One week ago today I was at my vet's holding Megan's head as she died. This has been a very long and strangely quiet week. I keep looking at our couch fully expecting to see Meg laying on it watching us. But then I realize that she isn't here anymore and I start to cry. I was doing fine until my daughter asked me today if I had fed Megan yet. I had to gently remind her that Megan is in doggie heaven, to this Jordyn replied but I love her and want her back. I'm finding it easier to tell the kids that she is not coming back but I, myself, am having a hard time believing that she is actually gone. I miss her so much and I'm so mad that this happened. I feel like I've been cheated, Meg was only 5, I should have had at least another 7 years with her.

I'm also struggling with the fact that my vet thinks that there was more wrong with her than her leg. She said that dogs with sore legs don't lay around and get skinny, they get fat. So now part of me wants to know exactly what was wrong with her, part of me wants to just accept that her knee just could not hold out anymore. I'm also not only feeling guilty about putting her down but now I'm second guessing my decision to have her knee repaired. Was the last year of her life spent in pain beacuse I selfishly wanted her leg fixed just to keep her or was her last year a happy one that she got to spend with her people? I'm driving myself crazy with all of this self doubt. I know it will be a long time before I can think of her without feeling a stabbing pain in my heart and I look forward to the day that the memories of her will make me smile and laugh.

Tracey

Tracey,

The guilt is a normal feeling ... at least from everything I've felt and read here it seems to be pretty much universal. It is easy to second guess yourself and start wondering about things you will never have an answer to ... you did what you thought was best given the information you had ... no one (human or animal) can expect any more than that. And more so what you did you did out of love ... that is what you should be concentrating on ... and I know ... easier said than done. I had to put my best friend of 16.5 years to sleep 3 months ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday ... the pain is still that but it is now somewhat managable. A very good friend of mine gave me a great piece of advice that I like to share ... find a memory of Megan that you find funny ... something she did that made you smile at the time ... whenever you find yourself getting really upset .. picture that moment in your head. It is hard at first and you really have to work at it but it does work ... after awhile you will find yourself smiling through the tears ...

hugs,
Beth

Beth,

Thanks for the advice. I've been trying very hard to put "happy" pictures in my head. I've even surrounded myself with pictures of Megan to try and get past the image of her laying on the vet's floor. I seem to be getting past the guilt and the days seem to be getting easier, I can go through a day without tears. I'm so glad I found this site, it's been really helpful. I was feeling alone (my husband did not share the same bond with Megan that I did) and like I was a little crazy for being so devestated. These posts have really helped me.

Tracey