I just found this group tonight. I've been grieving so intensely and I don't know how to deal with it.

My kitty, Felix, died two days ago. Last week he started throwing up and not eating. I took him to the vet but they couldn't find anything wrong without running tons of expensive tests. It was the week before payday for me and I was completely tapped out. I borrowed money from my mother just for the office visit. I ended up just having to take him home. I feel so guilty right now, I can't even tell you.

I did everything I knew to do. I bought Pedialyte and fed it to him through a syringe. He was still drinking water and keeping hydrated. He was lethargic and sleeping a lot, isolating himself from the other kitties (I have two other boys- one's his brother, the other is his dad). He still seemed to have a decent amount of energy though. He would walk over to his water dish often. After a few days of watching him closely and not seeing him eat at all- I went out and bought some wet cat food (he usually had dry) and some cat milk. He wouldn't eat the food but I managed to get some of the milk in him. He just threw it up. It was SO painful for me to see him go through this. All I could do was hold him while he threw up and rub his back. I spent a couple of nights sleeping on my kitchen floor just to be near him (he was sleeping under the table a lot). I held him, I brushed him, I told him I loved him constantly. I even slept a night in my closet because that is where he chose to sleep that night.

I didn't leave my house all weekend. On Tuesday though, I was watching my boyfriend's son for the day so I decided to take him swimming. Felix was sleeping under the table when I left, and had been walking around some that morning. I kissed him goodbye and went to the pool at my mother's apartment complex.

When I got home a few hours later, he was no longer under the table so I went looking for him. I found him in my closet laying down. I reached out to touch him and he was cold. I immediately froze and started to panic. I started saying his name over and over trying to get him to wake up. I touched his leg again and it was already stiff. I'm sorry to get so graphic but I need to get this out. I just sat there in total shock and denial. Just thinking he was sleeping heavily. Once the shocking reality began to sink in, I grabbed my phone and called my mom. I couldn't even get the words out, all I could manage was a gut-wrenching sob. My mom knew immediately what was wrong and said she'd be right over. God, that was one of the worst things I've ever been through. I have practically no experience with death. I wanted to reach out and hold him but I was scared. I hate that I felt that way, but I couldn't help it. It was no longer him. And I could not grasp that concept.

I just sobbed and sobbed. I was doubled over on my floor, in so much pain. The worst part was that I had a 3 year old in the next room that was completely confused and I had no way of knowing how to explain it to him. I had to shut the door to his room for a bit and ask him to play by himself for a while while I curled into a ball and cried my eyes out.

I closed the door to my room and was too terrified to even enter it again. I waited in the living room until my mom arrived. The next few hours are sort of a blur and not as significant to my story anyway. He was buried in my backyard, my mom and friend set up a beautiful spot and brought me out to say goodbye. I was crying so hard I could barely walk. My mom nearly carried me. That was so hard. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want to accept it, and still don't.

I've been going through these last few days in a complete daze. The overwhelming emotions and mood swings are making me feel crazy at times. All I can do to get through the day is to keep myself distracted. Watching mindless television and talking on the phone. The minute I'm alone and have a chance to think, I break down. Bedtime is the worst. Felix slept with me every night. Faithfully. The minute I would shut out the lights in the living room, he would go sprinting back to the bedroom and wait perched on the edge of my bed. He slept curled up close beside me, always. I live with my boyfriend, so he has his half of the bed and I share mine with Felix. I fell asleep every night with my hands wrapped up in his long fluffy fur. His breathing soothed me.

The first night I tried to sleep, I had numerous nightmares. Finding him like I did really traumatized me. It was the last thing I was expecting. He was only (just under) two years old and had been sick less than a week. He was taken from me so quickly. I kept his collar and I've been carrying it around the house with me. I sleep with his hairbrush, still full of his fur. I just pet it over and over and rub it on my face. It's so hard to sleep without him there. I feel such overwhelming pain. I don't even want to go to bed tonight because I dread the intense sense of loss I immediately feel when I crawl into bed. It's nearly 3am, I'm exhausted, but I'm avoiding going to bed. I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to deal. I'm definitely in a denial stage right now. I keep expecting to see him around the house. Keep waiting to feel him jump onto the bed. It's almost as if I momentarily forget, and when I remember-- it's a rush of intense pain, like a stabbing in my gut. I keep feeling the loss over and over.

I know I'm going to get through this. I know it will get easier. But right now-- that seems impossible to realize. I never thought losing a pet would hurt this much. I've lost pets as a kid. But the attachment you feel when you are grown and living alone is so much more. The past two years I've dealt with so much and always had my three boys to come home to. They were always there to let me know that it was alright. Now it just seems empty. Such a vital part of the family dynamic is missing.

Thank you for giving me a chance to get this out. I needed this. I feel like I'm constantly at a boiling point and I'm scared to give in and let go. Bedtime is when I cry and cry. Letting out all the pain from the past 16 hours. I'm so tired of crying and I dread that release- but I know I need it. I'm feeling so guilty right now. If only I would have had the tests done, or taken him back to the vet. I feel like I'm a horrible mother and that I shouldn't have animals if I can't afford their care. I feel like he would be alive if I would have had the money. The thing is, I don't know if that would have made a difference either way. On a surface level, I understand that- but it doesn't take away the guilt. I should have protected him. I should have done anything and everything in my power to help him. I didn't think he was going to leave me. Not so soon. I loved him as if he was my child and it feels as if a part of my heart is missing now.

I'm so sorry Felix and I miss you so much. I hope you know how much I loved you. I will never ever forget what you gave me. You will always be my baby.

I cried with you as I read the story of your precious Felix. The loss of our babies are so devastating and it is so hard to go on without them. Like you, most of us have looked for them because somehow it's so hard to comprehend that they are no longer with us.

I know that you feel guilty that you did not have the money to have a lot of tests done. That does not mean that you were not a good mama. I spent a lot of money on every kind of test there was, but they still was not able to save my Snookie baby. When cancer attacked my Chili Bean's nose they could not save her either. All of us do the very best we can.

You did the very best you could and you stayed with Felix in the floor and in the closet and various places. Now if that isn't being a wonderful mama I don't know what is. You held him and rubbed his back while he threw up. I heard the love in every word you wrote about your precious baby.

Please feel free to come and talk about your Felix and your pain as we are all here to help each other. I am just so sorry for your loss.
Ann

Dear Krystal,

Your story is just heartbreaking. You have described your feelings in such great detail, and let me tell you, your feelings are shared by most, if not all the people here who have lost their babies. My heart goes out to you. I know what a special part of your family Felix was. I too lost my little one prematurely (she wasn't even two years old when she became sick one night...and less than 24 hours later we had an astronomical bill from the emergency vet's office, and no Allie to show for it). She had complications with her small intestine which caused internal bleeding -a very rare condition with no known causes or ways to prevent it. She was my sweet little girl and I will always love her with all of my heart.

I am so sorry you found Felix when he had already passed on. I know how hard that was for you. But please, please don't feel guilty! You were a wonderful mommy! The way you described how you lovingly slept in the closet with him, brushing him and rubbing his back while he was sick, shows how dedicated you were to making him feel better, and I know he did, and he loves you for it. He felt your love, and that was probably one reason why he was able to let go so soon and peacefully.

Sometimes I think of love in this way: love, while a very basic feeling and a part of life, comes in many forms and fashions. I find it really interesting that in the Korean language there are some 50 different words for love, all describing a slight variation of the emotion. Sometimes love is in a song, sometimes it is in a word or an action, like sleeping in a closet. Love is always important, and always a reason for living, but it is never the same on any given day or for any one person (or in our case, animal). So what I'm getting at here, is that I'd like to think that for those of us who have lost a baby prematurely, the love between us and that animal was already perfect (or as perfect as it could get on this Earth), and therefore it was just time for Felix and Allie to move on to live with their Heavenly Father, where love is so perfect that we could never even know just how wonderful it is until we arrive there. I'm not saying that those of you who were blessed enough to have your babies with you for many years loved them any less than those of us who lost them young. But it's just a quicker, more intense love I think, if that makes any sense.

Krystal, we know and understand your pain all too well. Please share it with us, and when you are ready, tell us more about Felix and what a special kitty he was. I know he is smiling down on you from above, and he wants you to be happy. But now just let the tears flow. They will be healing tears.

You have come to the right place. I am so very sorry for your loss.

With love,
Jenny

What you are going through is typical. Everyone here has been through it and persevered, and you will too.
You need not punish yourself with guilt because you didn't get tests done. It sounds like your cat had something very serious, and tests would likely not have helped. I left my cat at the vet's for testing, and they all turned out inconclusive. All that the testing did was prolong his misery. (He turned out to have terminal cancer). My cat died at the vet's office, and I regret so much he never got to come home. You should at least be grateful your cat died in familiar surroundings with the people he loved.
You should allow yourself to sleep. I spent several sleeples nights, until I finally took a mild sedative. Getting a good night sleep helps you deal with the stress.

dearest krystal,
my deep sympathy to you for your loss of Felix. I honor your pain and can feel the love that you shared with him. I understand the shock and loss and wild pain this causes. my 16 year old cat jupiter died in February, and i didn't think i would survive.
i did survive and you will too. time will help you and even more, the love you shared with felix will help you. allow all your feelings and remember that grief is a process, and will change shape and color as you go.
others have said it and i will echo it, YOU DID NOTHING to be guilty for. you may FEEL guilty, but this is not a fact.
the fact is, we cannot save them. they have their own journey, as we do ours. we can love them, as you so clearly and unmistakably did, and do.
may love surround you, dear Krystal.

Dear Krystal,

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. This is going to sound incredibly lame, but the agony does get better over time. When my Luba (border collie) died suddenly (heart failure) last June I thought that I was literally losing my mind. I was unable to sleep without sedatives for WEEKS. When I did sleep I was riddled with nightmares.

Here is something though: the guilt - it is normal, but you are NOT to blame. When Luba was sick, I too was broke. However, several relatives, and my boyfriend all banded together to help. Basically, WHATEVER the cost, they were all prepared to pay. Alone, I would have had to bring her home too. You know what happened? Luba died alone at the vet's. Her body just could not fight anymore. I agonized for weeks/months until I could find some kind of absolution that I SHOULD have brought her home to die there.

In the end, when it their time, they will go.

Ann, Jenny, Margo, and encouragingangel, and Steph-

Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words. Writing those words alone last night was enough of a release that I was able to fall asleep peacefully, finally. Knowing that there are others who understand and have gone through the same thing that I am going through helps to ease my pain a bit. I'm so sorry for all of your losses and I thank you for being able to be so supportive in the midst of your own pain.

I will write more about Felix later today. I really appreciate having this outlet. Thanks to everyone.

Oh my heart goes out to you. I am glad you find comfort in knowing you are not alone, I did. I don't know where I would be at now in this journey of grief had I not connected with people who knew exactly how I felt. And I do know it helps to just let those hurt devastated feelings flow out your fingertips. Pamela

Krystal,
I too am so very sorry for your loss. I feel like I'm going to just echo everyone else but I do agree that it was not your fault. Those tests sometimes are very inconclusive and you find out that you can't save them anyway, or that you have to put them through an agony of treatments. As Steph said, in the end, they go when it's time. I think it was probably comforting to Felix to pass away when he was in your closet, surrounding by your scent, your things, and he probably felt very safe in there.
I'm glad you got some sleep. I know it's hard in the beginning. We're here for you.
Audrey

Dear Krystal,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Felix, and I'm so glad you've found some comfort on this website. I know it's been a life saver for me.

There's no doubt in my mind that Felix knew how much you loved him.
You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Everyone here is so great. I truly and deeply appreciate it.

Things have gotten a bit easier. Still devastated but able to function. I miss him terribly. It may sound odd but I really do feel that he's with me. The other night I was talking to him before bed (it seems to help) and I asked him to visit me in a dream because I missed him. Well, I did in fact dream about him that night. It was a beautiful dream. I vividly remember petting him and how soft his fur felt. It wasn't a past tense dream because in it I realized that he was dead, but I could still see him. My other kitties were able to see him too but no one else. It was very special. I don't know how much you guys believe in things like that, but for me it was very profound. I don't feel such a strong sense of disconnection from him anymore.

I'm sure most of you have read this but I wanted to post a poem that really touched me that I read on another pet grieving website the other night (http://www.fourpawsinheaven.com). The author is unknown so I can't give credit where credit is due but this poem helped me a lot. I usually find most poetry to be a tad bit cheesy but this one struck a chord...

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Last Night

I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep.
I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.
I was with you at my grave today; you tend it with such care.
I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there.
I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you; I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be near you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.
I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

— Author Unknown

Hi Krystal,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Truly, I am. My cat Min-Min died last week of intestinal cancer. We took her to the vet, had the tests, but in the end there was still nothing they could do. She ended up dying in my arms at home. I agree with Audrey (and will pretty much second what everyone else has said here) when animals need to go, they go. Further testing would definitely have just been additional pain for Felix. My cat got tested up the wazoo and that, coupled with the overall frailness of a sick body, must have been extremely unpleasant. Their veins are tiny enough as it is. Add to that the stress of unfamiliar surroundings, and being handled by strangers...at least your kitty didn't have to go through that part.

In any case, you're fortunate (in the way that anyone who has sustained such a loss can be) to now feel that connection and to have had a meaningful dream. I definitely do believe in things like that. I keep waiting for a dream of my kitty, and to feel some kind of connection, but still can't.

I was new to this site last week. You're right. Everyone here has been gentle and caring. My heart goes out to you, now, as well.

-Geraldine

That poem is so wonderful ~ I am so sorry for your loss ~ this love we have for our dear pet companions/spiritual guides and family members is so powerful and filled with such compassion ~ and positive and empowering care ~ that I believe the world and the universe is forever changed for the better ~ this strong connection that we have with those we love is so protecting ~ it keeps us and our spirits connected forever ~ its the love that gives us the peace that passes all understanding ~ the love makes the peace ~ staying in the love can heal the wounded spirit and strengthen the bonds we share now and forever more ~ Sincere Thoughts, Kathryn