Well,

I just got back from picking up Trixie’s “cremains” (that’s what they call them, I guess) at the vet. I was very apprehensive about going, mostly because I thought I wouldn’t be able to get through it without bursting into tears. Nothing wrong with tears, but I have been so physically and mentally drained over the last week and a half. And once I start it takes a long time to stop. I tried to get my husband to go but he works across town and the clinic closes at 5 – he never would have made it in time and I wanted her back today.

So, off I go. The oncologist’s office is only about 10 minutes away from my house but I haven’t driven in that direction since Trixie’s last visit. The last time I was there, I left in tears and I didn’t want to do that again. I walked in and, thankfully, there were very few people around and things were very quiet. I tried to ask for Trixie’s ashes very quietly. I saw that there was a woman and one couple in the waiting room with some very concerned expressions on their faces. I remember how upsetting it was when someone came to pick up ashes while I was there waiting with Trixie. It sent my mind and emotions in undesirable directions and just made me want to hold onto her very tightly. I didn’t want to do the same thing to other people.

They brought out this really small black rectangular cube thing and that turned out to be the temporary urn. I don’t know what I expected, maybe a box or something like that. They also gave me a little certificate from the place she was cremated. I was a little worried because they just called today to have me pick up her ashes. I thought that maybe he body had been just lying around somewhere for more than a week and didn’t like the thought of that. Her cremation date turned out to be the date I thought though. January 9th.

I left the office and did so very calmly and with only a slight watering of the eyes. After the way I left last time, I needed to go back there again and face the place with courage and calm. I think I did that.

So, one last time, I brought my baby home from the doctor’s, down the same road we always took and with me holding onto her carrier to steady it – different carrier, same baby. Now she’s sitting in her usual place, by the window in my office. And, oh hell, here I am in tears again.


Thanks for listening,

Kai

Dearest Kai
I remember that journey only too well and I sympathise with you having to do it on your own.

You are very strong I could not keep the tears at bay and I wish you well in your long journey ahead. It is a painful time but I feel we all come out of this at the end better more compassionate people.

I'm glad that Trixie is home with you again.

Love Sue

Thank you very much, Sue.

I went out to meet some people tonight for the first time since Trixie died and on the way there I was flipping through the radio stations (drives my husband nuts!) and caught the tail end of a song I haven't heard in a long time. It was Garth Brooks' "The Dance". Of course, I had to pick tonight to wear mascara....
Anyway, I found the lyrics on the internet and thought I'd share them. They sort of speak for themselves:

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment wasn't I a king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? you know I might have changed it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

Yes my life, its better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance


Love,

Kai

"I could have missed the pain, But I've have had to miss the dance"

I am glad Trixie is back home. We got Electra back last Friday. I was able to keep from crying when we picked Lec up; Saki was another story... We transferred Lec from her tin to her urn on Saturday -- then I cried a lot. But now she is sitting on the mantle with her "sister" Saki...

That is so true and it was such a wonderful dance.

Kai,

I wasn't the one who picked up my baby's ashes from the vet but I do remember that feeling the first time I saw them. It amazed me how small it was. Ours came in a little cedar box with his name engraved on the top. Ever since I have been trying to figure out what to do ... everyone says I should scatter the ashes where he was happiest ... thing is though that he was happiest with me (at least I think he was ... he seemed that way anyway). So, I decided that he will be buied with me ...

I don't write much here ... mostly because I have a hard time reading the posts without crying let alone responding. I am sorry for your loss ... it is such a difficult thing ... but as you posted ... it is well worth the dance. Wouldn't give up a minute of it to spare the pain of the loss ... and that I think is a great thing ...

hugs,
Beth

Beth, I think that your plans for your baby’s ashes are beautiful. Trixie was always happiest next to me; on me, etc. and near the end she slept on my chest for hours a day. Those days, especially, I will cherish more than I can say. It was almost like she was back to being a baby again. I hadn’t thought about Trixie and I being interred together someday and I’m kind of surprised I never thought of that.

Trixie’s ashes are in a black plastic container until the urn arrives. I don’t like that very much but it’ll have to do for now. I don’t want to open it up until the permanent one is here – I have this vision of me tugging really hard on the top and then ashes scattering all over the room…Or maybe someone knows whether or not you’re supposed to put the sealed urn inside the permanent urn?

As for the dance…I know this might be difficult to believe, but I never thought about Trixie’s mortality. Ever. We never really had pets for any length of time when we were kids and I never saw that part of it. I knew she wasn’t going to live forever – nobody does – but I just never let myself think about it or just convinced myself that she was going to live an unusually long, record-breaking life. But if someone had shown me then what these last few months would be like, especially what the last 2 weeks + have been like, it wouldn’t have mattered. I fell in love with her at the moment I first saw her and all of the good times were worth having to pay that very painful price at the end.

My Best,

Kai

Kai,

I don't know if it is the same for all the ashes but Snoopy's ashes are in a sealed plastic bag inside the box ... my guess is that this is pretty standard so I don't think you need to worry about them getting scattered everywhere when you place them in the urn. My guess though ... don't know for sure.

I never really focused too much on Snoop's mortality ... not until it became obvious that it was near did I really focus on it ... kept thinking I guess that he would be here forever even though intellectually I knew this was impossible. Now with my two new puppies I do think about it ... I think this is because Snoop's death is still pretty raw ... but I have noticed that I do cherish my new little guys a bit more as a result. Thank you for posting that song btw ... it was beautiful.

Hope you are doing a little better today than you were yesterday ...

Hugs,
Beth

We were so young when we started our fur family. I don't know if that's why. But it never ever occurred to me when we got them that they would die. Then, just like old people, they started having all of these geriatric health problems. And then I vaguely knew... but I had no idea how bad it would hurt.

Both Saki's and Electra's cremains came in a sealed plastic bag, in a little metal tin. I dumped them out of the bag and into the urn for Saki. But with Electra, we put the entire bag inside the urn. Tim thinks this is much better, and he probably right...

As I read your post I called dibs on being interned with Saki and Electra (or having their ashes mixed with mine). I guess Tim and I could each take some... But it is a lovely idea.

Well, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to bust Trixie out of that ugly plastic urn. I had to tear the whole thing apart (but only after I determined that there was a plastic bag inside!) She is now sitting on my desk, next to the window, in a mosaic pot that I made – just until her urn is delivered.

[/QUOTE]We were so young when we started our fur family. I don't know if that's why. But it never ever occurred to me when we got them that they would die. Then, just like old people, they started having all of these geriatric health problems. And then I vaguely knew... but I had no idea how bad it would hurt. [QUOTE]

The first time I started thinking about it, even a little, was when my husband mentioned a couple of years ago that Trixie was “getting old” I remember being so mad at him for saying that (sort of like being annoyed with the alarm clock when it rings during a nice dream – no reality here, please!) I picked her up and twirled her around and said, “My baby’s going to live forever, aren’t you sweet girl?” I still remember the very worried look on my husband’s face when I said that and I know he was concerned about what would happen when I had to face the inevitable one day.

I think that when another cat finds its way into my life, I won’t be able to put the inevitable out of my mind. I would be interested to hear what others have experienced in that regard….

Kai

Kai,

Megan was so young when I lost her, she was only 5, that it never entered my mind that I would be losing her any time soon. Our journey started when she tore her cruciate in her knee in Aug 2002. We had the surgery and thought that we would live happily ever after. But after all of that we lost her anyway. Now I find myself wondering if I will ever put myself through the emotional (and finacial) pain again. I also worry that I may have caused the last17 months of Meg's life to be in pain. So now I'm full of kinds of doubts. And now I find myself afraid to get another dog, I have found myself thinking that once Molly goes, that just may be the end of my dog family. But at the same time I love them too much to not have them in my life. I'm afraid that this experience may turn me into neurotic pet owner.

Tracey

PS I posted Meg's pic in the tributes if anyone is curious to see my baby

Kai,

I thought that way too ... I ended up getting not one but two puppies a couple weeks after letting my Snoops "Boo" go. I could not stand the emptiness anymore. For me it turned out to be the best decision I ever made ... it didn't end the pain but it did give me a reason to get up in the morning and it gave me something to look forward instead of the constant sadness. I do think a bit about the day when they will no longer be with me (many many many many years from now) ... those thoughts are inevitable since I am still dealing with the loss of my best friend. However, I have noticed that I am much more appreciative of the time I have with them ... less likely to not pet them when I am busy as I know only too well the pain separation. So they (Rosie and Basil ... 6 month old Westies) are benefitting from what I have learned about the shortness of time ...

Tracey,

[QUOTE]Now I find myself wondering if I will ever put myself through the emotional (and finacial) pain again. I also worry that I may have caused the last17 months of Meg's life to be in pain. So now I'm full of kinds of doubts. And now I find myself afraid to get another dog, I have found myself thinking that once Molly goes, that just may be the end of my dog family. But at the same time I love them too much to not have them in my life. I'm afraid that this experience may turn me into neurotic pet owner.

The worry and guilt you feel is natural ... we have all had that no doubt just be careful not to let it take over and cloud all the good times you had. As for never having another dog ... I can understand not wanting to go through the pain again but then think of all the good times you might miss out on. For me ... the greatest testament to the love that Snoops and I had is share that love with another little furbaby. How comforting would it be for him to know that I so loved the relationship that we had that I am willing to go through the pain of loss just to have that kind of relationship with another little furbaby. Just my thoughts ... everyone is different and how you choose to grieve is fine. I hope you have brighter days soon ...

Hugs,
Beth

We got Hathor dog 6 weeks after Freyja dog passed. Saki died in June, Electra in December and then two new kitties in December...

I think about the new babies deaths constantly. Hathor has escaped a couple times, run out into the road and when she does I freak out. It takes me several hours after we've caught her to calm down. Tim and I have both become extremely neurotic parents. When Hathor was spayed, I thought Tim was going to lose it. He was so worried.

But Beth is right... I am also less busy now. Not really, but when they want attention, I drop what I am doing. None of this "We'll play in a little bit..." We play right now....

I am so happy that you all have managed to find new babies to love. It’s only been a month for me and I cannot imagine having another animal that isn’t Trixie – at least for right now. I do see myself having another cat one day (probably more than one) but I think that right now I might expect too much from another cat. Might expect him or her to be like Trixie and maybe resent it a little when it’s not. This hardly makes clear sense to me but I hope it does to anyone who reads it.

And I can’t imagine myself NOT being totally paranoid when it comes to the health of any new pets. That’ll be a while, though.



Kai