Tonight a tragedy took the life of my best friend. My beloved Standard Poodle Moonshadow's Jazzy Patriot went out to go to the bathroom. I think he must have seen a cat. He must have ran onto the highway and was hit by a car. My son was the one to take him out. I was too busy helping my MIL on the computer. My son never could make Shadow leave a chase. I could. I feel so guilty. It was my fault. What would it have taken for me to ask my MIL to wait a minute? I didn't know what happened at first. My son came in and asked me if Shadow had slipped by him. He couldn't find him. I ran outside calling "Shadow, Shadow!" No jingling from his tags. Then a horrible howl. And another. Then nothing. I looked all over for him. For an hour I went up and down the streets and into the hills where he likes to go for walks. I knew something was wrong with him and couldn't find him. My husband went looking too. We finally drove up the highway and there he was in the road. I have never screamed and wailed like this. Nothing helps this pain. Those horrible howls are my last words from him. They are haunting me.

I said some aweful things to my son. My mother in law heard my screams on our open voice chat. How horrible it must have been for her too. She loved my Boo as much as I do. She even talked to him over the phone.

Shadow came to me after a long search. I had sold my horses due to a bad ankle injury. Shadow was my salvation in my time of mourning for my horses. He taught me patience. Puppies do that. He was a huge boy. 27" at the shoulder. 60 lbs of black curly love. Those beautiful eyes. Those long silky ears. It took me 9 months to train him. He was so smart. He knew his commands by voice or by hand signal. His favorite place was on my feet. Or in my lap. Yes, a 60 lb poodle fits in a lap. Maybe not the back legs, but the front legs and most of his body fit. He would lay his head on my chest and just sigh. He took the weight of the world off my shoulders and carried it proudly. Shadow never walked. He pranced. He was very proud of himself and seemed to say "look at beautiful me" to all the world. Shadow played a mean game of soccer. He never met a toy he couldn't disassemble or unstuff. He loved paper towels. He loved his big bed that Grandma bought him. He loved to share my apples.

I am thankful for a wonderful husband who holds me. I am thankful I was able to say I am sorry to my son and for him to say he understands. I hope he really does. I know how much he loved Shadow too. They were constantly wrestling together.

How will I face the day? How will I make it through tomorrow with no bounding monster to greet me? How will I ever forgive myself? I never in a million years could have imagined this pain.

Hi Tracey,

Oh if only arms could go through the internet.

You can only take one minute at a time, a second even until eventually it will be an hour then a day.

Give yourself time to mourn time to start to feel again.

Give your son a huge hug everyday he is feeling enormous amounts of pain and guilt at the moment too and don’t let him bury any of this make sure it all comes out which is the only healthy way.


Love Sue

Oh Tracey, I am just so sorry for your terrible loss and all the pain it has brought to your family. It sound like Shadow was a wonderful boy and that he was so smart and the love of your life. To find him like that most have been so heart wrenching.

I know that your son would never have done anything to let Shadow come to any harm. Sometimes our darlings just get away from us. Give him some extra hugs and soothing words. It was not your fault that Shadow gave way to chasing a kitty or some or animal he might have seen.

The pain is so horrific but you will make it through, your love for Shadow will remain with you for the rest of your life. Your heart though so broken from pain is still filled with love that will carry you through.
Hugs, Ann

Dear Tracey

To lose your beloved furbaby in this way is such a tradgedy and absolutely heartrending for you. I am so sorry for the deep and desperate pain that your whole family must be going through today. My heart goes out to you all at this moment in time.

You and your family and your beloved Shadow will be in my thoughts and prayers today.

With love
jilly

Tracey,

Your story just breaks my heart. I know it is hard, but please don't let yourself take the blame for this. It is just one of those really sad things that happened, and there was no reason in the world why you shouldn't have let your son take Shadow out while you were busy. I know this doesn't help with the pain of missing him -he sounds like such a wonderful and special friend indeed -but please don't feel guilty. We all tend to feel this way in the beginning so it is totally normal, but you were such a wonderful mom to Shadow and gave him so much happiness, and I am just so sorry for this tragedy. We will be here for you as you grieve, and please tell us often about your Shadow and all the great things about him. I am praying for you and your family.

God bless,
Jenny

Dearest Tracey,

Our love & hearts are with you in this dark time. We know your pain and we're all so very, very sorry you're experiencing this. Shadow was well named, as he will always be by your side, as is your shadow!

Hon, you nor your son should blame yourselves or carry guilt. You loved and will continue to love Shadow. It was a horrible accident. Shadow would never ever want his mommy or brother feeling guilty about anything.

Hugs,

Pat

My heart broke reading your story. It is no ones fault, accidents happen. You cannot blame yourself or your child. I know you want to find someone to blame for this terrible loss. The pain is unbearable now, but time will ease it. All of us here are grieving and you have alot of support threw the process. I know it is like losing a family member, and there is such a range of emotions that you have to go threw to get through this. It doesnt seem fair, but know that you are not alone. Find comfort with all of us here, and post as often as you need.
Dawn

Thank you all for your kind words. I am so numb. I hear dog tags and think it is him. It is our other dog Mitzi. She is hurting too. So is Thor, my kitty. Neither have left my side today. They even slept with me. They usually come up, say hello and go to their own beds. The bird didn't do her usual morning calls either. She has been quiet all day. That is a hard thing to imagine. A quiet parrot. RIght now Tori is singing pretty bird to me, but she isn't doing her usual pick me up screams.

I only slept a few hours. I keep waking. Waiting for his cold nose to touch me.

Shadow was my shadow. He followed me everywhere. He only left my side to go pee. He was my buddy.

My mother in law called me today and we talked about him. She knows my pain. She lost her beloved Leetah a few years ago. We cried together and talked about what a character he was. It was good to talk to someone who knew him.

My husband had a hard time today too. Sean did too.

I know it will get better. I have lost pets before, but never one as special as my Shadow.

My house feel empty. My heart even emptier.

Thanks for listening. And for understanding.

Tracey

Dear Tracey,

I'm so sorry for you loss of Shadow, and even more sorry that he died so tragically.

It will get better, but it will take time. Shiloh has been gone for almost 8 months and I still miss her terribly, but my good days out number my bad days.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Tracey,
I am SOOOO sorry for your loss of Shadow. I was so moved by your story and can feel your pain, as mine is somewhat new...well, 6 weeks but it doesn't feel that long. I lost my Jasmine suddenly from a hidden tumor that burst. She died within 45 min of looking "not right". While it was not quite the same as your situation, I remember that first night/day without her. I felt the same. Yes the emptiness can feel so gutwrenching. Sue is right...you have to take it one minute at a time. Then hour, then day. None of us can take the pain away, but we can (hopefully) help to ease it and make it more bearable.
You gave Shadow a GREAT life and in time you will be able to honor that. It's hard when you feel such sorrow and have to be there for your family and the other pets as well. I too didn't think I could be strong for my other dog, but in fact, it helped me to go on. I looked at him and knew he needed me. Since I wasn't able to explain to him what was going on (as I would a person), I knew the only language I could communicate with was my emotions. So it helped me to pull together. I took a few days off from work too. Take care of yourself. No, you won't sleep or eat well...but you must TRY.
It was no one's fault. We dont' know why accidents happen, but know that Shadow was an angel, and for whatever reason, his time in the physical form was done, but not in the spiritual. He will always be with you....you will feel him again when you're ready. *hugs*
Take care
Audrey

Tracey I feel for you and your family. That was a horrendous tragedy that happened and just something that was out of your control, or anybody else's. It's terrible to hear about things like this happening.

I'm glad you were able to talk to your son afterwards. It sounds like he really loved Shadow also. Try and make sure he doesn't feel guilty about this. I know it will take time for both of you.

I can't express enough how sorry I am for your loss, especially when it is a sudden one. That is the hardest thing in the world. I lossed a sister 2 1/2 years ago very suddenly, and since then I don't think my life has been the same.

Take each day as it comes to you, and let the feelings flow. Treasure the good times that were shared together.

Dear Tracey,

My deepest sympathy to you and your family on the tragic loss of your beloved Shadow. I'm glad you were able to talk to your son and that he said he understands. I'm sure he does understand that you don't blame him.

I wish I could say something to take away your pain. You've come to the best place, though and in time I'm sure the pain will lessen. Everyone here knows the emptiness you're feeling and will help you make it on this most difficult journey.

Please post a picture of precious Shadow when you can.

Thinking of you and sending you a big hug and the wish for strength.

Lynn