It will be a week ago tomorrow that I made one of the most difficult & painfull decisions of my life - to have my Cosmo euthanized. She was a beautiful black domestic short hair feline with big green eyes with a dash of blue. She would have been 15 yrs in May. She was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism in mid-December 2003. The first weekend I administered Tapazole to her, she suffered a stroke (the vets say they've never heard of that drug causing a stroke before, but I think it did - it says right on the bottle that it's a toxic drug!). With half the initially prescribed doseage used on her plus baby aspirin every few days, she really started to improve, even her mobility, to the point that she could jump again! not as gracefull as before mind you, but still...

I was considering getting the iodine treatment & the cost of it while she was getting better, but then suddenly she began vomitting again. The specialist advised doubling the doseage but when I did, she started becoming a fussy eater and within a week, she stopped eating & drinking all together. On the 2nd day of her not eating, I called the specialist to let her know & the msg came back that she wasn't tolerating the meds & that I should get her to the hospital asap. It was then that I knew I needed to make the decision. If the specialist believed that she couldn't tolerate the meds, then what was the point of taking her to the hospital to try & make her well again? Make her well again to try & force meds on her that her body was rejecting? On those few days that she wasn't eating or drinking, she was also vomitting some type of liquid, saliva or bile perhaps - it was awfull for her & for me to watch. My heart went out to her. I had to make the decision, it was god awfull, but I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.

Little did I know that once her pain would end, mine would begin. Every time I turn my key to go into my apartment, I begin to feel the sobs coming on. Then I just stand in my foyer & cry. My chest feels like its going to implode, the pain is palpable. I'll be sitting in my living room & I think I see her out of the corner of my eye. When I go to use the bathroom, she's not right behind me. And when I go to bed at night, she doesn't jump up on me & cuddle next to me anymore. She was my shadow! I can't believe she's really really gone & I feel so lost without her.

Thanks for listening.

Chris

Chris:

I am so sorry for your loss of Cosmo. Too many of us here have had to make that hard choice. We choose to feel pain so they don't have to, but I don't think we can ever be prepared at just how painful it is going to be.

Please try to know that the pain does -- change -- with time. I'd like to say it goes away, disappears, even that it lessens... but I can't honestly say that is the truth. It does get more bearable. I hear someday you even laugh when you remember them. One day not too long ago, I smiled when I thought of Saki (she died June 19, 2003...). So I have hope that maybe I'll reach the point where that happens more often, that maybe I even do laugh.

Meanwhile, those of us out here do know how empty a house can be, and what it is like to sit alone, sobbing. We are here for you.

I am really sorry for your loss.

Love,
Jennifer

Chris,

I am sorry for the heartache and pain you are going through now. Letting go of a beloved pet is in my opinion the last act of love you can give them. They come to us and entrust with their care and well being and unfortunately sometimes what is best for them is the hardest thing of all for us. I had to put my little guy to sleep 5.5 months ago and I still remember quite clearly the agony of making that decision and the guilt that very quickly followed. My Snoops was suffering from a brain tumor, liver and kidney issues as well as thyroid issues. It got to a point where there was really nothing else we could do anymore and the kindest thing was to just let him go peacefully ... it was a difficult decision but now 5 months later I am just starting to recognize that it was the right decision. The pain does get better as time goes on ... don't know if it will ever go completely away but now I do have many days where thinking of him brings a smile to face ... I live for those days now ...

Hope the you can find some of those days too ...

hugs,
Beth