I am so upset, I feel like I have died.

Eight years ago, I was working ina pet store and a woman came in one day, saying that becasue she was moving, she was going to have her 1 yr old cat put down because "she couldn't have pets". I begged her to instead, give him to me. I had never seen this cat before, I only knew that he was white, and even with that description as my only basis, I knew I'd fall hopelessly in love with him. When I went to pick him up, he seemed very frightened, and I later found out that in his 1 year life span, he had already been through two owners, one of which was abusive. I spent many years coaxing him out from under beds, inside closets, and other hiding places. When he heard a knock on the door, he would hide in fear every time. This went on for some time, but I was determined to make him feel safe and happy. Eventually, he learned to trust that I would never harm him, and the personality that he developed was the most loving, most joyous one you ever could find. He was unlike any cat I'd ever known, desperately wanting to be held, putting his paws around your neck as if to hug you (has anyone else ever heard of a cat doing this?) rubbing his head under your chin. I have two other cats and a dog, but my Osiris (Momo) was my heart and soul.

Three days ago, I woke up and found him laying on his side. He was having trouble breathing, wheezing. I called my vet right away, and we rushed Osi over. Our vet took an Xray and saw that he had a bit of fluid in his lungs. He put Mo in an incubator, and he seemed to be breathing better. During that time, he showed us the Xrays - Mo's stomach looked big, like he hadn't digested his food from the night before. He said he was going to keep an eye on that. Mo stayed at the vet the whole day, and that night the vet said that because he wasn't on fluids at the moment, and because his breathing was slightly more normal (they cleared his lungs a bit), he could go home for the night and come right back in the morning for another Xray. That night we brought him home, I placed him in his favorite spot on the patio so he could feel the breeze and watch the birds and insects. I kept the other animals away from him so they wouldn't bother him. And when I went to sleep that night, I placed him in my bathroom with a baby gate so I could wake every hour and make sure that he was breathing. The next morning, I rushed him back to our vet. He did another xray, and Mo's stomach still looked big. This time, he could also make out a mass - he wasn't sure what it was. He put Mo back in his incubator and would take another x-ray in a few hours. Blood work seemed normal, his electrolites were low, so he was placed on fluids. That night, the vet said he thought Mo should stay due to the fluids. Another xray would be taken in the morning to see the stomach, but if everything was stil large, he would do an exploratory to see what was going on inside. He warned us that it could be cancer. I bent down at Mo's cage and kissed him and kissed him. I was afraid to let go of him, afraid to leave. My husband and I stayed until we aboslutely had to leave, and when our vet closed Mo's cage, he put his paw out for us to touch, as if he were reassuring us. The next day we woke very early and headed to the vet. We couldn't wait to see him. When we got there, our vet came out and said, "Did you get my message?" We hadn't, we'd already left the house. "Osiris died during the night." My world came to an end right there. I went in the back and saw his body - I was in shock. I didn't want to believe this had happened!

When my vet asked to do an autopsy, I waited to find out what had happened. Osi had, indeed, had cancer of his pancreas. He could no longer digest food (big stomach), and fluid had entered his lungs again. His whole body had just given up.

The worst part, or the best part, is that he never showed any signs of sickness until that day. He was jumping, playing, eating, everything. It was as if he didn't know he was sick, or he just didn't want us to know.

I feel terrible that my little Mo died by himself. I feel so badly, I want to die from the pain. He was only nine, and I feel like I was robbed, like he was robbed, out of many more years. I look everywhere in my house, and all I can see is him. I lift his little food bowl and hold it to my chest and break down, sobbing.

I almost wish I had known, but at the same time, if I had known, I would've tried anything to sacve him, and it might have cost him the quality of his life. I just wish I could turn back the clock to the night he was okay, and just hold him for a little while longer.

Is there anything at all to help this hurting and overwhleming guilt that I feel?

Thanks for listening.

Rachel

Rachel,

I am so so sorry for your loss. Osiris (wonderful name-- we have a dog named Hathor, also an Egyptian deity) sounds like an incredibly special animal.

I know the loss is devastating, but as I read your post, I cannot help but think what a wonderful life you gave him. Yes, 9 is way too young -- but because of you he had 8 very happy years -- years that the previous owner(s) did not want to give him at all. You taught him how to trust and to love, and even if his life was too short, bc of your kindness and patience, he had many fabulous years.

I think cancer, especially some types and probably especially in cats can come on very fast. My Saki died of liver cancer June 19, 2003, and it seemed to come on so fast.

I know that all you want to do is cry - and that is ok. But I would also suggest doing what you can to honor Osiris's memory. Make a memory photo book or collage, make a special box to keep his things in, I made a 2004 calendar of the three furbabies I lost last year and that helps me... Also, what are you doing with his remains? You could make a special garden spot if you bury him, or if you have him cremated you can hug the urn (instead of his water dish... I hug and pet Saki and Electra's urns still) or you could scatter his ashes in a special place.

Nothing, really is going to make the pain go away. Try to find comfort where you can. With time, you don't cry as much. It does get easier (though I can't say the pain stops). But comfort yourself and take care of yourself, and know that everyone out here feels your pain with you.

Love,
Jennifer

Thanks for replying, Jennifer. I can't believe you lost three in such a short time. I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It is still very hard to believe this has even happened. It's like I'm in some horrible dream that I just can't wake up from.
I am starting to understand, and I am trying not to be so hard on myself. I realize that in these hard times, we tend to place blame on ourselves, as we can't really place it anywhere else. I know that it really is a blessing that he went so fast, even though I didn't really get a chance to 'digest' it, so to speak. And it was probably for the best that we didn't know he was so sick, becasue then we might have been selfish and tried to prolong the inevitable, therefore taking away the quality of his life in the hopes of retaining the quantity we all desire so much.
He definitely had a happy life, and I am so glad I could give it to him. I'd do it again a hundred times, in spite of the pain I feel. We're here on this earth to impact lives positively, I believe. So many animals die each day, their deaths unnoticed, with no one to mourn their passing. I am so grateful for the time I shared with my Mo, and I am even more grateful that I am here to morun his passing.
I bought Osi an urn made of marble - white, like he was. I don't have it back yet, and I can't wait to have him home. I am sure I will hug him all the time.

I did make a box of some of his favorite things and many pictures. I also put his best pics up on the wall in my study. This was a help. My husband is an artist, and he took a picture of Mo and outlined his profile (Mo was a fatty, part of his oh-so-cuteness). We took the drawing to a jeweler and I am having it etched into a heart locket, so I can wear him close to my heart.

I thanks again for your reply. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who has a death-defying relationship with my animal companion. I wish everyone in this world had the same kind of compassion in their hearts.

Rachel

You are right! I see a lot of road kill when I drive to work. I see dogs, cats and lately possum, coyote and rabbit. I don't think anyone mourns their deaths and that is sad in itself. Osi is a lucky cat to have loved and been loved.

Tia

Thanks Tia.

I think that I would adopt a thousand animals if I had the space and money to do so, if it meant that each and every one of them would have a happy life.


I am so glad that I was able to do that for my Mo Mo.

Hi, Rachel,

You sound better today. Good for you. I know you may not feel better, but you are sounding better.

Saki died June 19, and our wedding anniversary is June 17; Tim gave me a locket with Saki's name on it for our anniversary. It means so much. I never have put a picture in it tho. I am afraid the pic would get hurt and then I would just die (I'd forget I had it on and shower with it on or some such thing). But I love the idea of getting the outline etched inside (wish my husb was an artist!!!!). After Electra died, I put the locket on Lec's collar and wear the collar on my wrist like a bracelet. Unfortunately (or fortunately) we buried Frey with her tags and all... But February is one of her months on the calendar I made, so I get to look at her every day... Darn cute pic... (I just looked at it and smiled... see, it does change over time...)

It's just a long road, you know? And unfortunately, the deeper, stronger, more intense your love -- the deeper and stronger and more intense the loss...

hi again Jennifer,

Thanks for being such a friend in this, as it is such a hard time. I am not the only one who has thought about the locket
I love the idea of wearing the collar as a bracelet. I've already informed my husband that as each one of our beloveds pass, he will be creating a locket of them. I am thinking that I will wear Mo's little sketch as long as possible, and when I am ready, I will put it in his new memory box.

I did find out something (sort of) helpful. Over the weekend I thought about it, and I realized that I *actually* didn't know Osi's real age. When I adopted him from that woman years ago, she said she thought he was one at the tiem, and I just assumed that was right. After he died though, I thought about asking my vet, as I never had asked, or even thought about it further, before.

I spoke to our family vet yesterday, and asked. He said that judging Mo's teeth (apparently this is how age is determined), he was at least twelve or thirteen! For some strange reason, this makes me feel better and worse - better, because in cat years, he lived a long time, especially with cancer and being overweight (he was super chubby, but so cute!), and worse, because that means that there were several years that he lived his life without me, and vice versa. Sigh...

My other two cats seem okay, but my dog is depressed. He was Mo's best friend in the whole world - they groomed each other, played together, rubbed one another. My poor pekingese seems a little lost w/o him. We took him to the doggy park on Sun, and he practically attacked every dog walking, and he is never ever aggressive! Our vet said that he is "not feeling right" right now - emotional stress. I wonder if they know that Mo has passed.

This, and my intense lonliness, makes me think that I should get another cat. I feel badly for my puppy, and I feel selfish for myself, even though I shouldn't. My husband does not want another cat. He thinks it is all too painful, and that we sohuld focus on the ones we have. The ones we have are not affectionate, though, and I miss having a kitty who needs my love and attention like my Mo did. My husband also thinks that the animals might be angry or scared that there's a "Stranger" in the house that is not Mo. And, he doesn't wnat me to be dissappointed if this new cat does not "x" like Mo, or "Y" like Mo. But I know there's never going to be a replacement for him, even if I had a hundred cats!

I would like to adopt an adult cat, as Mo was, and a rescue, as Mo was. I believe that this will honor the spirit of my Mo, but my husband thinks it is a dishonor. He believes we should respect his absence, but this is brutal pain for me. As you can see, this is a bit of a problem, as I don't want to impede on his grieving with my own selfishness.

My emotions are all mixed up right now, because I believe I want another cat, but I feel guilty about that in every way. It seems like if I do get another cat, it owuld be erasing Mo's existence, like this cat would be in "his place".

I'm just not sure of anything right now, you know? What do you guys think?

Hi Osilover:

I am so sorry, so much sorry about your loss. I do not know what else to say, I just wish I could hug you. And of course, I am crying about Osi, and I am crying out of anguish I know you feel right now, I do not know what to say. The only thing that comes to my mind that he was such a lucky person, he found you, and you gave him gift of life 8 years ago, and the most importantly, you gave him yourself, and your love.
I have a special place in my heart for white cats, probably it is unfair, but that what it is. I red somewhere that cat's personality is affected by their colors, for example, white cats are usually shy, cautious, and a little bit strange/piculiar, I totally believe it, and that's what makes them so so special. Did you notice that about Mo?
I know very well how Mo was hugging you around your neck, and I know very well, how you left it at the vet, and he reached you with his paw, and how you kissed him.
I am not surprised anymore that he seemed healthy and you did not noticed him being sick until the very end, that's seems repeating from many experiences.
Obviously, you love him so much, and he is so special. I also could relate to the point of having other guys/cats at the time, but this particular one is just not a cat, but so much more...and I also wrote at the time of his death on this board "How could I continue?"

My advice would be not to take any kiddy right now, unless you are saving them from death. You need to have your time with your sorrow, and that is very true, nothing would fill the void, not right now.

With all my heart, missing my white shubby man Nickolas,

Annette

Mo was very shy at first, Annette. After a while though, he really opened up

Tonight is very hard, because it is one week ago tonight that I saw my little Mo Mo for the last time. I try not to think this way, but it is hard. I'm still missing his presence so much. It feels wrong not to have him with me. I know that this was meant to happen exactly how it happened, and my head understands this, and I suppose in time my heart will as well.

Did your white cat put his paws around your neck too, Annette? Sometimes I wonder if any other cat in the world has done that. And you're right, he was super special!

I have decided that to turn my grief into something positive - and to avoid adopting a cat that I a)don't know well enough, and I am not ready for - I am going to volunteer my time at a local no-kill feline shelter. Mo was a rescue, and he was so incredible, so grateful for our time as was I, and I think he would want me to spend my time giving love to others who need it as well.

Thanks for everything you've all done, guys. I don't think I could've understood things so well without this forum. It has really helped me.

Hi, Rachel,

Good for you for deciding to become a volunteer. That is wonderful.

Generally, the advice on getting a new pet is 1) don't make any major decisions while you are grieving and 2) wait and 3) get one when you are ready...

We didn't wait. We got Hathor the dog 6 weeks after Frey passed. Saki died June 19, but we still had Electra and she was FIV (and lived to be well into her 15th year), so we couldn't get any other cats... but we did a week after she passed.

Tim has been surprised to learn that his relationship with Hathor has NOTHING to do with Freyja. It does not make him miss Freyja less, it in no way alters or effects how he felt for Freyja. (I already sorta knew this, so I have not been so surprised...)

Electra was never affectionate like Saki was, but I am definitely a cat person and could not bear the idea of a house without cats in it. Our new little kittens are very sweet and we are bonding with them. Still, it is kinda weird. Tim fell immediately and madly in love with Hathor. I don't know if it is the grief (maybe not) but I am a bit slower in forming my attachments.... I actually think I was probably like that with Freyja, Electra and Saki, too...

Love,
Jennifer

I definitely think that we all grieve so differently, and at different times. I feel like most of my grieving for Mo was those first few days where I thought I was going to die from the pain. Now, however, I am beginning to understand that this had always been - it was meant to be this way. There is no use wondering about those "what if"s. From the moment I first held him in my arms, this was written in the stars. I am coming to terms with this now, and it has helped quite a bit.

We picked up his urn from the vet yesterday. It's really nice - beautiful, as he was in life, and still is in afterlife. I placed a small statue of a "lucky cat" on top of his urn - I bought it a long time ago because it is happy, white, and chubby, and it reminded me of my Mo then. Now every time I look at it, I can't help but smile and remember all of our good times with that sweet boy.

I really would like another cat, but I think the best time to actually adopt one will be the time when I no longer feel an absolute need to. I still acknowledge my Mo's absence, but understanding what I mentioned in the previous paragraph is keeping me sane and grounded. I think it would, in the long run, be selfish not to adopt. There are so many cats out there without homes, how can I ever turn one down?

I was SO fortunate to have my Osi in my life, he was (and still is, I'm sure!) a joy and a treasure that I will keep with me forever. I couldn't have been more blessed, ever.

Thank you for saying, "it was written in the stars"..... because, I keep rambling, not sure if I'm making sense at all to anyone. I keep looking at Ernestine's picture, and I hold her favorite Beanie Baby; "Lemur"..... I try to smell her..... I touch her brush, look at the fur on it....
Ben's raincoat, in the closet, where Ernie used to go in and lay down, her fur is all over the bottom of it.... a reminder of how beautiful my baby was....
NOW, I figured out how to answer these posts; I was clicking on "New Topic", instead of "reply", so I'm sorry to all that I took up so much space.... Now I know to click on "reply".
It had to be written somewhere, in the Heavens, in the Stars..... I always believed, but you made me remember, that, on the day I was handed to my mother, that "the story of my life" was already "written up that day by God". You helped me to remember that when you said, "it was written in the stars".... So, thank you for that & God Bless You.
Love, Denise

I'm so glad that I oculd help you, Denise. I really tihnk this is true - how can it not be? Have you been having dreams about your Ernestine? I have been having dreams about Mo. In my dreams, I know he has passed away, and I see his body, but suddenly, he wakes up, as if he was sleeping. I wonder if this is his way of trying to communicate with me, and let me know he's okay. I certainly would like to think so.


So sorry for your loss.

Rachel

Dear Rachel:

I guess I am so "open-minded" that I believe in the power of dreams.... I think (I really do), that your Mo-Mo came to you in your dreams, to say, "I'm okay mom.... I'm in no pain & having fun...I'll see you again". I REALLY DO!!!!!
I haven't yet dreamed of "Ernie-Bird", (she had a lot of names, but as I said to someone, "she always answered to the can opener, or even, better yet... if I got ice out to put in water or a drink, she was right there...she loved ice in her water; mostly to "bat it around"... A lovely remembrance....
Your beloved "Mo-Mo" and my "Ernestine" -- THEY ARE HELPING US..... their wonderful little (big) spirits..their souls...
They don't want us to suffer, to hurt, to question "why"......... It is was IT IS....
I think it is beautiful that your Mo-Mo came to you in a dream.... Your connection was that strong....
Close your eyes & just think of your "Mo-Mo"..........
Our beloved "family members" aren't really gone... True, gone from our sight.... But, I wrote a song A LONG time ago & it was something like, "Memories can never be taken away."
Unless you have that awful disease, YOU WILL ALWAYS BE BLESSED WITH BEAUTIFUL MEMORIES....!!!!!
I was SHOCKED today to receive a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent from my younger brother, sis-in-law & 3 kids.. (+ 2 dogs & 2 cats)...............
I could never enjoy flowers b/c I was afraid Ernie would chew them and I never knew which ones were poisonous, so I kept all flowers on top of fridge; not real visable...
But, this beautiful bouquet is on top of the TV; right near her window perch. She would've loved them.
Listen to everyone here...they are very wise... I'm just learning, but, in only 3 days, (of course, along with my true love Ben (a human)), I feel okay. She was suffering. I know that.
Please, write all the time if you feel like it.... I know that I will..
Love Always, Denise (&Ben)