My cat Min-Min died yesterday in my arms. She died before I could take her to the vet to be euthanized. She had been sick for a while with lymphosarcoma, but it was not diagnosed until too late. The vet wanted to euthanize her on the spot, but my mom and I just couldn't do it. We wanted to take her home and give it a day or two to talk to an oncologist. She was so thin, only skin and fur and bones. Her death was not a peaceful one, as they say it is with euthanasia. I feel sick just thinking about it. She was lying in my arms and all of a sudden she had a contraction and died. It was only 15 hours after we took her home from the vet. We didn't even have time to talk to an actual specialist.

I miss her SO much. I can't stop crying. I keep wailing out her name. Min-Min. Min-Min. I want to be with her again and feel her fur and pet her, but she is gone. She was my only friend for so long. She was always there with a loving purr. When I would come home late at night, she was the only one awake to greet me. Oh god...I miss her so much. I really feel like my heart is breaking. Why does this have to happen?

Please help me with your experiences. What do you do (or what did you do) in the immediate days following the death--I hate to even write the word--of your best furry friend? I feel sick. I can't shower. I can't eat. I have to work tomorrow, but I know nobody will understand. They will say "just a cat" and "snap out of it." When I called my co-worker on Friday to let him know I wouldn't be coming in, because my cat was dying, he had this blank unbelieving tone, like I was a loser because it's just an animal.

But I just call her name and think of holding her and how thin she was. Min-Min, I miss you so much. I literally cannot stop crying.

-Geraldine (Min-Min's human)

I am sorry for your loss of Min-Min. It just hurts so bad when they die at any age. You had 17 long wonderful years with Min-Min and the grieving process is very hard. One of my cats died on the couch beside me while I whispered in her ear to go to the light. Min-Min is now free from the body that was failing her. She shared a wonderful life with you and the bond of love will never be severed. She is with you in spirit now. Burn a candle for her to help her in her passing into the new life.

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Kim

Dear Geraldine,

I'm so sorry for your loss of Min-Min. I'm very familiar with lymphosarcoma...Shiloh had that and died in September. I know the tremendous pain you're feeling right now. Even though Shiloh went through chemotherapy, she still didn't make it, so please don't feel any guilt over not getting her to an oncologist sooner...lymphoma is such an aggresive kind of cancer that even if Min-Min had undergone chemo, it probably would have only given her a little bit of extra time.

The most important thing to think about now is the wonderful life you gave each other. You had each other for 17 years and that's a very special gift. Even though her death was not a peaceful one, the fact is, she died in your arms...I'm sure she was greatly comforted by your presence with her.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

Dear Geraldine,

I'm so sorry about Min-Min. You're at the beginning of this long, hard journey. You have to take one day at a time and believe that in time things will get better for you. It's hard to return to work but at the same time, being at work gives you something else to focus on. If your co-workers don't understand, I wouldn't confide in them how bad you're feeling. Come here to LS since we all understand the pain you feel and know exactly how difficult losing a beloved pet is. Everyone here is so understanding and will help you along the way.

Take care and again my sympathy on the loss of your precious kitty.

Hugs,
Lynn

Thank you guys, especially Lynn, Kathleen and Kim, for responding so quickly. I really needed to hear all your kind words. I can barely type right now, I feel so sick from missing Min-Min. But it does help to know that so many people have loved pets and have gone through (and are GOING through) the extreme grief of losing them. I'm so glad to have found this site. My mom says that our pets never really go away and that they stay with us either in memory or spirit or both. I really want to believe this.

I can't get the image of Min-Min dying out of my head. My mom closed her eyes. So I was the one who saw it. I keep seeing Min-Min's little face suffering so much in those final seconds. She was only 4 pounds. Her eyes and tongue bugging out. She convulsed for about 10 seconds at the moment of her death like I had never seen an animal convulse before. (There was that scene in the movie "Powder" with the deer. That comes the closest that I can think of.) I feel like I failed her. I feel so evil and horrible. She gave and gave and gave me so much love and made me laugh for so many years and in the end, I wasn't able to make her passing a smooth, painless one. I couldn't even stop her from getting sick and losing so much weight. I'm really not sure what would have been worse: seeing the actual moment of death, or not seeing it. It is truly a horrifying image, even if death IS a natural part of the cycle of life. So horrible.

The house feels saturated with her. Every little corner of it. It's like I see vignettes of time with her--the way her furry hindquarters looked while running down the stairs in front of me to her food dish. The fortune plant where she used to lap up water (so weird!). The place in the sun where she used to watch the birds from the sliding glass doors. How can it ever feel good again when she isn't there? I just don't understand. I'm sorry that I'm rambling. I've just started reading all your posts. I am so glad they are there. Maybe mine will help someone, too. The pain isn't a coherent thing. But it is deep and it feels like something has been wrenched out of me. Like someone reached in and scrambled all my insides and poured all kinds of nasty painful things into me. I want to go to wherever it is that Min-Min went to. I want to tell her I love her and that I'm sorry for...I don't know what...just that I'm so sorry that it hurt in her final moments. Please forgive me. See! I'm always asking something from her. Even now.

My mom says she never wants another cat because to go through this again would kill her. It is just too painful. I wish Min-Min had had kittens so there would be a legacy. But she didn't. I hope this intense pain gets better. Does it get better? I feel so lonely without her. Did you guys feel lonely after your furry loves died? Did it hurt this much?

Geraldine,

Bless your heart, I know it really hurts. I wish I could say something to lessen your pain. I still cry for Bubba and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him. He also had cancer, and unfortunatly Lymphosarcoma is a very invasive cancer. Just know that she is not suffering anymore and her spirit does remain with you.

Kim

You just have to give yourself some time and let yourself grieve. Visit your pet's grave, get flowers or a stone for him, write out your good memories of him. Put his pictures in an album. Don't run away from your feelings. Taking time off from work is a good idea.

I don't mean you should isolate yourself, however. Talk to people who are interested in your feelings. If you can't find anyone get a counselor. Just stay in touch with people. Taking aspirin or a mild sedative will help you sleep at night.

Dear Geraldine,

I am so sorry for the loss of your furbaby Min-Min. I know the guilt you are feeling right now but please don't blame yourself. My girl of 16 had been on and off again sick for some time. When it came time to decide about putting her to sleep, my husband and I just couldn't do it. We went through this denial stage but I knew she wanted to go as she had been telling me for some time. I waited too long to help her but she died with the help of euthanasia... and if I had waited one more day she would had died on her own at home.

There is a reason Min-Min died at home in your arms. It might have seemed that her death was not peaceful but ...when I talked to my vet about euthanasia he told me in my girls final moment I might hear a sigh or something... a movement but that doesn't mean that they are in pain. I happened to glance at her in the final moment and I wish I hadn't seen the look on her face as she was passing. I kept asking myself, why did I look? I didn't mean to. This haunted me for a long time also.

Your Min-Min is free of all pain now and whole again. Try to find comfort in that. I hurt for so many months seeing my girl not so much in pain but in a state of confusion and discomfort. Now I feel that I have freed her from that and now she is full of life again. I am starting to feel peace in that.

Hugs, Kimi

Geraldine- I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby Min-Min. I lost my chocolate lab Lucy in February from Lymphoma at the age of five. She was so very sick by the time she was euthanised and I still have the memory of her passing in my arms. The word lymphoma makes me cringe. I lost my grandfather to it years ago and then my Lucy. We had a bout a month with her from the time we got her diagnosis. She was very thin too...it is a horrible, horrible disease and I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. I was angry about the cancer for a long time...what if I had caught it sooner, etc., etc. It has been 3 months now, and I still miss Lucy terribly. The first week was the worst. I walked around in a fog all day, taking care of my kids, going to work, all the while thinking that I was going to collapse from grief. Just hang on...you will make it through these dark days although it doesn't seem that you will. Just know that you are not crazy for loving something so much that you want to die along with it, or that you can't imagine going on without it. You will find joy in life again, I promise...I am so sorry for your loss...

Caroline

dear geraldine,
i am so very sorry for your loss of your beloved Min Min. i know this pain because my 16 year old cat jupiter died 2 months ago, and i didn't know how i could even go on living. it is such a journey to go on without them physically present. my pain is somewhat easier at certain times, at other times, it feels worse. mostly i ride waves of grief and find joy in his having lived and that i loved him so much.
in my professional life, i told people that there had been a death in the family, because i didn't want to deal with people's ideas of what animal grief "should" look like. there is no should with grief, and we all grieve similarly and very differently too.
i've done a lot of writing about my cat's life and death- it's helped me to cope with the pain.
This is for sure; the pain does change with time. you are definitely not alone in anything you've expressed, and i send you such love. i'll be thinking of you and the spirit of your dear Min Min

Dear Geraldine,

I feel your pain. I am so sorry about your Min-Min. It will be a week tomorrow that my furbaby Rico has been gone. We had 17 wonderful years together and i miss him terribly. Your wonderful memories of Min-Min will help you through this difficult time.
Know that you are not alone. All of us here know what you are going through and understand. It takes time but things will get better.

(((Hugs)))
Cheryl

I'm so sorry for you loss of Min-Min.

You were able to spend 17 years together, and that is a blessing in itself.

I had to let my Abby go just a few days ago. I felt so much better writing down all the wonderful times we shared together, and about all her goofy ways she had. In doing this, focusing on the good times shared, has helped me to try to not focus un the final days. Of course it is easier said than done.

I do think it helps though. We will always miss them, but now when I think back about some things she did, I can actually feel a smile on my face.

Like you, I took a day off work. Even when I went in the next day, I couldn't even look at anyone. I had told one girl the day before that if I was not in the next day she would know why. I'm not even sure if she ever said anything to others or not, but, there was no way possible I could have even thought about talking about it without having a total outburst. I couldn't wait to get out of there that day.

I bought a book a couple years back. I started to read it, but never finished it. It is called "When God Winks". I gave it to my Mom, who did read it to the end, so very frequently she will mention it. The point behind it is basically saying that you will have little signs coming from above, but not realize at that time that they are there, or what they are meant for. Now that I look back, we took in 2 baby kittens in early April, probably about 4-5 weeks at the time that were out in the wild. They probably would have been doomed if they were left where they were. I just couldn't leave them. We now only have one, the other was given to another empoyee at work. Maybe for me, this was a way to lessen the pain with Abbys loss.

I strongly suggest writing down the good memories you shared with Min-Min, and try to focus on that more, than the ending.

Midwest

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a pet since high school until tonight. It is good to know we are not alone.
Tracey

Geraldine, Each one has given you wonderful advice and I agree with all that was said. I am so sorry for you loss and I have cried along with you over the loss of your Min-Min. She blessed your life for so many years and she sounds wonderful. I think the first couple of weeks are the worst and I cried a million tears. But with time the pain will get better and the image of her leaving this world will fade and become less painful.

Your mom is right she is right there with you even though you can not see her. You will always hold her memories near and dear to your heart. Your love for her and hers for you will stay with you the rest of your life.
Ann

Geraldine,
I am so sad for you and for all the pain that you are feeling at the loss of your precious Min-Min.

My cat Tiggy died 18 months ago from lymphosarcoma. She also had an end I would not have wished for her. I took her for her euthanasia to the vets when the time was right and had already asked for her to be given a tranquilliser in the back of the neck before the euthanasia to make sure she did not struggle or was in distress when she left this world.

She had the tranquiller and went back into her cat basket and I took her back to sit in the waiting room for ten minutes for the tranquilliser to have effect. She had a bad reaction to it and started to be sick and vomit copiously. I was desperately struggling to open the door of her basket and get her out because she could not stand up enough to throw up properly and there were these terrible unearthly choking sounds coming from her. By the time I had managed to open the door and get her out she was dead. She had choked to death on her own vomit over a period of about 40 seconds because I couldn't get her out quickly enough.

One of the hardest things about her passing, was living with the guilt of her last few dreadful moments and how she just didn't deserve to experience something so horrific.

What helped me the most was to keep saying to myself. Yes, it happened ... but it's not happening RIGHT NOW. It's in the past ... her suffering is over and she is at peace now. Otherwise I continually kept thinking of those moments and reliving them over and over again, as if she was experiencing them over and over again.

Please try to tell yourself that your beautiful Min-Min is at peace now. No more pain, no more suffering. She has started her soul journey to Rainbow Bridge and will soon be with all the other furbabies who have passed. There she will become whole again and healed and she will forget any bad experience of her passing. She will just be so happy to feel whole and healed again.

Just to reassure anyone reading this, the reason that she had this bad reaction, is that I had not been told by my vet that she should have been starved for 12 hours before the tranquilliser. I had fed her just an hour beforehand, because I didn't know that the tranquilliser had the effect of making a cat vomit if they have a full stomach.

My vet had failed to give me this very important instruction.

Geraldine, when you come to this site , please know that you are among friends who will understand your grief and your pain, because we have all been there too. It is a long and very painful journey but we will be right here beside you all the way.

Bless your beautiful Min-Min
with love
jilly

Dear Geraldine,

You Poor Dear ~ I am so sorry for your loss of your dear Min Min ~ the pain and suffering that your baby knew was magically lifted from her at the final moment and in that moment you were there holding her and sending billows upon billows of love in a golden pink cloud to forever surround her ~ and keep your souls united always ~ and in your heart of hearts ~ I am truly sad that any of us has to suffer the loss of someone who did nothing but love us unconditionally all the days of their lives ~

I especially can identify with the following words you wrote:

I miss her SO much. I can't stop crying. I keep wailing out her name. Min-Min. Min-Min. I want to be with her again and feel her fur and pet her, but she is gone. She was my only friend for so long. She was always there with a loving purr. When I would come home late at night, she was the only one awake to greet me. Oh god...I miss her so much. I really feel like my heart is breaking. Why does this have to happen?

My Ambie was "there" for me nearly 20 years ~ I feel the SAME ~ I have DONE the same ~ I still call out for her in the darkened shadows of my heart ~ The early days I screamed her name laying in her favorite spots and on her pillow ~ The loss so raw ~ my world now so strangely unfamiliar ~

I have found a sea of compassion "here" ~ the kindness of others has been salve to the wounds in my heart ~ I wish the same for you ~ May you find Peace here ~ May you find safety in your grief here ~ and may you know that you are not alone here ~

Sincere Wishes of Healing ~

A Fellow Traveller Along The Way, Kathryn

Geraldine,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm sure those last moments were hard to bear. But I am SURE that there was no where else she would have preferred to be but in your arms. As others have stated, we take the pain of our babies so that they can be free of it. In time, that moment will fade and the good moments will remain. Your pain is so fresh right now but you just need to take it one minute, one hour, one day at a time. You spent so much of your life together, it's only natural it will take a while for you to adjust to the loss. I also recommend taking some time off from work if you can. I did and I'm so glad I did. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone if you don't want to.
Take care
Audrey

Everybody,

Thank you. Thank you so very, very much. I am clinging to all of your loving words and stories. I really am. It's a desperate time right now. I'm so grateful that there is a community of us who understand. I recognize the truth in ALL of these stories. Knowing that this site is here to come to at night is what keeps me going during the day.

Jilly, the story you just told about Tiggy's final moments really struck a chord with me and the specific final horrific experience I had with Min-Min. It is just gutwrenching. I absolutely understand that feeling of horror. And that "unearthly" sound. That is SO right. When you hear sounds like that coming from the warm fuzzy baby you didn't even know could make that sound...it is a frightening experience. It's like you got transported into some crazy alternate reality where everything has gone wrong in the worst possible way. You know what's strange? If I think about it enough, I can even recall the exact smell of my Min-Min in her final moments.

It's only been 2 and 1/2 days since Min-Min passed. But it already feels like ages. Exhausting ages. All of you are so strong.

Hi Geraldine,


It only seems that way because we've had a little more time to adjust than you have so far. I for one was a useless whimpering blob for about a week. In time you will begin to adjust to life without Min-Min, as you do you will find that you are able to get along better and better. As others have said, take it little by little. You will always miss Min-Min, but time will make it easier to remember the good and the pain will fade.

Tim

Geraldine,

You're on the way to healing, hon. It's devestating to lose a furangel, but you're going to get strong, also. I promise.

Min-Min will always be with you, always around you and always in your heart. You didn't lose her, just her little shell.

We're all here for you whenever you need us. That's also a promise.

Hugs,

Pat

Dear Geraldine,

I grieve your loss of your precious, Min-Min. Though 17 years may seem like a long life for a cat, it is but a blink of an eye when measured with our lives. How do we go on when these precious creatures leave us? The pain of their absence is sometimes more than we can bear.

We are all thinking of you and surrounding you in our thoughts of sympathy and comfort. It is hard to be comforted. To not be able to touch the soft fur and hear the comforting purr of our beloved fur baby is beyond description. It is akin to having our heart ripped apart.

Geraldine, it is hard enough facing life now without Min-Min so don't beat yourself up over not putting her to sleep. It was traumatic for you, I'm sure, holding her in her last moments, but she was in your arms, loved and safe, when she crossed to the other side. If they could speak to us, I'm sure they would, in their great love for us, tell us that they are not afraid, that it is beautiful, and that they are so grateful for the time they spent with us.

Please don't misunderstand my words, but you thought of Min-Min, rather than yourself in making the decision to bring her home. Often people are so overcome by grief and fear that they cannot bring themselves to be with their beloved pet so they say their goodbyes and the veterinarian and technicians are the last people the animal experiences. I am not judging for each person deals with death in their own way. I am merely trying to help you to understand that you did what you felt was right, and it was!

You must also understand that not everyone bonds with animals that way you bonded with your Min-Min. That's why you shouldn't expect too much sympathy and comfort from fellow workers--or even friends--unless they, too, love their pets deeply.

You will find immense comfort and reassurance here. All of us have experienced numerous times the loss of a beloved animal child. Yes, I refer to my beloved cats as my "children". They are friends, comforters, teachers, healers, clowns, heartbreakers, and most of all, givers of complete and unconditional love. I've never known any human being, outside of my own mother, who I can attest to be such an enthusiastic giver of love, acceptance and loyalty!

Keep in mind that grief is not something you attach a time frame too. Each person grieves differently. But...I urge you to allow yourself to grieve. You will find gradual healing in the grieving process.

I grew up in in the Christian faith. I still believe in Jesus Christ and what He did for me at the cross. I also respect others' religions and I find wonderful friendship and uplifting with my associations with people who are metaphysical. Their reverence for all life appeals to my deepest feelings.

You will see Min-Min again. Life is a never-ending circle. Spirit never dies and often there is debate about whether animals have souls. I made the decision as a small child that animals indeed have souls. Min-Min's spirit is soaring free now. One day when your heart is no longer aching and the tears are not flowing so painfully, your cherished memories of Min-Min will wash over you like a warm spring rain. You'll smile and realize that though you no longer have her physical presence, you will always have her indelible image in your mind. Then you will understand that you have arrived at a place where pain has been replaced with hope and a realization that love will keep you together forever!

I can recommend some wonderful books if you're interested at some point in the future.

With great love and wishes for the peace and comfort that only God brings,

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

I know it's hard. I'm still struggling. My cat of nearly 18 years, Butterscotch, died about a week and a half ago now. I still catch glimpses of her on the couch where she always slept. I look at the sun coming in the window and I know how she would sprawl out on the carpet in the warmth.
When she first died, I thought of moving out. I live with my mom right now(a year out of college, figuring things out) and I thought if I got my own place, I wouldn't have to see all the places she always was. That it would help me get over her. But what I realized was that it's better to be here, to grieve here, because that way I"m not pushing it away, I'm dealing with it head on. It's hard for people to understand how much our cats love us and how much we love them. Unless your a cat person, I don't think you can quite understand. Most outsiders see cats as uncaring and lazy. How wrong they are! I had a rough time going to work also, as I was afraid of being made fun of. My coworkers were amazing and supportive. But even if yours are different, don't let them affect the way you feel. It is absolutely fine to be upset about this. Take your time to deal with it as you see fit. Keep coming here, it helps, tremendously.
It helped me to pull out photographs of her growing up. I put some in my room, and around where I usually saw her. That way I could remember the good times we shared and not think of those painful last few days. Just try to remember all the joy you brought each other.
Your cat is in a safe place now, feeling no pain. Try to find comfort in that.

Keep posting as you see fit
Kendra

Hi Geraldine,

I'm really sorry for the loss of Min Min. I know how absolutely devestating it is. We lost our beautiful nearly 14 year tortie Fluff, after a short illness in October last year. She had been losing weight for a long time and despite blood tests and vet examinations, nothing ever showed up, She stopped eating properly about 6 weeks before we were due to go on holiday - again, nothing showed up. I really felt uneasy and didn't want to go away. Against my better judgement. we did and spent all 2 weeks phoning home, to be told she was fine. Still something nagged at me and my worst fears were confirmed - Fluff was skin and bone, but still struggled up to greet us - an emergency CXR finally revealed the cause of her symptoms as a lung tumour. My beautiful girl was helped on her way 36 hours after our return. I felt so much guilt at having abandoned her - but through time, i know we made the right decision. I think that she choose the 2 weeks we were away, to finally let go, as she knew how hard it would be watching her fade. DH and i have both " seen/ felt " her at different times and this has been so comforting and every time we see a rainbow, we know she is saying hello.
4 days ago, my healing heart was shatterd into bits. Our ever present, queen bee nearly 17 year old Cleo, joined her at the bridge. This time i am in pieces, i'm going through crying, anger and denial. She was supposed to live forever - we got her soon after we met and she was just so much part of us. I just can't believe she has gone. Who else will keep me company in the evening and be sandwiched between us at night or under the duvet. Slowly, there are times when i am starting to smile at the memories. I "saw" her this morning - it was a beautiful start to the day. I know that time will heal and there will be such joy when i think of her.
It will get easier Geraldine - the pain will lessen and the smiles will come back. It does help to talk about our gorgeous babes.
Take care
Lynn