The love of my life is gone.

I have lost my one true love, my purpose, my reason for doing everything I did. Suzy is my soul mate, my partner, my child, my life.

When I found this little 1-week-old blind kitten who was hours from death I was dying of anorexia. I was alone, broke and without hope. She saved my life. She gave me a reason to stay alive. I named her Suzy because I was born very ill too and I had survived so far.

I found her on a 100-degree day out in a field 15 yeards outside the farmhouse I was painting. I heard her cry over Vivaldi's Four Seasons blasting on my Walkman's earphones and the windows closed. She couldn't walk, see or smell. I raced her to the vet and said if she's in too much pain do what you have to do. As I walked down the hall to talk to the other vet, Suzy climbed out of the box I'd carried her in, and crawled down the hall to find me. The vet said, "We can save her, we have to."

The vet gave her months of intensive care. When I tried to pay the bill, he wept and said, "You don't owe me a thing. I've never seen love like that between and animal and a human ever before."

Suzy isn't (I can't say wasn't) a cat. She never acted like a regular cat -- never aloof or independent. She clung to me. She filled my empty house with love, light and laughter. She talked to me, played only with me, healed me, and loved me.

You know that feeling when you love something so much you can feel your heart burning with it. That's what it was like when we held on to one another. While at the vet, she would melt onto my shoulder, they would just give her vaccines from there because she wouldn't come down.

Suzy was only 6 years old.

I was compulsive about keeping her safe. She'd just gone to the vet for a small tremor and her blood work was fine. Then a month later, I woke up and there she was on the kitchen floor -- no trauma, no evidence, just gone.

I am devastated friends. I always said when Suzy goes I go. But I know I can't go because I have a doggie and three others cats. But I can't live without Suzy. I love my little girl with all my heart and soul, and I can't bear it.

Please talk to me.

Love and light,
Suzanne

I'm so very sorry that you lost your beloved friend.

I lost my furbaby due to a sudden illness last summer. I did not think that I would make it through the grief. I have written a thread entiltled "My Journey Through Grief" it has been a help to some people. I am going to bump it up to the top of this forum again in hopes that it will help you.

I am very glad that you found us here.

In my case, I needed to go to counseling for a while in order to help me.

Come here and post often. It's a fantastic support site.

Please be strong for yourself, and your other furbabies!

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand the loss of your very special soul mate, and it hurts so much. Suzy had a very rough start in life, you rescued her and gave her the best life with so much love.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,

kim

Suzanne, My heart weeps for you in your pain and distress. I hope this post is not too long, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone in what you are feeling or going through and that we are right here by your side.

I couldn’t help but cry when I read what you had written and your story of how you found your precious Suzy on that very special day. What a miracle it was that you found her. To be only 1 week old and away from her mother, she would only have survived for an hour or two if you hadn’t heard her cries. It was almost as if it was meant to be. You both needed someone very special in your lives at that time and somehow you were drawn together on that very special day 6 years ago.

Clearly you and Suzy were meant to be beloved soul mates for each other. If you had her from one week old then as far as she was concerned you were her mommy and she was your baby. Hand rearing little kitty’s does make the bond so very close. My little one was 4 weeks old and still needed syringe feeding. I had such a close bond with her, closer than any other cat I had ever had. As you say, never aloof or independent, wanting only me and to be with me. Following me from room to room constantly, never settling until she knew that I would be staying in that room and not going anywhere else. Constantly loving me, kissing me, talking to me all day long. I used to carry her around on my back in the hood of my zip up jacket to stop her little legs getting tired. I’m sure it must be something to do with the hand rearing that makes them this way.

That is why it is all the more devastating when we lose them.

Suzanne, I know your pain, and that your grief must be beyond words, beyond description, tearing into your heart. I am so sad for you that you are having to go through this. The shock of losing her so suddenly like that adds to all of that pain. I know the feeling of never having been able to say one last goodbye, one last cuddle. It just cuts you to pieces when it is so very sudden the way it was with your baby Suzy.

My little Ellie was only 15 months old when she ran into the path of a car. I had her from just a few weeks old, she was found in a hedgerow. She too was the love of my life and when she was suddenly taken from me I did not know how I would survive. The pain was excruciating, it was beyond bearing. I knew that I couldn’t live with that level of pain. All I could do was to live in 10 minute intervals. I couldn’t look backwards or forwards… I would just do what ever I need to do in the next 10 minutes and try to concentrate on that. When I looked further forward than that I had the feeling that my soul was being sucked out of my body and up into a great vast void of nothingness. That first week was a complete blur. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or do anything at all. All I could do was cry and pace the floor or fall into an exhausted sleep.

I want you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling, Suzanne. I want you to know that we here at Lightning Strike understand your pain and your disbelief and shock.

This site is what got me through those first few dreadful weeks. I would come here for hours on end and just sit here and read the posts and post myself about my baby Ellie. It gave me great comfort to have the support of all the wonderful people here and the messages of support let me know that everyone knew what I felt, what I was going through and that is what helped me most of all.

I hope it helps you to know that we understand what you are going through and we feel your pain. Come here frequently and talk to us about your beloved Suzy, she sounds the most beautiful and wonderful little baby.

I wasn’t able to see her pictures. There was a link to 8 pictures it said, but nothing happened when I clicked it. Maybe you could post a picture of her, maybe one at a time. It’s possible that the system couldn’t manage 8 in one go. That’s all I can think of because I can usually see everyone’s pics just fine.

Thinking of you so much
and blessings for baby Suzy on her journey.
With love
jilly

Hi Suzanne, I am sorry you lost your little darling. I could not get the picture to come up on my computer. Oh I really do know how you feel over the loss of your precious Suzy. You gave her a wonderful life of love and no doubt a lot of laughter. Suzy helped you to heal at a time in your life when you needed her so very much. She is still in your heart helping you to go on day to day.

I lost two babies within 6 weeks and it cuts me to my heart and soul. So I know how it feels when you feel like you can't take another step and you wonder how in this world does your heart keep beating. You wonder how can you wake up and face another day when the very reason you got up was to be with her another day. You feel like you lived to take care of her to love her and to be loved by her. I know it feels like you might go crazy or you yourself will die. But you will make it.

I lost over 30 pounds in a few weeks time and I became so ill. It wasn't until my grand daughter Sara asked me if I was going to die like Chili Bean and Snookie that I went to the doctor. I believe I would have laid there and died had it not been for her. I could not do that to my husband m our 4 children and my 6 precious grand children. Now I found out there is another one on the way!

I came from a life of being abused when I was young before I was adopted at age 9. I lacked having trust most of my life and it was so hard for me to give my all. My babies along with my mom and dad, and my children and husband gave me love, kindness, and understanding like no one else every could. It was only through them that I learned to trust and give my heart to them. I felt like I would die when I lost Chili Bean and Snookie.

But I am a survivor and so are you Suzanne. We have to take what we learned for our dear babies and keep living on. Suzy will help you, she is still there you just can't see her right now. Rest asurred she will be there in your darkest moments when you feel you can't go on.

Yes there will be many tears and your heart will feel like it might cave in and cease to beat. The loneliness will grip your soul for many weeks but one day the pain wont be so devastating and you will make it. Just hold on, you will make it. And you will carry Suzy in your heart forever. Every thing she was and all the love you gave each other will be kept safe in your heart and soul. This kind of love never dies and I am waiting until my time to be with my girls, to love them, hold them, kiss them, .....
Hugs, Ann

Its been two years since my girls went to Rainbow bridge and still talk of them in the present tense.

As far as I am concerned they are still here and always will be, I just don’t have to walk them anymore.

You were blessed with a baby angel who went through a lot to grab your heart, don’t let that go to waste, shes shown you how to live again and to love yourself enough to nourish your body, now show her you can do it.

Love Sue

Yes we can all relate. I never got to say goodbye to my baby either. She left me before I even knew what was happening. I'm only 2 weeks into my grief so I know how you feel. I also felt Jasmine was my soulmate. I remember the first time I saw her...her eyes just spoke to me as if to say "we belong together". Now she's gone and I feel like a part of ME is gone too. I have another dog that I need to stay strong for, just like you. Your other babies need you now. I know it's hard...it's almost incomprehensible how you could put aside your grief and care for another living thing when you feel SO bad. But you will...because you have to...and their love will help pull you through.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Please come and post here. I know I wouldn't be the same if I hadn't found this place.
Take care.
Audrey

Your Suzy did not bring you back from the brink for you to sink back there again. The pain of the loss is almost unbearable, and there is no immediate cure. I lost my little schnauzer Bo. He to was the love of my life and he gave me the reason to keep going.
We all suffer with different levels of pain and sorrow, but we all suffer,
Please know you were blessed to have had a companion such as her, I try and look at it that way. Even with all the pain I am suffering now, I know my life is better for having had Bo as long as I did.
Hang in there, everyone says it does get better with time,
Thinking of you in your time of sorrow,
Darrell

Dear One ~ Your compassion and love comes through ~ I am so sorry for your loss. Our hearts are truly huge enough to hold the love we have shared in there forever ~ I too have such a sadness there ~ this day is the week mark of my losing Amber ~ my tabby cat who was with me through thick and thin over the last 20 years ~ I too am in recovery from addictions ~ during the past 4 years of recovery my baby was there for me ~ to listen to my fears and joys ~ hopes and dreams ~ You are in my prayers ~ I have been burning a candle for us all ~ this will go on all the days to come ~ I burn the flame for all of those brave warrior babies that have faced the crossing ~ I do not understand very much these days except for the memory of that little face ~ so brave and filled with life ~ and unconditional acceptance of the ups and downs of my life ~ I miss her so ~ and I can appreciate what you are going through today ~ take care of yourself the way your baby showed you ~ love heals and transforms ~ Thank you again for your post ~ it meant alot to me too ~ Peace Be With You ~ Kathryn , Angel Ambie and C.C.

Dear Suzanne,

I am so sorry for you loss of Suzy. Reading your post made me feel so sad. I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. It is wonderful how the two of you came to be together. I know it does not help any, but just think if you had not found her on that hot summer day. I know 6 years is not enough (no amount of time is ever enough) but at least you got six quality years which healed you through the tough times you were going through personally.

I am thinking of you. Give extra hugs to your other babies.

Nancy (Sasha's Mom)

Dear friends,

You are all so wonderful, and your babies are so dear. Thank you with all my heart for being with me through this. I am so grateful.

I feel all the things you've said ... like my heart has been ripped from my chest. This is torture. I have rescued, cared for and lost so many animals, but Suzy is so very special.

I had always felt that I was born with a broken heart -- that I'd always be grieving and biding time just to "go back home." When I found Suzy, she crawled inside that hole in my heart and gave me life.

I've been having a hard time hearing from other people, who don't understand like you all do, that Suzy just filled a void created by loss of family. She is so much more than that. She was pure innocence, love and light. I just can't imagine a life without her. It's like trying to live without the sun.

My greatest desperation comes from worrying that I won't see her again. I can't pray because I'm too angry that she was taken from me. Please friends, tell me what you think ... will I be with her again?

I love you all, and thank you.

Suzy's mommy Suzanne

PS -- Sasha's mom -- I feel like I wasted so much of the time she and I could have had together even though I was there, sometimes I was too busy working. But you're right there is never enough time. I would give anything to have another minute with her. I hope she can hear me say how much I love her.

So sorry for your loss. We understand the shock of such a loss. If we knew that our little ones were sick we could have been prepared for their departure. It is never easy to see them go but when its sudden, it seems so unfair.

We lost our little one in the same way. This place is full of people who care and understand. They have been helpful to me and my wife.

Again, so sorry.

Dearest Suzanne... there's absolutely nothing I can say that hasn't been said. My heart is with you. Suzy was just so adorable and beautiful and my heart hurts for you. I'm so, so sorry.

Hugs,

Pat

Lord, Lend Me a Kitty

I will lend to you awhile, a Kitty, the good Lord said,
For you to love her while she lives, and mourn her when she's dead.
Maybe for twelve or fourteen years, or maybe two or three.
But will you, 'till I call her back, take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and should her stay be brief,
You'll always have her memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught below I want this Kitty to learn.

I've looked the whole world over in search of teachers true,
And from the folk that crowd life's land, I have chosen you.
Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labour vain,
Nor hate me when I come to take, your Kitty back again?

I fancied that I heard you say, "Dear Lord, Thy Will Be Done,"
For all the joys this Kitty brings, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness; we'll love her while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay.

But should you call her back, Lord, much sooner than we'd planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.
If, by our love, we've managed, your wishes to achieve,
The memory of the her, we loved, will help us while we grieve,
And when our faithful bundle departs this world of strife,
We'll fall down on our knees with thanks, Lord, that you let her grace our life.

-- Author unknown

Bless beloved Suzy and may angel wings enfold her.

Thank you for posting that Jilly!
That is just beautiful

Cheri

How are you doing now Suzanne,

Your threads remind me so much of that horrific, devastating place that I found myself in last summer.

Do I honestly think that you will see her again? I think yes, although I obviously can't say for sure. It just seems hard to imagine that a connection that is THAT strong and built on so much love would simply vanish. I'd say the odds are that we reconnect.

Please take care of yourself - Steph

Dear Suzysoulmate,

Your story made me sob with emotion. Oh! how I do identify with your deep feelings of love for your beloved cats. What an incredible story! Surely your dear, precious cat will be waiting for you one day when you transition to the non-physical.

Over the years my roommate and I have taken in over 45 stray and unwanted cats. Just this year alone we have lost three of them to old age. Last Sunday morning we awoke to find our dear old Clyde Kelly, still, on the floor. He died peacefully in his sleep during the early morning hours. Now we're traveling through that dark cloud of death again--our oldest boy, Zane, is dying. He's stopped eating and drinking and has slipped into a semi-coma. I'm sure he'll be gone before night falls. Whenever I hear the sweet, haunting coo of a mourning dove at night, I know that God will soon call one of our babies home.

One of my cats is a beautiful white deaf cat. I rescued her as a feral kitten living with a colony in a parking lot of a vacant office building. She's not a friendly cat and won't let you come near or pick her up. It presents a real challenge. Once she pulled down the screen in my bedroom and pushed through the outer window and was OUTSIDE. When I came home and found that she had escaped I was hysterical. I kept sobbing, "she can't hear; she won't come to me; how will I ever find her?" But, God was merciful and when I pulled myself together and forced myself to think rationally and try to imagine where she might have wandered to, I thought right. I managed to find her and lure her back into the house again! It was truly one of the miracles of my life. Even though I can't hold and love her, I still love her dearly.

Please know that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your other beloved companions will comfort you.

with deep sympathy,

--Susan
~ a voice for the voiceless ~

Dear friends,

I am still in so much pain. My darling Suzy was such an extremely unique little soul -- so sensitive and inseperablely dependent on me. I find myself not wanting to hold my other three cats because it makes me miss her more, and they don't ask for my attention like Suzy did.

Suzy's warmth, tender hugs and love is so intensely missed. There is no one who can fill this empty place left by her, and I know that I will always feel this pain. I had someone the other day tell me to "get another cat." I wanted to ask her if she could replace her daughter the same way. I didn't say that but that's how it felt.

I'm glad I have friends like you who understand, but the people around me aren't being very nice about it. Whenever I cry, they keep asking why. I tell them, please don't ask me that. I'll be crying over Suzy for a long, long time.

Please say some prayers for me and Suzy. I want to feel her presence, but maybe I can't because I still can't quite believe she's gone. And the shock of that day stabs in my heart over and over again.

To all the people who've written who have just lost their babies too, I'm so deeply sorry for your pain. I understand and send my love and hugs to you.

Love,
Suzanne

Suzanne,
I am soooo sorry. I will pray for you and Suzy. I know how much it hurts. Suzy will always be with you -- always.
Love,
Marcia

Suzanne,

I know the grief you are feeling! Not being able to say good-bye or hold her one more time. My Kyra, was my families love. We cherished all the little things she did. Like when she would jump so high at the door to be let out, she looked like Donkey from Shrek. Or when she would sit at the dinner table be side my dad and actually talk to him, he swears she said hello to him. Everything she did showed the love she had for you. And I know how that is too. Kyra loved us all but she had a very special bond with my son. They were inseperable. If you saw my son you saw our Kyra. They would play hiddin seek together and most of the time, if I was correcting my son, she would stand in front of me and yell (bark) at me for correcting him. This animals hold our souls and love us so unconditionally that we feel we can not go on without them. My baby and yours would not want to hear this, they loved us so much they want to see us live. They will wait patiently for us to cross over and be with them, but they were given to us to show that we have love and strength and we will meet again, this I assure you!

Jennie

Dear Friends,

Thank you so much for your thoughts, words, prayers and love.

I realized over the last few weeks that this little blind cat who needed someone to love her so badly, probably didn't need me half as much as I needed her. I've realized that all this time she's been my security blanket in what's been a rather cruel world. When the days are especially bad, I wonder how I will ever feel peace again without her to warm my heart.

When Suzy was alive, if I were in another room, or the same room and she couldn't find me, she'd cry and cry relentlessly until I came to pick her up. I wonder what she's doing all day now, and why I can't somehow hear her crying for me. I miss my little security blanket desperately. Without her, I feel like a child left outside and alone in a thunderstorm.

Love to all of you and your beloved animals,
Suzanne

Dear Suzanne
What helped me very much when I felt so hopeless, was to ask the angels to help me I've always had a great faith and belief in angels and their ability to help us. It is said that we all have at least two angels who are with us all the time, but they can only help us if we ask them for help, because of free will.

So Suzanne, you say please to pray for you. I certainly will, but also maybe you could say a little prayer to yours and Suzie's angels and ask them to help you both.

I ask the angels to wrap their wings around Ellie and love and protect her, and having that image in my mind has helped me so much. I think of her as my Ellie Angel.

with love
jilly

You are not alone, that i promise. For every poster here that lost a beloved...i feel the grief and sorrow as if they were my own. How i wish i could put my arms around everyone here if just for a moment, to let them and you know that someone understands how you feel.

I lost my P-Kitty a little over a year ago. That was when i found this site and all the wonderful people here. This place will help you heal, i promise. And you WILL heal...it's just going to take some time.

You are a wonderful soul to care for your Suzy so much. Please do not let those that just do not understand get you down. If there is ANYTHING that I can do to help, please do not hesitate to ask.

Know that there is at least one person (and 6 kitties) that is thinking of you.