As I sit here in tears, once again, I was overjoyed to find this forum. I have read through many of the posts, but still have many to go through. I think maybe knowing that we are not alone sometimes helps us find comfort.

I had to make the decision to put Abby to sleep on Thursday. She had not been eating, and hardly drinking, since this past Sunday when I noticed. I bought her some canned dog food, which generally she would have gobbled up in a second, and even with that, she ate some, but hardly any. The next day I fixed her some eggs, and she maybe took a bite, and left the rest. This was just not her. I think her goal in life was to see what she could find to eat.

I took her to the vet Thursday morning. After reading several posts, this seems to be somewhat of a common issue. After doing blood work, they found that her levels were very high leading to kidney and liver damage. The vet told me they could go ahead and do further testing, but with her age, (she would be 12 this summer), and being a bigger dog, a black lab, that this is around their life expectancy. He could have done an x-ray, but said she was very near to toxic levels and would have to be put on IV's immediately. I made the decision to let her go.

The guilt I feel, is because I believe she knew something wasn't right, and I don't know if she was trying to tell me something, and maybe I just wasn't hearing it, now that I think back over it. When I went to get her out of the van, she just refused, before going into the vets. It took me quite awhile to get her out.

After doing the blood work, when it was time to go into a room for her last minutes, I was alone with her and talked to her. She would not even look at me. I don't blame her.

The worst part was when they actually went to insert the serum, they couldn't find a vein, and had to try in 3 different legs. With that, they had to switch to a smaller needle, which meant things would take a little longer. She finally passed and I hope she is at peace.

The night before I took her in, I had the feeling things would not go well. I slept with her in the living room all night. I believe she enjoyed that.

I don't know if she was trying to tell me something or not, but I've had some friends go through very similar experiences, and none had turned out well.

I know without her being able to eat for several days must have been dreadful on her. She was still going outside, but I didn't want her to get to the point of being totally miserable.

If I would have opted to have the IV's started, I would have had to leave her there, and I know in my heart that she would not have wanted that. Maybe they would have helped, but would I be prolonging it for me or for her.

I hope I made the right decision, but I am having a very hard time believing that I did.

I miss her dearly. She was at my side constantly, and followed me around everywhere.

Even though she has been somewhat inactive for a couple of years, not running like she used to and walking as fast, I think she found comfort in the belly rubs and massages she would get, not to say she still didn't enjoy a good walk. She loved that!

There will never be another one like her.

I am just so very sorry that you had to lose your little Abby. I am so sorry it did not go well for your baby. You have come to a good place where we all comfort each other and help each other through the most painful journey of our lives. It helps so much to talk about our babies and share our grief with so many.
Ann

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your precious Abby We all know that terrible pain and the guilt that always seems to go with it. You made the best decision for her, I am sure of that.

I lost my sweet Rachael last October. Like your Abby, she was a beautiful black lab. She was also my constant companion, best friend and daughter. She would have been 12 years old the next month in November. I also didn't see any signs that her health was failing until the very end. I have been told that our furbabies hide any weakness until their bodies can no longer disguise it. It's part of their natural instincts from the wild. I believe this 100%! I read in here ALL the time that many of us seem to experience this. Our furbabies get sick and yet we have no clues until it is too late.

I remember going through the same thing you just did. When Rachael stopped eating I started boiling her chicken and rice. She just LOVED, LOVED, LOVED chicken! That only worked for a day. By the next day, she wouldn't even eat that. We discovered that she had been bleeding internally from cancer. There was nothing we could do. So, we took her home and spent some quality time with her. We made the decision to end her suffering, like you did.

You gave Abby such a good life! Most important, when the time came, you gave her the very best gift of all! You freed her from any more suffering! As you will see written in here (and the statement that gave me the most comfort), you took on Abby's pain and suffering so she wouldn't have to. What a beautiful loving gift!

Time will become your best friend now, because only time will help you heal. Please allow yourself to feel this intense pain and let the tears flow. Talk to Abby! I still walk around to this day and have little conversations with my Rachael. I just know her precious spirit is close by, still watching over me and protecting me as she did in her physical body. Some people keep a journal and find that helps. I set up a memorial to Rachael at home and at work. I have a wall that has her pictures and some very touching poems. My very favorite (and the one I honestly feel Rachael felt) is May I Go Now?. It can be seen at: (But have some Kleenex handy!)
http://www.la-spca.org/pet_loss/comfort/may_i_go.htm

I pray for your peace and comfort!
My thoughts are with you,
Cheri

I am so sorry about your Abby. I lost my Sam in January to what sounds like the same disease....Chronic Renal Failure. We took him in for an annual in February of '04 and found the kidney numbers very high. The vet gave him four months. I was lucky enough to find K9 Kidneys online and with their help was able to keep him with us for eleven months. What I did learn is that by the time the disease is identified they have lost over 75% of kidney function. There is no cure, just a postponement. Like you, I chose not to leave him for the fluids and did not do the IV at home. He was a major whimp and had never been left alone anywhere. The time away from us would have been torture for him as well as giving him an IV every day. Now I second guess myself all of the time. What I do know that is if I had done both things, it would have only kept him with us a bit longer, It is a dreaded disease that takes our pups before their time. Sam was also twelve but a smaller dog. You have to focus on the fact that for his twelve years he was loved and was a tremendously lucky dog to have someone that loved him so and took such good care of him. So many dogs are not so fortunate! I can tell you it won't be easy. I still have very bad days....yesterday being one of them....but it is getting better. This is a terrific site as is K9 Kidney on Yahoo. I find great comfort visiting both daily.
I wish you the best. If ever you need to communicate, feel free to email me.
Barbara and Sam 1/10/05

I am so sorry for your loss ~ words cannot express the despair I know you are feeling ~ your post and the ones that follow echo my feelings and similar experiences in letting my Amber cross to the spiritual realm ~ I just want you to know that you are not alone ~ My Ambie also stopped eating and drinking for days~ only when I begged her would she lick at some food or the tiniest bit of water ~ the blood work also confirmed toxic levels and was in end stage CRF ~this all happened so fast ~ within a week ~ I too had the what if thoughts ~ but have to know and trust that my Vet loved her too and had tears in his eyes when he was helping me hear what he had to let me know ~ and I too chose not to inflict her with IV's and constant shots ~ she was an old dear soul so precious and sweet ~ I could not bear to have her tiny body innundated with needles only to be back at the same place only too soon after that ~ please know that you did the right thing ~ only you know the heart of your heart and piece of your soul that you shared with your sweet Abby ~ it is the most personal and loving thing you could have done ~ to have her last days be filled with love and dignity ~ I want to express my compassion at your brave and selfless actions of love for your Abby ~ Remember you are not alone ~ Sincerely, Kathryn

You absolutely did the right thing. This is what your dog would have wanted. I went the other route--the writing was on the wall that something was wrong with my cat, probably a tumor, but I wanted to exhaust every chance that it might be something treatable. So I left my cat at the vet where they did many tests, all of which turned out inconclusive.

Finally I gave permission for exploratory surgery. I wasn't present for it because I figured I would take him home no matter what. I wasn't prepared for them to find pervasive cancer--all over his liver and spleen. I decided I should have him euthanized before he woke up. But how I wish now I had been able to tell him goodbye. I wish his last days had not been spent at the vet's getting tested for things he probably didn't have.

I know your dog wouldn't have wanted all those tests and IVs. He wanted to be with you. Please be at peace with your decision.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Abby. I think we all have guilt feelings after losing one of our furbabies. We wonder if we should've waited longer, or we wonder if we waited too long. I know with Shiloh, I wondered if I had taken her into her oncologist a few days before her scheduled appointment if it would've made a difference. It might have made a difference, but even so, it would've only prolonged the inevitable for a week, maybe two. Today, I find peace in knowing that wherever Shiloh is, she's cancer free, she's running and playing and enjoying herself. I know that when I made the decision to have her put to sleep I gave her a great gift...I ended her suffering. You too gave Abby a great gift...you ended her suffering. I was very touched by you spending the night with Abby in the livingroom. I know she enjoyed that, and that's one of the most important memories Abby took with her to the rainbow bridge.

Be gentle with yourself as you grieve. You loved Abby very much and gave her a wonderful life...and in the end, that's all the really matters.

You're in my thoughts.
Kathleen

This stage of transition is difficult for everyone, midwest. I am just beginning to understand that with some sense of clarity myself. Guilt, despair, those hateful little what-if questions... they serve no purpose but to prolong your *own* suffering. Let them go as best you can and resolve to believe that you made the right decision in what you did. I can't express how my heart goes out to you right now - as I'm sure all our hearts go out to you in this dark time - but understand at all times that you aren't alone. We will hold your hand and help you through this as much as possible. Rely on us, on your own heart, and on your spirituality, whatever it is, to get you through.

There is no easy route to take you clear of these tumultuous waters, sweetheart. This is a place we must all go through, in pain and agony and suffering, until we find our souls again on the other side. I myself am having a perfectly horrid time disconnecting from the same feelings you're expressing... it's anguish, isn't it? But have faith that it will pass, and that your choice was for the ultimate benefit of your darling Abby. Such a sweet soul doesn't deserve such pain as would have been afforded her had you hesitated in your resolve.

We're with you, and so is Abby. Always.

God bless you and keep you, midmest.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't say more than has already been said. Just know that we are here for you and feel your pain.

Hugs,
Dawn

Thank you all for the kind messages.

Even though it has only been a few days, I truly felt better after doing this. I'm not one to keep a journal, and now wish I had, not only for my beloved Abby, but also on my children. They are middle aged now.

Even though no one else will probably ever read it, it just felt good to write it down. I had jotted down some quick thoughts about Abby, and then later wrote it in a do%%ent and something I can add to anytime I want. Now when I think about her, I will try and go to that, instead of remembering her last moments.

I was finally able to look at a few recent photos taken. I just finished talking to her, before I came on this site.

All of you here are wonderful people. I'm so glad that I found this site.

Midwest, I know it's hard. I lost my cat a little over a week ago. It's still hard, but it is amazing how much this site has helped to grieve. When I'm thinking something, or feeling something, i can come here and write about it. Then I am able to get honest opinions from other people.
It was hard, because I had to choose to put my cat down. My mom told me that she wished animals would die on their own, because then we wouldnt' have to make the choice to put them down. But I believe they give us these warning signs so we can say our goodbyes.
Looking at old pictures helped me a lot. I was able to remember all the great times we had. I remembered things that I havent' thought of in a long time. It also helped push out those feelings of guilt and remember the love instead.
Things will get better, in the meantime, keep posting, there are wonderful people here to help!

Kendra

How easy it would be if they could all pass on their own. Somewhere in my heart, I believe I knew it would be the last night I spent with Abby. She so much hated going to the vet, and to have to take her there the next day, not fully knowing what they would say, I think down deep I did. As I spent my last night with her, I believe I wishfully prayed that she would just "go on", so we did not have to go through what we did. Unforatantely, that did not happen.

I miss her dearly and think about her every day, but most days now, without tears. I bring her picture up every night to say good-night to her.

A friend of mine e-mailed this to me, and I just loved it.
********************************************************************************
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Dog, My Friend

When God had made the earth and sky, the flowers and the trees. He then made all the animals and all the birds and bees. And when his work was finished, and not one was quite the same, He said "I'll walk this Earth of mine and give each one a name". And so he traveled land and sea, and everywhere he went, a little creature followed him, until it's strength was spent.
When all were named upon the earth, and in the sky and sea, the little creature said "Dear Lord, there's not one left for me". The Father smiled, and softly said "I've left you to the end,
I've turned my own name back to front, and called you "Dog, my friend".
********************************************************************************
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Abby was my friend, and she was always there.

I've done so well without having the tears, but after reading that, they just flowed. Abby was my dear sweat friend, and you knew she would always be there for you, to welcome you, sit with you, and sleep with you. Her pleasure was her walks and her treats, and body rubs. Thats so little to give to them, in comparison as what they actually give to us.

I now can only say, I wish I could have done more.

Midwest

"Dog, my friend" is very touching. Thank you for sharing it.

please put your mind at peace, do not feel guilty, you have done the best you could and taken the right decision, it is easy to blame ourselves and ask all the questions of what if, but abby would thank you she is no longer suffering.

sometimes we feel so hurt we blame ourselves and start looking for guilt, you should not, I felt terribly guilty to have to make the decision for my dog Perseus, he was 15 and could no longer stand up on his legs or eat, I felt guilty because I could not grieve properly at the time for him as my husband was dying of cancer and followed Perseus 3 weeks later, I would cry for my husband and feel guilty it was not for Perseus, or I would cry for Perseus and feel guilty it was not for my husband.

This guilt you feel is not a guilt, it is the great pain of love that talks, you feel so sad that somehow you are asking yourself all those questions, you are scare you may have not done enough for Abby, well you have done all you could and that last decision was the hardest but it shows how much you cared, how you did not want abby to suffer, you have despite this intense pain had the courage to let her go for her sake.

Wear your head with pride, you are in no way guilty of anything but love and that is a wonderful gift
Kind thoughts

I didn't want to start a new topic, so I decided to add it to my original.

Though I miss my Abby dearly, the days are not so bad. I believe she has found comfort and is no longer "just laying around" as she did. I envision her being playful again, and enjoying life.

Why I am writing actually is because of my youngest son. First off, I should say Abby was my girl, and after the kids turned a year old, she never cared much for them. She was great when they were babies, but once they wanted to tug at her, and play, she wanted nothing to do with them. She was a bit difficult with others, but between her and me, the bond was enormous.

The day I put her to sleep, the kids came home from school, and my youngest just seemed like he really didn't care. Their Dad took them to baseball, and a few hours later when they got back, my youngest said the most hurtful words to me at the time, that I could ever envision. He walked in the house and said "can't you get over Abby?" It crushed my heart, and I thought that one of my own could never say such a statement that was as hurtful as that was.

Yesterday, we dropped off our kitten to have him declawed. He was brought home a few weeks before Abby had left us. He is a wild cat, and probably would have ended up dead, had I not taken him. He was not in a good environment. I have no regrets about it, and am glad the kids now can have a pet of their own. Since he left yesterday though, my youngest has come up to me several times telling me how he can't spend another day without him, and how he misses him so much. I am just having a really hard time dealing with that, with the casualnesss and insensitivity he had towards Abby. The kitten will be fine, and be home in a couple of days. Abby will never return home again.

I am more ticked off at my son than anything else at this time. I just really needed to get this off my chest. I don't want to neglect his feelings, and try and console him the best I can. I am glad I have someplace to share this with.

Midwest

How old is your son? I'm not so sure he really understands the bond you had with Abby. Since she didn't care much for the kids, it's likely the kids never felt much of a bond with her either.

Maybe if you have a private chat with him about how he feels about the new kitty being gone for a couple days. Then point out how you miss Abby the same way, but she's not coming back. Maybe he'll be able to make the connection better. I can't promise he will feel any different toward Abby, but once he understands that Mom loves and misses Abby like he loves and misses the new kitty, he might be able to understand how his words hurt you.

Tim

Tim, thanks for the reply. Your words make great sense, and I will sit down and talk to him about this, and maybe explain things in a better way to him. He is old enough to understand. He just turned 9. I wasn't expecting them to have tremendous problems with her passing, so the actual result was somewhat expected. I just couldn't believe he would make a remark like that. I was probably pretty tough on him that day, after he said it, but I wanted him to know how much he hurt me.

I appreciate your comments.

Midwest

I really share your feelings of guilt regarding Abby, but I am comforted to see that the days are not so bad for you now. Reading everyone's postings I see a pattern of guilt with most of us and I wonder if that is how it always is. You always wonder if you could have done more and you always regret the things you did or didn't do. I am going through terrible, gutwrnching, horrifying feelings of guilt: why was I away so much; why did I not pay more attention to the obvious signs; why did I do and not do so many, many things and WHY was I not there in the last forty minutes of Ryd's life. Nobody should cross over in the presence of strangers, however kind and wellmeaning the vet her nurse were. I should have been there.
The thing that I am currently feeling terrible about is that because so many people don't understand the magnitude of my giref, I have even told a few people (including my doctor) that 'a member of my family' died. This is not untrue in my mind; Ryd was as much (and in some case more so) a member of my family than most humans, so I grieve her loss as much if not more. I just couldn't bear it if another person said to me 'but it's just a cat' or 'you can get another one' or 'never mind; you''ll get over it', as though she was something you could buy in a supermarket. I don't mean to deny Ryd her rightful place by failing to acknowledge her as the beautiful kitty that she was (and lets face it, most cats are superior to the human race not so? ;o) but I want to protect her from being trivialised and dismissed by an unfeeling world. I hope she understands.
LIlith, I cried when I read your posting; how appalling for you to go through what you went through. I really feel for you and hope you have a loving support network around you to help you through two awful losses. At least here you will always find a sympathetic shoulder.
My thoughts are with all of you and your little furry ones in your dark hours.
B