This is the 2nd week back to work ~ I worked Monday and Tuesday and now will be here Friday - Saturday and Sunday ~ These days I find I am moving from one safe place to the next ~ I see my life and jumping off into the unknown until I can race home again and find the safety of my couch and quilt and remaining Angora ~ C.C. ~ I am lost in my world ~ trying to be so brave and knowing that I must be ~ however I am just so sad and disconnected from things ~ I do not feel like I am the same person any more ~ In fact I must be reborn to a new life ~ one without my sweet Amber in it ~ so simple a concept yet so difficult because there are complexities such as my spirit and soul and empty spaces and shadowed crevices that loom where there used to be light and dancing ~ I realize that I was innocent in my joy like a child with hope in the magic of an uncast future ~ I want that back ~ but today I am using all my energy to steel myself against the pain and sadness I feel so that I can somehow function in the Corporate Environment and "pull it off" ~ those of you who work in a corporate setting know what I mean ~ I am hoping that the gift I will find here is to see with new clarity the path my life is taking and ultimately make the changes I need to feel like a whole person again ~ Ambie was my buffer ~ she is not here physically to dance away my discomfort or be my reassurance as she slept peacefully on her pillow in the sun purring and snoring at the same time ~ Life was good ~ I need to find her again somehow ~ and I know when I find Amber's essence once again I will be able to move on to the next place ~ I hope this does not sound crazy ~ this is such a strange and unfamiliar place for me to be ~ Any thoughts would be appreciated ~ Thanks so much and Peace to All ~ Kathryn

Dear Kathryn,

That lost feeling really is overwhelming. Amber was a huge part of your life and your heart and I know that you feel like you're running on auto-pilot. Please know that it will get better. Right now you cannot fathom feeling "right" again, but little by little, you will without even realizing it.

My heart is with you in your grief, Kathryn. We love our babies so much and it's devestating to have to go on without them by our side, having that constantness they were always able to provide so effortlessly.

I'd say that your work may help to divert your mind for a time, but I know better... duh... look what I'm doing right now at work??? Inky is always on my mind, too, but the stabbing pain has subsided and I'm able to handle things in a relatively normal state now. My healing began when I brought home his ashes and placed him in his urn with all of his favorite toys. I come home and I visit him first thing. I feel like he's there for me now, although not in the physical sense, but I can still talk to him.

Amber is there for you, too, Kathryn... she never will leave, either.

Peace to your heart & a big hug,

Pat

Kathryn,

You will find Amber's essence comes back into your life once you get through the first bit of grieving. I felt like I had lost Kasha's soul along with her body when she died but, after some time, I started to "find" her in so many things. I can see Kash every time my youngest cat splashes water out of her bowl...something Kasha taught her to do. I can see her in LeStat (now my oldest) when he hooks his back nails into the carpet as he walks by...they used to stroll around like that together..I never knew why! When I am lying in bed at night, missing her, I can often almost FEEL her lying beside me...and I'm sure she is. Kasha still brings me the same comfort and joy that she did in life, I just can't see her doing it anymore. I don't know if she's visiting me or if it's just the memory of her that makes me feel like she's still here, but either way, her imprint was so strong...her personality was so vivid, and our love was so great that even death couldn't seperate us. I never understood when people said "she'll live on in your heart" until now. My little girl still takes care of me, I know she does and find great comfort in that.

I work in a hospital so I know the corporate rush of people EVERYWHERE. Even in your own office it's hard to catch a moment to yourself in an 8 hour day (if you're lucky enough to only have to work 8 hours!) Just try to focus on each task and go from one to the next until your day is done. Don't think in terms of weeks and months, just try to get through each day the best you can and soon you'll find that, although you won't forget Amber, you will be able to cope with the outside world a little better.

Keep going Kathryn, the worst will soon be behind you,
Kristie

Oh Kathryn,
My lord do I relate to what you are posting. I would leave my house and need to rush back to the saftey of my couch. I had been fired from my job..which was just as well cause I could not have functioned at work.
There were times of the day I would get up from the couch and just claspe on the floor in agony, deep agony. For a time...when I would leave the house to go to the store it was all I could do to get back to my safe place. I enclosed everything around me to a small space, my furniture, tv. I have said when I look back I grieve for how I grieved. I have had many losses in my life but losing Moose was the worst.
Kathryn, it will be 6 months today at 10:15 that Moose left this world. I know that I am not the same person, that life and that person are not anymore. I went from being a responsible person, maintaining my home, my life, managing my little fur family. The day 6 months ago has changed everything about me, like my friend described ...my life was just shaken like an etch-a-scetch, and yes I have a new beginning but....that's only exciting if you want it...I want my Moose and my life back.
So, girl I so understand the emotions you are going through. So I say you stay in that safe place as long as you need to, I did, for about 4+ months. I still have my breakdowns but it is alot better now than it was...and it will be for you too. I think God made us to adapt to changes...even the worst changes.
So I feel like I know exactly what you are feeling, the month before I left that home I had moved to the spare bedroom and even that was forced. So as it is now, I have thrown my whole life in the air and I am going to pick up the pieces of it as it falls around me. I am thinking of you. Love, Pamela

Dear Kathryn,

Thinking of you and wishing soon that you can find a peaceful place. I was thinking today that I'm not the same person I was on December 7, 2004. (Rusty left me on the 8th.) I know I will never be that person again. It's just something I have accepted and have learned to deal with, not happily, but deal with just the same. I have wonderfully supportive family (human and fur/feathered) and friends but when Rusty died, I felt a sadness like no other in my life and that hollow feeling remains. I don't mind being at work. The time goes by so quickly and does give me something else to focus on.

I've moved some of the furniture around in the rooms where Rusty spent most of his time. Since he isn't in those rooms anymore, I didn't want them to look the same as when he was there. Maybe it doesn't make any sense but I did feel a little better after doing that.

So, try to hang in there. Twenty years is such a long time........It's so hard to deal with the fact that we can't see our fur friends in the physical sense anymore. We can't bring our beloved pets back. We have to adjust to our lives without them.

Take care,

Hugs,
Lynn

Dear Kathryn, I sure know how you feel about the empty feeling. No matter what I do or where I go I can't find anything that will fill that empty spot. No we are never the same person again. Since I never will be again I hope that I can keep showing the love Snookie and Chili Bean gave me but showing more love to others. They were always so full of love and when I felt I could not trust others because of my childhood they helped me to trust too. I like Lynn moved my furniture around I could not stand to look at it in the same places for some reason. Two weeks is such a short time, hang in there.
Hugs, Ann

Hello Kathryn,
From what I've learned about grieving, you are doing what's natural for any person to experience when she's lost a loved one. Plus, you're working in an environment where there's not much love and empathy. That's got to be harder.
I feel lucky that I work with children. There is nothing warmer or more loving than being with kids all day. So, it's easier for me to go to work when I'm so sad about losing my Sadie.

I think it's so important for you to let yourself moarn the loss of your fur baby. On the other hand, maybe it would be good for your soul to put yourself in an environment that is full of love and caring. Give meaning to your suffering. When people give meaning to their suffering, they find a way to use it to help someone else.

Give yourself some time to grieve. 2 weeks is not a very long time. When we lose something, the amount of time spent grieving is related to the attachment to the thing we lost...the more attached, the longer the period of grieving. Wait a while and then see if you can find a program where you can volunteer yourself to help someone in need. You are the same person you were...you are that person with more strength because you have experienced a huge loss and with that you can do something to help someone else find his/her way when the way has been lost.

Take care and do something today for yourself...something special. Your Ambie would want you to live and to be someone's reassurance, someone's buffer, just as she was to you. She was with you to teach you those lessons.

Hugs,
Carol

Thank you ALL for the kind and comforting words or encouragement and strength ~everyone is so wise and caring ~ I am so fortunate to have such gifted people to help me through this difficult time ~ I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that I could not be this functional if I had not been able to come here and write every morning that first week after 3/28 when I lost my sweet Ambie~ it kept me sane in a world that was careening off in a direction that was and still is so unfamiliar.

Today I am here at work again (I work AWS schedule and that means I have to rotate through a variable schedule) as I sit here today I am so much better than I was on 3/6 when I came back for the first ~ I still have a hole in my heart ~ but I also have some help in mending it here (at LS)

~ I am filled with emotions when I think of everything that has happened to me ~ yet I am learning that each emotion is valid and needs to be honored ~ and that if I can be patient and look for the gifts I have received from having Amber in my life those nigh on 20 years ~ that in time I will be a better human being for it all ~ and that would make her smile and yawn and then curl up and go back to sleep ~

In hopes of the light of Spring ahead I say again Thank You All ~ Peace Be With You ~ Kathryn

I know how you feel Kathryn...and everyone else for that matter. What great responses in this thread. I too feel like I'm on autopilot sometimes. I've pushed aside my grief so that I could get through my days and be there for Bailey. It's 4 weeks tomorrow for me. I'll post more in my own thread but suffice to say, that I miss her sweet face so so much.