How do I say good-bye, Bubba?

There are still things we have to do.

I'll be cooking dinner tonight. How can I do that without you weaving in and out of my legs and meowing at the top of your lungs like I haven't fed you in a week?

I will sit at the computer. How can I do that without you making yourself at home on my lap, kneading and purring?

I will sit down to watch t.v. How can I do that without you jumping on my lap?

I will go to sleep. How can I do that without you choosing 3am as the time to use the litterbox and cover and cover and cover ...and cover....and cover your poop for 5 minutes?

I'm so mad at myself, Bubba. You were so sick a few years ago with your urethra problems. The surgeries made you a little (hah. I made myself laugh...a little my butt...)...ok, a LOT incontinent. So I usually didn't let you sit on my lap. I would just get annoyed after the 800th time of tripping over you while I was making dinner. Even when I knew you were getting sick, I didn't slow down enough to pay the extra attention to you...

I got you when you were two. My grandmother had found you and I had fallen in love with you. A two-coat, we called you. Beautiful charcoal gray fur, which when rubbed the other way was a chalky white. And the biggest golden eyes...how beautiful they were. I traded another stray I had found (who hated me for some reason) for you. Gave her to my Grandmother (and she said today that Reggae's still around and happy as a clam with her -- good, because she's the only cat I've ever known who hasn't liked me!) and took you in return.

What a good trade.

You loved everyone. Everything. People. Dogs. Other cats (well, until Snitty came along, but you eventually gave in and became his buddy too). For a while we let you be an outdoor cat. You loved getting into the garden and curling up on the dirt underneath a plant with big leaves for shade...you always were a sleeper. That 'hesitation' to exercise helped you develop that saggy belly!

Then, when it was time for bed...there you were. Right up there with me and later your daddy. He didn't like cats...then he met you. Today, as we buried you, he couldn't hold back his tears. He loved you too, my friend.

As your time with me went on, we added other friends. Marley, your little brother (age wise, anyway) chow-shepard mix was already here when you came to live with me. You didn't care. You weren't jealous and he didn't take up so much room on the bed that you couldn't sleep there...so you were ok with him

Then, along came Snitty. A sleek black kitten when you were about 5. It took you a while, but you graciously allowed him to live. But those fights for alpha male status...wow! I knew you guys would never hurt each other, and that it was all for show...but sometimes you worried me!

Now, I wish I could place the last time it happened. I don't know if Snitty just gave up fighting for the dominant spot, or if he just recognized that his time was coming because yours was ending....

And when Chelsea joined the family...you were sweet to her.

You got so sick when you were about 6 or 7. John and I barely blinked when we shelled out the money; you were that important to us. We got the best for you...Dr. Preston Stubbs...he ended up on t.v., you know! 'Emergency Vets.' He did everything he could for you, and it was enough. You were healthy again. We changed your diet and you never had a recurrence after those three incidents. But you were incontinent after that. We used to wonder if we could fit a diaper around you...

After that, I suppose we made it a little uncomfortable for you to sleep in the bed. Shooed you off...Now I wish I would have just washed the sheets and blankets everyday.

When Lexie came around in April of 2002, you adjusted serenely...just like the zen cat you were. You never scratched, screamed or complained. When she reached toddlerhood, she could reach out and grab you for a hug and you complied with such grace. Thank you. Snitty and Chelsea run from her. I'll miss her growing up with a loving cat. Oh, hell, Bubba..I'll just miss you and everything about you.

What happened to you a few months ago? All of a sudden you were losing weight...we knew something was wrong. But we also knew that with everything you went through with those 3 major surgeries that we had to consider how much we were willing to put you through, as well as our finances and the fact that you were almost 12. I suspect it was cancer. You lost so much weight, though you continued to eat. You seemed hungry all the time. You got into the garbage, something you never EVER did before.

I planned to wait until you stopped eating, or exhibited signs of discomfort to take you to the vet and have you put to sleep. I had it planned. I'd give you a wonderfully special meal...let you sleep on the bed without the other cats...and then hold you as you drifted away.

I feel so cheated. I didn't get to say good-bye. I woke up this morning and you were gone. In your sleep...having stolen Marley's blanket for yourself (go Bubba!)...you were just on your side. I really thought you were sleeping when I walked by you. I said "hi Bubba" and I put the baby in the high chair. Your eyes were half open, so I thought you were checking me out as I walked by. When I walked back over to give you a pet, I said 'Bubba?' because something didn't seem right..you hadn't moved at all.

I watched your stomach for signs of breath...I've done it with you before...and I saw none.

I broke down...knelt beside you and stroked your head and said 'I'm sorry, Bubba.'

I'm sorry that in your old age you ended up having to compete with me as a mom, a housewife, a caretaker to several animals and a part-time job-holder. I feel so guilty that I was spread so thin. I'm so angry that I couldn't hold you as you went away from me. You're not the first pet I've buried since I went out away from the home of my childhood many years ago...I lost pet rats and pet goldfish...but you are the first *friend* I've buried since I was a child.

Ten years with you wasn't enough, my darling Bubba.

How do I say good-bye?

I am sorry for the loss of your "first furbaby "friend"", that you had to bury since you were a child......

I had only had one furbaby "kitty" all my life, and happily most all grew to a ripe old age of 18 - 20 years old.
But, no time is every enough....

I wish too that I had never yelled at Ernie, that I had always been a loving mom (which, I think I was), but, as someone on this site said to me, "you're family - we all take each other for granted"..... How very true....

If "wishes" could bring our beloved furbabies back, your Bubba and my Ernie would be here; (not to mention, everyone else on Lightning Strikes), that's for sure!!!

You're lucky in that Bubba had a whole furfamily....Ernie couldn't have one, partly because of my being afraid, and her heart rate was much too high .... two vets said, "NO WAY!!" (hyperthyroidism & kidney disease).

But, no matter how "thin" you were stretched (and, I'm sure, still very much are), your Bubba knew how much love you felt!!!!! Don't you worry about that, please....... Bubba was "part of the family", like I said before..... You don't have 10 arms, you know???? You are the way God made all of us humans.... You have a very, very busy life!!!!!!

Ernestine used to do that with the litterbox too. Scrape, scrape, etc., etc., etc., maybe there was some gold we weren't aware of!! A lot of the times I'd say, "Mommy will do", and she'd happily jump out of her litterbox, and I'd go over & clean it all up..... (That was of course, during the day time)...

I had prayed to God that if Ernie needed to leave this earth, that she please be taken while she was sleeping. I can see now, with Bubba, the other side of that....And, I am very sorry that you didn't have last minutes with Bubba.
I think, no matter how our furbabies go over to Rainbow Bridge, it still stinks......
Ernie was put to sleep on 2/7/2004...... On that day, the vet had never been in on a Saturday, so right there, to me, that was "a sign".
Boy, she was panicked...... Trying to escape from the room; almost like she was saying, "I'm only kidding mom & dad, I'll go home and watch me, I'll eat..... I'll stop losing weight....I was just fooling around......"
Then her vet came in with the syringe, and I don't need to tell you how Ben & I were feeling.... She went so peacefully...she just fell asleep - her little tired body, finally at rest!!!

After she was gone, (my eyes haven't watered in awhile, but they are now), I just looked at her & loved her....I was able to touch her hind legs, which were always sensitive..... Her little face... How (alright, now I'm sobbing), cute her lil' face was.
But, she was at peace, and was in the loving arms of St. Francis........

I know you said you had your darling Bubba for 10 years, and NO, THAT ISN'T ENOUGH!!! My Ernie spent 19 years 10 mos., on this Earth, and all of it, with me.... We "grew up together" from my age of 23 - 43.. I could confide in her, cry with her....No one understood like my girl. She was my only daughter, and my best "girlfriend". I never had a playmate for her and I really should've done that when I adopted her at 6 weeks old - one of her littermates.....

I know, I know, "if the should'ves, would'ves & could'ves could bring our babies back, ALL OF OUR FURCHILDREN WOULD BE BACK..... Everyone's babies....
But, Ernie was soooooo sick, and there's no way I would have wanted her to keep suffering, starving herself, etc.... She didn't respond to the sub-Q intravenous (100ml/day), that the vet prescribed...to keep her hydrated... We couldn't do it -she was on other meds (2) that had to be given by mouth, that was the best we could do..), so we went to the vets for the sub-Q... Only for a few days.....
I am SO SAD THAT WE HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION...... I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE THE DECISION TO HAVE HER PUT TO SLEEP.
Our girl was ill, there was no getting around that..
So was your Bubba

And, I am very sorry that you have to go through this awful pain!!!!

I just HAVE TO BELIEVE that Ernestine is up over Rainbows' Bridge & there is no pain there, no sickness.....tons of food - lots of other furbabies to play with... I'm sure that she & Bubba have met....
God Bless my Ben.... he knew, her quality of life was suffering...... In the end, she was my "tiny Ernie-bird"....

Please, try not to feel guilty about anything (I know, it's hard, because I still do too!!). Bubba was "family"....What do "they" (who are "they"???) say??? You hurt those that you love the most..... Certainly not saying that you hurt Bubba or I hurt Ernie...... you were mentioning that "little extra attention", which I feel guilty with as well!!!!

You'll see one another again, when it's your time to pass over.... Until then, you have so many memories, and your Bubba will ALWAYS BE IN YOUR HEART!!!
Please, don't lose sight of that!!

We have our memories, and those cannot be taken away.....

Somedays I find myself laughing when I remember something something cute and/or funny that our girl did..... other times, like in the beginning of writing this post to you, I found tears in my eyes again, and then, I was literally sobbing. It's okay; normal; I'm grateful that "us humans" can express our feeling..... That "horrible" lump in your throat that feels like a crater!!!!!

Well Bubba's mom, that's all for now..... Oh yes, Ben & I rescued two furbabies on 3/7/2004....Ernie was put to sleep on 2/7/2004....... I SWORE I WOULD NEVER, EVER, EVER LOVE AGAIN....ONLY TO LOSE....BUT, the silence in this apartment was deafening, and though Yo-Yo & Lucy WILL NEVER, EVER REPLACE MY TRUEST FURBABY LOVE, our hearts have the capacity to want to love again.....

They're beautiful & soooooooo different from our girl.....

God Bless you!!!!
Peace & Love,
Denise (Muffins)

(((((( bubba's mom )))))))))))
Oh how we know the pain and heartbreak of losing a well-loved four legged friend here at this site. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your Bubba. You're right, ten years is NOT enough time but think of all the good times you had with him. Think how much he added to your life merely by being a part of it. I ache for you -- please continue posting and telling us more about your sweet Bubba - we're here to listen and empathize with you. At one point, we've all been where you are. My baby got put down on March 3. I realized that for several weeks before that, I'd do the same thing you did - check to see if she was breathing and alive. She'd had a tumor for several months (although it seemed benign and wasn't causing much harm) but I think that is what caused her to have a prolapse - it probably pushed against it from the inside. But as she was VERY vocal in the morning (when she got up, she'd circle and pant and lick our arms to wake us up) if there were days when she didn't do that, I'd peek over at her bed before getting up to see if her chest was rising and falling.
I'm so sorry you lost Bubba -- please take care of yourself -- we're hear to listen.

Lori

(((((( bubba's mom )))))))))))
Oh how we know the pain and heartbreak of losing a well-loved four legged friend here at this site. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your Bubba. You're right, ten years is NOT enough time but think of all the good times you had with him. Think how much he added to your life merely by being a part of it. I ache for you -- please continue posting and telling us more about your sweet Bubba - we're here to listen and empathize with you. At one point, we've all been where you are. My baby got put down on March 3. I realized that for several weeks before that, I'd do the same thing you did - check to see if she was breathing and alive. She'd had a tumor for several months (although it seemed benign and wasn't causing much harm) but I think that is what caused her to have a prolapse - it probably pushed against it from the inside. But as she was VERY vocal in the morning (when she got up, she'd circle and pant and lick our arms to wake us up) if there were days when she didn't do that, I'd peek over at her bed before getting up to see if her chest was rising and falling.
I'm so sorry you lost Bubba -- please take care of yourself -- we're here to listen.

Lori

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Bubba's Mom,
If you are like me you cannot say goodbye. I say "Until we meet again". Bubba and all our absent furbabies await us at the bridge. They are beautiful and healthy. They only stop playing long enough to see if the person walking toward the bridge is one of us coming to join them forever. Ten years isn't enough, but soon we'll be united with them for eternity.
Steve