I don't want to talk to my parents about it. i havent been out the the barn all week, i am so mad no one told me and I know I couldn't face it out there. In order to get to the ring you have to pass the cemetary, and I'm scared of how I will react when I see that bare patch of dirt where my beloved girl is. But I have to go tomorrow, because i know my instructor already is really mad at me. I feel so childish for not going out there and not hadnling it better, I mean i knew her time was ending, and another girl at my barn lost her horse last year in a freak accident and didn't have to take a week off from riding. But I miss her so much I feel as if my heart is breaking.
Thank you for letting me talk here, where I can cry freely as I type. I needed this.

*If the picture works, that is me and MayLday right after I started leasing her*

Oh my heart breaks for you so much!!!!! I know how bad you are feeling now and what a nightmare you had to go through. I was very moved by how you discribed your relationship with your best friend. I know how personable horses can be...a strong devoted friendship and love.
I also found that coming here and typing my feelings out helped me alot too. It helped me get through the guilt I was feeling, and I think it will you also. There are so many kind loving people here that understand just how you are feeling. My deepest sympathy to you. Pamela

I am so sorry for the loss of poor Bogie who they did not take care of and he starved to death. That is so horrible for anyone to abused Bogie and to let that happen while under their care. That is so sad that they did not let you be there to say goodbye to MayLady. I am so sorry that you are feeling guilt when it was not your fault. Sometimes it helps so much to talk things out. You sound like a wonder young woman and I hope they you will get to own your own horse.
Ann

What an amazing story. I loved reading it because I can just FEEL how much you loved MayLady. And what a picture! She was so beautiful. THere is no doubt in my mind that she knew how much you loved her. You did SO much to find her a new home....if that's not love, I don't know what is!
I am so sorry they chose not to tell you about the decision to put her down. Sometimes people make decisions for us, with the best intentions..they think they are protecting us. But in reality, sometimes we need to be faced with the pain in order to get closure. Please don't blame yourself for anything. And don't beat yourself up for taking time off. We all need to when we're grieving so deeply. You lost your best friend...that's a HUGE load to bear. We all understand how you feel.
As for not forgiving yourself for grazing her because you were too tired, well I can relate. This is something I haven't fully shared about my own story. I know you probably haven't read my story yet, but my dog Jasmine fell ill suddenly one night and died. When she came in from outside and didn't look "right", I thought she had gotten into something and was just going be sick or something. It was almost 10:30pm and I was trying to get to bed and I kept saying "c'mon Jazzy, snap out of it, I'm tired and we need to get to bed". I was little annoyed because she tended to be melodramatic about life, and I thought she was just doing that again. Well, soon I realized she wasn't fooling around and I had to rush her to the emergency vet. She died as we got there. Now, you can imagine how much GUILT I had for feeling annoyed at her, just because I was tired. It took me a while to let go of that, and even sometimes I still feel guilty. But my solace is that there was nothing I could do to save her, even if I had gotten her to the vet 5 min earlier.
So I understand beating yourself up about things like that, but please don't. That one act does not take away the YEARS of love and kindness and special times.
Grieve as you have to, but you should try to focus on your other horse too...he/she is going to need you.
Take care
Audrey

Its been one week since I lost her, and I am just now to the point where I don't think about her 24/7. I went to the barn yesterday and walked past her grave, but I can't bring myself to stop yet. One day soon I am just goning to sit on the fence across from it and talk to her. I know now that she is much happier in horsey heaven, but I still am having a hard time coming to terms. It just takes time. Thanks to all of you who read and commented on my story. It really did help.

I'm so sorry for the loss of MayLady. I've owned several horses in my life...they're such magnificant animals. In the picture you posted, you can see a special bond that existed between you and MayLady. I know you must miss her terribly.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

My heart felt heavy when I read your story of beautiful MayLady. She knew how much you loved her and cared for her. Don't ever forget that. My best friend lost her horse "Annie" while we were roommates in college. I know what a special bond people have with their horses, whether they own them or just have the pleasure of riding them. I hope May Lady is trotting around on a field of greens right now. She probably is...and thinking of you.

Take care, Caroline

You'll be able to stop and talk to her when you're ready. She understands and is with you always...ready to listen when you're ready to talk to her. I hope you're doing better.